A long road....and peace

I was hopeful when we took this pic that it would be the last time I would be in one of these hospital gowns for a long, long time.  After all, it's not exactly my 'style'....a little too thin and not enough closures for my taste!  :)  I like my clothing just a bit more secure......

But after our follow up appointment today, I may have to settle for this outfit once again (on your third round I'm wondering if you get the option for embroidery or something?  or at least choice of colors? or at least a pedicure while you're under?!?!).  Even though the initial 'frozen' (not THAT Frozen!) lab results indicated that we were all 'clear', the final lab results came back less than favorable.  Basically, the pathology report showed a 'micron' of clear margins, less than 1cm, which is the standard for 'clear' margins.  There were also indicators of the presence of microscopic precancerous cells in other parts of the tissue.  So, basically, we don't know what we don't know.  Our options now include more surgery and/or radiation....what we were hoping to avoid from the very beginning.

I honestly had a hard time thinking through our options in the office.... either Rich or Luke asked me which way I was leaning and I honestly had no leaning one way or the other...  what I did think was 'this really stinks' and we just need to pray and see.

The very, very odd thing, though, is that this news shook me less than last time....maybe I'm getting numb to not so great news or just because it is a peace from God....peace not as the world gives, but one that can only be from Him.  Don't get me wrong, I cried and am disappointed and frustrated and wonder if this will ever end.....it feels like the Twilight Zone gone very wrong....but the best I can describe is that my feet are still under me.

So, we come before you again, asking, pleading, for prayers.  Prayers for wisdom regarding further surgery and treatment...decisions that need to be made in the next couple days.  Prayers to specifically guard our hearts and minds.... that I would remember the awesome angel and still expectantly believe in miracles.  Because I've seen it.  God is real and it's what we have been waiting this season to celebrate.  The birth of Christ our Savior who didn't just pat us on the back, blow us a kiss and say 'good luck' with all that earth stuff.... but a Savior who clothed himself in human form to dwell among us.  The same skin as mine...His skin was also torn and bled....and His heart also broken.  So I know that He knows.  Which is the only way I can explain how He gives us peace that surpasses all understanding.  Just like the angels proclaimed at His birth...peace on earth and good will to men.  He means all things for my good and His Glory.

And a wise, wise friend mentioned something to me.....as I'm struggling to find grace in this walk....that maybe this situation IS the grace.  That somehow this battle against cancer (stubborn, it is!) is a grace.... and there's a tiny seed of hope in me that maybe, just maybe it is.  Because only God could take cancer and make it a grace.  God can do the crazy, cool things like that....beauty from ashes and grace from cancer.

Much love from the Hartneys.