A little of this, A lot of that.

The 'eve' of surgery is beginning to be a familiar feeling...not one that I like, though!  How do I feel right now?  A little of this - jitters, a lot of that - gratitude.

Jitters because this is my third surgery in three months and instead of my pain tolerance getting better, it's getting worse.  Seriously, I find it odd that I am growing more sensitive to pain rather than used to it.  Before I could endure a few sticks/attempts at getting in an IV...now I wince at one little needle.  And things went wrong during the first surgery that no one anticipated.....and it reminds me just how much I am not in control.  At all.

Gratitude because every time the nervousness and anxiety wells up inside me I get constant reminders of the prayers covering us.  Between Scripture, texts, e-mails and phone calls and wonderful surprise packages I'm reminded that we are not forgotten or alone in this.  It keeps me grounded.  Helps me pay attention to the everyday things.....and we have some genuinely sweet and hilarious everyday things around here.

 Gotta love this outfit....her pajamas bottoms, sister's dress, another sister's sweater, brother's rubber band gun, my heels and dad's nutella.  This was a pretty complete outfit in her book.  :)  

SHE POOPED IN THE POTTY!!!!!  

  Sweet Raleigh Mae....still sportin' her faux hawk.  :)  

Friday was a good day for us.....followed by some heartache.  It was good because we received some consensus that these bumps are 'most likely' sutures holding my graft together.  Yay for sutures - I'll take those any day over tumors!  But heartache followed that evening when we found out another dear friend was just diagnosed as well with breast cancer.  Ugh.  It makes me mad.  Makes me furious that another friend has to endure this.  Makes my heart ache because I know the journey they are now following.

And yet, here she is encouraging me in profound ways:  here's a quote from what she wrote and later said again over the phone (referring to God's orchestration of all things ) "...that He would be so kind to allow us to serve Him together with you both years ago for a foundation to serve Him together again in this time."  I've been thinking about that over and over again....

That we get to serve through this trial.

And that's part of my intent through sharing in this blog...to somehow, through His sovereign grace, serve you.  To provide raw honesty and show that the Christian life is not a bed of roses - He never promised that.  But He is Good.  Crazy Good in how He reveals mercy after mercy.  And shows me one of His angels.  Oh, that angel.  Because even though cancer stinks, He is still crazy Good.  

So, I will be at the hospital around 5:30 tomorrow morning...Rich will arrive by 7:30 and surgery should hopefully be around 8:00 or 8:30.  This should be much 'simpler'.  Yay - let's just have a boring 'ol routine surgery, eh?  And we're all proceeding with caution since results on my bleeding disorder are still out.  We have quite the combination of amazing friends watching our kiddos for the day.  Please pray that I can be back home tomorrow evening after a really boring surgery and for our friends who are helping watch our crew.  And can I ask you to specifically lift up my friend - let's just call her 's' for now.  :)  They have a big day tomorrow as well as scans and appt with their surgeon.  

I have no idea how to make this happen, but I pray that somehow what is shared on this blog blesses you.  Because as my friend said, we get to serve through this experience.  All for His Glory through our good.

Amen.    

Just Wait.....

 I apologize in advance that this post is long, but I wanted to include all these details.

What a week it has been....a week ago, I found two more bumps that felt so similar to the original tumor.  It set off a series of phone calls and e-mails with various doctors and clinics trying to get an appointment and exam before the next surgery coming up this Wednesday.

I'll spare you all the details of trying to coordinate between various doctors and offices, but bottom line is we were able to get an appointment with my plastic surgeon on Monday and an ultrasound at an outside clinic on Tuesday.  It was big to get that lined up so quickly.

Leading up to Monday's appointment with my plastic surgeon, "Dr. Z", I lost count of how many times I prayed "Thank you Lord that this is NOT cancer".  Every single time my mind started to stray into the 'what ifs' and I felt the fear creeping in, I just repeated that over and over and over.  I actually lost count in the first 24 hours.  Having that prayer, that anchor, kept me from unraveling all weekend.

This was from my quiet time Monday morning:  I'm not sure it'll make sense to anyone else, but basically, God spoke something very convicting to me:  the 'peace that passes all understanding' is supernatural and also at the same time a discipline.  In other words, I have to anchor my mind in truth, in scripture, which tells us about the peace of God.  And once I root my mind in that truth about the peace and protection of God, the discipline of peace follows.  I'm not sure if that make sense at all to anyone else, but it felt so clear to me that morning...and so I kept repeating that prayer.  Thank you Lord that this is NOT cancer!'.

