"seriously?" I asked the lab tech if that was really how much blood she needed to take.... it must have seemed like a lot to her, too, or maybe just to appease me, she asked her supervisor if she had to fill all those tubes. Yup. All 12 tubes need to be filled!
I know there are some who wouldn't think twice of that much blood being drawn, but whew, that surprised me....
And we were surprised again during our trip last week to MD Anderson.
I was a bundle of nerves....we were going to see the experts on cancer...but so many folks told us about their amazing experiences at MD Anderson so in the back of my mind I expected that we would walk out with a sense of peace.
My deep-down-gut-honest prayer from the beginning has been that I don't have to like our treatment options, I just need a peace about it. It's how we wrestled through options regarding surgery... lumpectomy, mastectomy, bilateral mastectomy.... not easy questions and in the end I can fully say that I did NOT like having a bilateral mastectomy, but God gave us 100% peace about it. I don't think one decision over the other is right or wrong...it was/is all about seeking His wisdom regarding our decisions.
And in the same way, we have been praying over our treatment options. A third surgery, chemo, chemo + radiation.... I have asked God that if it was possible, remove chemo and radiation from our path, but if it is the way to go then I just asked for a peace about it. And that is what MD Anderson was about. We went to the experts and I anticipated walking out of there at peace about chemo and coming home ready to get the ball rollin'.
Oddly, we walked out after our first morning less convinced than when we walked in regarding the chemo route. Yup. I say odd because we had such different expectations and came away with the opposite. Rich and I actually looked at each other and said 'did we miss something???' It was so odd. I still think it was a really odd experience because I anticipated such the opposite. Again, it was ODD.
I won't go into all the details regarding our 'odd' experience....this is not a critique of the facility by any means (they actually have a fantastic learning resources library filled with books on cancer that you can check out and return via a prepaid envelope! Yay for not having to search and search through books to find the right ones - they were all there! Including medical/research articles that the lady copied for us!). We did gain some more information regarding statistics, second opinion on pathology, etc. But in the end, it all added up to a very odd-wow-I'm-not-too-convinced-about-chemo experience.
Can I be clear here in stating that I wanted to be convinced? I wanted a peace about it. In some ways, chemo is simpler and a bit more straightforward. I'm not saying it's a walk in the park...at all... just that the path is laid out for you and you have someone guiding you through the process and everyone pretty much approves. For the most part, there is a beginning and end. Again, I am not saying chemo is easier... it just seems more straightforward to me. As you guessed by now, going the alternate route has a lot more uncertainty....and disapproval.
God surely convicted my heart this morning. I still find it a bit surreal that we walked out of MD Anderson without the sense of peace that we had anticipated (and even hoped/prayed for).... and I have been too nervous to tell folks that we are pursuing an aggressive alternate route. Because. I fear you. Yup you. Your disapproval. There I said it.... I fear disapproval from everyone around me who will think we're absolutely nuts and will basically count down the time til they can say 'see, didn't work out for 'ya, did it?' And God gave me a big gut check. Who do I fear most? Man or God? And apparently, I may not have my priorities in order. The support of our family and friends has been AMAZING. Absolutely AMAZING. And I do fear losing support and credibility and the criticism that may follow this post. But above all, I am reminded that God is for us. And if He is for us, who can be against us? :)
And because He is for us, He will not let us choose the wrong path. WHEW. When I remember that, I am able to breathe a bit more deeply. He promises us. In the same way that I'll let my kids explore and learn a new skill while I keep a close eye on them, ready to redirect if need be. I would never willingly let my kiddos choose a harmful path. And golly, He loves us more than I love my kids. That's a biiiiiig , righteous kind of love.
Psalm 31: 3 "for you are my rock and fortress; and for your name's sake you lead me and guide me;"
Psalm 31: 14 "but I trust in You, O Lord, I say You are my God, my times are in your hand."
Isaiah 30:21 "And you ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, 'this is the way, walk in it', when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left."
And in the midst of the cancer battle, I am asking for prayer again...for wisdom beyond our years. Though this battle may seem like the priority for the time being, I know that there may be seemingly smaller, simultaneous and subtle fights to be on guard against. When you fight a big campaign, often you leave another area vulnerable.... and that comes in many different forms: letting fear creep in and get a hold, insecurity, self righteousness, pride, etc...I have lots I can add to the list!
If someone had asked me from the beginning which would you rather choose? Door A - it includes a pretty good understanding of God/relationship with Him and no cancer. or Door B - it includes an deeper, richer understanding of God ..but also includes cancer (to make it better I'll throw in an angel for you :)). To be very honest and transparent - I would have chosen Door A. Yup - safe.
I think there will be many turns, twists and curves in this journey. And who knows, maybe choosing an aggressive alternate route is the way God is leading me to chemo. I just don't know. We can only trust as He reveals one step after another. And I know that the end result is already secured. It's the journey to the end that we are walking in faith...frightening faith! We'll look back someday and see an amazing path that He carved out for us. Until then, just one step at a time.
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