For the First Time

It is a gorgeous day here.  And for the first time we just did a family 5K!  And for the first time in a lloooong time, I ran more than a mile.  And for the first time, I actually prayed before the race.  See, we signed up for this race a while ago with the idea that Rich and one of the older two kids would do the 5K run and I would walk and push the stroller with the little ones.  Cause I just wasn't all that sure I could do it.  But somehow, come the day of the race, we decided to give it a try and see if all 7 of us could stick together for the 5K.  With two bikes and two strollers, we did it!  But I wasn't thinking too far ahead and planning for the ride/run there and back which was about another 3 miles.  Once I started doing the math (like the night before), I was really wondering if this was a good idea for me....  so I prayed that I would just be able to do it.  No personal records or even looking pretty...just finish.  Because honestly, I don't feel 'in shape', but since my kiddos wanted to run, I was in (oh God, please help me.  eeks. )

The sweatshirts were quickly ditched!  

This boy used to be in OT once a week!  SO proud of him for finishing....and a little bribery goes a long way.  aka chocolate milkshake smoothie!  :)  

Anyway, all drama aside, we had a GREAT time.  The kiddos did great and we had a really, really fun family morning.  And after getting home, I kind of started diminishing the accomplishment....because I didn't exactly run fast...but a phrase came to mind that a friend passed on to me a while ago.  Give yourself some Grace.  God is Good.  Five months ago I couldn't even feed myself.  God is Good.  And I read something important in a book called Treasuring Christ When Your Hands Are Full by Gloria Furman.  Though it was speaking specifically about parenting, it applies in so many ways.  "If we want to give grace to our children, then first we must be willing to receive it ourselves from God." (p. 63)





So, I am going to receive His Grace and say a big 'ol yippe!  We did it!  We ran a family 5K.  :)

And before I mention a few more specifics about my cancer battle plan, can I emphasize again that in this pursuit of what is sometimes called 'clean eating' let's have grace.  For each other and ourselves.  There can be a lot of judgment in the area of health and wellness, but let's not forget the grace that has been lavished on us folks, and remember the reason behind 'eating clean'.

I love this quote framed in my friend's kitchen.... I think I have mentioned/posted this before, but I wanted to include it again.

"O God, bless this food which has been set before us.  May it nourish our bodies to make us stronger so that we will be more fit to serve Thee.  In God's name we ask it.  Amen. "  

Since the last post so many have been SO encouraging!  Thank you for cheering me on.  To say it means a lot is a huge understatement.  Truly, thank you for the encouragement, friends. 

And some are curious about more specifics so I'll keep sharing with a few caveats:

1) I am learning as I go.  If you have stuff to share with me, awesome, please do!  If you have seen something counter to what I share, please let me know!  As I mentioned earlier, I pray all the time for discernment between the real deal and quackery. 

2) I am not a scientist.  Nor do I hold any fancy schmancy degrees.  I simply research, listen and read as much as I can and rely on the research of those with the degrees.  Just because I do something and it works for me, I can't call it 'evidence-based', which is the gold standard.  But I can tell you the positive effects of what we do  - how I feel, how much energy I have, how my tastebuds have changed, and the lack of negative effects.  

3) I don't ascribe to a specific diet.  I am not on a paleo, whole-30, vegetarian, raw, atkins, ketogenic, or calorie counting diet.  As far as diet goes, we simply eat nourishing foods that are as close to it's original source as possible.  Hope that makes sense and answers some questions about 'what kind of diet I follow.'  

That said:  a few things regarding my last post about sugar.  This one relates to my kids:  in our home, we've cut out sugar.  I don't cook or bake with sugar (white refined sugar).  Our kiddos aren't big enough to cook for themselves yet so they have to eat what I make.  Trust me, that does NOT mean my kids are angelic little eaters who say, yes, more kale, please.   But as their tastebuds have changed, they do appreciate how sweet fruit and berries are!  And there are so many, many dessert recipes out there you can make with alternate sweeteners.  But on the flip side, when they are at school I have zero control over their snacks so they still do eat sugar.  It is what it is.  And when we go to a birthday party, they do have cake. :)  I don't love the selection of treats and snacks offered, but I'm okay with those treats because it is more along the lines of an occasional treat vs having sugar with every single meal.  Hope that makes sense.  

As I mentioned earlier:  I'm not on a specific diet, other than a 'kick-cancer's-@ss-' diet.  Let's start with the macronutrients: 1) protein 2) carbohydrates and 3) fats.