Once Dr. Z examined me he said he was 'pretty confident' that the bumps were the knots from the suture that are holding my grafts in place.  What a sigh of relief....nothing would be sure until the ultrasound, but I'll take 'pretty confident'!

Next we had the ultrasound at an outside clinic....this is important to mention because when I originally called for an appointment at our regular radiology clinic nothing was available for three weeks.  (Rich sent an e-mail to all the docs involved and explained the situation, but we never heard anything back...it was Friday...I just simply got a phone call from this outside clinic and they set me up with the Tuesday appointment.)

Now comes the fun part.  I was told the ultrasound results would be ready by Thursday.....yesterday.  My quiet time from Thursday morning included Psalm 130:5 "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I hope."  And I read in Hebrews 4 about 'rest'.  My commentary provided this insight:  the 'rest of God' is from a Hebrew verb "shabath"/Sabbath....which means to 'cease, desist, rest'.  I just figured 'yep, got it....wait...which I have been doing and am glad we find out results today!'.  But what a day it was.  I got three phone calls from the regular radiology clinic offering me an earlier appointment...each time I told them 'um.. I already had the ultrasound done two days ago at the outside clinic'.  Then I spent a couple hours trying to track down my images/results.  Someone stood in front of me and physically saw my CD with the images and said I would receive a phone call in a few hours.  By the end of day, after a few more phone calls, it turned out that for some reason no one could find my CD anymore.  Yup, they somehow disappeared.

At this point I just felt like crying.  And I did.  I had been holding my breath while praying the same prayer over and over again and was just so stinkin' frustrated and disappointed that we had no information.  And all this happened about an hour before we were supposed to be at a fundraiser dinner for Young Life.  Quite frankly, I did not want to go.  I just wanted to pull on some pj's and crawl into bed and I kept asking God "why do you want me to wait????"  "why do I have to keep waiting???"  After managing to finally find something to wear (yep...more tears....finding an outfit to fit my post 4 month baby body and 'half finished girls' was a bad combination with the let down of no results), we headed off (also the first time we had a baby sitter put all five kiddos to bed!).

And this is where I heard God whisper in a new way "just wait".  See, it wasn't 'just wait' in the way I try to buy a few more minutes when my kiddos are asking me for a snack (10 minutes after breakfast!) or when I'm trying to stall.  It was a 'just wait and see what I have in store for you' kind of whisper.

Our guest speaker for the banquet was Kevin Sorbo.  He played the professor in God's Not Dead and years ago played Hercules.  He shared a story that totally surprised me.  He's recently written a book about this and apparently what he shared is something that not many folks know...until now.  During his series where he played Hercules, while in his mid 30's he had THREE strokes that completely disabled him.      

What?!?  Hercules had three strokes in his mid-30's???  And now he's here standing in front of us sharing his testimony!  To hear his journey of recovery and to see and hear him share his testimony was unbelievably encouraging to me.  I can't explain why....but it just felt like God saying "See, this is tough, but you're going to get through this...I am for you.  And I will use your struggle for my Glory through your good. "  Geesh.  If Hercules went through three strokes in his mid 30's and God can use it for His Glory then I guess I can have breast cancer in my mid 30's and God will use this, too.  That's a bit short of poetic analogy, but it just resonated with me.

And so finally, today, after more phone calls and searching for my images, they finally found them!!!  And just before the end of the day, my oncologist called with the results.  Based on the images and what Dr. Z said, everyone is fairly confident that these bumps are the sutures holding my grafts in place.  WHEW.  THANK YOU LORD THAT THIS IS NOT CANCER.  I get to use all caps for that!  :)  And get this:  no one knows how I got that ultrasound appointment with the outside clinic!

What I learned about God:  that He is indeed for me.  He works in mysterious ways (how did I get that ultrasound appointment???).  And His ways are not my ways.  Just wait....and see what I have in store for you!

What I learned about myself:  the discipline of peace is far from developed in me....I have a long way to go.  And for now I have to choose His peace.  Even if it means I just keep repeating the same line over and over and over.  And I have to trust Him when He says 'wait'.  I cannot force or make anything happen with enough phone calls or e-mails.  I can 'rest' because He is for me.

