"Say So"

I am overdue with a post.  Not overdue because of time, but overdue in the sense of explaining what has been going on re: cancer treatment.  Many folks have asked me 'what are you doing now?' and geesh, that's a loaded question!  :)

So many posts in the past six months included updates and requests for prayers for lab results, surgeries, recovery, figuring out treatment options/places, etc.  And as we have friends spread across the world, a blog was the best way we could update and keep in touch with everyone.

And since then, as the physical drama wound down, I have had this gnawing fear of posting anything else.

This weekend, Jesus kindly placed that fear front and center (in His clear, yet gentle way).

I had the privilege of going with some friends to hear Beth Moore speak in Albuquerque.  w.o.w.  I had no idea what she would be speaking about, but I knew regardless of whatever it was, she always had amazing insight to share.  And I happily drove off with some amazing, sweet friends while my husband held down the fort with 5 kids, 2 dogs and n.i.n.e. CHICKS!  :)

The theme of the weekend was 'generate' from Psalm 78:-1-7.  Beth went on to elaborate and dissect this word in ways that amazed me....it felt like wave upon wave of insight, conviction and encouragement.  I wish I could share every bit of what she shared, but here are the 7 main points she taught with a brief description (it doesn't even scratch the surface of the depth of insight):

1) Good commands the GENERATION to GENERATE - We are to serve our purpose in this generation and we are being strategically placed as living stones for that purpose.
2) To GENERATE we have to COMMUNICATE - Have boldness to tell our story.  To tell of His goodness.  To tell what He did for me.  To tell of the faithfulness of our God.    
3) ELIMINATE what you don't want to GENERATE - Whatever I possess, I will pass on.  If I don't want to pass it on, eliminate it!
4) Learn to APPRECIATE what is yours to GENERATE - Each of us has something to bring to the table that no one else can.  We have significant stories to tell.  It is not about the degree of my story or talent, it's about Him being with me.
5) To GENERATE, get real and DON'T impersonate - BE REAL
6) To GENERATE, EMULATE what the battle takes to dominate - There is a battle raging all around us and we are called to fight the good fight of faith.  *The only way we can lose it to retreat.*  Get your fight on!
7) Live to GENERATE BOLD FAITH in a God too great to exaggerate - Never cease to believe that God can amaze us with wonders.

Again, that doesn't even scratch the surface of what I learned.  But so much of this hit close to home for me.  Like I said before, there is this gnawing fear in me to avoid sharing about our journey.  One of the biggest reasons?  I fear coming across as judgmental regarding our choice of cancer treatment.  I don't claim to have the only right answer - I just know what we have prayed through and been convicted of.  That's it.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Again, our choice of cancer treatment is not meant to condemn or judge anyone else's choice of treatment.  But *sigh*, I know some will feel like that so I am praying big prayers against it.

Here is the biggest-down-right-honest-stick-with-me-reason:  I fear the battle.  I know that when I take a stand for sharing about Christ, I become a target of the one who seeks to destroy.  The enemy does not play around when fighting against our lives.  He fights dirty and goes after those he feels threatened by.  And the pain of the last six months is still real to me.  In the past six months I have faced my own vulnerability and weakness in such a real way that struck a new depth of fear in me.  I learned in that first surgery where things did not go as planned that the prayer vigil on my behalf was a force to be reckoned with in the heavenlies.  I learned that there was an attack on my physical life that completely blindsided me and made me question 'why are you bothering with me, satan???'.  While my blogging silence has been partly due to the busy pace of life, that has also been a very convenient and sweet excuse to 'fly under the radar'.  There is a time to lick your wounds and take a breather to recover (hello, gift of Sabbath!), but for me, I kind of stretched that out into an excuse to lay low and not attract any heat.

BUT, in every attack, God has been faithful.  He has directed our every step.  From the timing of the diagnosis, to our surgeon-now-friend and his family, to my new-cancer-survivor- friend who put me to sleep and helped keep watch over me, to the full court press of friends and family literally serving us and taking care of us (literally washing my feet, washing my hair, draining fluids out of my body through tubes, scrubbing our floors, feeding my baby!), the countless gifts that poured in as physical reminders of how loved we are and oh yeah, the ANGEL.  In every way, He has provided and been faithful.  And the only reason we can stand and say He is GOOD is because of His Grace.  Nothing else.  And by golly, I do NOT want to find myself in heaven some day, face to face with my Savior and have an iota of regret about not having shared more about His Goodness with more people.