Regarding protein, it is hugely important as the building blocks for our body.  It helps our body heal and repair and grow.  We need protein.  Simple as that.  But there is a difference in quality of protein.  We choose grass fed local beef over conventional beef for a few reasons.  Grass fed beef has higher levels of CLA (conjugated linoleic acid) which has been shown to fight cancer.  http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16500874

"CLA has been shown in numerous animal studies since 1994 to promote health and fight disease. From cancer fighting to weight loss, CLA is being touted worldwide as a ‘must have’ in your diet for optimal health today and into tomorrow. CLA has also been shown to reduce the risk for heart disease (The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, May 2010.)" http://draxe.com/cancer-fighting-cla-higher-in-grass-fed-beef/

Grass fed beef also has a higher ratio of Omega-3's and less hormones (cancer cells thrive in an environment with excess hormones like estrogen).  

"Another benefit of omega-3s is that they may reduce your risk of cancer.  
In animal studies, these essential fatty acids have slowed the growth of a wide array of cancers and kept them from spreading.⁵  Although the human research is in its infancy, researchers have shown that omega-3s can slow or even reverse the extreme weight loss that accompanies advanced cancer.⁶  They can also hasten recovery from cancer surgery.⁷  Furthermore, animal studies suggest that people with cancer who have high levels of omega-3s in their tissues may respond better to chemotherapy than people with low levels.⁸ Omega-3s are most abundant in seafood and certain nuts and seeds such as flaxseeds and walnuts, but they are also found in grassfed animal products.  
The reason that grassfed animals have more omega-3s than grainfed animals is that omega-3s are formed in the green leaves (specifically the chloroplasts) of plants. Sixty percent of the fat content of grass is a type of omega-3 fatty acid called alpha-linolenic or LNA"  http://www.americangrassfedbeef.com/grass-fed-natural-beef.asp

Another 'plus' is that "CLA reduces body fat but not body weight in healthy exercising humans of normal body weight.".  http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11725826

On the flip side, the jury is still out on the effects of consuming meat and whether or not it raises your risk for cancer.  Some say yay, some say nay.  I haven't come to a conclusion yet, so in the meantime, we consume meat in moderation and also focus on consuming complete protein from plant sources (hemp hearts, chia seeds, quinoa are all great options!).   To be more detailed, as a family of seven, our meat consumption for one week includes about 1 1/2 lbs of grass fed beef, one whole organic chicken and wild caught salmon.  Obviously, different folks in our family eat different amounts based on needs (i.e. Rich eats more meat protein than I do!), but this has become a good balance for us.  

You can get grass-fed meat, free range poultry and wild seafood from a local farmer (we split half a cow with another family) or these great sources: U.S. Wellness Meats http://grasslandbeef.com/, Wise Choice Market http://www.wisechoicemarket.com/, Tropical Traditions http://www.grassfedtraditions.com/grass_fed_beef.htm, Vital Choice Wild Seafood and Organics http://www.vitalchoice.com/shop/pc/viewCategories.asp?idCategory=279.  

Hope that helps for now, and I'll discuss more about carbohydrates next time!       

  

Here goes nothing

I have started and erased, started and erased this post a few too many times.

Some folks have asked for the specifics on what I am currently doing for cancer treatment.

And there's also a question of 'do I still have cancer'?  Well, yes.  and no.  Different docs have given me different opinions based on my pathology report..'you have clean margins'...'you don't have clean margins'.....all docs agree, though, that my treatment should include chemotherapy and radiation.  

I guess it's obvious by now, though, that we are taking a different route.

Both the conventional and alternative worlds agree that everyone has precancerous cells in their bodies.  So what makes these precancerous cells turn into actual cancer?  Here is where the conventional and alternate paths diverge:  My conventional docs say it is 'random' and 'sporadic' and 'it just happens'.  Because only roughly 10% of breast cancer is genetic.  The rest 'just happens'.  The alternate opinion is that our immune system is what keeps these precancerous cells in check.  When our immune system is compromised in a significant manner, precancerous cells are given the opportunity and the right conditions to turn into actual cancer.  Ty Bollinger, a huge advocate for information on 'alternate' cancer treatments, describes the root cause of cancer as a compromised immune system.  

Can I post another disclaimer once again here????  There is not one bit of judgement or condemnation in the following posts that I will write about my cancer fighting regime.  Nada.  Not an iota.  Please read that again.  Regardless of what you or someone you know chooses for their cancer treatment, I am not here to judge.  My heart is to share what I know and let the decision be yours.  I feel like I've gained a wealth of incredible information over the last six months and I am just bursting at the seams to share.  And so much of what I've learned can be used in conjunction with conventional treatment like chemotherapy and radiation.  A cancer battle is deeply personal....I had no idea how hard decisions would be for us.  So, again.  No judgement here.  Just encouragement and a desire to share what I have learned and continue to learn.