So, we are still a 'go' for surgery this Wednesday.  As of now, we're proceeding with caution under the assumption that I have a slight bleeding disorder (still waiting on a few more labs to confirm whether or not I have Von Willenbrand's).  We appreciate prayers for a smooth procedure, confirmation that these bumps are indeed just sutures and no more transfusions.  This lady ain't got time for more drama in the OR!  :)

THANK YOU LORD THAT THIS IS NOT CANCER!

To Feast

My heart is kind of heavy as I write this....I had originally intended to share something that God spoke to my heart earlier today.  Then we had a turn of events.  And I need to share about that.  But I feel led to write about what was originally on my heart first....and I trust that God will connect it all somehow.

For the past couple years I have been wanting to know more about the significance of the number '40' in the bible.  It is used in so many ways - 40 days/years..., anointing, cleansing, wilderness, the flood, temptation, etc.  and of course Lent, too.  And with Lent it's often associated with some form of self denial.... I don't know the history or background of how Lent developed into what many now consider a time of self denial while anticipating Easter.  (anyone have a great study or insight on 40 feel free to let me know! :)).  It reminds me of Adam and Eve in the garden....how they got so distracted with the one thing God told them 'not to do' and lost sight of all that they could do.  It made me think of all the 'things' we often decide to give up for Lent...there's a lot to choose from!  And in contrast to that - the 'not to do's', I was reminded of a verse from a song we sang in church this weekend.... a 'to do'.

To Feast on His Grace.  I don't remember the name of the song or any of the other lyrics, but that line convicted me.  Scripture reminds us that His mercies are new every morning.  Every single morning, they are made new for us.  A whole new, undepletable (I may have just made that word up) vat of mercies.  And so we get to feast.  Feast on His Grace.  Because it won't run out on us.  We don't have to ration His Grace.  We don't have to budget His Grace for fear that tomorrow there won't be enough left.  We don't have to save up and 'hoard' His Grace just in case we stumble too bad and incur more debt than there is Grace.

I don't have to keep a reserve of Grace.  We are meant to feast on His Grace - and in that way come to know Him better, more intimately.  So, I can hold my tongue and tone with the kids when my head hurts from the ruckus because Grace is available.  I can refrain from using that condescending tone and instead draw on His deep well of Grace.  I can keep my mind from the judgemental thoughts because the Feast of His Grace has been laid before me.  So, during this Lent, I don't have to concentrate only on what 'not to do/eat/say/eat/use'....I can also learn to Feast on His Grace.

And I believe that somewhere deep this was laid on my heart this morning because He knew what my afternoon would hold.

I found another bump.  Through a random brushing of my fingers I felt a small bump.  In my heart and mind I am screaming "there is NO way.  just NO way.  Just NO way this can be another tumor".  It is on the left side which they biopsied as well after surgery and found no cancerous cells.  And all the tissue was removed.  Yet I can't deny that the bump feels too much the same as the original tumor.

It's ironic:  we had an appointment with my plastic surgeon earlier this week and unexpectedly set a for another surgery in two weeks (it's earlier than we had anticipated because he is retiring and we wanted to find a way for him to do the surgery to stay with a consistent team...and oh yeah, because I am a bleeder).   I was meaning to write an update on that because I just feel so weary of surgeries.  And I'm having tests done to see if I have a bleeding disorder since I required so many transfusions last time.   Who knew all of that would seem minor compared to finding another bump.

My fear seems almost bigger this time.  Because I know everything that another tumor would entail.  Knowing is worse in this case.  And when a tumor comes back a second time it's usually not milder...and it means it would have spread quickly.  Too quickly.  Even if we had decided to start chemo, that would have only been last week.  Now we have to wait to hear back from my doctor to get the ball rolling on figuring out what this bump is.

My warrior friends remind me of His promises.  His Hope. The 'sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain.'  (Hebrews 6:19)  And again, a gentle reminder to pick up my courage.  To "be strong and courageous...for it is the Lord your God who goes with you.  He will not leave you or forsake you. '   (Deuteronomy 31:6)

So I am making a brave choice.  One that forces me to feast on His Grace.  This is scary for me.  This makes me feel so vulnerable.  Because I don't know the outcome.  But here goes:  I will not only pray that this is not another cancer.  I am vulnerably/awkwardly praying with expectation.  Praying with thanks that He will answer our prayer that this is not cancer that has spread.  Every time the fear mounts, I will utter words of thanks for allowing this bump to be something other than cancer.  For His Grace is more than enough.

