Leaning In

First off, my apologies for being delinquent with an update....  last week I jumped back into the full routine and I was running a bit slower than normal (actually, there was NO jumping or running, but you know what I mean :)).  :)  It has been good to get back to focusing on the 'regular' routine around here....the stuff that is normal...but living through the lens of fighting cancer, I welcome 'routine' and 'normal'.

In the last post I mentioned that we are researching and waiting for a referral before deciding on which route to choose regarding treatment.  Going nuclear or natural.

The research and wait still continues....

We had originally been waiting on a referral to a place in Phoenix that does offer conventional treatment, but also incorporates a whole body/holistic/natural approach.  I was really excited to meet with the doctors there and hear what they had to say/offer.... it was only a matter of waiting to get the official authorization and appointment.

One morning last week I was reading in Psalms and a few different devotionals and EVERYWHERE I read one theme kept repeating itself... "wait patiently in the Lord".  Seriously, I'm pretty sure I read it at least six times.  I understood it to mean that we'll get the appointment when the time is right.... but a few hours later I got a phone call saying that the place in Phoenix no longer accepted our insurance as of the 1st of the year.  Seriously?? And this would set the whole process back a week or two.  I was disappointed, but honestly, felt such a peace to accept the closed door.  Isn't God good?  He prepared me that morning with every time that I read "wait patiently in the Lord".  So, I figured that is a very clear 'NO' to Phoenix.  I was disappointed, but so very at peace with trusting that this is for a reason.

Last Sunday at church, our pastor spoke about 'Investing Forever'.  It's similar to a really wise saying I learned from my husband's grandparents... 'invest in things of eternal worth'.  I go back to that saying so often regarding our time, money, resources, relationships, etc.  And it has SO much more meaning when you are fighting a disease like cancer.  Take what is temporary and invest it for eternal worth.  That sure is a challenge.  A daunting challenge.  One in which I often wonder if we are doing well.  And then he said something that planted joy and hope:  "He leans forward to rejoice in our work"( Just to highlight one example..those adoptive and foster parents out there - whew.  You blow me away constantly in how well you do this... but everyone does this...with your biological kids, your work, your ministry, etc.)  

Geesh!  Really??  Yes, He leans in and is ready to rejoice in what we do!  See, I've often caught myself thinking 'umm...I hope this is right...Hope you like this God, or well, at least I'm giving it my best effort...'  I've often cringed, wondering if what we did pleased Him.  But I was reminded that He is FOR us....He leans forward to rejoice!  Psalm 56: 9 "This I know, that God is for me"

And it brought me back to our decision regarding going nuclear or natural.  In a sense, it boils down to this:  if I do chemo and radiation and the cancer returns, then we can just say the treatment didn't work/the cancer was just too aggressive.  If I go the natural route and it doesn't work, that rests on my shoulders.  Does that make sense?  Yes, I absolutely dread doing chemo and radiation, but I am also terrified of choosing the natural option, hoping and praying it works and then failing.

And so I choose to remember that God is FOR me...He leans forward to rejoice with us every step of the way... every time this fight bring Him Glory through our Good.  He is excited to rejoice in and with us!

We found out yesterday that we have an appointment at MD Anderson on February 2nd.  So glad to have an appointment finally, but also a bit nervous about walking into a cancer center.... shouldn't I be over the nerves by now?  But it always takes me breath away to walk into a cancer appointment because it just reminds me that I'm battling for my physical life right now.  And so are the many others around me.  I'm part of the cancer club now - 'yay me'.  

In the meantime, I have been pursuing a cancer fighting diet.  I don't have any sort of degree or anything more than what I have researched as a momma fighting for the future days to see her grandchildren, but folks have asked me what I'm doing so here's the skinny:

