What a week it has been....a week ago, I found two more bumps that felt so similar to the original tumor. It set off a series of phone calls and e-mails with various doctors and clinics trying to get an appointment and exam before the next surgery coming up this Wednesday.
I'll spare you all the details of trying to coordinate between various doctors and offices, but bottom line is we were able to get an appointment with my plastic surgeon on Monday and an ultrasound at an outside clinic on Tuesday. It was big to get that lined up so quickly.
Leading up to Monday's appointment with my plastic surgeon, "Dr. Z", I lost count of how many times I prayed "Thank you Lord that this is NOT cancer". Every single time my mind started to stray into the 'what ifs' and I felt the fear creeping in, I just repeated that over and over and over. I actually lost count in the first 24 hours. Having that prayer, that anchor, kept me from unraveling all weekend.
This was from my quiet time Monday morning: I'm not sure it'll make sense to anyone else, but basically, God spoke something very convicting to me: the 'peace that passes all understanding' is supernatural and also at the same time a discipline. In other words, I have to anchor my mind in truth, in scripture, which tells us about the peace of God. And once I root my mind in that truth about the peace and protection of God, the discipline of peace follows. I'm not sure if that make sense at all to anyone else, but it felt so clear to me that morning...and so I kept repeating that prayer. Thank you Lord that this is NOT cancer!'.
Once Dr. Z examined me he said he was 'pretty confident' that the bumps were the knots from the suture that are holding my grafts in place. What a sigh of relief....nothing would be sure until the ultrasound, but I'll take 'pretty confident'!
Next we had the ultrasound at an outside clinic....this is important to mention because when I originally called for an appointment at our regular radiology clinic nothing was available for three weeks. (Rich sent an e-mail to all the docs involved and explained the situation, but we never heard anything back...it was Friday...I just simply got a phone call from this outside clinic and they set me up with the Tuesday appointment.)
Now comes the fun part. I was told the ultrasound results would be ready by Thursday.....yesterday. My quiet time from Thursday morning included Psalm 130:5 "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I hope." And I read in Hebrews 4 about 'rest'. My commentary provided this insight: the 'rest of God' is from a Hebrew verb "shabath"/Sabbath....which means to 'cease, desist, rest'. I just figured 'yep, got it....wait...which I have been doing and am glad we find out results today!'. But what a day it was. I got three phone calls from the regular radiology clinic offering me an earlier appointment...each time I told them 'um.. I already had the ultrasound done two days ago at the outside clinic'. Then I spent a couple hours trying to track down my images/results. Someone stood in front of me and physically saw my CD with the images and said I would receive a phone call in a few hours. By the end of day, after a few more phone calls, it turned out that for some reason no one could find my CD anymore. Yup, they somehow disappeared.
At this point I just felt like crying. And I did. I had been holding my breath while praying the same prayer over and over again and was just so stinkin' frustrated and disappointed that we had no information. And all this happened about an hour before we were supposed to be at a fundraiser dinner for Young Life. Quite frankly, I did not want to go. I just wanted to pull on some pj's and crawl into bed and I kept asking God "why do you want me to wait????" "why do I have to keep waiting???" After managing to finally find something to wear (yep...more tears....finding an outfit to fit my post 4 month baby body and 'half finished girls' was a bad combination with the let down of no results), we headed off (also the first time we had a baby sitter put all five kiddos to bed!).
And this is where I heard God whisper in a new way "just wait". See, it wasn't 'just wait' in the way I try to buy a few more minutes when my kiddos are asking me for a snack (10 minutes after breakfast!) or when I'm trying to stall. It was a 'just wait and see what I have in store for you' kind of whisper.
Our guest speaker for the banquet was Kevin Sorbo. He played the professor in God's Not Dead and years ago played Hercules. He shared a story that totally surprised me. He's recently written a book about this and apparently what he shared is something that not many folks know...until now. During his series where he played Hercules, while in his mid 30's he had THREE strokes that completely disabled him.
What?!? Hercules had three strokes in his mid-30's??? And now he's here standing in front of us sharing his testimony! To hear his journey of recovery and to see and hear him share his testimony was unbelievably encouraging to me. I can't explain why....but it just felt like God saying "See, this is tough, but you're going to get through this...I am for you. And I will use your struggle for my Glory through your good. " Geesh. If Hercules went through three strokes in his mid 30's and God can use it for His Glory then I guess I can have breast cancer in my mid 30's and God will use this, too. That's a bit short of poetic analogy, but it just resonated with me.
And so finally, today, after more phone calls and searching for my images, they finally found them!!! And just before the end of the day, my oncologist called with the results. Based on the images and what Dr. Z said, everyone is fairly confident that these bumps are the sutures holding my grafts in place. WHEW. THANK YOU LORD THAT THIS IS NOT CANCER. I get to use all caps for that! :) And get this: no one knows how I got that ultrasound appointment with the outside clinic!
What I learned about God: that He is indeed for me. He works in mysterious ways (how did I get that ultrasound appointment???). And His ways are not my ways. Just wait....and see what I have in store for you!
What I learned about myself: the discipline of peace is far from developed in me....I have a long way to go. And for now I have to choose His peace. Even if it means I just keep repeating the same line over and over and over. And I have to trust Him when He says 'wait'. I cannot force or make anything happen with enough phone calls or e-mails. I can 'rest' because He is for me.
So, we are still a 'go' for surgery this Wednesday. As of now, we're proceeding with caution under the assumption that I have a slight bleeding disorder (still waiting on a few more labs to confirm whether or not I have Von Willenbrand's). We appreciate prayers for a smooth procedure, confirmation that these bumps are indeed just sutures and no more transfusions. This lady ain't got time for more drama in the OR! :)
THANK YOU LORD THAT THIS IS NOT CANCER!
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