Recently, a dear friend wrote me an e-mail where she said she believed in my healing in her heart of hearts.  (This is the same friend who at a specific point in my deployment prayed for me and later learned that the at the same time, in a different house, her mom had also been convicted to pray for me!)  I felt overwhelmed reading those words.  Hearing her speak the words of life over me through her e-mail was powerful.  I knew that she had been praying for me, but to specifically speak words of life over me was an incredible blessing.  

I don't claim that my story is any more significant than others - and I don't even know what good is being accomplished through sharing my journey.  But I do know Psalm 107:2 says "Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom He has redeemed from the hand of the enemy".  

Of course I am great at second guessing myself and talking myself out of fearful things.  God knows this.  So what did He do?  He brought the message AGAIN this morning at church through our pastor, Ricky who taught about reasons to share the gospel.  To share the story of our fellowship and joy with God and one another.  And in that would our joy be complete.  And I pray to always be transparent in all I do - so that you could see right through me and see Him.  It's a joy that can be summed up in the phrase 'I wish you could have been there'.  It was so awesome - I 'wish you could have been there'.  Like The Angel.  I WISH YOU COULD HAVE SEEN THE ANGEL WITH ME.  IT WAS AWESOME.    

So, here is the quick version and explanation of our current cancer treatment.  After speaking with oncologists and getting second opinions, to include MD Anderson, we had one question that we kept asking.  "What do you think caused my cancer?"  This is important to me because I feel like until I understand what caused it, I won't know how to fight it and prevent it from recurring.  Only 1 out of every 10 cases of breast cancer is genetic.  I have no family history of breast cancer.  None of the doctors we spoke with had an answer for how in the world I developed cancer other than that is was 'sporadic'.  That did not sit well with me.  I don't want to merely 'treat' cancer.  I want to get to the root cause.  As I began researching and looking up more information, I discovered what the alternative community of medical professionals think contribute to cancer.  And all of what I read started coming together and for the first time it actually made 'sense' that I developed cancer.  So many factors that make you vulnerable to cancer applied to me.  I had the perfect storm of conditions for developing cancer.  And that is one of the primary reasons that we started down this path of alternative treatment.  And why I am passionate about teaching hands on nutrition classes - to share what I am learning to help prevent anyone else I know from going through the same thing.  But it is not just nutrition.  Nutrition has been the gateway to holistic health and functional medicine.  And a HUGE praise is that I finally found a doctor last week to work with!  She is an M.D. (retired from being an ER doctor) and transitioned into functional medicine.  I spoke with her and she understood everything I told her and came back with even more information!  My first appointment should be this week and she will do a full workup of labs and then we will take it from there.  So, that's about it in a (long winded) nutshell.  :)  

Our holding pattern and unexpected Grace

I was brought to my knees in tears this morning.  I will get to that in a bit.

It's been an oddly 'normal' week.  I finally feel okay enough to work out and try to get some strength back.  I actually took a shower without any help and dried my hair in the same day (woohoo!!!).  I feel good enough to be schlepping the heavy car seat around during errands with two other littles in tow and manage to get back home without missing anyone or anything!  And I keep thinking, 'this is what a normal day is like'.

We've had plumbing repairs and an isolated one time puker and weeds to pull.  Again, I keep thinking 'this is what a normal day is like'.

                                                          Raleigh Mae rockin' her 'do'.  :)

I have texts and phone calls with friends and e-mails and letters that I'm again, behind on.   'This is what a normal day is like.'

Yet, in the back of my mind, there's a part of me that keeps waiting for more bad news.  Once you've been hit with cancer, you realize how vulnerable we are and how often I take my health for granted.  And even though I am at total peace with our alternate treatment plan I keep thinking 'am I going to find another bump tomorrow??'.  

And I confess that I have often wondered out loud 'why God?'  Not a 'why me?'.  But a 'why'.  What is the purpose of my cancer and how can even this be cultivated for Glory.  Because I believe God is intentional.  My cancer isn't a 'whoops'.  It isn't an accident.  God has a purpose for my cancer for His Glory and my good.  And every day I seek that answer.  But I have to learn to submit to the fact that I may not know that answer until I'm on the other side of heaven.  That is a hard gulp.

