Fight. My little bit of crazy. and a bad selfie. :)

I know yesterday's post wasn't exactly awesome news, but there are some huge praises that I need to mention:

1) For the first time in three weeks, I was able to put an overhead shirt on.  Yep, I know that may seem like small bucks, but considering I've been wearing a very limited wardrobe of button downs/zip ups, it was a big step for this gal.  :)

2) For the first time in three weeks, I was able to get in and out of bed by myself!  That is HUGE.  The first couple nights after the initial surgery I had a hard time falling asleep because I felt so unsettled by the fact that I could not move without help.... becoming more mobile makes it easier to fall asleep.

3) For the first time in three weeks, I was able to lift, feed and hold Raleigh!  This is a momma high.  :) This pic is where I managed to find a sweet spot where she could rest on my tummy/shoulder and it's pretty darn close to being able to hug her.  :)  It's a bad 'selfie', but big time progress here!

Now for my little bit of crazy:  On Saturday afternoon I took a hard, hard nap and had a really vivid dream where my surgeon had his right hand wrapped up in a bandage and he couldn't do surgery.  I half expected to walk into our appointment on Monday and find his hand bandaged up.  Why do I mention this at the risk of seeming like a cray cray?  

Because when I was given the option of surgery and/or radiation and told that they found more cancer/blah, blah, blah-this-really-stinks-kind of news I really couldn't choose one decision over the other.  The absolute only thing that I had to sway me one way or the other was the dream....I told Rich 'I know it's crazy, but maybe that's a sign to avoid surgery this time'.  

And when we got home and the kids unloaded out of the van, two of our girls picked up a kettle bell and started playing around with it.  Something clicked in my head:  I need to get strong.  I need to recover.  It's time to get back in the fight.  No surgery this time.  

But the only prayer I kept repeating was 'please, God, please God, please God.'  I didn't even know how to articulate what I was praying for, but He knew.  One specific prayer was that Rich and I would be in agreement regarding the decision and that my surgeon would agree as well.  Beyond that, I didn't have the words for prayer...just a pleading.  

And wouldn't you know?  We just got off the phone with our surgeon and God has shown us the decision is NO surgery.  Luke took a trip down to the lab to review the results himself, did some additional research, contacted a friend who worked at MD Anderson and said he feels comfortable going forward without an additional surgery.  What was maybe a 'micron' of clear margins yesterday is now more like 1 to 2 microns.  The pre cancerous cells found in other parts of the tissue are actually so small that the lab can't be sure what it is - precancer or just abnormal cells.  Unsure enough to call it inconclusive for now.  These factors, combined with a recent study adds up to an additional surgery not being necessary (if followed up with radiation). Woohoo!!!!  This gal is ready to recover and get strong.  

For a few weeks I was knocked off my feet and had my rear handed to me....and God sent an army of reinforcements to love on us and fight for us.  It reminds me of the passage in Exodus when Moses is leading the Israelites across the Red Sea.... v. 14 " The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent."  Those reinforcements nursed my wounds, helped me wash my hair, get dressed, fed us, cleaned for us and let me cry when I needed to, but also made me laugh to the point my chest hurt.  And they let me rest.  And now I feel like Moses in v.15 "The Lord said to Moses, 'why do you cry to me?  tell the people of Israel to go forward.  Lift up your staff and stretch out your hand over the sea and divide it, that the people of Israel may go through the sea on dry ground."  I know that God is fighting for me - that He goes before me and is also my rear guard.....and I also believe that this is a multi dimensional fight and I have my part to do.  

I've rested and now I need to recover and get strong.  

Because this battle is far from over.  

But He continues to show Himself to us over and over and over.  I absolutely dread chemo and radiation (what we hoped to avoid with surgery), but He keeps reminding me that He is so very real and so very present in our struggles.  All for His Glory through our good.  

A long road....and peace

I was hopeful when we took this pic that it would be the last time I would be in one of these hospital gowns for a long, long time.  After all, it's not exactly my 'style'....a little too thin and not enough closures for my taste!  :)  I like my clothing just a bit more secure......

But after our follow up appointment today, I may have to settle for this outfit once again (on your third round I'm wondering if you get the option for embroidery or something?  or at least choice of colors? or at least a pedicure while you're under?!?!).  Even though the initial 'frozen' (not THAT Frozen!) lab results indicated that we were all 'clear', the final lab results came back less than favorable.  Basically, the pathology report showed a 'micron' of clear margins, less than 1cm, which is the standard for 'clear' margins.  There were also indicators of the presence of microscopic precancerous cells in other parts of the tissue.  So, basically, we don't know what we don't know.  Our options now include more surgery and/or radiation....what we were hoping to avoid from the very beginning.

I honestly had a hard time thinking through our options in the office.... either Rich or Luke asked me which way I was leaning and I honestly had no leaning one way or the other...  what I did think was 'this really stinks' and we just need to pray and see.

The very, very odd thing, though, is that this news shook me less than last time....maybe I'm getting numb to not so great news or just because it is a peace from God....peace not as the world gives, but one that can only be from Him.  Don't get me wrong, I cried and am disappointed and frustrated and wonder if this will ever end.....it feels like the Twilight Zone gone very wrong....but the best I can describe is that my feet are still under me.

So, we come before you again, asking, pleading, for prayers.  Prayers for wisdom regarding further surgery and treatment...decisions that need to be made in the next couple days.  Prayers to specifically guard our hearts and minds.... that I would remember the awesome angel and still expectantly believe in miracles.  Because I've seen it.  God is real and it's what we have been waiting this season to celebrate.  The birth of Christ our Savior who didn't just pat us on the back, blow us a kiss and say 'good luck' with all that earth stuff.... but a Savior who clothed himself in human form to dwell among us.  The same skin as mine...His skin was also torn and bled....and His heart also broken.  So I know that He knows.  Which is the only way I can explain how He gives us peace that surpasses all understanding.  Just like the angels proclaimed at His birth...peace on earth and good will to men.  He means all things for my good and His Glory.

And a wise, wise friend mentioned something to me.....as I'm struggling to find grace in this walk....that maybe this situation IS the grace.  That somehow this battle against cancer (stubborn, it is!) is a grace.... and there's a tiny seed of hope in me that maybe, just maybe it is.  Because only God could take cancer and make it a grace.  God can do the crazy, cool things like that....beauty from ashes and grace from cancer.

Much love from the Hartneys.

  

                     

The Angel

We are back home - praise God!

Thank you for your prayers.... everything went smoothly yesterday.  God answered some prayers - some crazy cool big time prayers.

We waited through the pre op checklist and thought we would be sitting around for a few more hours until the scheduled surgery time of 1:00 p.m.  But as soon as we finished with the 2nd to last item on the checklist, they told us the OR was ready for us.  This was way sooner than anticipated and much, much better than waiting around for hours.

On the drive in I kept praying and hoping that I could get the same anesthesiologist..... there are at least five different anesthesiologists on staff so I knew it was not a guarantee.... but when they told us the OR was ready for us, they also said 'we're moving a little quicker since you're going to have the same anesthesiologist'.  Thank you, Lord!

We held hands with our surgeon and anesthesiologist and Rich prayed for us before I was taken to the OR.  The last detail I remember is trying to see if I could get the record for staying awake the longest before falling asleep.  I don't think I lasted that long.  :)

As of now, the initial lab results are 'clear', meaning no return trip to the OR!  We are still praying for the official results to be clear....we should know within the week.  And one of my biggest sources of being 'sad' was further scarring and deformity.  I think it's amazing to say that Luke was able to maintain one scar line and did not have to remove any of the fluid that was filled to start reconstruction. God is Good - He even answers my 'vain' prayers.