Will you Feast on His Grace with me?            

Door A or B

"seriously?"  I asked the lab tech if that was really how much blood she needed to take.... it must have seemed like a lot to her, too, or maybe just to appease me, she asked her supervisor if she had to fill all those tubes.  Yup.  All 12 tubes need to be filled!

I know there are some who wouldn't think twice of that much blood being drawn, but whew, that surprised me....

And we were surprised again during our trip last week to MD Anderson.

I was a bundle of nerves....we were going to see the experts on cancer...but so many folks told us about their amazing experiences at MD Anderson so in the back of my mind I expected that we would walk out with a sense of peace.

My deep-down-gut-honest prayer from the beginning has been that I don't have to like our treatment options, I just need a peace about it.  It's how we wrestled through options regarding surgery... lumpectomy, mastectomy, bilateral mastectomy.... not easy questions and in the end I can fully say that I did NOT like having a bilateral mastectomy, but God gave us 100% peace about it.  I don't think one decision over the other is right or wrong...it was/is all about seeking His wisdom regarding our decisions.

And in the same way, we have been praying over our treatment options.  A third surgery, chemo, chemo + radiation.... I have asked God that if it was possible, remove chemo and radiation from our path, but if it is the way to go then I just asked for a peace about it.  And that is what MD Anderson was about.  We went to the experts and I anticipated walking out of there at peace about chemo and coming home ready to get the ball rollin'.

Oddly, we walked out after our first morning less convinced than when we walked in regarding the chemo route.  Yup.  I say odd because we had such different expectations and came away with the opposite.   Rich and I actually looked at each other and said 'did we miss something???'  It was so odd.  I still think it was a really odd experience because I anticipated such the opposite.  Again, it was ODD.  

I won't go into all the details regarding our 'odd' experience....this is not a critique of the facility by any means (they actually have a fantastic learning resources library filled with books on cancer that you can check out and return via a prepaid envelope!  Yay for not having to search and search through books to find the right ones - they were all there!  Including medical/research articles that the lady copied for us!).  We did gain some more information regarding statistics, second opinion on pathology, etc.  But in the end, it all added up to a very odd-wow-I'm-not-too-convinced-about-chemo experience.

Can I be clear here in stating that I wanted to be convinced?  I wanted a peace about it.  In some ways, chemo is simpler and a bit more straightforward.  I'm not saying it's a walk in the park...at all... just that the path is laid out for you and you have someone guiding you through the process and everyone pretty much approves.  For the most part, there is a beginning and end.  Again, I am not saying chemo is easier... it  just seems more straightforward to me.  As you guessed by now, going the alternate route has a lot more uncertainty....and disapproval.

God surely convicted my heart this morning.  I still find it a bit surreal that we walked out of MD Anderson without the sense of peace that we had anticipated (and even hoped/prayed for).... and I have been too nervous to tell folks that we are pursuing an aggressive alternate route.  Because.  I fear you.  Yup you.  Your disapproval.  There I said it.... I fear disapproval from everyone around me who will think we're absolutely nuts and will basically count down the time til they can say 'see, didn't work out for 'ya, did it?'  And God gave me a big gut check.  Who do I fear most?  Man or God?  And apparently, I may not have my priorities in order.  The support of our family and friends has been AMAZING.  Absolutely AMAZING.  And I do fear losing support and credibility and the criticism that may follow this post.  But above all, I am reminded that God is for us.  And if He is for us, who can be against us?  :)

And because He is for us, He will not let us choose the wrong path.  WHEW.  When I remember that, I am able to breathe a bit more deeply.  He promises us.  In the same way that I'll let my kids explore and learn a new skill while I keep a close eye on them, ready to redirect if need be.  I would never willingly let my kiddos choose a harmful path.  And golly, He loves us more than I love my kids.  That's a biiiiiig , righteous kind of love.

Psalm 31: 3  "for you are my rock and fortress; and for your name's sake you lead me and guide me;"

Psalm 31: 14 "but I trust in You, O Lord, I say You are my God, my times are in your hand."

Isaiah 30:21 "And you ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, 'this is the way, walk in it', when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left."  

