I love feeling competent, confident and capable. It's empowering to feel like you have something to offer, some way to help, something to bring to the table.
I was raised with a strong work ethic and learned responsibility young. Aside from my girl scout cookie selling fiasco (had something to do with NOT writing down who ordered what and a huge mound of confusion and cookies!), I learned from parents who worked hard, every day, including holidays, to provide a warm bed and meals.
And somehow in the midst of the hard work, my parents instilled a love of sharing with others. Maybe it's the community they were a part of, but I just grew up enjoying sharing things: something new that I discovered, yummy food, a great sale and life, in general. That may sound boastful, but please understand, it's not: God has slowly, but surely been revealing how this combination of competence, confidence, capability and ability to share somehow became so intertwined with pride. My big ol', p.r.i.d.e.
When you're diagnosed with cancer and then knocked flat on your tush after surgeries, you learn so much of where your identity is rooted. Let's face it: when you've got young kiddos you do need to be capable to a certain point because you are after all, raising souls and that takes a lot of work! But, I thrived in being able to 'do it all'. To get it all done.....even if it looked ugly, my mantra was too often 'I can do it'.
My husband describes the time of diagnosis, birth of #5 and recovery from multiple surgeries as a 'full court press' of help from friends and family. I look back and am amazed that we endured.....but it's much more a testimony of how our community of family and friends deeply loved us in practical, sacrificial ways. And what a humbling experience it has been. To be in a place of receiving SO much and not being able to give back revealed a pride that was dug down deep and rooted in my ability to 'do it all'.
I am learning...slowly, but surely.
Last weekend, after we checked out with groceries, someone asked if they could help me to my car. I automatically started to say 'thanks, but we're good'....and then literally, said "Actually, yes. That would be awesome." I could lug kids and groceries to the car. I could physically do it. But God just nudged me and said, 'why not accept the help?'.
After getting the kids in bed I returned to the sink to clean up from dinner. My amazing husband said 'I'll take care of that...why don't you go sit down and relax.' I automatically started to say 'it's okay...it's not a lot...', but again God whispered 'why don't you go sit down and take a breather.....it's been a l.o.n.g. day'. And I actually read through SIX magazines that had collected over the past few months!
Yesterday, I pulled into the driveway just in time for one of my kiddos to have a classic puke event. The type of puke (the word sounds just as yucky as it is, doesn't it???) that gets into all the crevices, cracks, and buckles and you know it's going to be a down and dirty clean up effort (no way I was going to get away with one paper towel for this one!). At the same time, a friend I admire in many ways, happened to be dropping off some grocery treats. She asked if she could help. I automatically wanted to say 'It's okay...it's under control, don't worry about it'. But she swooped in, helped me unload the kiddos from the car, got them inside while I dealt with removing said pukey kid and car seat.
Recently, we've had a young family of three living with us. They were in a period of transition between deployment and PCS and we found ourselves with new roommates (I say roommates because they did their own cooking and cleaning and living while we shared fellowship). It's a gift to be in a place where we can share our home with someone. For our roommates, I think a home and big backyard was a better option than a hotel room for a month. But there was a huge blessing for us: to live in community and fellowship. We each had our own responsibilities and rhythms and routines, which allowed us to share life in a way that doesn't happen very often. God let us be in a place to finally give back and share, but the blessing was so unexpected!
So, long story short. It's a great exercise in humility to be able to accept help. Again, I don't know why this was on my heart to share, but there it is. Maybe you're in a season of being the helper. Maybe it's your season of being the helped. But in helping and being helped there is somehow a thread of community being woven. And I think that's one of the many ways God meant for us to live life together.
Here's a pic of Raleigh, just for fun. Sittin' up....and yep, me and my orangey hand (still juicing those carrots, y'all!).
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