Here is something I haven't shared too openly..... the past week has felt like a battle to know that none of this is in vain.  That even this set back is somehow for His Glory and my good.  I have been pleading with God for the reassurance that 'this present suffering' will result in His future Glory...and my good.  It's felt like wave after wave of 'hard things' and just struggling to catch my breath.  But all the hard things - the pain - it becomes almost welcome when you know that it all leads to His Glory....that somehow, we're being included in an amazing story that will one day be revealed.  It's hard because some days I can only see as far as the next round of meds and the mountain in front of me seems impassable.  And so it has been an inner plea to just have 'eyes' to see that all of this is not in vain.

And God in His mercy answered my plea when I least expected it.  I've debated sharing this on a post because it seems so private, but it's not my own gift to keep hidden...I feel led to share it.

I saw an Angel.  A huge angel.  

I was behind the angel, looking at his back and could see myself on the table beyond him.

I didn't see his face.  And we didn't exchange any words.

But two thoughts were communicated to me.
1) That if he were to unfurl his wings, they would stretch beyond the walls of the OR
2) At any moment, he could unfurl his wings and it would provide a shield over me

He was statue/granite gray in color.  And he was a serious angel....standing guard.  I mention the color specifically because I've always imagined angels to be white/goldish/glowing.  I still think it's odd that this one was gray.

                                   My friend, Mel, sketched this based on my description.  
                                  What timing that she happens to be here at the same time
                                  that I saw the angel.

Some might dismiss this as a dream - but in the other three times that I have been under general anesthesia I have never had a dream.  Some might say it's because I was just talking about angels and reading a comic book with graphics - but this angel looked nothing like the graphics because it was gray.

I don't know if I saw the angel while I was under or starting to come to, but it's one of the first things I remember mentioning to Rich and Luke when I woke up.  The image was crystal clear.

What a gracious God.  He owes me nothing.  He is not obligated to answer my pleas.  But in His love for us, He answered me when I least expected it.  I have never seen visions before or had dreams about angels.  And now, I have seen one, by His grace.

I will never forget this angel.  God's very real gift to me....and hopefully you.

Round 2 - Go BIG

This will be a brief update as I try to do this from my phone in the waiting room.  It's an odd feeling to feel 'ok' yet be told that you have something wrong with you.

I have been feeling better and better over the past two weeks and it's really hard to know that we're taking a step back.  This time around seems bigger to me... Because I know more of what is involved and because I just started regaining movement and strength. The procedure itself should be much simpler and OR time less than half of last time.  And now we have an idea of what pain meds to start with.  Those are all good things.

I don't pretend to know why we are going through this setback or even try to have a 'happy face' about this. I am sad and I am weary.  But I was reminded of something.... That my view of all this is so small.  All I see and feel is the here and now but Christ promises a bigger Hope.  A bigger story where my scars will fade and even complement the tapestry that is being woven.

And the Angels.... Ones I know were standing guard over me last time and continue to do so..... For some reason I made them so small in my mind.  Not weak, but just sweet, small angels.  That's all wrong, though. . I believe they are Rereeaaallly BIG.  My friend told me so.  And Rich just ordered these cool comic books about the Bible with awesome graphics and yup- the angels are BIG.

Even if that's all I 'gain' from this surgery, that is huge. To be reminded that God's Army means business and they are terrifyingly huge and I can take a break from fighting because we are on the same side.

Our prayer requests include 1) wisdom for my surgeon, Luke, to know what to take for clean margins yet preserve as much of me as possible.  For my mental and emotional well being.  That God would guide Luke's  hands and give me peace to accept the outcome.  Between having a baby and these surgeries I feel especially vulnerable in my self image.  2) for no infections or complications... 3) pain management post surgery.  4) Luke will also insert a port for future treatment... Prayers for it to fit in just the right place and that it would not be painful. 5) for our friends Mel and Erica who are holding down the fort at home and for their families that are missing their mommas  6)that I could go home TODAY.  Being surrounded by friends and my family at home is the best medicine for this momma.

Thank you again for your prayers and continually lifting us up.  We are waiting until our scheduled OR time of 1:00 p.m.  Until then, I'll be reading through the comic books to remind me of the incredible warriors that have my back.

Curveballs

First and foremost, we have GREAT news.  We met with our surgeon today and found out that the final lab results came back NEGATIVE.  The cancer has not spread and for that we are so very, very thankful!  We barely got a chance to enjoy the good news before being told some not so great news, though.  Our curveball.  When the labs dissected all the tissue removed during surgery, they found one part where they don't have 'clear margins'.  Basically, it means there may or may not be some cancerous tissue remaining.  And so we have another OR date reserved for either Tuesday or Wednesday of next week to remove more tissue.

To say I am feeling discouraged is an understatement.  I feel like I (literally) just got back on my feet and we are already looking at surgery again.  I am scared (the last experience is not a distant memory).  I am scared of the pain - of going beyond my pain threshold again.  I am heartbroken that more of me will have to be removed.  I am sad that there will be more and bigger scars and some more deformity (I apologize if that is too much information, but I promise to be transparent).

After we returned home I laid upstairs in bed, just needing a breather.  As I listened to some music and prayed, I kept thinking that I just didn't feel like I had enough fight left in me.  It's already been a battle and the end is not in sight and now we have a setback.

But I cannot let self pity get even a foothold in my heart.  So I kept praying and pleading with God...and let the tears flow.  And I remembered something - I don't have to fight this.  When I am weak, He is strong.  And for some reason His sacrifice for us on the Cross dominated my thoughts.   How He paid the price once and for all and we don't have to continually offer rituals or sacrifices to atone for ourselves or please some nebulous God.  Instead, He chose a Way that paid the price once and for all.  Hear that?  Once and for all, our salvation has been paid for.  No maintenance, no checking in to see if we're still 'good' with the big man, no continual efforts to stay in favor in order to gain access to the pearly gates.  And the only thing that I can do right now?  Is give thanks.

"  Offer to God a sacrifice of Thanksgiving....and call upon me in the day of trouble and I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me."  Psalm 50: 14

I don't feel like fighting right now.  And to be very honest, I don't feel like putting on a fake happy face.  I am heartbroken.  But I can and WILL give thanks.

And yes.  We have MUCH to be thankful for.  Here are just a few.....

1) My kids are beautiful - oh, their hearts.  Not once have they been upset with me because I haven't been able to be wholly 'mom'...not being able to pick them up, hold them, give them big squeeze hugs (which I YEARN for).  Instead, you know what they do?  They cheered for me when I was able to walk down the stairs and they reward me with stickers.  Their hearts are beautiful.  Please pray that God would continue to guard their hearts with innocence and tenderness and understanding.

2)  Friends.  I'm pretty sure my friends are the best that anyone could ask for.  I mean it.  Six of them, flying in from all over the country to love on me and my family.  And that's a sacrificial love, I know, because when they are here, their families are missing them.  They serve my family with joy and help in countless ways, so many times, without me having to even ask (you know, the friends who go change your kid's dirty diaper without having to be asked :)).  Please continue to cover their families in prayer.

3)  my husband.  He has been a solid rock.  He has not once complained about the seismic shift in responsibilities at home.  He is tired and is literally loving on me as 'christ has loved the church'.  He is love in action.  Pray for His strength, renewal and peace.

There is so much more that I could/should write...but I'm feeling guilty about sitting here and typing while my friends are cutting vegetables and cooking in the kitchen.  I could write much more about the friends who have offered to send their breastmilk, sent food and gifts/activities for the kids, flowers, cards, gift cards, care packages, friends who have done research for many things on my behalf.....the list could literally go on.