And in the midst of the cancer battle, I am asking for prayer again...for wisdom beyond our years.  Though this battle may seem like the priority for the time being, I know that there may be seemingly smaller, simultaneous and subtle fights to be on guard against.  When you fight a big campaign, often you leave another area vulnerable....  and that comes in many different forms:  letting fear creep in and get a hold, insecurity, self righteousness, pride, etc...I have lots I can add to the list!

If someone had asked me from the beginning which would you rather choose? Door A - it includes a pretty good understanding of God/relationship with Him and no cancer.  or Door B - it includes an deeper, richer understanding of God ..but also includes cancer (to make it better I'll throw in an angel for you :)).  To be very honest and transparent - I would have chosen Door A.  Yup - safe.

I think there will be many turns, twists and curves in this journey.  And who knows, maybe choosing an aggressive alternate route is the way God is leading me to chemo.  I just don't know.  We can only trust as He reveals one step after another.  And I know that the end result is already secured.  It's the journey to the end that we are walking in faith...frightening faith!  We'll look back someday and see an amazing path that He carved out for us.  Until then, just one step at a time.

            

Food and Grace.

I know I've mentioned food and nutrition several times....and it currently consumes a good portion of my time and energy (which again, I have a LOT of).  Yet, I want to throw out a huge, bbiiiiiig disclaimer.  It's just food.  Sure, I am learning and believe that we can use certain foods/combinations of foods to heal our bodies and restore health, but it's just f.o.o.d.

What I mean is this:  what we eat and don't eat/how we eat is not a matter of salvation.  Let me say that loud and clear:  FOOD IS NOT A MATTER OF SALVATION.  Do I believe that our mental, physical, emotional and spiritual state and discipline are all connected and affect each other?  Yup - so how we eat can/does affect other areas of our life... but food in and of itself does not determine whether you dine on shrimp in hell or manna in heaven.  I hope I have made that perfectly clear.

See, it's easy to grasp at something when you see so much good in it....so much goodness to be obtained from it.  I am personally experiencing the positive effects of a different 'diet' and am so excited to share this with others...., but it is not my life theme or my mission to change people's eating habits.  And that is a tough balance to maintain.  But when we grasp at something other than God and His Goodness for us, we let it rule us.  We become slaves to it.  We begin to worship it.  Slowly.  Sometimes without even realizing it.  Whatever your 'it' may be.  It's easy to become legalistic about what I eat.  Afterall, I'm trying to fight cancer!  But I have found grace in cancer and wouldn't I be an utter fool to then fall slave to my food that I'm using to fight it?  That was a mouthful, but I hope that makes sense.  (I just reread that to see if it makes sense. :)).

And grace in cancer?  Yup.  It's sometimes hard to say, but I'm reminded of it daily.  Because the harsh reality is that we are all dying.... every day from our birth we get one day closer to our last day. And we have so many distractions to keep us from thinking about that fact that we truly have limited days here on earth and we don't know when that last day will be.  I've let my attitude, frustrations and quick temperedness reflect my belief that I take the day for granted.  But Cancer Grace (CG?), makes me constantly reevaluate how I treat others...especially those closest to me (because aren't the ones closest to us the ones who normally take the brunt of our yuckiness?).

So, yes, CG.  Cancer Grace.  I have been given this incredible opportunity of grace...and to then fall slave to food would be such a disgrace.  It would be like taking this gift from God and tossing it over my shoulder absentmindedly into a mud pit.

So, that was a long disclaimer, but I felt convicted to make that clear.  As clear as I can.

And with that out of the way, I am learning more and more about food and nutrition everyday...to heal and protect our bodies from the inside out...to minimize the need for intervention with conventional drugs/surgeries...or to work in conjunction with and enhance the efficacy of drugs/surgery.

But like I mentioned before:  my job is not to change anyone.  Whew.  Just saying that takes a load off!  It's what my fear in pursuing food/nutrition/medicine is linked to.  That I won't be effective.  But I heard someone quote Andy Stanley in saying that our job isn't to change others...we just merely need to pour out what we have into others.  That's all.  That's all I have to do.  Instead of grasping at 'good' things and letting fear be my strategy, I just need to pour out what I have.

I read these lyrics from a hymn:  Heaven Came Down and Glory Filled My Soul.  The elegant simplicity of that hit me.  Heave Came Down (to us).  and Glory Filled My Soul.  The next logical step is to pour out that Glory into others.  As Larry Crabb stated in a devotional, when we give up grasping for things (even good things), we begin to see how we can give and truly live.  

