It's been an oddly 'normal' week. I finally feel okay enough to work out and try to get some strength back. I actually took a shower without any help and dried my hair in the same day (woohoo!!!). I feel good enough to be schlepping the heavy car seat around during errands with two other littles in tow and manage to get back home without missing anyone or anything! And I keep thinking, 'this is what a normal day is like'.
We've had plumbing repairs and an isolated one time puker and weeds to pull. Again, I keep thinking 'this is what a normal day is like'.
I have texts and phone calls with friends and e-mails and letters that I'm again, behind on. 'This is what a normal day is like.'
Yet, in the back of my mind, there's a part of me that keeps waiting for more bad news. Once you've been hit with cancer, you realize how vulnerable we are and how often I take my health for granted. And even though I am at total peace with our alternate treatment plan I keep thinking 'am I going to find another bump tomorrow??'.
And I confess that I have often wondered out loud 'why God?' Not a 'why me?'. But a 'why'. What is the purpose of my cancer and how can even this be cultivated for Glory. Because I believe God is intentional. My cancer isn't a 'whoops'. It isn't an accident. God has a purpose for my cancer for His Glory and my good. And every day I seek that answer. But I have to learn to submit to the fact that I may not know that answer until I'm on the other side of heaven. That is a hard gulp.
What do I do in the meantime? When I'm with a group of acquaintances and someone comments about something being good/bad for cancer. Do I speak up? Be that awkward turtle that says "yep, I heard that, too....and oh by the way, I was diagnosed with breast cancer recently?" Or what about when I see a lady in the store who is trying on scarves to cover her bald head - do I/can I comment and say 'those colors look great on you....and oh by the way, I know firsthand, too that cancer sucks.'
Not that this is the best movie to draw analogies from, but anyone remember the scene from Pretty Woman when Julia Roberts (I can't remember her character's name) has all this cash to go buy clothes, but is frustrated because she can't figure out how to use it/what to do with it???? That's kind of how I feel in my cancer holding pattern. What do I do with this crazy cancer? I don't want it to go to waste - it took much from my physically, so I will be darned if I don't use every ounce of this experience for something far greater.
Always, God is faithful when I seek. I've been wrestling with this 'normal' holding pattern and what does He show me in His Word? STEADFAST. Over and over again. STEADFAST.
Psalm 92:1 "It is good to give thanks to the Lord, to sing praises to your name, O most High; to declare your steadfast love in the morning, and your faithfulness by night."
Psalm 94:18 " When I thought my foot slips, your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up."
Psalm 89:14 "steadfast love and faithfulness go before you."
Psalm 115:1 "Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness."
Psalm 117:2 "For great is His steadfast love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever."
Psalm 119: 73-80 "your hands have made me and fashioned me; give me understanding that I may learn your commandments. Those who fear you shall see me and rejoice because I have hoped in your word. I know, O Lord, that your rules are righteous, and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me. Let your steadfast love comfort me according to your promise to your servant. Let your mercy come to me, that I may live."
A better movie analogy - in a typical battle scene when a group is charging at another, and the camera zooms in on the leader of a group as he tells his men 'steady...steady...' before they charge.
So for now I am learning to take it one day at a time. To remain steady in the 'normal'.
But I keep wondering what God is working right now that I will only realize ten years down the road. What seeds are being planted right now that will be harvested in 10, 20, 30 years?
And this is where I found myself in tears on our garage floor. Just after I snuck in a quick workout and was checking my e-mail on the way in, I saw an update about Kara Tippetts.
http://www.aholyexperience.com/2015/03/how-to-recover-the-lost-art-of-dying-well-what-kara-tippetts-taught-us/?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_term=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.aholyexperience.com%2F2015%2F03%2Fhow-to-recover-the-lost-art-of-dying-well-what-kara-tippetts-taught-us%2F&utm_content&utm_campaign=A+Holy+Experience+Blog+Posts
I had listened to an interview with her a while back and someone told me about her blog and her battle with breast cancer several months ago. Since then, I just didn't have the courage to continue reading her story and updates. Because her story just hits so close to home for me. Another young mom. Another cancer diagnosis. So much of her story just hit too close for me to bear. I'm somewhat ashamed to say that I just couldn't bear to read her story. The emotions were just too raw. I'm ashamed because while this warrior was giving all Glory to God, here I was, unable to even read. When her family was going through their toughest trial, I was too weak to read their story. I prayed when I thought of her, but I didn't want to know more of her story after I heard that she was on respite care.
And that's when the unexpected happened..... I didn't intend to read an update on her. But there it was in my inbox, and in those few moments between a workout and waking kids for the day, I ended up in tears, sitting on our garage floor. Crying because my heart just aches for her family. Crying because her passing on this earth reminds me that this cancer is real and it just hits too close to home. Crying with some joy that she is free and celebrating in Heaven with God our Father. Crying because I imagine our Father cupping her face in His hands and saying 'welcome Home, good and faithful servant'. She died well because she lived well. And what a Grace of a reminder that is for me.
So I will trust in Him to be steadfast in these 'normal' days. By His Grace may we learn to live well and die well.
Welcome Home, Kara.
http://www.mundanefaithfulness.com/home/2015/3/22/homecoming
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