What do I do in the meantime?  When I'm with a group of acquaintances and someone comments about something being good/bad for cancer.  Do I speak up?  Be that awkward turtle that says "yep, I heard that, too....and oh by the way, I was diagnosed with breast cancer recently?"  Or what about when I see a lady in the store who is trying on scarves to cover her bald head - do I/can I comment and say 'those colors look great on you....and oh by the way, I know firsthand, too that cancer sucks.'

Not that this is the best movie to draw analogies from, but anyone remember the scene from Pretty Woman when Julia Roberts (I can't remember her character's name) has all this cash to go buy clothes, but is frustrated because she can't figure out how to use it/what to do with it????  That's kind of how I feel in my cancer holding pattern.  What do I do with this crazy cancer?  I don't want it to go to waste - it took much from my physically, so I will be darned if I don't use every ounce of this experience for something far greater.  

Always, God is faithful when I seek.  I've been wrestling with this 'normal' holding pattern and what does He show me in His Word?  STEADFAST.  Over and over again.  STEADFAST.

Psalm 92:1 "It is good to give thanks to the Lord, to sing praises to your name, O most High; to declare your steadfast love in the morning, and your faithfulness by night."

Psalm 94:18 " When I thought my foot slips, your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up."

Psalm 89:14 "steadfast love and faithfulness go before you."

Psalm 115:1 "Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness."

Psalm 117:2 "For great is His steadfast love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever."

Psalm 119: 73-80 "your hands have made me and fashioned me; give me understanding that I may learn your commandments.  Those who fear you shall see me and rejoice because I have hoped in your word.  I know, O Lord, that your rules are righteous, and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me.  Let your steadfast love comfort me according to your promise to your servant.  Let your mercy come to me, that I may live."  

A better movie analogy - in a typical battle scene when a group is charging at another, and the camera zooms in on the leader of a group as he tells his men 'steady...steady...' before they charge.

So for now I am learning to take it one day at a time.  To remain steady in the 'normal'.  

But I keep wondering what God is working right now that I will only realize ten years down the road. What seeds are being planted right now that will be harvested in 10, 20, 30 years?

And this is where I found myself in tears on our garage floor.  Just after I snuck in a quick workout and was checking my e-mail on the way in, I saw an update about Kara Tippetts.  

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2015/03/how-to-recover-the-lost-art-of-dying-well-what-kara-tippetts-taught-us/?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_term=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.aholyexperience.com%2F2015%2F03%2Fhow-to-recover-the-lost-art-of-dying-well-what-kara-tippetts-taught-us%2F&utm_content&utm_campaign=A+Holy+Experience+Blog+Posts

I had listened to an interview with her a while back and someone told me about her blog and her battle with breast cancer several months ago.  Since then, I just didn't have the courage to continue reading her story and updates.  Because her story just hits so close to home for me.  Another young mom.  Another cancer diagnosis.  So much of her story just hit too close for me to bear.  I'm somewhat ashamed to say that I just couldn't bear to read her story.  The emotions were just too raw.  I'm ashamed because  while this warrior was giving all Glory to God, here I was, unable to even read.  When her family was going through their toughest trial, I was too weak to read their story.  I prayed when I thought of her, but I didn't want to know more of her story after I heard that she was on respite care.

And that's when the unexpected happened..... I didn't intend to read an update on her.  But there it was in my inbox, and in those few moments between a workout and waking kids for the day, I ended up in tears, sitting on our garage floor.  Crying because my heart just aches for her family.  Crying because her passing on this earth reminds me that this cancer is real and it just hits too close to home.  Crying with some joy that she is free and celebrating in Heaven with God our Father.  Crying because I imagine our Father cupping her face in His hands and saying 'welcome Home, good and faithful servant'.  She died well because she lived well.  And what a Grace of a reminder that is for me.

So I will trust in Him to be steadfast in these 'normal' days.  By His Grace may we learn to live well and die well.

Welcome Home, Kara.  
http://www.mundanefaithfulness.com/home/2015/3/22/homecoming



 

A Success

In case you haven't noticed by now I'm not a very consistent blogger. :)  I don't even think I qualify as a 'blogger' because I lack consistency.... my husband says I am an 'episodic blogger', though.  Yay - I get my own category!