My diet focuses on three things:  1) detox 2) build my immunity and 3) load up on cancer fighting foods.  Basically, I'm eating a ton of veggies, consuming mostly raw foods (about 80 percent raw) and have cut out all sugar and cow dairy.  I have a carrot smoothie (eating/drinking about 5-6 carrots a day...about to up this to almost 5LBS a day with juicing), green smoothie, big salads (have kale, broccoli, spinach or cabbage everyday), good fats (flaxseed oil, avo, coconut oil, ghee), homemade sourdough bread (thanks, Kerry for getting me HOOKED on this), limited amounts of good organic meat, serious kick of green tea (matcha) and have been using frankincense and myrrh essential oils.  Yup -there's nothing genius in my diet...just boils down to lots of veggies and whole foods.  I am giving this a go until our appointment and we'll see what my tests/scans/docs say.  There's a nagging voice in me that says maybe I'm doing this all for naught and the docs will say the cancer has spread.  But then I remember that I can hope....be brave enough to hope and pray that maybe the docs will say whatever I am doing is working!  It takes so much courage to hope..... but as a wise friend reminds me to do, I will 'pick up my courage' and hope. My hope and courage are in Him and Him only...the one who leans forward to rejoice in and with me.

Oh, and I always, always, always, need a good dose of humor!

The New Year....never has been, never was, never will be All About Me.

....well, sort of.  I am the one with cancer, so in a sense, that part is about me.  But the rest.... it's not all about me.  At all.

I'll explain in a bit.

Yesterday was a tough day - unexpectedly.  But it makes sense....when we think of the new year it's usually about what we resolve to do better/different, hope for, anticipate, etc.  My thoughts just continued to swirl around what our next steps will be....that our next year will be a tough year.  That it's a year where we will plunge deeper in the cancer world and it will be the biggest fight I've faced yet.  Everything seemed to be in check until I got an e-mail from our oncologist, a phone call from our surgeon....etc..... all good things (communication is important!), but reminders of what the next year will entail.  

The big decisions right now include deciding what type of treatment to pursue.  There are many factors, but to keep it simple it boils down to 1) what I call the 'nuclear' option:  chemo and radiation... endure 6-8 months and hope for no recurrence and 2) natural methods of healing my body from the inside out and giving my immune system and NK cells a chance to fight the cancer cells and committing to a lifelong change in diet and habits.  (One reason why I would seriously consider option 2 is because my tumor actually shrunk by almost 25% before surgery - that's without meds!  It may have a lot to do with having a baby and estrogen level dropping, but to me it means that my body was fighting the cancer without any intervention!)

I know some who just read about option 2 are screaming 'no' and will consider it insane.  And the same for option 1.  And I go back and forth, back and forth.  And for whatever reason, it all threatened to unravel me yesterday.

The first person who gets a taste of my emotional implosion is unfortunately my husband.  I can feel the emotions brewing inside me, I try to keep them in check (because I KNOW some of my emotions are just emotions....not rational thinking, but the I'm-tired-just-had-a-baby-and-surgery emotions), but then out of nowhere one comment creates a cascade of tears that I can't seem to contain.

And in that very weak, raw and honest moment this is what I said.  "I'd rather have five good years left of trying to heal my body naturally vs ten years after chemo and rad and suffer from the side effects" and "I kind of wish a truck could just hit me tomorrow and let this all be over with."  I'm not proud of what I said, but those are my raw emotions.  As for the truck comment, don't worry, I'm not planning my demise - it's just that I already know I'm going to heaven so part of me just wants to skip right to that part!

Then I received some major conviction:

Look at this pic (disclaimer:  my pics have been coming out blurry...maybe because I recently gained  enough mobility to take pics...or because a little person put fingerprints all over?  ... ).  Check out the top row, excuse the message board which is out of date..... but check out all those amazing Christmas cards and notes!  If you can zoom in, you will find your card up there somewhere....

And here are the kiddos....five amazing gifts that somehow manage to simultaneously exhaust me, yet fuel my fire to fight.

And my solid rock and best friend, my husband.  The rest of my (super generous) family.  My (amazing rock star) friends.  My friends I have yet to meet.

God really convicted me that this battle is not all about me.  There's a story unfolding, His story, unfolding in this battle.  Glory being revealed.  Hope being planted and realized.  Grace upon grace being poured out.  This battle is about Him and His Glory and others' Good that He will accomplish through my good.

A shortcut is not an option for me.  I don't get to crawl into a hole and hide until this is all over.  I have to take every step, get up to fight every round and choose His Glory over my fears.  

And so we pray.  Hard.  About the right path to choose.  Because part of me really, truly believes my body can fight the microscopic cancer cells that may remain through natural ways.  And the other part of me dreads the nuclear option. Having five babies, double mastectomy and adding on chemo and rad (i.e. bald, puking and burned) certainly does not do much for your self confidence.  (Have I mentioned I dread the nuclear option?  I'm pretty sure the bald look is not going to look great on me....geesh, I was BORN with a head of hair...I haven't been bald a single day of my life...okay, I digress.)  