And in regards to learning:  one of the most invaluable, intangible skills I gained through college was the ability to learn.  The practice of teaching and educating myself....learning how to learn.  I was not a fan of the Thayer method (where you basically teach yourself and ask questions in class), but geesh, I am so thankful for it now.  Much of my learning has been through books, articles, internet and interviews....along the way I have definitely encountered some 'quackery' and you quickly learn to discern real, evidence based research from the quacks.  One of my prayer is to always have this discernment.

I'm so nervous about sharing more specifics about my cancer fighting regime.  And I say cancer fighting because that's what this is.  I am not preventing it.  I've already had it.  boo.  Now I fight it the best I can everyday.

My kiddos had their first swim team practice yesterday.  Of course, we had the most unseasonal weather.  We live in the desert and have had gorgeous weather all week yet a thunderstorm broke out just before practice.  It subsided in time so my kiddos hopped in the pool and shivered their way through their very first practice.  I was so proud of them.  Not because of their mileage or how awesome their technique was (at some point Ada just hung on to the neck of her coach :)), but because they jumped into that chilly water in some less than favorable conditions and made it to the end.  I am proud of them just for trying despite being uncomfortable and a little nervous.  So it's their momma's turn.

I'm a bit uncomfortable with sharing the specifics and hugely nervous, but life wasn't meant to be played in a 'safe' arena.  One of my favorite quotes is from The Chronicles of Narnia, describing Aslan:  "He isn't safe, but he is good."  What I hope to continue sharing may not be safe, but it is goodness that I feel convicted to share.

The simplified overview of what I am doing right now is a lifestyle that involves:
1) optimizing my immune system.  Did you know that 80% of your immune system is located in your gut??  I'm fascinated with the microbiome right now.  
2) Nutrition has been the gateway for my cancer fighting regime.  This includes, yes, organic and non-GMOs. (you can argue that organic and non-GMOs may cost more, but I consider it an investment.  Besides, it's cheaper than our latest bill from MD Anderson!
3) Removing toxins (environmental, cosmetic, household cleaners, etc.)
4) supplementing for the micronutrients that I may be deficient in (I read a study where every single breast cancer patient was deficient in magnesium)
 5) finding alternate, natural, plant based sources of cleaners and cosmetics.  There is so much research regarding the efficacy of therapeutic grade essential oils (there is some serious science behind this!)
6) managing stress.  I used to disregard the significance of stress because I'm not the personality to sit by the road side and cry, but I am learning about stress in a new way.  If you had someone honking a horn at you every few minutes during the day, you would be stressed.  Based on your personality, you may not visibly react to it, but your body reacts in a 'fight' or 'flight' mode and that is what a 'stressor' is.

As I mentioned, nutrition has been the gateway for learning about overall health and wellness.  In my recent hands on nutrition class one of the first things I taught about was sugar.  Refined white table sugar.  There is zero nutritional value in it.  http://www.westonaprice.org/health-topics/replacing-refined-sugars-with-natural-sugars-one-step-at-a-time/. 

" ...Refined sugar contains no fiber, no minerals, no proteins, no fats, no enzymes, only empty calories. What happens when you eat a refined carbohydrate like sugar? Your body must borrow vital nutrients from healthy cells to metabolize the incomplete food. Calcium, sodium, potassium and magnesium are taken from various parts of the body to make use of the sugar."  http://rense.com/general45/sguar.htm

It only harms.  It is addictive (don't believe me?  just trying cutting out all refined white sugar for just three days)  I'm not talking about sugar in the form of glucose which our bodies need as fuel for our cells (think fruits and veggies).  I'm talking about the refined white table sugar that somehow has found it's way into almost every ingredient label and is in almost every kid cereal, snack bar, drink, sauce, condiment, etc.  Some folks can go cold turkey (cancer was a good motivator for me!), but if you can't go cold turkey, at least limit it.  Maybe you pay attention to labels a little more and choose products that have less than 10g of sugar and gradually decrease from there.  Maybe you go from 3 sodas a week to 1.  Maybe it means dessert after only dinner vs every meal or just four times a week.  Whatever works for you, whatever is achievable, go for it.  We are sugar laden and it is wreaking havoc on our health.  I launched cold turkey into dropping sugar when I learned that sugar fuels cancer.  

Now see how that can sound so judgmental and a bit like 'don't eat this, don't drink that, don't use this, don't, don't, don't...'  So, here's my 'do's'.  In moderation, do use natural sweeteners.  So far I haven't seen research against the use of stevia.  Local raw honey provides nutritional benefits.  Grade B Maple Syrup.  Black Strap Molasses.  Dates.  Just to name a few.  Here is a site with some great information regarding natural sweeteners. http://draxe.com/natural-sweeteners/ 

If you have any more questions regarding sugar, feel free to ask!  If someone who used to have ice with cereal for breakfast can cut out sugar, then so can you.  :)





 

A Little Bit of Help

I'm not sure why I feel so compelled to write this.  It doesn't seem profound.  But this has been such a relevant lesson that I've learned since my diagnosis six months ago.   