Anyway, nuances aside, I am overdue in an update!  THANK YOU so much for all your prayers.  The surgery went well and I came home the same day, as planned!  Praise God for a 'boring' surgery.  Given the events of the past few months 'boring' is kind of nice right now.  My surgeon was able to remove the 'bumps' and confirm that they were indeed sutures!  Praise God!  And my bleeding was very normal this time around.  It's funny how major life events came make 'boring' and 'normal' seem so attractive.  :)

So all in all, we call this surgery a success!

And that one sentence seems so simple.  Surgery went well and as planned - a success.  But it doesn't do justice to the hours of appointments, scans, consults, phone calls, tears and prayers that led up to the confirmation of new bumps being nothing more than sutures and surgery going smoothly.  In other words, it's so easy to say - 'yep, it all went well' and not give Glory to the one who soothed every fear, caught every tear, heard every prayer on our behalf.   Thank you Lord, that the bumps are NOT cancer and that the surgery went well.  But above that, Thank you Lord, for being the God who is Maker of the universe and at the same time, 'daddy'.

And how appropriate that our pastor gave a sermon about how we define success.  So much of it was spot on and resonated with me, loud and clear.  I would do a terrible job of repeating his message, but I'll do my best to illustrate it through our situation.

One of my very desperate prayers for the past few months has been that I would beat this cancer.  That I would live to hold my grandchildren and perhaps even their children.  I long to see my children grown and their cultivated souls.  What a gift it would be!  And yet, from the beginning, I've known deep down that that is not what will define ultimate success for us.  Beating cancer sure would be totally awesome (or rad as a friend often says :)), but that is not the ultimate measure of success.

Let me put it this way.  I don't want or intend to look back in 40 years and say 'geesh, 2014 was a rough ride for us....that crazy cancer thing'.  I don't want it to be a mere episode of our lives from which we simply move on and forget.  Neither do I intend to let it be our whole life.  Instead, I want to use it.  Use it for His Glory and our Good.  This diagnosis - as crazy and scary as it is - has a bigger purpose.  I can do everything in my ability to beat this thing and then lay it aside or I can choose to use it.  Use it to point back to Him.

And so the question is how do I define success regarding this diagnosis? It's not just my physical healing at stake.  There is kingdom work to be done.  Regarding success, sometimes we think too small.  i.e. just get married, just find a good job, just buy a house, just stinkin' beat cancer!  But God whispers all that time that there is more.  Much more than just our physical here and now.  There are souls to be saved to celebrate and sing with in heaven.

Here's a quote from our pastor "some of the worst circumstances of our lives open the doors for access to the gospel work".  I can attest to that.  The past few months have been by far, the hardest trial of our lives.  And yet, it has opened many many doors to relating with folks in deep, real, meaningful, God-filled, intentional, eternity-worthy relationships.

I don't know if the end of this journey will end in successfully beating cancer ( though I pray HARD for that!); but I do know what success will look like:  If in the end, when all is said and done, we have fought the good fight and used our heart, soul and mind to point others to Him.

So, in the meantime, I am going to start sharing everything I've learned about health and wellness through local classes.  Again, food does not, cannot, will not save you.  Our only Savior is Jesus Christ.  Can I get an Amen???  :)  That said, the human body is intricately designed and I am passionate about sharing how we can be good stewards of our bodies - for His Glory and our good.  The classes are a progress in the making, but I'm trusting God that it is the first step towards success.  :)

One of the perks of currently living in the southwest:  I get to chop 

veggies outside in the sun while watching the kiddos run around.  

       

   

A little of this, A lot of that.

The 'eve' of surgery is beginning to be a familiar feeling...not one that I like, though!  How do I feel right now?  A little of this - jitters, a lot of that - gratitude.

Jitters because this is my third surgery in three months and instead of my pain tolerance getting better, it's getting worse.  Seriously, I find it odd that I am growing more sensitive to pain rather than used to it.  Before I could endure a few sticks/attempts at getting in an IV...now I wince at one little needle.  And things went wrong during the first surgery that no one anticipated.....and it reminds me just how much I am not in control.  At all.

Gratitude because every time the nervousness and anxiety wells up inside me I get constant reminders of the prayers covering us.  Between Scripture, texts, e-mails and phone calls and wonderful surprise packages I'm reminded that we are not forgotten or alone in this.  It keeps me grounded.  Helps me pay attention to the everyday things.....and we have some genuinely sweet and hilarious everyday things around here.