But it's not all about me.  It's about what He convicts us to choose.  Finding a peace with the right decision.  And if He gives me a peace about chemo and rad then that is what we will do.  No questions asked.  I know there is a bigger story unraveling here and whatever He gives us a peace with, we will follow.  I will walk through the fire if that's what He wants me to do... because I know the One who asks me to do it.  I know Who He Is.  

There is hope.  Always.  If I end up bald, that sure does give me a legit pass to hang out with kids fighting cancer in the hospital.  Maybe we'll 'adopt' cancer kids and find ways to love on them and their families.  I've already made new friends through this... my anesthesiologist is a total rock star and in the midst of her own challenges has been encouraging me in ways that only another cancer survivor can.  

So whichever method of treatment we choose, I will fight.  For God and His Glory, for my family, friends and myself.  

Thank you SO much for those that have committed to pray for us...and for promising to remind me to get up and fight when I am knocked down.

Here's to 2015.  Not an easy year.  But a Glory and Joy filled year.

"So teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom.....Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days....Let your work be shown to your servants, and your GLORIOUS power to their children...Let the favor of our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands upon us; yes, establish the work of our hands!"  Psalm 90:  12-17

Fight. My little bit of crazy. and a bad selfie. :)

I know yesterday's post wasn't exactly awesome news, but there are some huge praises that I need to mention:

1) For the first time in three weeks, I was able to put an overhead shirt on.  Yep, I know that may seem like small bucks, but considering I've been wearing a very limited wardrobe of button downs/zip ups, it was a big step for this gal.  :)

2) For the first time in three weeks, I was able to get in and out of bed by myself!  That is HUGE.  The first couple nights after the initial surgery I had a hard time falling asleep because I felt so unsettled by the fact that I could not move without help.... becoming more mobile makes it easier to fall asleep.

3) For the first time in three weeks, I was able to lift, feed and hold Raleigh!  This is a momma high.  :) This pic is where I managed to find a sweet spot where she could rest on my tummy/shoulder and it's pretty darn close to being able to hug her.  :)  It's a bad 'selfie', but big time progress here!

Now for my little bit of crazy:  On Saturday afternoon I took a hard, hard nap and had a really vivid dream where my surgeon had his right hand wrapped up in a bandage and he couldn't do surgery.  I half expected to walk into our appointment on Monday and find his hand bandaged up.  Why do I mention this at the risk of seeming like a cray cray?  

Because when I was given the option of surgery and/or radiation and told that they found more cancer/blah, blah, blah-this-really-stinks-kind of news I really couldn't choose one decision over the other.  The absolute only thing that I had to sway me one way or the other was the dream....I told Rich 'I know it's crazy, but maybe that's a sign to avoid surgery this time'.  

And when we got home and the kids unloaded out of the van, two of our girls picked up a kettle bell and started playing around with it.  Something clicked in my head:  I need to get strong.  I need to recover.  It's time to get back in the fight.  No surgery this time.  

But the only prayer I kept repeating was 'please, God, please God, please God.'  I didn't even know how to articulate what I was praying for, but He knew.  One specific prayer was that Rich and I would be in agreement regarding the decision and that my surgeon would agree as well.  Beyond that, I didn't have the words for prayer...just a pleading.  

And wouldn't you know?  We just got off the phone with our surgeon and God has shown us the decision is NO surgery.  Luke took a trip down to the lab to review the results himself, did some additional research, contacted a friend who worked at MD Anderson and said he feels comfortable going forward without an additional surgery.  What was maybe a 'micron' of clear margins yesterday is now more like 1 to 2 microns.  The pre cancerous cells found in other parts of the tissue are actually so small that the lab can't be sure what it is - precancer or just abnormal cells.  Unsure enough to call it inconclusive for now.  These factors, combined with a recent study adds up to an additional surgery not being necessary (if followed up with radiation). Woohoo!!!!  This gal is ready to recover and get strong.  