So sit back and relax....when I tout more cool 'food' stuff, know that I don't consider it a marker of how 'good' you are.  No pressure folks.  I have just been handed this gift into discovering some really cool things about the science behind food and nutrition and I'm just excited to share.  That's all.  To God and only God be all Glory.  Through my good and for His Glory.  Because He is crazy Good like that.

Happy Friday y'all!  

And here's a pic for a dose of humor.... because apparently my 'girls' will set off the scanners while we travel this weekend...too bad I don't have this shirt yet!  :)

      

Many Different Names

It's kind of funny....when you have cancer, lots of different folks come to visit you.  :)

And through the different folks that have visited, I realize that I have a lot of different names!  To my parents I am Jennifer or Jae Yun (my Korean name), my high school friends and cousins call me Jenny, some of my college friends call me Jo-Jo, some of post college friends call me Jennyjo or the most common one is Jen.  Yup - lots o different names, eh?  And when I hear each one, it has a different feel/aspect of my personality, but I'm still the same person.

In the same way, God has so many different names/ways and is yet, always God.  Perfect and complete.  Not lacking anything.  He attends to matters of the universe and also speaks to my heart's deepest desires in the same moment....and does it for millions of others.  He hears my nervous soul as I face down more needles and at the same time is rescuing someone across the world and sustains our universe.  And that matters.  It matters because He is a relational God .... every bit of His rescue plan to save our lives is relational.  It happened through a person - God incarnate  - for people, us - for His Glory.

And so I take this crazy cancer ride and realize that there is much of it to be used for relational reasons.  I don't get to bury my head and seal myself off from the world.  I have to take the hits, blows and setbacks.... let them ferment into strength, resilience, faith and then pour it into others for His Glory.  I'm just convinced of this.

Because I can't just talk the talk about how God is revealing mercy after mercy in this battle and then store it all up for myself, right?

I was part of a 'Be Brave Collective' Dinner the other night...everyone shared something brave they want to pursue in the next six months and the idea is that we encourage one another and keep each other accountable.  My 'Brave' that I shared is inspired from a wise friend who has encouraged me over and over again to 'pick up my courage.'  It doesn't just happen - we have to be intentional about what to pursue.  I am afraid to plan and dream of my future....it is a deep fear because I may look the fool when the time comes because I have no idea what this cancer will do to me.  So I have decided to take a deep breath, gulp and go for it - make a future plan/goal.  Cancer will be part of my life from now on....but not my whole life.

As I shared earlier I am radically changing my diet and pursuing a nutritional healing while we wait for the second opinion from MDA.  This doesn't mean I take a sip of apple cider vinegar a day and call it good.  :)  I am learning and researching so much about how to make every bit of food we consume useful for our bodies... because in the end, my body is not my own. I am merely a steward of the body God gave me and I need to take care of it.  And my goal/brave in the next six months is to pursue/work towards medical/nutritional education and pour it out on others.  I'm encouraged because I have a ridiculous amount of energy for having had a baby and two surgeries... I almost feel guilty for how much energy I have.  :)  I have a love and deep appreciate for modern medicine - it has saved my life in the past.  And let's face it, no amount of carrot juice is going to heal a broken finger!  But I am also discovering the science behind how we can use our food to prevent and heal many diseases.

I read Psalm 113:9 the other day (can you tell I've been reading LOTS of Psalm!):  "He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children."  The footnote had this:  "God's majesty never implies his remoteness....it instead implies his EXHAUSTIVE attention to detail and His exhaustive ability to care for the faithful. "  

And so I pray for the 'majesty' of my healing....to be cancer free and cured.. yet, I also know there is more to come from this journey... so many details and mercies that are new every morning and waiting to be discovered.

Our appt with MDA is next week, Feb. 2nd.  I am excited, but also dread it.  To be fully immersed in 'cancer world', go through more tests/procedures, away from the kids (again) and sort through all the new terms/acronyms and be reminded every minute of this disease that threatens my life.  I am excited, though, to get the second opinion and hear what the experts have to say/offer.  Please pray for the details of our travel, childcare (grandparents are going to hold down the fort for the first time on their own with five kiddos!), specific doctors that will be assigned to us and our discernment and encouragement and leading one way or the other.