 Gotta love this outfit....her pajamas bottoms, sister's dress, another sister's sweater, brother's rubber band gun, my heels and dad's nutella.  This was a pretty complete outfit in her book.  :)  

SHE POOPED IN THE POTTY!!!!!  

  Sweet Raleigh Mae....still sportin' her faux hawk.  :)  

Friday was a good day for us.....followed by some heartache.  It was good because we received some consensus that these bumps are 'most likely' sutures holding my graft together.  Yay for sutures - I'll take those any day over tumors!  But heartache followed that evening when we found out another dear friend was just diagnosed as well with breast cancer.  Ugh.  It makes me mad.  Makes me furious that another friend has to endure this.  Makes my heart ache because I know the journey they are now following.

And yet, here she is encouraging me in profound ways:  here's a quote from what she wrote and later said again over the phone (referring to God's orchestration of all things ) "...that He would be so kind to allow us to serve Him together with you both years ago for a foundation to serve Him together again in this time."  I've been thinking about that over and over again....

That we get to serve through this trial.

And that's part of my intent through sharing in this blog...to somehow, through His sovereign grace, serve you.  To provide raw honesty and show that the Christian life is not a bed of roses - He never promised that.  But He is Good.  Crazy Good in how He reveals mercy after mercy.  And shows me one of His angels.  Oh, that angel.  Because even though cancer stinks, He is still crazy Good.  

So, I will be at the hospital around 5:30 tomorrow morning...Rich will arrive by 7:30 and surgery should hopefully be around 8:00 or 8:30.  This should be much 'simpler'.  Yay - let's just have a boring 'ol routine surgery, eh?  And we're all proceeding with caution since results on my bleeding disorder are still out.  We have quite the combination of amazing friends watching our kiddos for the day.  Please pray that I can be back home tomorrow evening after a really boring surgery and for our friends who are helping watch our crew.  And can I ask you to specifically lift up my friend - let's just call her 's' for now.  :)  They have a big day tomorrow as well as scans and appt with their surgeon.  

I have no idea how to make this happen, but I pray that somehow what is shared on this blog blesses you.  Because as my friend said, we get to serve through this experience.  All for His Glory through our good.

Amen.    

Just Wait.....

 I apologize in advance that this post is long, but I wanted to include all these details.

What a week it has been....a week ago, I found two more bumps that felt so similar to the original tumor.  It set off a series of phone calls and e-mails with various doctors and clinics trying to get an appointment and exam before the next surgery coming up this Wednesday.

I'll spare you all the details of trying to coordinate between various doctors and offices, but bottom line is we were able to get an appointment with my plastic surgeon on Monday and an ultrasound at an outside clinic on Tuesday.  It was big to get that lined up so quickly.

Leading up to Monday's appointment with my plastic surgeon, "Dr. Z", I lost count of how many times I prayed "Thank you Lord that this is NOT cancer".  Every single time my mind started to stray into the 'what ifs' and I felt the fear creeping in, I just repeated that over and over and over.  I actually lost count in the first 24 hours.  Having that prayer, that anchor, kept me from unraveling all weekend.

This was from my quiet time Monday morning:  I'm not sure it'll make sense to anyone else, but basically, God spoke something very convicting to me:  the 'peace that passes all understanding' is supernatural and also at the same time a discipline.  In other words, I have to anchor my mind in truth, in scripture, which tells us about the peace of God.  And once I root my mind in that truth about the peace and protection of God, the discipline of peace follows.  I'm not sure if that make sense at all to anyone else, but it felt so clear to me that morning...and so I kept repeating that prayer.  Thank you Lord that this is NOT cancer!'.

Once Dr. Z examined me he said he was 'pretty confident' that the bumps were the knots from the suture that are holding my grafts in place.  What a sigh of relief....nothing would be sure until the ultrasound, but I'll take 'pretty confident'!

Next we had the ultrasound at an outside clinic....this is important to mention because when I originally called for an appointment at our regular radiology clinic nothing was available for three weeks.  (Rich sent an e-mail to all the docs involved and explained the situation, but we never heard anything back...it was Friday...I just simply got a phone call from this outside clinic and they set me up with the Tuesday appointment.)