But I am tired and weary and just want to rest now.  But none of this changes that God is Good and He is in control.  My 'curveball' was known by Him from the beginning and so I am secure in His sovereignty.  Let's just hit this curveball out the park and look for a home run.  :)

Waging War

We're bbaaacccccck.  :)  At least for a brief update.

It has been a week full of support from family and friends near and far.  From friends who flew in from far away, friends that sat with Rich during surgery and sat with me post surgery, drove our kids to school, watched the younger kids, made meals for us, mailed gifts, sent flowers and everyone who has prayed, prayed and prayed for us.

With my limited range of motion and ability to concentrate for brief periods of time, this update will have to be brief, but I'll try to include all I can remember.

First, the pre-op dye injection could not have gone better!  I KNOW that people were praying for us because in a situation where anyone would have the right to freak out I felt surrounded by peace.  The dye injection is a painful, cold, lonely and somewhat intimidating process, but I felt guarded by an army of angels throughout the process.  Rich was not allowed to wait on the floor with me, the room has to be one of the coldest in the hospital (to keep the machines from breaking down) and they use needles to inject the dye on each side.  Despite all this, the whole process went quickly and I felt so protected.  Thank you for praying over me specifically during this time.

As we were doing final preparations and meeting the other doctors and nurses, God sent a huge encouragement in the form of my anesthesiologist.  After she introduced herself to me I asked her about not using certain medications/procedures that have been questionable for treating cancer patients and fully expected to have to justify myself.  BUT, she completely agreed based on her research she had done because SHE IS ALSO A CANCER SURVIVOR.  What are the chances of having a cancer survivor included in my team of doctors????  She took good care of me.  God is good.

I have mentioned how powerful I think prayer is and my surgery is most definitely an example.  I don't have a better way to explain that there is certainly a bigger battle being waged here.  This is not just about a battle to beat cancer - though that is what we see  - but I am convinced that a bigger, unseen battle is being waged for His Glory through my Good.  The best way I can explain this is through a rundown of my surgery (reconstructed through facts from Rich and my surgeon).

The first part of surgery included the lymph node biopsy.  There is a tool used to detect which lymph node the radioactive substance spreads to first.  This lymph node is then dissected to determine whether or not the cancer has spread.  About and hour and a half into surgery, the surgeon stepped out to give Rich an update....Rich thought the update was of the biopsy result....but it was actually because somehow, during the procedure, the tool used to detect the radioactive substance BROKE.  And yep, there is only ONE in the entire hospital.  The options were to continue with a visual method or wake me up and start all over a different day.  Thank the Lord, the surgeons were able to continue with the back up visual method and were successful!  Family and friends were waging war on our behalf without even knowing it.

While the surgeons were completing the rest of the mastectomy my bleeding continued to increase and my blood pressure dropped.  My bleeding didn't stop and my blood pressure was in the 60's.  The next update my surgeon gave Rich was that surgery was put on hold until my blood pressure stabilized.  Finally, after four transfusions my blood pressure rose from the 60's and they were able to complete the reconstruction portion of surgery.  Again, family and friends were waging war on our behalf without even knowing the full extent of the battle.  At one point during surgery a friend said she felt a strong conviction to stop in the middle of running errands and pray for me with her kids.  It wasn't but a minute later that Rich had sent her a text about surgery being on pause until my blood pressure stabilized.  

I spent a couple nights in the ICU to recover from a 'rougher than normal' surgery before being moved to the normal post surgical floor and finally being released after three nights in the hospital.  It took a while to get an IV in, figure out the balance of finding the right meds to relieve pain and also keep my blood pressure up.  I truly believe we were given an 'A-team' of doctors, nurses and prayer warriors to surround us with His protection.  I know my life - aka my 'good' was being brought before His throne continually and especially during surgery for His Glory.  For that we are eternally grateful.

And we continue to seek your prayers for the following:
1) the initial lymph node biopsy came back NEGATIVE - praise the Lord!!!  But we get the official results this week.  There are sometime false negatives, but we are praying and waiting expectantly for final lab results to be negative!

2) My recovery is getting better and better each day.  I can walk further, move my arms more and continue to have more energy.  It is the emotional and mental battle that I also ask prayer for.  I have not yet had the courage to see my 'new' self in the mirror yet.  It is an adjustment that I'm sure will take time.  And once the drains aka 'grenades' are removed, I'm sure that will be a big step towards feeling more 'normal'.  I know I've never been in the running for a beauty pageant, but I will admit that this is a pretty significant vulnerability in my self image and I need to remind myself that I am still His creation - and that His creations are beautiful regardless of the type of scars we bear.

3) Protection for my family - Rich is working more than overtime and my kids are resilient so far.  Please pray for their physical protection from sickness and that my kids would be protected from fear of what they see me go through.  I pray that their innocence would be preserved.

4) Continued wisdom in deciding on future treatment.  We are looking into all our options and the big picture seems overwhelming...considering I can't even walk more than a few minutes yet.  :)  Pray that we would have clarity of thought and perspective as we make future decisions.

We so very grateful for all the love and support and prayers lavished on us by our family and friends.  Thank you so much, from the bottom of our hearts.

Here are some fun pics of the past couple days.

      

Far away Friends

Jen is not authoring this post.  She is still in the hospital recovering from surgery (with the hopes of heading home by the weekend).  I have hijacked her account (with permission!) in hopes of getting out some information to a broader audience.

Many of you, especially far away friends, have been asking what you can do to help Jen and the rest of the Hartney family.  Distance is somewhat limiting!

Here are a few things:

Keep praying!  God hears our pleas and praises and they touch His heart.

Send notes of encouragement. (...and maybe a picture/note for the kids!)

Send a 'treat'.  Jen is on a pretty restricted diet...vegan, vegetarian, raw, organic.  If you are wanting to include a 'treat' with your encouragement, please send something that meets that criteria.  These types of things are usually sold in health/whole food stores like Whole Foods or Sprouts.  You can order a lot of these sorts of products online (amazon.com) too.  A few suggestions include:

• products from 2 Moms In The Raw 
• dried kale chips or other dried veggie/veggie chips
• granola or granola bars
• walnuts (no additives/flavors)
• dried figs (no additives/flavors) or other no sugar added dried fruit

*If wondering what to get, look up 2 Moms in the Raw products on amazon.com, click on one and then scroll through the 'customers who bought this item also bought' products further down the page.  This should provide a good starting point!

Clean their house.  They have a cleaning service set up.  If you're interested sponsoring a cleaning or two, please contact Kerry Faber, kerryfreed@hotmail.com.

Look forward.  Jen will likely be going to a cancer treatment center (Phoenix? Houston?) for chemo treatment.  There will be a lot of logistical needs to fill regarding those treatment trips.  If you are able/willing to help out with that (be a travel companion, help in El Paso, have friends/family in either of those locations that may be able to help), please consider doing so.

If you need the Hartney's address, please contact me, danajones50@hotmail.com.

Thank you for being the hands and feet of Jesus to Jen and her family.  And thank you for your willingness to do so even from afar!

~Dana

The Fire

There are a million thoughts swirling through my head so bear with me while I try to capture as much as I can in a coherent manner before I sign off for a while.

To say we have been loved upon is an understatement of the year.  It's like saying I caught a minor cold.  :)  I am so humbled by the ways so many have shown us their love and encouragement....so many tangible ways to remind me that even though I have to physically take some of the steps on my own tomorrow, I am most certainly not alone.  We are not alone.  Our whole family has a band of warriors fighting alongside us and holding us up when we just simply can't do it on our own.

