We officially received our lab results yesterday. My doctor called on Monday night with the results and started off by saying my results were 'complicated'. I didn't realize that I had been holding my breath until she said 'but your BRCA1 and 2 (the ones that are directly related to breast cancer) test is negative' and I had tears of such relief, joy and thanks. I felt like a load of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders. Something I haven't shared yet is that I had been feeling really burdened with the possibility of having passed on this gene to my four daughters. I was carrying around some guilt and fear and hearing that my results were negative was such relief. At first my husband thought something was wrong because I was crying, but I was just SO thankful for the negative results. The 'complicated' part is that the test did pick up several mutations that seem rare, but at this time there isn't enough research to know if there is any significance to them. So, for the next 6 months I am in a 'high risk' category, but there isn't much more to it. Praise God. Thank you, Lord, for the negative results.
My surgery date is scheduled for Monday, December 1st. Yep, that's right after the Thanksgiving weekend....let's hope no one on my surgical team goes too heavy on the eggnog. :) The biggest decision we are trying to make right now is what type of surgery to have - geesh, who knew you had SO many options and factors in deciding between a lumpectomy, single mastectomy and double mastectomy! It's a bit overwhelming....to the point that I asked my own 'panel' of advisors for their advice/input. I felt too deep in the details to think through it all clearly with the big picture in mind. After praying, researching, asking a ton of questions, I had two thoughts. 1) - I am praying for a peace regarding our decision...an overwhelming peace. Not that I would necessarily 'like' the decision, but that the right one for us would be clearly revealed through His peace that surpasses all understanding. and 2) One of my biggest fears is looking like 'frankenstein' afterwards. I mean, we're talking about some very personal part of my anatomy. Basically, I will have a form of an amputation and then it is up to a plastic surgeon to recreate what mother nature gave me. There is science involved, but there is also a lot of 'art'. And due to restrictions/policies with the Army, my plastic surgeon doesn't have any pictures of his 'art' for me to see.
Now let me tell you how crazy good God is: I was feeling discouraged about not being able to see any pictures of my plastic surgeon's 'art', but as my surgeon stepped out of the room, the nurse told us how 'good' he is. She said she was really impressed with his skill. That helped a little bit, but not really. Then the Lord reminded me of a friend who had mentioned that she had a procedure done by a plastic surgeon at our same hospital. I texted her and asked some more details and whether she would be willing to tell me the doc's name. She had the same doc I have and said he was great! And she chose him specifically because she was a nurse and used to take care of his patients post op and said he wasn't just a good 'artist' but that he was really good with his patients post op as well. Hello! Isn't God good in how He quiets my fears? And to know that so many events were lined up prior to that day....
I consider rainbow sightings extracool when you live in the desert. :)
I listened to a sermon from an old pastor and was also amazed at how God spoke to my soul. He spoke about a passage from Exodus 17 where the Israelites fight against the Amalekites (and how cool that our current pastor has also been preaching from Exodus!!!!). He talked about how as Christians we are to fight on the outside as if it depended on us, but fight on the inside as if it all depended on God. In other words, fight like crazy with all you've got - your energy, strength and mind, but remember that there is another battle to wage in our souls where it all depends on God. It's not about just one or the other, but both. Because what I've learned is that this cancer threatens to kill and destroy my physical body. And that sucks. (Can we pause for a moment and just own that? Yep, feel free to say it. Cancer sucks.). BUT, more importantly it also wants me to feel sorry for myself, focus on just myself, use it as an excuse to be grouchy with my family, obsess about my diet and use it as license to do basically whatever I want to do. And it's where I know that the prayers of family and friends are fighting on our behalf. We know it and feel the evidence of this battle being waged for us. Please, keep it up! We need your prayers.....this battle has only just begun. I 'enter the ring' in less than 5 days and I will be totally honest and say that I am dreading the day.
And that's where another concept called 'refrigerator friends' comes in. Our former pastor quoted this from another pastor (sorry, I'm totally failing in documenting these quotes, but bottom line - it's not my concept! :)). These are the friends that can come over, feel free to open your fridge, eat your leftovers/make a sandwich and it's not weird! In fact, it's just normal. It's that level of intimacy where they don't wait for you to wave your hands in the air and have to say how overwhelmed you are - they just know. And they step in without having to be asked. They not just want to help, they actually step in and help. These are the friends of life. And as Thanksgiving comes up and I realize just HOW MUCH I have to be thankful for, these 'refrigerator' friends are near the top of my list. The friends that want and are flying in from thousands of miles away to help take care of me and my family. These friends that didn't need me to ask - they just offered. And then they acted....probably because they knew I might never ask (yes, I could be called stubborn:)). And as I think forward through what is to come, I had no idea how much I am looking forward to seeing these soul friends.
I feel like there is so much I forget in each post...., but I am convinced that His Glory is being revealed through my Good. There is much Glory and Good to be had here (even if, can we say it again? cancer sucks.). I know that we will look back on this journey and be in awe of how He worked in every detail. Because none of this battle is in vain. Every part is used for my good and His Glory. And even though I can't explain the 'why' of this journey, I do know that it makes me want Him even more. I don't necessarily want to know more facts. I want to know Him. I want to know Him more as my daddy who says it's okay to take a break from fighting and rest in Him and I want to know Him more as my Lord who fights for me because I am the daughter of THE King.
And so here are our specific prayer requests:
1) during surgery they will biopsy my lymph nodes to determine if the cancer has spread. We are praying for NEGATIVE results!
2) prior to surgery I will have some dye injected into me to see where the first/ 'sentinal' lymph nodes are. I have heard some women say this hurt more than the rest of the procedure and compared it to child birth. And I have to be alone for this process. This occupies my thoughts more than the surgery itself (let's face it, I'll be under for several hours and at the point it will be the most sleep I've had in over a month! :)). Pray for peace and yes, that perhaps my pain tolerance will be at an all time high that day :))
3) for my friends who are putting their families and responsibilities on hold to come help. That their families would be covered and cared for and that their children would see how incredible their mommas are.
4) Again, for my surgical team. That somehow, someway, even in a surgery that might be routine to them, they would see God's Glory (I'm not sure exactly what I'm asking for so I'll leave it at that).
I will try to post one more update before the surgery and at that point will ask my husband to take over since I will probably not be able to type (and he's a much better write than me!).
Happy Thanksgiving of all Thanksgivings to our family and friends. We love you and covet the prayers and support.
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