Now comes the fun part.  I was told the ultrasound results would be ready by Thursday.....yesterday.  My quiet time from Thursday morning included Psalm 130:5 "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I hope."  And I read in Hebrews 4 about 'rest'.  My commentary provided this insight:  the 'rest of God' is from a Hebrew verb "shabath"/Sabbath....which means to 'cease, desist, rest'.  I just figured 'yep, got it....wait...which I have been doing and am glad we find out results today!'.  But what a day it was.  I got three phone calls from the regular radiology clinic offering me an earlier appointment...each time I told them 'um.. I already had the ultrasound done two days ago at the outside clinic'.  Then I spent a couple hours trying to track down my images/results.  Someone stood in front of me and physically saw my CD with the images and said I would receive a phone call in a few hours.  By the end of day, after a few more phone calls, it turned out that for some reason no one could find my CD anymore.  Yup, they somehow disappeared.

At this point I just felt like crying.  And I did.  I had been holding my breath while praying the same prayer over and over again and was just so stinkin' frustrated and disappointed that we had no information.  And all this happened about an hour before we were supposed to be at a fundraiser dinner for Young Life.  Quite frankly, I did not want to go.  I just wanted to pull on some pj's and crawl into bed and I kept asking God "why do you want me to wait????"  "why do I have to keep waiting???"  After managing to finally find something to wear (yep...more tears....finding an outfit to fit my post 4 month baby body and 'half finished girls' was a bad combination with the let down of no results), we headed off (also the first time we had a baby sitter put all five kiddos to bed!).

And this is where I heard God whisper in a new way "just wait".  See, it wasn't 'just wait' in the way I try to buy a few more minutes when my kiddos are asking me for a snack (10 minutes after breakfast!) or when I'm trying to stall.  It was a 'just wait and see what I have in store for you' kind of whisper.

Our guest speaker for the banquet was Kevin Sorbo.  He played the professor in God's Not Dead and years ago played Hercules.  He shared a story that totally surprised me.  He's recently written a book about this and apparently what he shared is something that not many folks know...until now.  During his series where he played Hercules, while in his mid 30's he had THREE strokes that completely disabled him.      

What?!?  Hercules had three strokes in his mid-30's???  And now he's here standing in front of us sharing his testimony!  To hear his journey of recovery and to see and hear him share his testimony was unbelievably encouraging to me.  I can't explain why....but it just felt like God saying "See, this is tough, but you're going to get through this...I am for you.  And I will use your struggle for my Glory through your good. "  Geesh.  If Hercules went through three strokes in his mid 30's and God can use it for His Glory then I guess I can have breast cancer in my mid 30's and God will use this, too.  That's a bit short of poetic analogy, but it just resonated with me.

And so finally, today, after more phone calls and searching for my images, they finally found them!!!  And just before the end of the day, my oncologist called with the results.  Based on the images and what Dr. Z said, everyone is fairly confident that these bumps are the sutures holding my grafts in place.  WHEW.  THANK YOU LORD THAT THIS IS NOT CANCER.  I get to use all caps for that!  :)  And get this:  no one knows how I got that ultrasound appointment with the outside clinic!

What I learned about God:  that He is indeed for me.  He works in mysterious ways (how did I get that ultrasound appointment???).  And His ways are not my ways.  Just wait....and see what I have in store for you!

What I learned about myself:  the discipline of peace is far from developed in me....I have a long way to go.  And for now I have to choose His peace.  Even if it means I just keep repeating the same line over and over and over.  And I have to trust Him when He says 'wait'.  I cannot force or make anything happen with enough phone calls or e-mails.  I can 'rest' because He is for me.

So, we are still a 'go' for surgery this Wednesday.  As of now, we're proceeding with caution under the assumption that I have a slight bleeding disorder (still waiting on a few more labs to confirm whether or not I have Von Willenbrand's).  We appreciate prayers for a smooth procedure, confirmation that these bumps are indeed just sutures and no more transfusions.  This lady ain't got time for more drama in the OR!  :)

THANK YOU LORD THAT THIS IS NOT CANCER!

To Feast

My heart is kind of heavy as I write this....I had originally intended to share something that God spoke to my heart earlier today.  Then we had a turn of events.  And I need to share about that.  But I feel led to write about what was originally on my heart first....and I trust that God will connect it all somehow.