Several times over the past few days, I have heard the phrase 'keep you warm' from different people....on different continents regarding their prayers for me.  I've heard it repeated so many times that I actually asked a friend what made her write that in her e-mail....I said I just happened to hear it several times and was wondering if I had missed something?  :)  She said 'I don't even have a good explanation of why I said to be warm'.  Isn't God crazy good in how He speaks to us sometimes?  It's this phrase that keeps getting repeated to me by different people and I know there is a reason for it.
As if that wasn't enough, I received this precious quilt in the mail on Friday morning.  We were blown away.  To say I love it is again, an understatement.  I just have to show it off.

Several friends helped put this together, picking out fabric, sewing and sending a 'blessing ring' with it that includes verses and encouragement.  It is absolutely precious to me.  I will take it to the hospital with me and hope to see it's colors when I wake up.  :)  

On a different note, I just feel compelled to respond to folks who have commented that I seem strong or courageous.  Because I don't feel either.  The only reason why my surgeon won't see my bare bottom with my gown flapping behind me as I try to escape the OR is because of the Grace of God.  I am terrified, but will manage to take one step after another tomorrow by the Grace of God.  I am sad, but know that the tears only last for a little while, by the Grace of God.  I am broken hearted, but have felt comfort because of the Grace of God.  I dread the poking, prodding and pain, but know that I have a powerful God to lean into because He is gracious.  Any good that I have is only by the Grace of God.  I can never claim to have any strength of courage to get through this aside from the Grace of God.  I am thankful to know Him and know that He loves me and that through Him I can do all things.  

Another comment that I have heard from different friends is how even though I may feel like I am walking through a fire, I will not be burned.  In fact, one friend, who has been through unimaginable fire herself, encouraged me with something she learned during her own trial.  That not only will I not be burned, I won't even smell like smoke. :)       

                           

I may smell like a bonfire tomorrow morning because we enjoyed one more family fire and sunset tonight, though.  :)  I took this picture tonight and thought that even though we are walking through fire right now, there is a beautiful sunset at the end.

And here is the basic rundown for tomorrow:

We will arrive at the hospital around 7.  I will have some blood work done (one to confirm that I am not pregnant...hello?  Did we miss the part where I gave birth a month ago?????) and then go to nuclear medicine for the ever dreaded dye injection.  Once that is complete I will go to the OR.  My surgeon said to expect to be in the OR between 9 and 10.  He said surgery may take around 5 hours.  So hopefully, by the time my older two are done with school, I'll be done with surgery.  :)

Please continue to pray for my surgeons and staff.  Please pray, pray, pray for a negative biopsy.
Please continue to lift up my family - for Rich, the kids and my mom as she stays home with the kids.   My husband was a champ and did an amazing job of finally telling the kids that I'm sick and will be going to the hospital and return with some bandages.  :)  I'm so thankful they are too young to worry about me ... the world is right as long as their dad sings jingle bells to them at bedtime.  :)

We love you and are so grateful for the family and friends who have surrounded us and lifted us up before the throne of God.

Much Hartney love,
Rich, Jen, reagan, vera, ada, téa and raleigh

 

I finally cried

tears of JOY!

We officially received our lab results yesterday.  My doctor called on Monday night with the results and started off by saying my results were 'complicated'.  I didn't realize that I had been holding my breath until she said 'but your BRCA1 and 2 (the ones that are directly related to breast cancer) test is negative' and I had tears of such relief, joy and thanks.  I felt like a load of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders.  Something I haven't shared yet is that I had been feeling really burdened with the possibility of having passed on this gene to my four daughters.  I was carrying around some guilt and fear and hearing that my results were negative was such relief.  At first my husband thought something was wrong because I was crying, but I was just SO thankful for the negative results.  The 'complicated' part is that the test did pick up several mutations that seem rare, but at this time there isn't enough research to know if there is any significance to them.  So, for the next 6 months I am in a 'high risk' category, but there isn't much more to it.  Praise God.  Thank you, Lord, for the negative results.

My surgery date is scheduled for Monday, December 1st.  Yep, that's right after the Thanksgiving weekend....let's hope no one on my surgical team goes too heavy on the eggnog.  :)  The biggest decision we are trying to make right now is what type of surgery to have - geesh, who knew you had SO many options and factors in deciding between a lumpectomy, single mastectomy and double mastectomy!  It's a bit overwhelming....to the point that I asked my own 'panel' of advisors for their advice/input.  I felt too deep in the details to think through it all clearly with the big picture in mind.  After praying, researching, asking a ton of questions, I had two thoughts.  1) - I am praying for a peace regarding our decision...an overwhelming peace.  Not that I would necessarily 'like' the decision, but that the right one for us would be clearly revealed through His peace that surpasses all understanding.  and 2) One of my biggest fears is looking like 'frankenstein' afterwards.  I mean, we're talking about some very personal part of my anatomy.  Basically, I will have a form of an amputation and then it is up to a plastic surgeon to recreate what mother nature gave me.  There is science involved, but there is also a lot of 'art'.  And due to restrictions/policies with the Army, my plastic surgeon doesn't have any pictures of his 'art' for me to see.

Now let me tell you how crazy good God is:  I was feeling discouraged about not being able to see any pictures of my plastic surgeon's 'art', but as my surgeon stepped out of the room, the nurse told us how 'good' he is.  She said she was really impressed with his skill.  That helped a little bit, but not really.  Then the Lord reminded me of a friend who had mentioned that she had a procedure done by a plastic surgeon at our same hospital.  I texted her and asked some more details and whether she would be willing to tell me the doc's name.  She had the same doc I have and said he was great!  And she chose him specifically because she was a nurse and used to take care of his patients post op and said he wasn't just a good 'artist' but that he was really good with his patients post op as well.  Hello!  Isn't God good in how He quiets my fears?  And to know that so many events were lined up prior to that day....

                                       This is a rainbow I saw on the way home from church....
                          I consider rainbow sightings extracool when you live in the desert.  :)

I listened to a sermon from an old pastor and was also amazed at how God spoke to my soul.  He spoke about a passage from Exodus 17 where the Israelites fight against the Amalekites (and how cool that our current pastor has also been preaching from Exodus!!!!).  He talked about how as Christians we are to fight on the outside as if it depended on us, but fight on the inside as if it all depended on God.  In other words, fight like crazy with all you've got - your energy, strength and mind, but remember that there is another battle to wage in our souls where it all depends on God.  It's not about just one or the other, but both.  Because what I've learned is that this cancer threatens to kill and destroy my physical body.  And that sucks.  (Can we pause for a moment and just own that?  Yep, feel free to say it.  Cancer sucks.).  BUT, more importantly it also wants me to feel sorry for myself, focus on just myself, use it as an excuse to be grouchy with my family, obsess about my diet and use it as license to do basically whatever I want to do.  And it's where I know that the prayers of family and friends are fighting on our behalf.  We know it and feel the evidence of this battle being waged for us.  Please, keep it up!  We need your prayers.....this battle has only just begun.  I 'enter the ring' in less than 5 days and I will be totally honest and say that I am dreading the day.

And that's where another concept called 'refrigerator friends' comes in.  Our former pastor quoted this from another pastor (sorry, I'm totally failing in documenting these quotes, but bottom line - it's not my concept! :)).  These are the friends that can come over, feel free to open your fridge, eat your leftovers/make a sandwich and it's not weird!  In fact, it's just normal.  It's that level of intimacy where they don't wait for you to wave your hands in the air and have to say how overwhelmed you are - they just know.  And they step in without having to be asked.  They not just want to help, they actually step in and help.  These are the friends of life.  And as Thanksgiving comes up and I realize just HOW MUCH I have to be thankful for, these 'refrigerator' friends are near the top of my list.  The friends that want and are flying in from thousands of miles away to help take care of me and my family.  These friends that didn't need me to ask - they just offered.  And then they acted....probably because they knew I might never ask (yes, I could be called stubborn:)).  And as I think forward through what is to come, I had no idea how much I am looking forward to seeing these soul friends.