For a few weeks I was knocked off my feet and had my rear handed to me....and God sent an army of reinforcements to love on us and fight for us.  It reminds me of the passage in Exodus when Moses is leading the Israelites across the Red Sea.... v. 14 " The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent."  Those reinforcements nursed my wounds, helped me wash my hair, get dressed, fed us, cleaned for us and let me cry when I needed to, but also made me laugh to the point my chest hurt.  And they let me rest.  And now I feel like Moses in v.15 "The Lord said to Moses, 'why do you cry to me?  tell the people of Israel to go forward.  Lift up your staff and stretch out your hand over the sea and divide it, that the people of Israel may go through the sea on dry ground."  I know that God is fighting for me - that He goes before me and is also my rear guard.....and I also believe that this is a multi dimensional fight and I have my part to do.  

I've rested and now I need to recover and get strong.  

Because this battle is far from over.  

But He continues to show Himself to us over and over and over.  I absolutely dread chemo and radiation (what we hoped to avoid with surgery), but He keeps reminding me that He is so very real and so very present in our struggles.  All for His Glory through our good.  

A long road....and peace

I was hopeful when we took this pic that it would be the last time I would be in one of these hospital gowns for a long, long time.  After all, it's not exactly my 'style'....a little too thin and not enough closures for my taste!  :)  I like my clothing just a bit more secure......

But after our follow up appointment today, I may have to settle for this outfit once again (on your third round I'm wondering if you get the option for embroidery or something?  or at least choice of colors? or at least a pedicure while you're under?!?!).  Even though the initial 'frozen' (not THAT Frozen!) lab results indicated that we were all 'clear', the final lab results came back less than favorable.  Basically, the pathology report showed a 'micron' of clear margins, less than 1cm, which is the standard for 'clear' margins.  There were also indicators of the presence of microscopic precancerous cells in other parts of the tissue.  So, basically, we don't know what we don't know.  Our options now include more surgery and/or radiation....what we were hoping to avoid from the very beginning.

I honestly had a hard time thinking through our options in the office.... either Rich or Luke asked me which way I was leaning and I honestly had no leaning one way or the other...  what I did think was 'this really stinks' and we just need to pray and see.

The very, very odd thing, though, is that this news shook me less than last time....maybe I'm getting numb to not so great news or just because it is a peace from God....peace not as the world gives, but one that can only be from Him.  Don't get me wrong, I cried and am disappointed and frustrated and wonder if this will ever end.....it feels like the Twilight Zone gone very wrong....but the best I can describe is that my feet are still under me.

So, we come before you again, asking, pleading, for prayers.  Prayers for wisdom regarding further surgery and treatment...decisions that need to be made in the next couple days.  Prayers to specifically guard our hearts and minds.... that I would remember the awesome angel and still expectantly believe in miracles.  Because I've seen it.  God is real and it's what we have been waiting this season to celebrate.  The birth of Christ our Savior who didn't just pat us on the back, blow us a kiss and say 'good luck' with all that earth stuff.... but a Savior who clothed himself in human form to dwell among us.  The same skin as mine...His skin was also torn and bled....and His heart also broken.  So I know that He knows.  Which is the only way I can explain how He gives us peace that surpasses all understanding.  Just like the angels proclaimed at His birth...peace on earth and good will to men.  He means all things for my good and His Glory.

And a wise, wise friend mentioned something to me.....as I'm struggling to find grace in this walk....that maybe this situation IS the grace.  That somehow this battle against cancer (stubborn, it is!) is a grace.... and there's a tiny seed of hope in me that maybe, just maybe it is.  Because only God could take cancer and make it a grace.  God can do the crazy, cool things like that....beauty from ashes and grace from cancer.

Much love from the Hartneys.

  

                     

The Angel

We are back home - praise God!

Thank you for your prayers.... everything went smoothly yesterday.  God answered some prayers - some crazy cool big time prayers.

We waited through the pre op checklist and thought we would be sitting around for a few more hours until the scheduled surgery time of 1:00 p.m.  But as soon as we finished with the 2nd to last item on the checklist, they told us the OR was ready for us.  This was way sooner than anticipated and much, much better than waiting around for hours.

On the drive in I kept praying and hoping that I could get the same anesthesiologist..... there are at least five different anesthesiologists on staff so I knew it was not a guarantee.... but when they told us the OR was ready for us, they also said 'we're moving a little quicker since you're going to have the same anesthesiologist'.  Thank you, Lord!