For the past couple years I have been wanting to know more about the significance of the number '40' in the bible.  It is used in so many ways - 40 days/years..., anointing, cleansing, wilderness, the flood, temptation, etc.  and of course Lent, too.  And with Lent it's often associated with some form of self denial.... I don't know the history or background of how Lent developed into what many now consider a time of self denial while anticipating Easter.  (anyone have a great study or insight on 40 feel free to let me know! :)).  It reminds me of Adam and Eve in the garden....how they got so distracted with the one thing God told them 'not to do' and lost sight of all that they could do.  It made me think of all the 'things' we often decide to give up for Lent...there's a lot to choose from!  And in contrast to that - the 'not to do's', I was reminded of a verse from a song we sang in church this weekend.... a 'to do'.

To Feast on His Grace.  I don't remember the name of the song or any of the other lyrics, but that line convicted me.  Scripture reminds us that His mercies are new every morning.  Every single morning, they are made new for us.  A whole new, undepletable (I may have just made that word up) vat of mercies.  And so we get to feast.  Feast on His Grace.  Because it won't run out on us.  We don't have to ration His Grace.  We don't have to budget His Grace for fear that tomorrow there won't be enough left.  We don't have to save up and 'hoard' His Grace just in case we stumble too bad and incur more debt than there is Grace.

I don't have to keep a reserve of Grace.  We are meant to feast on His Grace - and in that way come to know Him better, more intimately.  So, I can hold my tongue and tone with the kids when my head hurts from the ruckus because Grace is available.  I can refrain from using that condescending tone and instead draw on His deep well of Grace.  I can keep my mind from the judgemental thoughts because the Feast of His Grace has been laid before me.  So, during this Lent, I don't have to concentrate only on what 'not to do/eat/say/eat/use'....I can also learn to Feast on His Grace.

And I believe that somewhere deep this was laid on my heart this morning because He knew what my afternoon would hold.

I found another bump.  Through a random brushing of my fingers I felt a small bump.  In my heart and mind I am screaming "there is NO way.  just NO way.  Just NO way this can be another tumor".  It is on the left side which they biopsied as well after surgery and found no cancerous cells.  And all the tissue was removed.  Yet I can't deny that the bump feels too much the same as the original tumor.

It's ironic:  we had an appointment with my plastic surgeon earlier this week and unexpectedly set a for another surgery in two weeks (it's earlier than we had anticipated because he is retiring and we wanted to find a way for him to do the surgery to stay with a consistent team...and oh yeah, because I am a bleeder).   I was meaning to write an update on that because I just feel so weary of surgeries.  And I'm having tests done to see if I have a bleeding disorder since I required so many transfusions last time.   Who knew all of that would seem minor compared to finding another bump.

My fear seems almost bigger this time.  Because I know everything that another tumor would entail.  Knowing is worse in this case.  And when a tumor comes back a second time it's usually not milder...and it means it would have spread quickly.  Too quickly.  Even if we had decided to start chemo, that would have only been last week.  Now we have to wait to hear back from my doctor to get the ball rolling on figuring out what this bump is.

My warrior friends remind me of His promises.  His Hope. The 'sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain.'  (Hebrews 6:19)  And again, a gentle reminder to pick up my courage.  To "be strong and courageous...for it is the Lord your God who goes with you.  He will not leave you or forsake you. '   (Deuteronomy 31:6)

So I am making a brave choice.  One that forces me to feast on His Grace.  This is scary for me.  This makes me feel so vulnerable.  Because I don't know the outcome.  But here goes:  I will not only pray that this is not another cancer.  I am vulnerably/awkwardly praying with expectation.  Praying with thanks that He will answer our prayer that this is not cancer that has spread.  Every time the fear mounts, I will utter words of thanks for allowing this bump to be something other than cancer.  For His Grace is more than enough.

Will you Feast on His Grace with me?            

Door A or B

"seriously?"  I asked the lab tech if that was really how much blood she needed to take.... it must have seemed like a lot to her, too, or maybe just to appease me, she asked her supervisor if she had to fill all those tubes.  Yup.  All 12 tubes need to be filled!

I know there are some who wouldn't think twice of that much blood being drawn, but whew, that surprised me....

And we were surprised again during our trip last week to MD Anderson.

I was a bundle of nerves....we were going to see the experts on cancer...but so many folks told us about their amazing experiences at MD Anderson so in the back of my mind I expected that we would walk out with a sense of peace.

My deep-down-gut-honest prayer from the beginning has been that I don't have to like our treatment options, I just need a peace about it.  It's how we wrestled through options regarding surgery... lumpectomy, mastectomy, bilateral mastectomy.... not easy questions and in the end I can fully say that I did NOT like having a bilateral mastectomy, but God gave us 100% peace about it.  I don't think one decision over the other is right or wrong...it was/is all about seeking His wisdom regarding our decisions.