I love feeling competent, confident and capable.  It's empowering to feel like you have something to offer, some way to help, something to bring to the table.

I was raised with a strong work ethic and learned responsibility young.  Aside from my girl scout cookie selling fiasco (had something to do with NOT writing down who ordered what and a huge mound of confusion and cookies!), I learned from parents who worked hard, every day, including holidays, to provide a warm bed and meals.

And somehow in the midst of the hard work, my parents instilled a love of sharing with others.  Maybe it's the community they were a part of, but I just grew up enjoying sharing things:  something new that I discovered, yummy food, a great sale and life, in general.  That may sound boastful, but please understand, it's not:  God has slowly, but surely been revealing how this combination of competence, confidence, capability and ability to share somehow became so intertwined with pride.   My big ol', p.r.i.d.e.

When you're diagnosed with cancer and then knocked flat on your tush after surgeries, you learn so much of where your identity is rooted.  Let's face it:  when you've got young kiddos you do need to be capable to a certain point because you are after all, raising souls and that takes a lot of work!  But, I thrived in being able to 'do it all'.  To get it all done.....even if it looked ugly, my mantra was too often 'I can do it'.

My husband describes the time of diagnosis, birth of #5 and recovery from multiple surgeries as a 'full court press' of help from friends and family.  I look back and am amazed that we endured.....but it's much more a testimony of how our community of family and friends deeply loved us in practical, sacrificial ways.  And what a humbling experience it has been.  To be in a place of receiving SO much and not being able to give back revealed a pride that was dug down deep and rooted in my ability to 'do it all'.

I am learning...slowly, but surely.

Last weekend, after we checked out with groceries, someone asked if they could help me to my car.  I automatically started to say 'thanks, but we're good'....and then literally, said "Actually, yes.  That would be awesome."  I could lug kids and groceries to the car.  I could physically do it.  But God just nudged me and said, 'why not accept the help?'.

After getting the kids in bed I returned to the sink to clean up from dinner.  My amazing husband said 'I'll take care of that...why don't you go sit down and relax.'  I automatically started to say 'it's okay...it's not a lot...', but again God whispered 'why don't you go sit down and take a breather.....it's been a l.o.n.g. day'.  And I actually read through SIX magazines that had collected over the past few months!

Yesterday, I pulled into the driveway just in time for one of my kiddos to have a classic puke event.  The type of puke (the word sounds just as yucky as it is, doesn't it???) that gets into all the crevices, cracks, and buckles and you know it's going to be a down and dirty clean up effort (no way I was going to get away with one paper towel for this one!).  At the same time, a friend I admire in many ways, happened to be dropping off some grocery treats.  She asked if she could help.  I automatically wanted to say 'It's okay...it's under control, don't worry about it'.  But she swooped in, helped me unload the kiddos from the car, got them inside while I dealt with removing said pukey kid and car seat.

Recently, we've had a young family of three living with us.  They were in a period of transition between deployment and PCS and we found ourselves with new roommates (I say roommates because they did their own cooking and cleaning and living while we shared fellowship).  It's a gift to be in a place where we can share our home with someone. For our roommates, I think a home and big backyard was a better option than a hotel room for a month.  But there was a huge blessing for us:  to live in community and fellowship.  We each had our own responsibilities and rhythms and routines, which allowed us to share life in a way that doesn't happen very often.  God let us be in a place to finally give back and share, but the blessing was so unexpected!    

So, long story short.  It's a great exercise in humility to be able to accept help.  Again, I don't know why this was on my heart to share, but there it is.  Maybe you're in a season of being the helper.  Maybe it's your season of being the helped.  But in helping and being helped there is somehow a thread of community being woven.  And I think that's one of the many ways God meant for us to live life together.  

Here's a pic of Raleigh, just for fun.  Sittin' up....and yep, me and my orangey hand (still juicing those carrots, y'all!).  

"Say So"

I am overdue with a post.  Not overdue because of time, but overdue in the sense of explaining what has been going on re: cancer treatment.  Many folks have asked me 'what are you doing now?' and geesh, that's a loaded question!  :)

So many posts in the past six months included updates and requests for prayers for lab results, surgeries, recovery, figuring out treatment options/places, etc.  And as we have friends spread across the world, a blog was the best way we could update and keep in touch with everyone.

And since then, as the physical drama wound down, I have had this gnawing fear of posting anything else.

This weekend, Jesus kindly placed that fear front and center (in His clear, yet gentle way).

