Cancer

I have Stage 2 Breast Cancer.

Whew.  It takes a bit of getting used to to say/write that.  My apologies for having to be so blunt, but I don't think there is an 'unblunt' way to say it.

I had a biopsy done last week and we received results a couple days ago that confirmed what doctors initially thought.  It has been a roller coaster of events the past week or two, but getting results and knowing a diagnosis is somewhat of a reprieve from all the unknowns/attempts at planning future events.

I know sometimes it helps to have details to process news like this so here is a rundown....

Let me start by rewinding a bit:  A couple weeks ago I had a routine appointment to check on the baby...nothing was too out of the ordinary except the measurements were slightly small, so my OB referred me for an ultrasound just to be safe.  I also mentioned a lump I had noticed so she put in a referral for that as well.

At my appointment for the baby on Friday, the tech asked if I just wanted to do the scan for the lump as well (that appointment was originally a week later) and of course I said yes since I was already there and had childcare.  After that scan the doc said in his opinion it was likely cancer, but a biopsy would be needed to confirm anything.  At this point, things started moving quickly.  He conferred with my OB and surgeon and everyone agreed that it was best to get baby delivered in order to let me have maximum recovery prior to potential surgery/treatment.  So, 48 hours later, friends rallied with prayer and fasting, childcare, meals, my mother in law booked a flight and we were at the hospital being induced on a Sunday morning.....

You would think we would then come home with a baby in our arms....we did come home with a baby...still inside.  After two rounds of meds my body was contracting, but not responding enough so based on the doctor's opinion (different doctor was on call) we called it off and came home.  I had complications on the last delivery so there was concern regarding pounding my body with another round of meds and we decided to give my body more time to delivery as naturally as possible.

Tuesday afternoon the little girls were napping, my mother in law was resting and I was prepping some food in the kitchen.  That's when I received the phone call with a positive diagnosis of invasive breast cancer.  On Wednesday we had appts with the OB and surgeon and here we are on Thursday, processing through it all.

Praises:
1) The scan, results and meeting with our surgeon has happened about a week faster than we initially thought.  The radiologist requested results to be expedited and the surgeon moved up our appointment from Friday to Wednesday.  If you are like me, once there is a 'likely' diagnosis for something, you just want to know and get the uncertainty/waiting over with.  God has been faithful in the timing of all the events.

2) Even though the induction did not go as anticipated, I know it helped get my body closer to ready for delivery and it was a good warm up for the real deal (I'm still a bit gun shy of labor and birth based on our last experience!).

3) God was SO gracious in the timing of receiving the diagnosis.  The timing could not have been more perfectly orchestrated.  After I was told I had cancer I walked outside for some fresh air, and had the privacy and space I needed to process everything.  I needed the space.  It's how I'm wired.  It would have been so much harder for me to handle it in front of the kids, at the grocery store, school, lessons, etc.  I needed that solitary time.

4) Our appointment with the surgeon could not have gone better (aside from him saying, whoops, we read your results wrong, just kidding, not cancer :)).  He was compassionate yet very professional, taking time to answer all our questions and being very thorough.  Turns out he is also a grad and guess what?  We have mutual friends/acquaintances.  And best of all, he is a believer and his wife was saved in Young Life.  Wow.  My biggest apprehension before meeting with the surgeon was that he would treat me like another number and body waiting to be sliced up...but we felt so comfortable after our meeting.

5) Additional tests need to be done to figure out the best course of treatment:  lumpectomy/masectomy, radiation/chemo, etc.  The main test we need to wait on takes about three weeks to complete so that gives me THREE weeks to nurse.  This is a gift.  I had already been grieving that I would not be able to nurse or have time to bond with baby, but three weeks is more than I had thought.  And my mom was already scheduled to be here the same week I am scheduled for some type of surgery.  God is good.

6) There are so many more praises that I know I'm forgetting, but it is by the sheer grace of God that we haven't unraveled.  :)  Truly, I feel hope and joy and am SO amazed by the mercies that God continues to reveal to us.

All that said, I want to be transparent and not pretend like having cancer is a bed of roses.  So, here are a few of my 'keeping it reals'.

1)  Rich came home after I called him with the diagnosis and he found me curled up on our bed.  That's when I had my hearty I-don't-know-when-I'll-stop-crying-I-can-hardly-catch-my-breath sob.  I haven't been skipping through this - it is scary, it is overwhelming and it's still so surreal.

2)  Most likely I will not be able to nurse for any longer past the surgery.  At least that is what I'm braced for.  Now I don't necessarily LOVE nursing... but I have always appreciated being able to nurse and let my body provide what the baby needs for the first year.  Guilt for not being able to do this lingers.

3)  Between having a baby in the next couple days (if the baby does not come on his/her own today, I am scheduled for induction on Friday) and all the extra tests, exams and future breast surgery of some sort, I feel a bit like a rag doll, exposed.  Not much of my body seems to belong to me at this point.  But then I remember Christ died on the cross, physically abused and exposed with no dignity.  He knows how I feel.

4)  I have to fight the nagging feeling of guilt....for putting my family and friends through this.  For the worry that I know it causes and extra work for all those helping us.  But guilt is not from Him so I am fighting the feelings of guilt with gratitude for an unbelievably supportive community of our family and friends.  It is humbling to know that folks are interceding for us and praying for us.

5) umm...halloween is just around the corner, I don't have kids costumes together yet and bucket loads of sugar will inevitably make it's way into our house.... and most research recommends a sugar free diet for helping fight cancer.  It's kind of like my kryptonite, I guess.  But I need to remember that my kids DON'T have cancer and I can't freak out over every single thing they eat right now.  I am adjusting my diet because I am the one with cancer.  But how I love twix.......

Prayer Requests:  In order to give me maximum recovery time, we are scheduled for induction on Friday, but I would LOVE for the baby to make it's own appearance before then (yep...that's less than 24 hours from now...).  After my last delivery I had a severe hemorrhage and required four transfusions, so my past history with delivery isn't great.... we covet prayers for most importantly a healthy baby and healthy delivery so that I can be ready for future surgery/treatment.

I apologize again that this post was so matter of fact/clinical, but it's the best way I can get the story and facts told.  I know folks have been praying for us fervently and I hope these details help.

God is good.  Our circumstances do not change His nature.  Instead, His goodness and faithfulness gives us Hope and promise through the circumstances.  I hope that makes sense.  He never promised an easy life.  But He has promised over and over again in the bible that He will never leave or forsake us...even if we feel like we are walking through the valley of the shadow of death...He will sustain us.  He is my shield and hears our prayers.

I know the road ahead is going to be long and at times, not pretty, but I know He will never leave me.  All good things comes from Him.  All glory to Him and Him only.

Here's to future posts of baby and more funny things.  :)

Oh, and we STILL haven't settled on names yet, so you've got less than 24 hours to make any suggestsions!  :)