And in the same way, we have been praying over our treatment options.  A third surgery, chemo, chemo + radiation.... I have asked God that if it was possible, remove chemo and radiation from our path, but if it is the way to go then I just asked for a peace about it.  And that is what MD Anderson was about.  We went to the experts and I anticipated walking out of there at peace about chemo and coming home ready to get the ball rollin'.

Oddly, we walked out after our first morning less convinced than when we walked in regarding the chemo route.  Yup.  I say odd because we had such different expectations and came away with the opposite.   Rich and I actually looked at each other and said 'did we miss something???'  It was so odd.  I still think it was a really odd experience because I anticipated such the opposite.  Again, it was ODD.  

I won't go into all the details regarding our 'odd' experience....this is not a critique of the facility by any means (they actually have a fantastic learning resources library filled with books on cancer that you can check out and return via a prepaid envelope!  Yay for not having to search and search through books to find the right ones - they were all there!  Including medical/research articles that the lady copied for us!).  We did gain some more information regarding statistics, second opinion on pathology, etc.  But in the end, it all added up to a very odd-wow-I'm-not-too-convinced-about-chemo experience.

Can I be clear here in stating that I wanted to be convinced?  I wanted a peace about it.  In some ways, chemo is simpler and a bit more straightforward.  I'm not saying it's a walk in the park...at all... just that the path is laid out for you and you have someone guiding you through the process and everyone pretty much approves.  For the most part, there is a beginning and end.  Again, I am not saying chemo is easier... it  just seems more straightforward to me.  As you guessed by now, going the alternate route has a lot more uncertainty....and disapproval.

God surely convicted my heart this morning.  I still find it a bit surreal that we walked out of MD Anderson without the sense of peace that we had anticipated (and even hoped/prayed for).... and I have been too nervous to tell folks that we are pursuing an aggressive alternate route.  Because.  I fear you.  Yup you.  Your disapproval.  There I said it.... I fear disapproval from everyone around me who will think we're absolutely nuts and will basically count down the time til they can say 'see, didn't work out for 'ya, did it?'  And God gave me a big gut check.  Who do I fear most?  Man or God?  And apparently, I may not have my priorities in order.  The support of our family and friends has been AMAZING.  Absolutely AMAZING.  And I do fear losing support and credibility and the criticism that may follow this post.  But above all, I am reminded that God is for us.  And if He is for us, who can be against us?  :)

And because He is for us, He will not let us choose the wrong path.  WHEW.  When I remember that, I am able to breathe a bit more deeply.  He promises us.  In the same way that I'll let my kids explore and learn a new skill while I keep a close eye on them, ready to redirect if need be.  I would never willingly let my kiddos choose a harmful path.  And golly, He loves us more than I love my kids.  That's a biiiiiig , righteous kind of love.

Psalm 31: 3  "for you are my rock and fortress; and for your name's sake you lead me and guide me;"

Psalm 31: 14 "but I trust in You, O Lord, I say You are my God, my times are in your hand."

Isaiah 30:21 "And you ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, 'this is the way, walk in it', when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left."  

And in the midst of the cancer battle, I am asking for prayer again...for wisdom beyond our years.  Though this battle may seem like the priority for the time being, I know that there may be seemingly smaller, simultaneous and subtle fights to be on guard against.  When you fight a big campaign, often you leave another area vulnerable....  and that comes in many different forms:  letting fear creep in and get a hold, insecurity, self righteousness, pride, etc...I have lots I can add to the list!

If someone had asked me from the beginning which would you rather choose? Door A - it includes a pretty good understanding of God/relationship with Him and no cancer.  or Door B - it includes an deeper, richer understanding of God ..but also includes cancer (to make it better I'll throw in an angel for you :)).  To be very honest and transparent - I would have chosen Door A.  Yup - safe.

I think there will be many turns, twists and curves in this journey.  And who knows, maybe choosing an aggressive alternate route is the way God is leading me to chemo.  I just don't know.  We can only trust as He reveals one step after another.  And I know that the end result is already secured.  It's the journey to the end that we are walking in faith...frightening faith!  We'll look back someday and see an amazing path that He carved out for us.  Until then, just one step at a time.