I had the privilege of going with some friends to hear Beth Moore speak in Albuquerque.  w.o.w.  I had no idea what she would be speaking about, but I knew regardless of whatever it was, she always had amazing insight to share.  And I happily drove off with some amazing, sweet friends while my husband held down the fort with 5 kids, 2 dogs and n.i.n.e. CHICKS!  :)

The theme of the weekend was 'generate' from Psalm 78:-1-7.  Beth went on to elaborate and dissect this word in ways that amazed me....it felt like wave upon wave of insight, conviction and encouragement.  I wish I could share every bit of what she shared, but here are the 7 main points she taught with a brief description (it doesn't even scratch the surface of the depth of insight):

1) Good commands the GENERATION to GENERATE - We are to serve our purpose in this generation and we are being strategically placed as living stones for that purpose.
2) To GENERATE we have to COMMUNICATE - Have boldness to tell our story.  To tell of His goodness.  To tell what He did for me.  To tell of the faithfulness of our God.    
3) ELIMINATE what you don't want to GENERATE - Whatever I possess, I will pass on.  If I don't want to pass it on, eliminate it!
4) Learn to APPRECIATE what is yours to GENERATE - Each of us has something to bring to the table that no one else can.  We have significant stories to tell.  It is not about the degree of my story or talent, it's about Him being with me.
5) To GENERATE, get real and DON'T impersonate - BE REAL
6) To GENERATE, EMULATE what the battle takes to dominate - There is a battle raging all around us and we are called to fight the good fight of faith.  *The only way we can lose it to retreat.*  Get your fight on!
7) Live to GENERATE BOLD FAITH in a God too great to exaggerate - Never cease to believe that God can amaze us with wonders.

Again, that doesn't even scratch the surface of what I learned.  But so much of this hit close to home for me.  Like I said before, there is this gnawing fear in me to avoid sharing about our journey.  One of the biggest reasons?  I fear coming across as judgmental regarding our choice of cancer treatment.  I don't claim to have the only right answer - I just know what we have prayed through and been convicted of.  That's it.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Again, our choice of cancer treatment is not meant to condemn or judge anyone else's choice of treatment.  But *sigh*, I know some will feel like that so I am praying big prayers against it.

Here is the biggest-down-right-honest-stick-with-me-reason:  I fear the battle.  I know that when I take a stand for sharing about Christ, I become a target of the one who seeks to destroy.  The enemy does not play around when fighting against our lives.  He fights dirty and goes after those he feels threatened by.  And the pain of the last six months is still real to me.  In the past six months I have faced my own vulnerability and weakness in such a real way that struck a new depth of fear in me.  I learned in that first surgery where things did not go as planned that the prayer vigil on my behalf was a force to be reckoned with in the heavenlies.  I learned that there was an attack on my physical life that completely blindsided me and made me question 'why are you bothering with me, satan???'.  While my blogging silence has been partly due to the busy pace of life, that has also been a very convenient and sweet excuse to 'fly under the radar'.  There is a time to lick your wounds and take a breather to recover (hello, gift of Sabbath!), but for me, I kind of stretched that out into an excuse to lay low and not attract any heat.

BUT, in every attack, God has been faithful.  He has directed our every step.  From the timing of the diagnosis, to our surgeon-now-friend and his family, to my new-cancer-survivor- friend who put me to sleep and helped keep watch over me, to the full court press of friends and family literally serving us and taking care of us (literally washing my feet, washing my hair, draining fluids out of my body through tubes, scrubbing our floors, feeding my baby!), the countless gifts that poured in as physical reminders of how loved we are and oh yeah, the ANGEL.  In every way, He has provided and been faithful.  And the only reason we can stand and say He is GOOD is because of His Grace.  Nothing else.  And by golly, I do NOT want to find myself in heaven some day, face to face with my Savior and have an iota of regret about not having shared more about His Goodness with more people.

Recently, a dear friend wrote me an e-mail where she said she believed in my healing in her heart of hearts.  (This is the same friend who at a specific point in my deployment prayed for me and later learned that the at the same time, in a different house, her mom had also been convicted to pray for me!)  I felt overwhelmed reading those words.  Hearing her speak the words of life over me through her e-mail was powerful.  I knew that she had been praying for me, but to specifically speak words of life over me was an incredible blessing.  

I don't claim that my story is any more significant than others - and I don't even know what good is being accomplished through sharing my journey.  But I do know Psalm 107:2 says "Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom He has redeemed from the hand of the enemy".  