We held hands with our surgeon and anesthesiologist and Rich prayed for us before I was taken to the OR.  The last detail I remember is trying to see if I could get the record for staying awake the longest before falling asleep.  I don't think I lasted that long.  :)

As of now, the initial lab results are 'clear', meaning no return trip to the OR!  We are still praying for the official results to be clear....we should know within the week.  And one of my biggest sources of being 'sad' was further scarring and deformity.  I think it's amazing to say that Luke was able to maintain one scar line and did not have to remove any of the fluid that was filled to start reconstruction. God is Good - He even answers my 'vain' prayers.

Here is something I haven't shared too openly..... the past week has felt like a battle to know that none of this is in vain.  That even this set back is somehow for His Glory and my good.  I have been pleading with God for the reassurance that 'this present suffering' will result in His future Glory...and my good.  It's felt like wave after wave of 'hard things' and just struggling to catch my breath.  But all the hard things - the pain - it becomes almost welcome when you know that it all leads to His Glory....that somehow, we're being included in an amazing story that will one day be revealed.  It's hard because some days I can only see as far as the next round of meds and the mountain in front of me seems impassable.  And so it has been an inner plea to just have 'eyes' to see that all of this is not in vain.

And God in His mercy answered my plea when I least expected it.  I've debated sharing this on a post because it seems so private, but it's not my own gift to keep hidden...I feel led to share it.

I saw an Angel.  A huge angel.  

I was behind the angel, looking at his back and could see myself on the table beyond him.

I didn't see his face.  And we didn't exchange any words.

But two thoughts were communicated to me.
1) That if he were to unfurl his wings, they would stretch beyond the walls of the OR
2) At any moment, he could unfurl his wings and it would provide a shield over me

He was statue/granite gray in color.  And he was a serious angel....standing guard.  I mention the color specifically because I've always imagined angels to be white/goldish/glowing.  I still think it's odd that this one was gray.

                                   My friend, Mel, sketched this based on my description.  
                                  What timing that she happens to be here at the same time
                                  that I saw the angel.

Some might dismiss this as a dream - but in the other three times that I have been under general anesthesia I have never had a dream.  Some might say it's because I was just talking about angels and reading a comic book with graphics - but this angel looked nothing like the graphics because it was gray.

I don't know if I saw the angel while I was under or starting to come to, but it's one of the first things I remember mentioning to Rich and Luke when I woke up.  The image was crystal clear.

What a gracious God.  He owes me nothing.  He is not obligated to answer my pleas.  But in His love for us, He answered me when I least expected it.  I have never seen visions before or had dreams about angels.  And now, I have seen one, by His grace.

I will never forget this angel.  God's very real gift to me....and hopefully you.

Round 2 - Go BIG

This will be a brief update as I try to do this from my phone in the waiting room.  It's an odd feeling to feel 'ok' yet be told that you have something wrong with you.

I have been feeling better and better over the past two weeks and it's really hard to know that we're taking a step back.  This time around seems bigger to me... Because I know more of what is involved and because I just started regaining movement and strength. The procedure itself should be much simpler and OR time less than half of last time.  And now we have an idea of what pain meds to start with.  Those are all good things.

I don't pretend to know why we are going through this setback or even try to have a 'happy face' about this. I am sad and I am weary.  But I was reminded of something.... That my view of all this is so small.  All I see and feel is the here and now but Christ promises a bigger Hope.  A bigger story where my scars will fade and even complement the tapestry that is being woven.

And the Angels.... Ones I know were standing guard over me last time and continue to do so..... For some reason I made them so small in my mind.  Not weak, but just sweet, small angels.  That's all wrong, though. . I believe they are Rereeaaallly BIG.  My friend told me so.  And Rich just ordered these cool comic books about the Bible with awesome graphics and yup- the angels are BIG.

Even if that's all I 'gain' from this surgery, that is huge. To be reminded that God's Army means business and they are terrifyingly huge and I can take a break from fighting because we are on the same side.