I feel like there is so much I forget in each post...., but I am convinced that His Glory is being revealed through my Good.  There is much Glory and Good to be had here (even if, can we say it again? cancer sucks.).  I know that we will look back on this journey and be in awe of how He worked in every detail.  Because none of this battle is in vain.  Every part is used for my good and His Glory.  And even though I can't explain the 'why' of this journey, I do know that it makes me want Him even more.  I don't necessarily want to know more facts.  I want to know Him. I want to know Him more as my daddy who says it's okay to take a break from fighting and rest in Him and I want to know Him more as my Lord who fights for me because I am the daughter of THE King.

And so here are our specific prayer requests:
1) during surgery they will biopsy my lymph nodes to determine if the cancer has spread.  We are praying for NEGATIVE results!
2) prior to surgery I will have some dye injected into me to see where the first/ 'sentinal' lymph nodes are.  I have heard some women say this hurt more than the rest of the procedure and compared it to child birth.  And I have to be alone for this process.  This occupies my thoughts more than the surgery itself (let's face it, I'll be under for several hours and at the point it will be the most sleep I've had in over a month! :)).  Pray for peace and yes, that perhaps my pain tolerance will be at an all time high that day :))
3)  for my friends who are putting their families and responsibilities on hold to come help.  That their families would be covered and cared for and that their children would see how incredible their mommas are.
4)  Again, for my surgical team.  That somehow, someway, even in a surgery that might be routine to them, they would see God's Glory (I'm not sure exactly what I'm asking for so I'll leave it at that).

I will try to post one more update before the surgery and at that point will ask my husband to take over since I will probably not be able to type (and he's a much better write than me!).

Happy Thanksgiving of all Thanksgivings to our family and friends.  We love you and covet the prayers and support.
     

From circus to orchestra.....and being tired.

I've said before that sometimes our car and our house feel like a circus.... when I look around I can almost sometimes hear circus music playing in the background.  Between having a baby, 11 doctor's appointments/scans/tests and adjusting to life with five kiddos, life has felt like a juggling act for the past few weeks.  We have had countless family and friends step in to encourage us, make meals for us, send us notes of encouragement, send gifts, watch kids, pick up older kids from school, clean the house, check in to see how we are doing - we have been loved on extravagantly.  Thank you so, so much.  

We know that others are also going through trials  - from the struggle with the everyday mundane to deployments and everything in between - and loving on us in the midst of that is a sacrifice and it does not go unnoticed.  

It's been our first week without appointments...which has given me a chance to do more research/ask more questions/prepare for the first step, which is surgery.  We met with our surgeon last Friday and during our conversation I mentioned something about praying...  and get this:  He said (something along the lines of ) "you know, it's funny that you  mention prayer because I've had four different occasions of different people mentioning that they were praying for you.  And they don't know that I know you, much less that I'm your surgeon (all in the name of doctor patient confidentiality)."  W.O.W.  Seriously, my surgeon is being shown that God is at work here.  And we are being shown that this situation/diagnosis/cancer and my life is not a circus.  God is orchestrating all things.  For our good.  And His Glory.  

As if that wasn't cool enough, a few days ago my husband got a call from a guy that we've never met.  He said his small group had been praying for us (again, we don't know this guy!) and through a series of events, he realized that we have a very good mutual friend - a friendship of over 10 years!  Have I said how crazy cool God is?  

Because here's the thing:  God doesn't have to show us these mercies.  He could just tell us in His word that He is faithful and good and leave it at that.  But nope, our God chooses to reveal His mercies to us continually because He knows what we need.  He knows when we need encouragement.  He knows when I need to see concrete evidence of His Glory being revealed through my good.  Our life is not a circus comprised of random events.  He is orchestrating all things, in control for our good and His glory.  It has always been, is and will continue to be all in His perfect hands.    

And now here's the nitty gritty:

1) As we wait for the surgery date to draw near, my tears seem closer to the surface.  Maybe it's because I don't have a bunch of appointments to distract me and because I'm having to wean Raleigh more and more,  Maybe it's because the reality of everything is finally starting to sink in.  Maybe it's because I'm tired.  Maybe it's because I have friends offering to fly in to help me post surgery and it makes me realize that this is a big deal.  Maybe it's all of it.  But I'm fighting more and more to keep the tears at bay because I don't want to give in quite yet.  The tears may flow days before surgery or the morning of surgery, or even after surgery, but for now, I'm just not ready for them to flow yet.  I'm not sure how to translate this into a prayer request, so I'll just leave this as it is for now.  

2) The morning of surgery, they will inject me with some dye to help determine where my 'sentinal' lymphnodes are for the biopsy.  There will be a wait of 45 min to 2 hours while we wait for the dye to spread..... pray that I would not run away from the hospital and hop a plane to a secluded island while I wait.  Pray that my nerves would be under control and for the peace that surpasses all understanding.  And you have suggestions for any fun, upbeat songs/playlist or something funny to read by all means pass it along (maybe some Michael Jackson's thriller?  I don't know...just something to distract me).  

3) After the lymphnode biopsy, they will send the cells to the lab to determine whether or not the cancer has spread.  During all the exams and scans, there has been no evidence that it has spread, but this will tell us for sure.  Pray that the lab results return negative.  That my lymphnodes would be clear.  This would mean I can avoid radiation.  Please pray that the cancer has not spread.  

4) While the lab is working on my results, the surgeon will proceed with the double mastectomy.  Please pray for my surgeon and his team - my surgeon's name is Luke.  Please pray not just for a competent team, but that somehow through all this, through my being their patient that they would see God's Glory.  That they would somehow see God in my cancer.  I have no idea how that would happen, but let's just pray for the doctors and nurses to be touched in a very real way.  

5) Once the mastectomy is complete, the plastic surgeon will step in for the reconstruction (which will be completed in phases).  Pray for him as well.  I'll call him Dr. Z.  Pray that He would see God in all this.  And I'll be a bit personal and honest here (as if I haven't been already???).  Please pray that His work is good - honestly, I want to be 'aesthetically happy' with his work.  Because I plan to kick this cancer in the tail and years down the road I'd really appreciate being happy with my 'girls'.  :)  

6) And please pray for the recovery - for no complications/infections.  That I would respond well to the surgery and anaesthesia.  That I would have a sense of peace as I see my 'new normal' self for the first time.  And please pray for for my family and friends who will be helping me during recovery...for grace upon grace on them as they deal with a 'sick and not so fun Jen' and put their needs/responsibilities on hold to help us.  

Here's a passage that I have been reminded of over and over again...and may you be encouraged by it as well:  

" For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of His Glory, He may grant you to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith - that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.  Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever.  Amen."  Hebrews 3: 14-21.  

Overwhelmed..... by Him

Overwhelmed.  I promised to keep it real here, right?

I don't like to go around saying 'I'm overwhelmed', but sometimes, it is what it is and quite frankly, I feel overwhelmed.

                                This is our messy kitchen after attempting new vegetarian/cancer fighting recipes
                                and breakfast.  The state of my kitchen is sometimes a reflection of how I feel.
                               

My mind seems on overdrive with research of cancer treatments, information regarding surgery (lumpectomy vs mastectomy), plastic surgery (yes, I'm vain and want reconstruction - thankful that our insurance covers it!), changing my diet to incorporate cancer fighting foods, supplements, weaning Raleigh in preparation for surgery, etc.  And I know that I'm not firing on all cylinders when I'm on a newborn sleep cycle.  :)  Friends and family can attest to that.  :)  And I'm not exactly the martha stewart of decorating for holidays or the equivalent in terms of running a household with little ones.  I just simply feel like I'm always behind on something.  And so I broke down the other night, after letting crankiness and grumpiness get the best of me, and told my husband just how overwhelmed I felt.  I feel like I'm in a race against time to get so much done before surgery and treatments knock me off my feet for a bit.  And I have no idea how we're going to 'get it all done' when I'm not operating at 100%.