Of course I am great at second guessing myself and talking myself out of fearful things.  God knows this.  So what did He do?  He brought the message AGAIN this morning at church through our pastor, Ricky who taught about reasons to share the gospel.  To share the story of our fellowship and joy with God and one another.  And in that would our joy be complete.  And I pray to always be transparent in all I do - so that you could see right through me and see Him.  It's a joy that can be summed up in the phrase 'I wish you could have been there'.  It was so awesome - I 'wish you could have been there'.  Like The Angel.  I WISH YOU COULD HAVE SEEN THE ANGEL WITH ME.  IT WAS AWESOME.    

So, here is the quick version and explanation of our current cancer treatment.  After speaking with oncologists and getting second opinions, to include MD Anderson, we had one question that we kept asking.  "What do you think caused my cancer?"  This is important to me because I feel like until I understand what caused it, I won't know how to fight it and prevent it from recurring.  Only 1 out of every 10 cases of breast cancer is genetic.  I have no family history of breast cancer.  None of the doctors we spoke with had an answer for how in the world I developed cancer other than that is was 'sporadic'.  That did not sit well with me.  I don't want to merely 'treat' cancer.  I want to get to the root cause.  As I began researching and looking up more information, I discovered what the alternative community of medical professionals think contribute to cancer.  And all of what I read started coming together and for the first time it actually made 'sense' that I developed cancer.  So many factors that make you vulnerable to cancer applied to me.  I had the perfect storm of conditions for developing cancer.  And that is one of the primary reasons that we started down this path of alternative treatment.  And why I am passionate about teaching hands on nutrition classes - to share what I am learning to help prevent anyone else I know from going through the same thing.  But it is not just nutrition.  Nutrition has been the gateway to holistic health and functional medicine.  And a HUGE praise is that I finally found a doctor last week to work with!  She is an M.D. (retired from being an ER doctor) and transitioned into functional medicine.  I spoke with her and she understood everything I told her and came back with even more information!  My first appointment should be this week and she will do a full workup of labs and then we will take it from there.  So, that's about it in a (long winded) nutshell.  :)  

Our holding pattern and unexpected Grace

I was brought to my knees in tears this morning.  I will get to that in a bit.

It's been an oddly 'normal' week.  I finally feel okay enough to work out and try to get some strength back.  I actually took a shower without any help and dried my hair in the same day (woohoo!!!).  I feel good enough to be schlepping the heavy car seat around during errands with two other littles in tow and manage to get back home without missing anyone or anything!  And I keep thinking, 'this is what a normal day is like'.

We've had plumbing repairs and an isolated one time puker and weeds to pull.  Again, I keep thinking 'this is what a normal day is like'.

                                                          Raleigh Mae rockin' her 'do'.  :)

I have texts and phone calls with friends and e-mails and letters that I'm again, behind on.   'This is what a normal day is like.'

Yet, in the back of my mind, there's a part of me that keeps waiting for more bad news.  Once you've been hit with cancer, you realize how vulnerable we are and how often I take my health for granted.  And even though I am at total peace with our alternate treatment plan I keep thinking 'am I going to find another bump tomorrow??'.  

And I confess that I have often wondered out loud 'why God?'  Not a 'why me?'.  But a 'why'.  What is the purpose of my cancer and how can even this be cultivated for Glory.  Because I believe God is intentional.  My cancer isn't a 'whoops'.  It isn't an accident.  God has a purpose for my cancer for His Glory and my good.  And every day I seek that answer.  But I have to learn to submit to the fact that I may not know that answer until I'm on the other side of heaven.  That is a hard gulp.

What do I do in the meantime?  When I'm with a group of acquaintances and someone comments about something being good/bad for cancer.  Do I speak up?  Be that awkward turtle that says "yep, I heard that, too....and oh by the way, I was diagnosed with breast cancer recently?"  Or what about when I see a lady in the store who is trying on scarves to cover her bald head - do I/can I comment and say 'those colors look great on you....and oh by the way, I know firsthand, too that cancer sucks.'

Not that this is the best movie to draw analogies from, but anyone remember the scene from Pretty Woman when Julia Roberts (I can't remember her character's name) has all this cash to go buy clothes, but is frustrated because she can't figure out how to use it/what to do with it????  That's kind of how I feel in my cancer holding pattern.  What do I do with this crazy cancer?  I don't want it to go to waste - it took much from my physically, so I will be darned if I don't use every ounce of this experience for something far greater.  

Always, God is faithful when I seek.  I've been wrestling with this 'normal' holding pattern and what does He show me in His Word?  STEADFAST.  Over and over again.  STEADFAST.

Psalm 92:1 "It is good to give thanks to the Lord, to sing praises to your name, O most High; to declare your steadfast love in the morning, and your faithfulness by night."

Psalm 94:18 " When I thought my foot slips, your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up."

Psalm 89:14 "steadfast love and faithfulness go before you."

Psalm 115:1 "Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness."

Psalm 117:2 "For great is His steadfast love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever."

