Raleigh's Day & Leaning In

I really should know better than to think I know what a week will look like....as we were driving back home Monday afternoon, I actually said 'well, this should be a fairly low key week with no major commitments.'  Which was so nice after a string of a couple high tempo weeks.  And of course that's when I received a call from the hospital letting us know they had an opening for us on Wednesday afternoon to have Raleigh's procedure done.   (In hindsight, what a blessing - I truly did not have any commitments on Wednesday or Thursday...God's timing is perfect, right?)

But that threw me into high drive to line up child care (we'll spend a night with Raleigh in the PICU), unpack, get the house organized and set up (did I mention we were just driving back in town....oy!). Given less than 48 hours notice has been a blessing, though, because I just simply don't have time to dwell on Raleigh's procedure.

I keep trying to think of things to distract me from the anticipation and while we are in the waiting room....  books, magazines, music, on line shopping, research, etc.....  you get the idea:  LOTS of things to distract me from knowing that my daughter's heart is being worked on.  (Our doctor reassured as that of all the heart issues you could have, this would be his choice...it's the easiest to fix, in other words....but anything to do with your baby and her heart is not going to sit well.)

But God, in His gentle grace spoke something to me this morning.  Perhaps I am not meant to keep distracting myself.  Perhaps, this is where I am supposed to lean in to Him.  To let Him know how queasy my stomach feels, how my own heart is caught in my throat and beating faster than it should, how my mind is racing through all the possible tragic scenarios, how vulnerable I feel to have no control (though any control is an illusion, anyway), how I know no amount of perfect nutrition could heal her heart, how I hate that there will be something artificial in her for the rest of her life, how I feel a tiny bit upset that we have to deal with this (raw honesty), but how thankful I am we found the issue, how I hate having to face my PTSD-like feelings of being back in the hospital, and overall, how just stinkin' worried my momma heart is.

By default I have been an avoider most of my life.... avoiding uncomfortable feelings and putting on a smile and shoving those tough feelings deep down somewhere....but God is calling me out of that suffocating space.  He is calling me into a space that is broad, wide, secure.  He is big enough for my feelings and He has something in exchange for me.  His peace.  His faithfulness.  His steadfastness. Simply, He offers Himself.  

Here's where I invite you in:  to pray for us...that we would have a 'normal' procedure. Of course.  But I will be talking to God a lot today, so meet me there by letting me know how I can pray for you.  Seriously, when else have I/do I/will I have several hours carved out of my afternoon to just pray?  Send me prayers, please, and I would love to pray for you while I tell God all about my heart.

* the deets:  We will leave our home at 1:00 p.m., check into hospital by 2:00 p.m., register and pre op until her scheduled procedure at 4:00 p.m..  She should be under for 3 hours, and then we hope to spend just one night with her in the PICU.   We hope to be back home by Thursday afternoon.  

I LOVE all the sketches the docs have provided for us.  This helps me understand what they'll be doing to Raleigh to make her heart 'all better'.

Is that not the tiniest, cutest blood pressure cuff?  

The sketch of what the doc will be doing.....  using a vein (left arrow) to thread in a tiny plug to block a valve/duct that is open and is allowing to much blood to flow back into her heart and putting stress on her left ventricle and increasing risk of future infections.  The artery (lower right side, wishbone shaped) will be accessed in case they need to use it to help place the plug.  Easy peasy, right?????