So, there it is - the nitty, gritty of how I feel at times.  Just simply overwhelmed.

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you."  Psalm 55:2

But like I said - my feelings don't change the fact that God is Good.  Can I say that again?  God is good.  He is faithful.  He knows what I need before I even ask.  Don't believe me?  Think that it's just he power of positive thinking?  Here are just a few glimpses into how He has been whispering to me and reassuring me that He has all this in His hands.

1) I mentioned in a post the other day that I was sad for a bit.  Sad for the things that I know are to come and how they will affect my family and friends.  A friend who is a prayer saint of mine said she had been praying for me and just asking God how she could pray for me.  And guess what He revealed to her?  That I was sad.  So that's how she prayed for me - that in my sadness, which is ok, I would find peace and solace in Him, my daddy.  And THEN she read the post where I mentioned being sad.  Geesh, He had friends lifting me up in my sadness before I ever admitted that I was sad!  God is Good. He meets all my needs and knows my deepest desires.  "In your presence there is fullness of joy."  Psalm 16:11

2)  I went to dinner last night with some girlfriends (yes, one of the benefits of starting to wean and having a mom and husband who are willing to hold down the fort for the night to let me have a few hours off!).  I sat across from a beautiful gal that I've been getting to know over the last few months.  We talked a bit about my recent appointments, etc. and I mentioned that we had just met with the plastic surgeon.  And yup, I'm not exactly thrilled about surgery in general, but even more about the recovery. Wouldn't 'ya know?  This beauty, sitting across from me had a double mastectomy with reconstruction - pretty much the same exact procedure that I will be having!  And she was so gracious in sharing her tips, experience, reassurances and even some pictures of recovery.  And I felt some of the anxiety I have just melt away.  I mean, here I am talking and looking at this beauty who has been through what I'm about to face.  God knew that I needed someone to tell me that 'it'll be okay, and you will come through this just fine'.  Someone that has been through it and could talk from experience.  God is Good.

"I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!  Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord."  Psalm 27:13-14

3) An acquaintance of a friend/family was introduced to me recently because of her similar background battling breast cancer.  I have to confess that I am looking at all methods/treatments for this battle to include natural/alternative/holistic therapy in addition the conventional treatment of surgery/chemo/radiation.  And up to now, I don't feel a peace about chemo.  It's not just because I don't want my hair to fall out (we'll deal with that when/if the time comes and figure out to rock a bald head!), but I just don't feel at peace with it.  yet.  God may provide that in due time.  I don't know.  But I called this lady to hear her background and see what her situation was and any advice she may have.  Again - wouldn't 'ya know?  Her tumor was the exact same size as mine, her staging and grade was the same as well.  And she was one year older.  Really?  That's no coincidence.  She had so much to share with me about natural/alternative methods of treatment that she has pursued after her cancer returned when she followed a regiment of surgery/chemo/radiation.  God is Good.      

"This I know that God is for me."  Psalm 56:9
" Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisors, they succeed."  Provers 15:22

You want more evidence of how God continues to give me glimpses of HIS OVERWHELMING goodness to me?  Just ask - I have more to share.

And that's just where my 'I feel overwhelmed' met HIS overwhelming goodness to me.  His overwhelming Grace.  He keeps meeting my needs - physical, emotional, mental - everything.

We have another appointment with our surgeon today.  We'll discuss a tentative date of surgery for December 1st.  It depends on a few factors/coordinating with other surgeons/having the right stock for reconstruction on hand.

Honestly, it's not the date I was hoping for - my mom is in town and leaves December 5th, so that doesn't exactly maximize my recovery time with her help.  BUT, I'm choosing to not fight it or try to manipulate the date.  He keeps showing me that He has woven all details of this journey together and that He has already chosen the best date for my good and His Glory.  Because there's a bigger story here than just my battle with cancer.  As our pastor said so well, recently, it's about how He chooses to use our good to reveal His Glory.  Doesn't that blow you away?  That He chooses and works for our Good as a way to reveal His Glory.  So I will not fret about the date, but just trust and wait expectantly.

"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of Grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."  Hebrews 4:16

" But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning.  For you have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress.  O my strength, I will sing praises to you, for you, O God, are my fortress, the God who shows me steadfast love."  Psalm 59:16-17

Jigsaw puzzles, lego battles,Veteran's Day and the Giving Keys

Our car is a circus act.  Seriously.  We underestimated the challenge of fitting five car seats in our minivan.  The other night, all five kids were asleep, which means WE should be asleep, too, but we spent about 40 minutes in the garage trying to reconfigure everything.  It's not the best activity to choose when sleep deprived.  :)  We have a temporary solution, but still need to work on a better/workable solution...anyone want to trade a suburban for an Odyssey???  :)

As maddening as it felt, trying to figure out this jigsaw puzzle of car seats, it was somewhat of a welcome break from all the cancer research/appointments/tests/scans/questions/etc.  It just felt so normal to focus on car seats.  So, in a way, I'm thankful for our '2 booster + 2 harnessed car seats + 1 infant seat doesn't really fit in an Odyssey' problem.  It's a normal problem.  I'm a fan of normal right now.

And we have been blessed over and over again with friends dropping off meals, mailing snacks, gifts, passing along research, sending cards and gift cards.  I can't say how encouraging it has been, not to mention so helpful in practical ways.  The other night the kids wanted to have their lego battle with some newly acquired army figures.... and I was able to enjoy the 'battle' because I wasn't preparing dinner, or trying to find more research on line or running out to the store to pick something up.  What I'm trying to say is, the meals and gifts have been more than just meals and gifts...they have given me moments with the kids that I otherwise wouldn't get...and moments that may be limited in the near future.

On Friday, our kids' school had a Veteran's Day ceremony...very well done and topped off by a very cool fly over!  It was a sobering reminder of our friends, some of whom, have sacrificed much.  So much.  And I was reminded to pray for some friends and their relationship.  And we're praying for a little baby boy who is spending his first week in the NICU.  And I know you don't need cancer for the days of parenting littles ones to be hard and take their toll.  And for those friends who are doing it all while their spouse is deployed.  There is so much else to be prayed for than just my cancer.  And so know that I want to pray for you as well.  It's something I can do.

And for news on the cancer front:  we met with two different oncologists (one for chemo and one for radiation) this week and have been in touch with our surgeon trying to figure out a date for surgery.  The good news is that based on the MRI, the official measurement of my tumor is 1.9cm vs the 2.2 cm measurement from the ultrasound.  We won't really know the final size until surgery, but hey, I'll take smaller vs bigger!  :)  From the initial scans and exams, there is no sign that the cancer has spread into my lymph nodes.  They will do a procedure during surgery to officially determine whether or not cancer is in my lymph nodes...if the lab results come back as negative, then we are one huge step in the right direction!  And here is one of the best things I have heard all week:  from the mouth of the last oncologist we saw.  If my tumor is indeed smaller and 2cm, and if the lab results of lymph nodes come back as negative, I could officially be considered Stage 1 vs Stage 2!  This doesn't necessarily change my surgery, but it would be a huge encouragement to be considered Stage 1.