Psalm 119: 73-80 "your hands have made me and fashioned me; give me understanding that I may learn your commandments.  Those who fear you shall see me and rejoice because I have hoped in your word.  I know, O Lord, that your rules are righteous, and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me.  Let your steadfast love comfort me according to your promise to your servant.  Let your mercy come to me, that I may live."  

A better movie analogy - in a typical battle scene when a group is charging at another, and the camera zooms in on the leader of a group as he tells his men 'steady...steady...' before they charge.

So for now I am learning to take it one day at a time.  To remain steady in the 'normal'.  

But I keep wondering what God is working right now that I will only realize ten years down the road. What seeds are being planted right now that will be harvested in 10, 20, 30 years?

And this is where I found myself in tears on our garage floor.  Just after I snuck in a quick workout and was checking my e-mail on the way in, I saw an update about Kara Tippetts.  

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2015/03/how-to-recover-the-lost-art-of-dying-well-what-kara-tippetts-taught-us/?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_term=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.aholyexperience.com%2F2015%2F03%2Fhow-to-recover-the-lost-art-of-dying-well-what-kara-tippetts-taught-us%2F&utm_content&utm_campaign=A+Holy+Experience+Blog+Posts

I had listened to an interview with her a while back and someone told me about her blog and her battle with breast cancer several months ago.  Since then, I just didn't have the courage to continue reading her story and updates.  Because her story just hits so close to home for me.  Another young mom.  Another cancer diagnosis.  So much of her story just hit too close for me to bear.  I'm somewhat ashamed to say that I just couldn't bear to read her story.  The emotions were just too raw.  I'm ashamed because  while this warrior was giving all Glory to God, here I was, unable to even read.  When her family was going through their toughest trial, I was too weak to read their story.  I prayed when I thought of her, but I didn't want to know more of her story after I heard that she was on respite care.

And that's when the unexpected happened..... I didn't intend to read an update on her.  But there it was in my inbox, and in those few moments between a workout and waking kids for the day, I ended up in tears, sitting on our garage floor.  Crying because my heart just aches for her family.  Crying because her passing on this earth reminds me that this cancer is real and it just hits too close to home.  Crying with some joy that she is free and celebrating in Heaven with God our Father.  Crying because I imagine our Father cupping her face in His hands and saying 'welcome Home, good and faithful servant'.  She died well because she lived well.  And what a Grace of a reminder that is for me.

So I will trust in Him to be steadfast in these 'normal' days.  By His Grace may we learn to live well and die well.

Welcome Home, Kara.  
http://www.mundanefaithfulness.com/home/2015/3/22/homecoming



 

A Success

In case you haven't noticed by now I'm not a very consistent blogger. :)  I don't even think I qualify as a 'blogger' because I lack consistency.... my husband says I am an 'episodic blogger', though.  Yay - I get my own category!

Anyway, nuances aside, I am overdue in an update!  THANK YOU so much for all your prayers.  The surgery went well and I came home the same day, as planned!  Praise God for a 'boring' surgery.  Given the events of the past few months 'boring' is kind of nice right now.  My surgeon was able to remove the 'bumps' and confirm that they were indeed sutures!  Praise God!  And my bleeding was very normal this time around.  It's funny how major life events came make 'boring' and 'normal' seem so attractive.  :)

So all in all, we call this surgery a success!

And that one sentence seems so simple.  Surgery went well and as planned - a success.  But it doesn't do justice to the hours of appointments, scans, consults, phone calls, tears and prayers that led up to the confirmation of new bumps being nothing more than sutures and surgery going smoothly.  In other words, it's so easy to say - 'yep, it all went well' and not give Glory to the one who soothed every fear, caught every tear, heard every prayer on our behalf.   Thank you Lord, that the bumps are NOT cancer and that the surgery went well.  But above that, Thank you Lord, for being the God who is Maker of the universe and at the same time, 'daddy'.

And how appropriate that our pastor gave a sermon about how we define success.  So much of it was spot on and resonated with me, loud and clear.  I would do a terrible job of repeating his message, but I'll do my best to illustrate it through our situation.

One of my very desperate prayers for the past few months has been that I would beat this cancer.  That I would live to hold my grandchildren and perhaps even their children.  I long to see my children grown and their cultivated souls.  What a gift it would be!  And yet, from the beginning, I've known deep down that that is not what will define ultimate success for us.  Beating cancer sure would be totally awesome (or rad as a friend often says :)), but that is not the ultimate measure of success.

Let me put it this way.  I don't want or intend to look back in 40 years and say 'geesh, 2014 was a rough ride for us....that crazy cancer thing'.  I don't want it to be a mere episode of our lives from which we simply move on and forget.  Neither do I intend to let it be our whole life.  Instead, I want to use it.  Use it for His Glory and our Good.  This diagnosis - as crazy and scary as it is - has a bigger purpose.  I can do everything in my ability to beat this thing and then lay it aside or I can choose to use it.  Use it to point back to Him.