Our prayer requests include 1) wisdom for my surgeon, Luke, to know what to take for clean margins yet preserve as much of me as possible.  For my mental and emotional well being.  That God would guide Luke's  hands and give me peace to accept the outcome.  Between having a baby and these surgeries I feel especially vulnerable in my self image.  2) for no infections or complications... 3) pain management post surgery.  4) Luke will also insert a port for future treatment... Prayers for it to fit in just the right place and that it would not be painful. 5) for our friends Mel and Erica who are holding down the fort at home and for their families that are missing their mommas  6)that I could go home TODAY.  Being surrounded by friends and my family at home is the best medicine for this momma.

Thank you again for your prayers and continually lifting us up.  We are waiting until our scheduled OR time of 1:00 p.m.  Until then, I'll be reading through the comic books to remind me of the incredible warriors that have my back.

Curveballs

First and foremost, we have GREAT news.  We met with our surgeon today and found out that the final lab results came back NEGATIVE.  The cancer has not spread and for that we are so very, very thankful!  We barely got a chance to enjoy the good news before being told some not so great news, though.  Our curveball.  When the labs dissected all the tissue removed during surgery, they found one part where they don't have 'clear margins'.  Basically, it means there may or may not be some cancerous tissue remaining.  And so we have another OR date reserved for either Tuesday or Wednesday of next week to remove more tissue.

To say I am feeling discouraged is an understatement.  I feel like I (literally) just got back on my feet and we are already looking at surgery again.  I am scared (the last experience is not a distant memory).  I am scared of the pain - of going beyond my pain threshold again.  I am heartbroken that more of me will have to be removed.  I am sad that there will be more and bigger scars and some more deformity (I apologize if that is too much information, but I promise to be transparent).

After we returned home I laid upstairs in bed, just needing a breather.  As I listened to some music and prayed, I kept thinking that I just didn't feel like I had enough fight left in me.  It's already been a battle and the end is not in sight and now we have a setback.

But I cannot let self pity get even a foothold in my heart.  So I kept praying and pleading with God...and let the tears flow.  And I remembered something - I don't have to fight this.  When I am weak, He is strong.  And for some reason His sacrifice for us on the Cross dominated my thoughts.   How He paid the price once and for all and we don't have to continually offer rituals or sacrifices to atone for ourselves or please some nebulous God.  Instead, He chose a Way that paid the price once and for all.  Hear that?  Once and for all, our salvation has been paid for.  No maintenance, no checking in to see if we're still 'good' with the big man, no continual efforts to stay in favor in order to gain access to the pearly gates.  And the only thing that I can do right now?  Is give thanks.

"  Offer to God a sacrifice of Thanksgiving....and call upon me in the day of trouble and I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me."  Psalm 50: 14

I don't feel like fighting right now.  And to be very honest, I don't feel like putting on a fake happy face.  I am heartbroken.  But I can and WILL give thanks.

And yes.  We have MUCH to be thankful for.  Here are just a few.....

1) My kids are beautiful - oh, their hearts.  Not once have they been upset with me because I haven't been able to be wholly 'mom'...not being able to pick them up, hold them, give them big squeeze hugs (which I YEARN for).  Instead, you know what they do?  They cheered for me when I was able to walk down the stairs and they reward me with stickers.  Their hearts are beautiful.  Please pray that God would continue to guard their hearts with innocence and tenderness and understanding.

2)  Friends.  I'm pretty sure my friends are the best that anyone could ask for.  I mean it.  Six of them, flying in from all over the country to love on me and my family.  And that's a sacrificial love, I know, because when they are here, their families are missing them.  They serve my family with joy and help in countless ways, so many times, without me having to even ask (you know, the friends who go change your kid's dirty diaper without having to be asked :)).  Please continue to cover their families in prayer.

3)  my husband.  He has been a solid rock.  He has not once complained about the seismic shift in responsibilities at home.  He is tired and is literally loving on me as 'christ has loved the church'.  He is love in action.  Pray for His strength, renewal and peace.

There is so much more that I could/should write...but I'm feeling guilty about sitting here and typing while my friends are cutting vegetables and cooking in the kitchen.  I could write much more about the friends who have offered to send their breastmilk, sent food and gifts/activities for the kids, flowers, cards, gift cards, care packages, friends who have done research for many things on my behalf.....the list could literally go on.

But I am tired and weary and just want to rest now.  But none of this changes that God is Good and He is in control.  My 'curveball' was known by Him from the beginning and so I am secure in His sovereignty.  Let's just hit this curveball out the park and look for a home run.  :)