And of course, I promise to keep it real.  I can joke and have so many things to praise God for, but I am also very human and I struggle.  When it comes down to it, I don't want to do surgery, I don't want to do chemo, I don't want to do radiation, I don't want my kids to see me sick, I don't want my kids to see my bald, I don't want to see my body covered in scars with drains sticking out after surgery, I just don't want to have cancer.  But above all those things that I don't want, I DO want to fight this fight well and give God all the Glory.  All the good that comes from this and from my lips is because of God.  I want Him to be revealed in this fight.  I want more than ever before, for my kids to have such a deep foundation in God that when storms come their way, which they will, they will know where their anchor of Hope comes from.  I want you to pray for me in crazy, expectant ways, and be blown away when God answers your prayers.  I want you, my family and friends, to know Him better through this fight.  If I could go to bed and wake up to tell Rich about this crazy dream I had where I was diagnosed with cancer, I would.  But I've been given this fight and I'm going to do my darned best to kick some cancer tail and give God all the Glory.  You better keep me accountable to that!

And speaking of prayer, here are some specific requests we have:
1) figuring out an OR date:  we have to coordinate a few different surgeons and OR time and hope it all lines up to maximize my recovery while my mom is in town.  And I really need to have Raleigh Mae weaned by then.  We are looking at anywhere from the 14th, 17th or 1st or 5th of December.  Trusting God for the right date.

2) that the lab results from my biopsy would come back as negative.  It would give me the option of avoiding radiation (if I opt for a double/bilateral mastectomy).

3) that we have clarity of thought, wisdom and agreement from our doctors on what type of surgery to do - lumpectomy, mastectomy or double mastectomy with reconstruction.  And that when I wake up from surgery, I would have a peace that comes only from God as I see my 'new' body and learn to accept it.  And that we would avoid infections and complications.

4) that I would know how to prepare for recovery after surgery - I will have to wear different clothes, and have very limited movement/use of my arms; it will be a big adjustment and we're thinking through all the ways to prepare for it.

And to end on a positive note, my husband surprised me with a very cool gift today.  It's from a company called The Giving Keys.  It's a necklace with a key on it inscribed with 'blessed'.  Look it up for a better description, but the bottom line is it is a necklace that someday I hope to pass on to someone who may need the encouragement.  and I'll be able to tell them my story of cancer and how we beat it and all the ways that God revealed Himself.

A Good Day

A very good day.

Last Friday we had a very full day of appointments - mammogram, ultrasound and MRI.  I learned a few things... a mammogram machine could be considered a modern day torture device...ok, maybe I exaggerate, but I definitely think it was designed by a guy.  :)  An ultrasound of your armpits is soothingly non eventful.  :)  And I may be just a wee bit claustrophobic (note to self, check that box next time!).

By the grace of God the mammogram went as smooth as possible...I won't get into too many details, but considering I was one week into nursing, it could have been way, way worse, but God is so faithful - even in details regarding lactation.  :)

As I was being moved into the MRI machine I started to panic...it came out of nowhere because I had no idea that I would feel so claustrophobic.  I was laying on my tummy, arms stretched out in front, surrounded by some loud noises...imagine a wonder woman pose moving backwards on a conveyer belt. Maybe it was just the newness of it all or the sensory deprivation, but like I said I started feeling panicky.  I almost hit the tap out button, but did something my mother in law said she did during her MRI for her arm.  I just started singing a hymn.  It's a hymn that has been with me for a long time...from our engagement, through deployment, what I sing to the kids at night...I just started singing it over and over again to myself and prayed to get through the next 40 minutes.

"Come Thou fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing thy praise.  Streams of mercy never ceasing, call for songs of loudest praise."

As I came out of the MRI I joked with the techs that I felt like I should be wearing a cape because of the funny pose I was in..... until I almost fell down when I got up because I got super light headed.  But all in all, it is over.  :)

When I came out to the waiting room I found Rich with Raleigh and our surgeon!  He had come and found Rich to give us an update on more test results.

Here's where it gets really good:  based on the mammogram and ultrasound, the cancer has NOT spread.  Yep, yep - one big hurray!  And the 'markers' of my labs came back as HER - (her negative)...between HER negative and positive, negative is a good thing.  Another BIG hurray!  That was all SUCH GREAT NEWS.  And SO encouraging.  It felt good to just rest in the good news.

As I mentioned a few posts back, I also want to keep things real and be as transparent as possible so everyone knows that any strength and encouragement I have comes from God and God only.  I can take zero credit for any goodness.

In the middle of the night when I was feeding Raleigh and the whole house was quiet, a new feeling came over me.  Sadness.  I wasn't mad or afraid.  Just sad.  Because I know that this battle will take a toll.  It will physically take parts of my body in a very real way.  If we do chemo/radiation, it will take a toll on my family and friends.  I will lose moments with the kids, friends, family....and I don't have to mention that Thanksgiving and Christmas are right around the corner.  Will I be curled up in the corner or in my bed with my head covered in a bandana only having the energy to watch my family?  Yes, this battle will not be easy.  And so I had a few moments of sadness.

BUT, God promises to bring beauty from ashes.  He promises to restore the years the locusts have eaten.  In Hebrews 10, I am reminded that Christ, when He died for my sins, made access to God a very real and personal relationship.  And because He has already paved the way, I can  - am supposed to - approach Him with confidence that He hears me.  I can ask and know that He does not shoo me away or ignore me or minimize what I feel.  He hears me and desires my good and His Glory.

Today we meet with the oncologist where we will discuss options regarding chemo.  I am not thrilled.  at all.  I am a bit apprehensive.  But as a dear friend reminded me, (Matthew 6:8) He already knows what we need before we even ask.  That's pretty cool.

In Awe

First things first:  Praise God for a healthy baby and delivery!

Raleigh Mae Hartney was born October 24th, 2014, 1:14 p.m., weighing 6 lbs, 12.8 oz.  :)  She is perfect.  Such a gift.  

I had zero complications and am leaps and bounds ahead of where I was after the last two births.  Thank you for your prayers.  We are so grateful that I came home with no transfusions - thank you, but you can keep the blood 'cause this momma don't need it!  

It's been almost a week of soaking her in while my head swirls with countless doctor's names, numbers, titles and appointments.  With everything we're trying to keep track of Rich made a wise suggestion to compile a 'cancer binder'.  Which was a fun distraction because, of course, I want to make it look pretty.  :)  

Thank you, everyone - family and friends - for all your encouragement and words of scripture and reminders that we are not in this alone.  I'm blown away by the gifts (yes, folks sent Halloween costumes for the kiddos - AWESOME!), meals, countless offers to help, texts just to 'check in' and generosity.  Geesh, you'd think I just told you I had cancer or something..... oh yeah.  I do.  

And as a friend put it, the reality of everything hits me in waves.  Raleigh has been such a sweet distraction from everything else - from having to take a break from researching/scheduling/coordinating to feed her or funny things like being so relieved to get through parent teacher conferences without cabbage leaves falling out of my shirt ( consider yourself lucky if you don't know what this means).  I had some quiet moments in the shower the other day and just found myself asking God, 'please, let me live to see my children's children....and their children.  Please, Lord.'  I was reminded that even though I have this diagnosis, it doesn't change who my Creator is one bit.  He has always been, is and always will be the One who knit me in my mother's womb, and at the same time commands the heavens and earth.  So, even in the moments when I feel like I am 'walking through the valley of the shadow of death', I do not have to fear.  He is our strength and shield and help in times of trouble.  

His mercies are new every morning.  Today we had the first of a series of appointments with a geneticist.  The doc was really great - she took her time explaining everything while I took notes.  This was good because when you first walk into an oncology clinic and are surrounded by dozens of mannequin heads with wigs and bandanas it feels a bit surreal (by the way, if I have to shave my head I'm going to color it something funky first....taking votes - blonde, deep red or light brown??? :)).  And then I'm snapped back into reality as Raleigh has her first blow out and Rich and I are teaming up to get her cleaned up....actually, I just handed Rich the wipes. He did the dirty work.  And is it just not ironic to be breastfeeding, too??  The doc set up the genetic test for me right after our appointment which is a huge praise - it's a week earlier than was originally scheduled!  And the biggest joy was seeing what a breath of fresh air Raleigh brought to the clinic.  This little bundle of perfect, fresh, life in the midst of cancer patients.  The staff just ogled over her.  We've been on the receiving end of so much goodness - it felt good to bring something good to others.     

