A Good Day

A very good day.

Last Friday we had a very full day of appointments - mammogram, ultrasound and MRI.  I learned a few things... a mammogram machine could be considered a modern day torture device...ok, maybe I exaggerate, but I definitely think it was designed by a guy.  :)  An ultrasound of your armpits is soothingly non eventful.  :)  And I may be just a wee bit claustrophobic (note to self, check that box next time!).

By the grace of God the mammogram went as smooth as possible...I won't get into too many details, but considering I was one week into nursing, it could have been way, way worse, but God is so faithful - even in details regarding lactation.  :)

As I was being moved into the MRI machine I started to panic...it came out of nowhere because I had no idea that I would feel so claustrophobic.  I was laying on my tummy, arms stretched out in front, surrounded by some loud noises...imagine a wonder woman pose moving backwards on a conveyer belt. Maybe it was just the newness of it all or the sensory deprivation, but like I said I started feeling panicky.  I almost hit the tap out button, but did something my mother in law said she did during her MRI for her arm.  I just started singing a hymn.  It's a hymn that has been with me for a long time...from our engagement, through deployment, what I sing to the kids at night...I just started singing it over and over again to myself and prayed to get through the next 40 minutes.

"Come Thou fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing thy praise.  Streams of mercy never ceasing, call for songs of loudest praise."

As I came out of the MRI I joked with the techs that I felt like I should be wearing a cape because of the funny pose I was in..... until I almost fell down when I got up because I got super light headed.  But all in all, it is over.  :)

When I came out to the waiting room I found Rich with Raleigh and our surgeon!  He had come and found Rich to give us an update on more test results.

Here's where it gets really good:  based on the mammogram and ultrasound, the cancer has NOT spread.  Yep, yep - one big hurray!  And the 'markers' of my labs came back as HER - (her negative)...between HER negative and positive, negative is a good thing.  Another BIG hurray!  That was all SUCH GREAT NEWS.  And SO encouraging.  It felt good to just rest in the good news.

As I mentioned a few posts back, I also want to keep things real and be as transparent as possible so everyone knows that any strength and encouragement I have comes from God and God only.  I can take zero credit for any goodness.

In the middle of the night when I was feeding Raleigh and the whole house was quiet, a new feeling came over me.  Sadness.  I wasn't mad or afraid.  Just sad.  Because I know that this battle will take a toll.  It will physically take parts of my body in a very real way.  If we do chemo/radiation, it will take a toll on my family and friends.  I will lose moments with the kids, friends, family....and I don't have to mention that Thanksgiving and Christmas are right around the corner.  Will I be curled up in the corner or in my bed with my head covered in a bandana only having the energy to watch my family?  Yes, this battle will not be easy.  And so I had a few moments of sadness.

BUT, God promises to bring beauty from ashes.  He promises to restore the years the locusts have eaten.  In Hebrews 10, I am reminded that Christ, when He died for my sins, made access to God a very real and personal relationship.  And because He has already paved the way, I can  - am supposed to - approach Him with confidence that He hears me.  I can ask and know that He does not shoo me away or ignore me or minimize what I feel.  He hears me and desires my good and His Glory.

Today we meet with the oncologist where we will discuss options regarding chemo.  I am not thrilled.  at all.  I am a bit apprehensive.  But as a dear friend reminded me, (Matthew 6:8) He already knows what we need before we even ask.  That's pretty cool.