And so the question is how do I define success regarding this diagnosis? It's not just my physical healing at stake.  There is kingdom work to be done.  Regarding success, sometimes we think too small.  i.e. just get married, just find a good job, just buy a house, just stinkin' beat cancer!  But God whispers all that time that there is more.  Much more than just our physical here and now.  There are souls to be saved to celebrate and sing with in heaven.

Here's a quote from our pastor "some of the worst circumstances of our lives open the doors for access to the gospel work".  I can attest to that.  The past few months have been by far, the hardest trial of our lives.  And yet, it has opened many many doors to relating with folks in deep, real, meaningful, God-filled, intentional, eternity-worthy relationships.

I don't know if the end of this journey will end in successfully beating cancer ( though I pray HARD for that!); but I do know what success will look like:  If in the end, when all is said and done, we have fought the good fight and used our heart, soul and mind to point others to Him.

So, in the meantime, I am going to start sharing everything I've learned about health and wellness through local classes.  Again, food does not, cannot, will not save you.  Our only Savior is Jesus Christ.  Can I get an Amen???  :)  That said, the human body is intricately designed and I am passionate about sharing how we can be good stewards of our bodies - for His Glory and our good.  The classes are a progress in the making, but I'm trusting God that it is the first step towards success.  :)

One of the perks of currently living in the southwest:  I get to chop 

veggies outside in the sun while watching the kiddos run around.  

       

   

A little of this, A lot of that.

The 'eve' of surgery is beginning to be a familiar feeling...not one that I like, though!  How do I feel right now?  A little of this - jitters, a lot of that - gratitude.

Jitters because this is my third surgery in three months and instead of my pain tolerance getting better, it's getting worse.  Seriously, I find it odd that I am growing more sensitive to pain rather than used to it.  Before I could endure a few sticks/attempts at getting in an IV...now I wince at one little needle.  And things went wrong during the first surgery that no one anticipated.....and it reminds me just how much I am not in control.  At all.

Gratitude because every time the nervousness and anxiety wells up inside me I get constant reminders of the prayers covering us.  Between Scripture, texts, e-mails and phone calls and wonderful surprise packages I'm reminded that we are not forgotten or alone in this.  It keeps me grounded.  Helps me pay attention to the everyday things.....and we have some genuinely sweet and hilarious everyday things around here.

 Gotta love this outfit....her pajamas bottoms, sister's dress, another sister's sweater, brother's rubber band gun, my heels and dad's nutella.  This was a pretty complete outfit in her book.  :)  

SHE POOPED IN THE POTTY!!!!!  

  Sweet Raleigh Mae....still sportin' her faux hawk.  :)  

Friday was a good day for us.....followed by some heartache.  It was good because we received some consensus that these bumps are 'most likely' sutures holding my graft together.  Yay for sutures - I'll take those any day over tumors!  But heartache followed that evening when we found out another dear friend was just diagnosed as well with breast cancer.  Ugh.  It makes me mad.  Makes me furious that another friend has to endure this.  Makes my heart ache because I know the journey they are now following.

And yet, here she is encouraging me in profound ways:  here's a quote from what she wrote and later said again over the phone (referring to God's orchestration of all things ) "...that He would be so kind to allow us to serve Him together with you both years ago for a foundation to serve Him together again in this time."  I've been thinking about that over and over again....

That we get to serve through this trial.

And that's part of my intent through sharing in this blog...to somehow, through His sovereign grace, serve you.  To provide raw honesty and show that the Christian life is not a bed of roses - He never promised that.  But He is Good.  Crazy Good in how He reveals mercy after mercy.  And shows me one of His angels.  Oh, that angel.  Because even though cancer stinks, He is still crazy Good.  

So, I will be at the hospital around 5:30 tomorrow morning...Rich will arrive by 7:30 and surgery should hopefully be around 8:00 or 8:30.  This should be much 'simpler'.  Yay - let's just have a boring 'ol routine surgery, eh?  And we're all proceeding with caution since results on my bleeding disorder are still out.  We have quite the combination of amazing friends watching our kiddos for the day.  Please pray that I can be back home tomorrow evening after a really boring surgery and for our friends who are helping watch our crew.  And can I ask you to specifically lift up my friend - let's just call her 's' for now.  :)  They have a big day tomorrow as well as scans and appt with their surgeon.  

I have no idea how to make this happen, but I pray that somehow what is shared on this blog blesses you.  Because as my friend said, we get to serve through this experience.  All for His Glory through our good.

Amen.