My heart is kind of heavy as I write this....I had originally intended to share something that God spoke to my heart earlier today. Then we had a turn of events. And I need to share about that. But I feel led to write about what was originally on my heart first....and I trust that God will connect it all somehow.
For the past couple years I have been wanting to know more about the significance of the number '40' in the bible. It is used in so many ways - 40 days/years..., anointing, cleansing, wilderness, the flood, temptation, etc. and of course Lent, too. And with Lent it's often associated with some form of self denial.... I don't know the history or background of how Lent developed into what many now consider a time of self denial while anticipating Easter. (anyone have a great study or insight on 40 feel free to let me know! :)). It reminds me of Adam and Eve in the garden....how they got so distracted with the one thing God told them 'not to do' and lost sight of all that they could do. It made me think of all the 'things' we often decide to give up for Lent...there's a lot to choose from! And in contrast to that - the 'not to do's', I was reminded of a verse from a song we sang in church this weekend.... a 'to do'.
To Feast on His Grace. I don't remember the name of the song or any of the other lyrics, but that line convicted me. Scripture reminds us that His mercies are new every morning. Every single morning, they are made new for us. A whole new, undepletable (I may have just made that word up) vat of mercies. And so we get to feast. Feast on His Grace. Because it won't run out on us. We don't have to ration His Grace. We don't have to budget His Grace for fear that tomorrow there won't be enough left. We don't have to save up and 'hoard' His Grace just in case we stumble too bad and incur more debt than there is Grace.
I don't have to keep a reserve of Grace. We are meant to feast on His Grace - and in that way come to know Him better, more intimately. So, I can hold my tongue and tone with the kids when my head hurts from the ruckus because Grace is available. I can refrain from using that condescending tone and instead draw on His deep well of Grace. I can keep my mind from the judgemental thoughts because the Feast of His Grace has been laid before me. So, during this Lent, I don't have to concentrate only on what 'not to do/eat/say/eat/use'....I can also learn to Feast on His Grace.
And I believe that somewhere deep this was laid on my heart this morning because He knew what my afternoon would hold.
I found another bump. Through a random brushing of my fingers I felt a small bump. In my heart and mind I am screaming "there is NO way. just NO way. Just NO way this can be another tumor". It is on the left side which they biopsied as well after surgery and found no cancerous cells. And all the tissue was removed. Yet I can't deny that the bump feels too much the same as the original tumor.
It's ironic: we had an appointment with my plastic surgeon earlier this week and unexpectedly set a for another surgery in two weeks (it's earlier than we had anticipated because he is retiring and we wanted to find a way for him to do the surgery to stay with a consistent team...and oh yeah, because I am a bleeder). I was meaning to write an update on that because I just feel so weary of surgeries. And I'm having tests done to see if I have a bleeding disorder since I required so many transfusions last time. Who knew all of that would seem minor compared to finding another bump.
My fear seems almost bigger this time. Because I know everything that another tumor would entail. Knowing is worse in this case. And when a tumor comes back a second time it's usually not milder...and it means it would have spread quickly. Too quickly. Even if we had decided to start chemo, that would have only been last week. Now we have to wait to hear back from my doctor to get the ball rolling on figuring out what this bump is.
My warrior friends remind me of His promises. His Hope. The 'sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain.' (Hebrews 6:19) And again, a gentle reminder to pick up my courage. To "be strong and courageous...for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. ' (Deuteronomy 31:6)
So I am making a brave choice. One that forces me to feast on His Grace. This is scary for me. This makes me feel so vulnerable. Because I don't know the outcome. But here goes: I will not only pray that this is not another cancer. I am vulnerably/awkwardly praying with expectation. Praying with thanks that He will answer our prayer that this is not cancer that has spread. Every time the fear mounts, I will utter words of thanks for allowing this bump to be something other than cancer. For His Grace is more than enough.
Will you Feast on His Grace with me?
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