1) For the first time in three weeks, I was able to put an overhead shirt on. Yep, I know that may seem like small bucks, but considering I've been wearing a very limited wardrobe of button downs/zip ups, it was a big step for this gal. :)
2) For the first time in three weeks, I was able to get in and out of bed by myself! That is HUGE. The first couple nights after the initial surgery I had a hard time falling asleep because I felt so unsettled by the fact that I could not move without help.... becoming more mobile makes it easier to fall asleep.
3) For the first time in three weeks, I was able to lift, feed and hold Raleigh! This is a momma high. :) This pic is where I managed to find a sweet spot where she could rest on my tummy/shoulder and it's pretty darn close to being able to hug her. :) It's a bad 'selfie', but big time progress here!
Now for my little bit of crazy: On Saturday afternoon I took a hard, hard nap and had a really vivid dream where my surgeon had his right hand wrapped up in a bandage and he couldn't do surgery. I half expected to walk into our appointment on Monday and find his hand bandaged up. Why do I mention this at the risk of seeming like a cray cray?
Because when I was given the option of surgery and/or radiation and told that they found more cancer/blah, blah, blah-this-really-stinks-kind of news I really couldn't choose one decision over the other. The absolute only thing that I had to sway me one way or the other was the dream....I told Rich 'I know it's crazy, but maybe that's a sign to avoid surgery this time'.
And when we got home and the kids unloaded out of the van, two of our girls picked up a kettle bell and started playing around with it. Something clicked in my head: I need to get strong. I need to recover. It's time to get back in the fight. No surgery this time.
But the only prayer I kept repeating was 'please, God, please God, please God.' I didn't even know how to articulate what I was praying for, but He knew. One specific prayer was that Rich and I would be in agreement regarding the decision and that my surgeon would agree as well. Beyond that, I didn't have the words for prayer...just a pleading.
And wouldn't you know? We just got off the phone with our surgeon and God has shown us the decision is NO surgery. Luke took a trip down to the lab to review the results himself, did some additional research, contacted a friend who worked at MD Anderson and said he feels comfortable going forward without an additional surgery. What was maybe a 'micron' of clear margins yesterday is now more like 1 to 2 microns. The pre cancerous cells found in other parts of the tissue are actually so small that the lab can't be sure what it is - precancer or just abnormal cells. Unsure enough to call it inconclusive for now. These factors, combined with a recent study adds up to an additional surgery not being necessary (if followed up with radiation). Woohoo!!!! This gal is ready to recover and get strong.
For a few weeks I was knocked off my feet and had my rear handed to me....and God sent an army of reinforcements to love on us and fight for us. It reminds me of the passage in Exodus when Moses is leading the Israelites across the Red Sea.... v. 14 " The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent." Those reinforcements nursed my wounds, helped me wash my hair, get dressed, fed us, cleaned for us and let me cry when I needed to, but also made me laugh to the point my chest hurt. And they let me rest. And now I feel like Moses in v.15 "The Lord said to Moses, 'why do you cry to me? tell the people of Israel to go forward. Lift up your staff and stretch out your hand over the sea and divide it, that the people of Israel may go through the sea on dry ground." I know that God is fighting for me - that He goes before me and is also my rear guard.....and I also believe that this is a multi dimensional fight and I have my part to do.
I've rested and now I need to recover and get strong.
Because this battle is far from over.
But He continues to show Himself to us over and over and over. I absolutely dread chemo and radiation (what we hoped to avoid with surgery), but He keeps reminding me that He is so very real and so very present in our struggles. All for His Glory through our good.
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