Tomorrow we have a busy day of mammogram, ultrasound and MRI...some will understand what I mean when I say it is going to be tricky due to the fact that I'm nursing.  But I just have to rely on God to get us through...I keep trying to come up with a timeline of feedings or how to work around the issue of being very full of milk and all these exams, but I'm just taking a deep breath and trusting God to get us through it.  

In the meantime, here are a few pics of our new addition.  God is good.  

Just for fun - mustache day at school!

The biggest and littlest sis

                                                          Dad with his hands full.  :)                        

Cancer

I have Stage 2 Breast Cancer.

Whew.  It takes a bit of getting used to to say/write that.  My apologies for having to be so blunt, but I don't think there is an 'unblunt' way to say it.

I had a biopsy done last week and we received results a couple days ago that confirmed what doctors initially thought.  It has been a roller coaster of events the past week or two, but getting results and knowing a diagnosis is somewhat of a reprieve from all the unknowns/attempts at planning future events.

I know sometimes it helps to have details to process news like this so here is a rundown....

Let me start by rewinding a bit:  A couple weeks ago I had a routine appointment to check on the baby...nothing was too out of the ordinary except the measurements were slightly small, so my OB referred me for an ultrasound just to be safe.  I also mentioned a lump I had noticed so she put in a referral for that as well.

At my appointment for the baby on Friday, the tech asked if I just wanted to do the scan for the lump as well (that appointment was originally a week later) and of course I said yes since I was already there and had childcare.  After that scan the doc said in his opinion it was likely cancer, but a biopsy would be needed to confirm anything.  At this point, things started moving quickly.  He conferred with my OB and surgeon and everyone agreed that it was best to get baby delivered in order to let me have maximum recovery prior to potential surgery/treatment.  So, 48 hours later, friends rallied with prayer and fasting, childcare, meals, my mother in law booked a flight and we were at the hospital being induced on a Sunday morning.....

You would think we would then come home with a baby in our arms....we did come home with a baby...still inside.  After two rounds of meds my body was contracting, but not responding enough so based on the doctor's opinion (different doctor was on call) we called it off and came home.  I had complications on the last delivery so there was concern regarding pounding my body with another round of meds and we decided to give my body more time to delivery as naturally as possible.

Tuesday afternoon the little girls were napping, my mother in law was resting and I was prepping some food in the kitchen.  That's when I received the phone call with a positive diagnosis of invasive breast cancer.  On Wednesday we had appts with the OB and surgeon and here we are on Thursday, processing through it all.

Praises:
1) The scan, results and meeting with our surgeon has happened about a week faster than we initially thought.  The radiologist requested results to be expedited and the surgeon moved up our appointment from Friday to Wednesday.  If you are like me, once there is a 'likely' diagnosis for something, you just want to know and get the uncertainty/waiting over with.  God has been faithful in the timing of all the events.

2) Even though the induction did not go as anticipated, I know it helped get my body closer to ready for delivery and it was a good warm up for the real deal (I'm still a bit gun shy of labor and birth based on our last experience!).

3) God was SO gracious in the timing of receiving the diagnosis.  The timing could not have been more perfectly orchestrated.  After I was told I had cancer I walked outside for some fresh air, and had the privacy and space I needed to process everything.  I needed the space.  It's how I'm wired.  It would have been so much harder for me to handle it in front of the kids, at the grocery store, school, lessons, etc.  I needed that solitary time.

4) Our appointment with the surgeon could not have gone better (aside from him saying, whoops, we read your results wrong, just kidding, not cancer :)).  He was compassionate yet very professional, taking time to answer all our questions and being very thorough.  Turns out he is also a grad and guess what?  We have mutual friends/acquaintances.  And best of all, he is a believer and his wife was saved in Young Life.  Wow.  My biggest apprehension before meeting with the surgeon was that he would treat me like another number and body waiting to be sliced up...but we felt so comfortable after our meeting.

5) Additional tests need to be done to figure out the best course of treatment:  lumpectomy/masectomy, radiation/chemo, etc.  The main test we need to wait on takes about three weeks to complete so that gives me THREE weeks to nurse.  This is a gift.  I had already been grieving that I would not be able to nurse or have time to bond with baby, but three weeks is more than I had thought.  And my mom was already scheduled to be here the same week I am scheduled for some type of surgery.  God is good.

6) There are so many more praises that I know I'm forgetting, but it is by the sheer grace of God that we haven't unraveled.  :)  Truly, I feel hope and joy and am SO amazed by the mercies that God continues to reveal to us.

All that said, I want to be transparent and not pretend like having cancer is a bed of roses.  So, here are a few of my 'keeping it reals'.

1)  Rich came home after I called him with the diagnosis and he found me curled up on our bed.  That's when I had my hearty I-don't-know-when-I'll-stop-crying-I-can-hardly-catch-my-breath sob.  I haven't been skipping through this - it is scary, it is overwhelming and it's still so surreal.

2)  Most likely I will not be able to nurse for any longer past the surgery.  At least that is what I'm braced for.  Now I don't necessarily LOVE nursing... but I have always appreciated being able to nurse and let my body provide what the baby needs for the first year.  Guilt for not being able to do this lingers.

3)  Between having a baby in the next couple days (if the baby does not come on his/her own today, I am scheduled for induction on Friday) and all the extra tests, exams and future breast surgery of some sort, I feel a bit like a rag doll, exposed.  Not much of my body seems to belong to me at this point.  But then I remember Christ died on the cross, physically abused and exposed with no dignity.  He knows how I feel.

4)  I have to fight the nagging feeling of guilt....for putting my family and friends through this.  For the worry that I know it causes and extra work for all those helping us.  But guilt is not from Him so I am fighting the feelings of guilt with gratitude for an unbelievably supportive community of our family and friends.  It is humbling to know that folks are interceding for us and praying for us.

5) umm...halloween is just around the corner, I don't have kids costumes together yet and bucket loads of sugar will inevitably make it's way into our house.... and most research recommends a sugar free diet for helping fight cancer.  It's kind of like my kryptonite, I guess.  But I need to remember that my kids DON'T have cancer and I can't freak out over every single thing they eat right now.  I am adjusting my diet because I am the one with cancer.  But how I love twix.......

Prayer Requests:  In order to give me maximum recovery time, we are scheduled for induction on Friday, but I would LOVE for the baby to make it's own appearance before then (yep...that's less than 24 hours from now...).  After my last delivery I had a severe hemorrhage and required four transfusions, so my past history with delivery isn't great.... we covet prayers for most importantly a healthy baby and healthy delivery so that I can be ready for future surgery/treatment.

I apologize again that this post was so matter of fact/clinical, but it's the best way I can get the story and facts told.  I know folks have been praying for us fervently and I hope these details help.

God is good.  Our circumstances do not change His nature.  Instead, His goodness and faithfulness gives us Hope and promise through the circumstances.  I hope that makes sense.  He never promised an easy life.  But He has promised over and over again in the bible that He will never leave or forsake us...even if we feel like we are walking through the valley of the shadow of death...He will sustain us.  He is my shield and hears our prayers.

I know the road ahead is going to be long and at times, not pretty, but I know He will never leave me.  All good things comes from Him.  All glory to Him and Him only.

Here's to future posts of baby and more funny things.  :)

Oh, and we STILL haven't settled on names yet, so you've got less than 24 hours to make any suggestsions!  :)