I'll explain in a bit.
Yesterday was a tough day - unexpectedly. But it makes sense....when we think of the new year it's usually about what we resolve to do better/different, hope for, anticipate, etc. My thoughts just continued to swirl around what our next steps will be....that our next year will be a tough year. That it's a year where we will plunge deeper in the cancer world and it will be the biggest fight I've faced yet. Everything seemed to be in check until I got an e-mail from our oncologist, a phone call from our surgeon....etc..... all good things (communication is important!), but reminders of what the next year will entail.
The big decisions right now include deciding what type of treatment to pursue. There are many factors, but to keep it simple it boils down to 1) what I call the 'nuclear' option: chemo and radiation... endure 6-8 months and hope for no recurrence and 2) natural methods of healing my body from the inside out and giving my immune system and NK cells a chance to fight the cancer cells and committing to a lifelong change in diet and habits. (One reason why I would seriously consider option 2 is because my tumor actually shrunk by almost 25% before surgery - that's without meds! It may have a lot to do with having a baby and estrogen level dropping, but to me it means that my body was fighting the cancer without any intervention!)
I know some who just read about option 2 are screaming 'no' and will consider it insane. And the same for option 1. And I go back and forth, back and forth. And for whatever reason, it all threatened to unravel me yesterday.
The first person who gets a taste of my emotional implosion is unfortunately my husband. I can feel the emotions brewing inside me, I try to keep them in check (because I KNOW some of my emotions are just emotions....not rational thinking, but the I'm-tired-just-had-a-baby-and-surgery emotions), but then out of nowhere one comment creates a cascade of tears that I can't seem to contain.
And in that very weak, raw and honest moment this is what I said. "I'd rather have five good years left of trying to heal my body naturally vs ten years after chemo and rad and suffer from the side effects" and "I kind of wish a truck could just hit me tomorrow and let this all be over with." I'm not proud of what I said, but those are my raw emotions. As for the truck comment, don't worry, I'm not planning my demise - it's just that I already know I'm going to heaven so part of me just wants to skip right to that part!
Then I received some major conviction:
Look at this pic (disclaimer: my pics have been coming out blurry...maybe because I recently gained enough mobility to take pics...or because a little person put fingerprints all over? ... ). Check out the top row, excuse the message board which is out of date..... but check out all those amazing Christmas cards and notes! If you can zoom in, you will find your card up there somewhere....
And here are the kiddos....five amazing gifts that somehow manage to simultaneously exhaust me, yet fuel my fire to fight.
And my solid rock and best friend, my husband. The rest of my (super generous) family. My (amazing rock star) friends. My friends I have yet to meet.
God really convicted me that this battle is not all about me. There's a story unfolding, His story, unfolding in this battle. Glory being revealed. Hope being planted and realized. Grace upon grace being poured out. This battle is about Him and His Glory and others' Good that He will accomplish through my good.
A shortcut is not an option for me. I don't get to crawl into a hole and hide until this is all over. I have to take every step, get up to fight every round and choose His Glory over my fears.
And so we pray. Hard. About the right path to choose. Because part of me really, truly believes my body can fight the microscopic cancer cells that may remain through natural ways. And the other part of me dreads the nuclear option. Having five babies, double mastectomy and adding on chemo and rad (i.e. bald, puking and burned) certainly does not do much for your self confidence. (Have I mentioned I dread the nuclear option? I'm pretty sure the bald look is not going to look great on me....geesh, I was BORN with a head of hair...I haven't been bald a single day of my life...okay, I digress.)
But it's not all about me. It's about what He convicts us to choose. Finding a peace with the right decision. And if He gives me a peace about chemo and rad then that is what we will do. No questions asked. I know there is a bigger story unraveling here and whatever He gives us a peace with, we will follow. I will walk through the fire if that's what He wants me to do... because I know the One who asks me to do it. I know Who He Is.
There is hope. Always. If I end up bald, that sure does give me a legit pass to hang out with kids fighting cancer in the hospital. Maybe we'll 'adopt' cancer kids and find ways to love on them and their families. I've already made new friends through this... my anesthesiologist is a total rock star and in the midst of her own challenges has been encouraging me in ways that only another cancer survivor can.
So whichever method of treatment we choose, I will fight. For God and His Glory, for my family, friends and myself.
Thank you SO much for those that have committed to pray for us...and for promising to remind me to get up and fight when I am knocked down.
Here's to 2015. Not an easy year. But a Glory and Joy filled year.
"So teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom.....Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days....Let your work be shown to your servants, and your GLORIOUS power to their children...Let the favor of our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands upon us; yes, establish the work of our hands!" Psalm 90: 12-17
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