So many posts in the past six months included updates and requests for prayers for lab results, surgeries, recovery, figuring out treatment options/places, etc. And as we have friends spread across the world, a blog was the best way we could update and keep in touch with everyone.
And since then, as the physical drama wound down, I have had this gnawing fear of posting anything else.
This weekend, Jesus kindly placed that fear front and center (in His clear, yet gentle way).
I had the privilege of going with some friends to hear Beth Moore speak in Albuquerque. w.o.w. I had no idea what she would be speaking about, but I knew regardless of whatever it was, she always had amazing insight to share. And I happily drove off with some amazing, sweet friends while my husband held down the fort with 5 kids, 2 dogs and n.i.n.e. CHICKS! :)
The theme of the weekend was 'generate' from Psalm 78:-1-7. Beth went on to elaborate and dissect this word in ways that amazed me....it felt like wave upon wave of insight, conviction and encouragement. I wish I could share every bit of what she shared, but here are the 7 main points she taught with a brief description (it doesn't even scratch the surface of the depth of insight):
1) Good commands the GENERATION to GENERATE - We are to serve our purpose in this generation and we are being strategically placed as living stones for that purpose.
2) To GENERATE we have to COMMUNICATE - Have boldness to tell our story. To tell of His goodness. To tell what He did for me. To tell of the faithfulness of our God.
3) ELIMINATE what you don't want to GENERATE - Whatever I possess, I will pass on. If I don't want to pass it on, eliminate it!
4) Learn to APPRECIATE what is yours to GENERATE - Each of us has something to bring to the table that no one else can. We have significant stories to tell. It is not about the degree of my story or talent, it's about Him being with me.
5) To GENERATE, get real and DON'T impersonate - BE REAL
6) To GENERATE, EMULATE what the battle takes to dominate - There is a battle raging all around us and we are called to fight the good fight of faith. *The only way we can lose it to retreat.* Get your fight on!
7) Live to GENERATE BOLD FAITH in a God too great to exaggerate - Never cease to believe that God can amaze us with wonders.
Again, that doesn't even scratch the surface of what I learned. But so much of this hit close to home for me. Like I said before, there is this gnawing fear in me to avoid sharing about our journey. One of the biggest reasons? I fear coming across as judgmental regarding our choice of cancer treatment. I don't claim to have the only right answer - I just know what we have prayed through and been convicted of. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. Again, our choice of cancer treatment is not meant to condemn or judge anyone else's choice of treatment. But *sigh*, I know some will feel like that so I am praying big prayers against it.
Here is the biggest-down-right-honest-stick-with-me-reason: I fear the battle. I know that when I take a stand for sharing about Christ, I become a target of the one who seeks to destroy. The enemy does not play around when fighting against our lives. He fights dirty and goes after those he feels threatened by. And the pain of the last six months is still real to me. In the past six months I have faced my own vulnerability and weakness in such a real way that struck a new depth of fear in me. I learned in that first surgery where things did not go as planned that the prayer vigil on my behalf was a force to be reckoned with in the heavenlies. I learned that there was an attack on my physical life that completely blindsided me and made me question 'why are you bothering with me, satan???'. While my blogging silence has been partly due to the busy pace of life, that has also been a very convenient and sweet excuse to 'fly under the radar'. There is a time to lick your wounds and take a breather to recover (hello, gift of Sabbath!), but for me, I kind of stretched that out into an excuse to lay low and not attract any heat.
BUT, in every attack, God has been faithful. He has directed our every step. From the timing of the diagnosis, to our surgeon-now-friend and his family, to my new-cancer-survivor- friend who put me to sleep and helped keep watch over me, to the full court press of friends and family literally serving us and taking care of us (literally washing my feet, washing my hair, draining fluids out of my body through tubes, scrubbing our floors, feeding my baby!), the countless gifts that poured in as physical reminders of how loved we are and oh yeah, the ANGEL. In every way, He has provided and been faithful. And the only reason we can stand and say He is GOOD is because of His Grace. Nothing else. And by golly, I do NOT want to find myself in heaven some day, face to face with my Savior and have an iota of regret about not having shared more about His Goodness with more people.
Recently, a dear friend wrote me an e-mail where she said she believed in my healing in her heart of hearts. (This is the same friend who at a specific point in my deployment prayed for me and later learned that the at the same time, in a different house, her mom had also been convicted to pray for me!) I felt overwhelmed reading those words. Hearing her speak the words of life over me through her e-mail was powerful. I knew that she had been praying for me, but to specifically speak words of life over me was an incredible blessing.
I don't claim that my story is any more significant than others - and I don't even know what good is being accomplished through sharing my journey. But I do know Psalm 107:2 says "Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom He has redeemed from the hand of the enemy".
Of course I am great at second guessing myself and talking myself out of fearful things. God knows this. So what did He do? He brought the message AGAIN this morning at church through our pastor, Ricky who taught about reasons to share the gospel. To share the story of our fellowship and joy with God and one another. And in that would our joy be complete. And I pray to always be transparent in all I do - so that you could see right through me and see Him. It's a joy that can be summed up in the phrase 'I wish you could have been there'. It was so awesome - I 'wish you could have been there'. Like The Angel. I WISH YOU COULD HAVE SEEN THE ANGEL WITH ME. IT WAS AWESOME.
So, here is the quick version and explanation of our current cancer treatment. After speaking with oncologists and getting second opinions, to include MD Anderson, we had one question that we kept asking. "What do you think caused my cancer?" This is important to me because I feel like until I understand what caused it, I won't know how to fight it and prevent it from recurring. Only 1 out of every 10 cases of breast cancer is genetic. I have no family history of breast cancer. None of the doctors we spoke with had an answer for how in the world I developed cancer other than that is was 'sporadic'. That did not sit well with me. I don't want to merely 'treat' cancer. I want to get to the root cause. As I began researching and looking up more information, I discovered what the alternative community of medical professionals think contribute to cancer. And all of what I read started coming together and for the first time it actually made 'sense' that I developed cancer. So many factors that make you vulnerable to cancer applied to me. I had the perfect storm of conditions for developing cancer. And that is one of the primary reasons that we started down this path of alternative treatment. And why I am passionate about teaching hands on nutrition classes - to share what I am learning to help prevent anyone else I know from going through the same thing. But it is not just nutrition. Nutrition has been the gateway to holistic health and functional medicine. And a HUGE praise is that I finally found a doctor last week to work with! She is an M.D. (retired from being an ER doctor) and transitioned into functional medicine. I spoke with her and she understood everything I told her and came back with even more information! My first appointment should be this week and she will do a full workup of labs and then we will take it from there. So, that's about it in a (long winded) nutshell. :)
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