Oh, and while we're at it, prayer request for the 'little things'.  I am going through the phased reconstruction... I still have limited amounts of feeling...and my shape/size is changing... and I'm so constantly paranoid of a 'mrs. doubtfire' moment...remember?  When Robin Williams doesn't realize his fake breasts are on fire?  yup...  I'm praying against any really, really awkward moments.  :)  

Much Love from Jennifer, Jenny, Jae, Jennyjo, Jo-Jo, Jen.  :)

Leaning In

First off, my apologies for being delinquent with an update....  last week I jumped back into the full routine and I was running a bit slower than normal (actually, there was NO jumping or running, but you know what I mean :)).  :)  It has been good to get back to focusing on the 'regular' routine around here....the stuff that is normal...but living through the lens of fighting cancer, I welcome 'routine' and 'normal'.

In the last post I mentioned that we are researching and waiting for a referral before deciding on which route to choose regarding treatment.  Going nuclear or natural.

The research and wait still continues....

We had originally been waiting on a referral to a place in Phoenix that does offer conventional treatment, but also incorporates a whole body/holistic/natural approach.  I was really excited to meet with the doctors there and hear what they had to say/offer.... it was only a matter of waiting to get the official authorization and appointment.

One morning last week I was reading in Psalms and a few different devotionals and EVERYWHERE I read one theme kept repeating itself... "wait patiently in the Lord".  Seriously, I'm pretty sure I read it at least six times.  I understood it to mean that we'll get the appointment when the time is right.... but a few hours later I got a phone call saying that the place in Phoenix no longer accepted our insurance as of the 1st of the year.  Seriously?? And this would set the whole process back a week or two.  I was disappointed, but honestly, felt such a peace to accept the closed door.  Isn't God good?  He prepared me that morning with every time that I read "wait patiently in the Lord".  So, I figured that is a very clear 'NO' to Phoenix.  I was disappointed, but so very at peace with trusting that this is for a reason.

Last Sunday at church, our pastor spoke about 'Investing Forever'.  It's similar to a really wise saying I learned from my husband's grandparents... 'invest in things of eternal worth'.  I go back to that saying so often regarding our time, money, resources, relationships, etc.  And it has SO much more meaning when you are fighting a disease like cancer.  Take what is temporary and invest it for eternal worth.  That sure is a challenge.  A daunting challenge.  One in which I often wonder if we are doing well.  And then he said something that planted joy and hope:  "He leans forward to rejoice in our work"( Just to highlight one example..those adoptive and foster parents out there - whew.  You blow me away constantly in how well you do this... but everyone does this...with your biological kids, your work, your ministry, etc.)  

Geesh!  Really??  Yes, He leans in and is ready to rejoice in what we do!  See, I've often caught myself thinking 'umm...I hope this is right...Hope you like this God, or well, at least I'm giving it my best effort...'  I've often cringed, wondering if what we did pleased Him.  But I was reminded that He is FOR us....He leans forward to rejoice!  Psalm 56: 9 "This I know, that God is for me"

And it brought me back to our decision regarding going nuclear or natural.  In a sense, it boils down to this:  if I do chemo and radiation and the cancer returns, then we can just say the treatment didn't work/the cancer was just too aggressive.  If I go the natural route and it doesn't work, that rests on my shoulders.  Does that make sense?  Yes, I absolutely dread doing chemo and radiation, but I am also terrified of choosing the natural option, hoping and praying it works and then failing.

And so I choose to remember that God is FOR me...He leans forward to rejoice with us every step of the way... every time this fight bring Him Glory through our Good.  He is excited to rejoice in and with us!

We found out yesterday that we have an appointment at MD Anderson on February 2nd.  So glad to have an appointment finally, but also a bit nervous about walking into a cancer center.... shouldn't I be over the nerves by now?  But it always takes me breath away to walk into a cancer appointment because it just reminds me that I'm battling for my physical life right now.  And so are the many others around me.  I'm part of the cancer club now - 'yay me'.  

In the meantime, I have been pursuing a cancer fighting diet.  I don't have any sort of degree or anything more than what I have researched as a momma fighting for the future days to see her grandchildren, but folks have asked me what I'm doing so here's the skinny:

My diet focuses on three things:  1) detox 2) build my immunity and 3) load up on cancer fighting foods.  Basically, I'm eating a ton of veggies, consuming mostly raw foods (about 80 percent raw) and have cut out all sugar and cow dairy.  I have a carrot smoothie (eating/drinking about 5-6 carrots a day...about to up this to almost 5LBS a day with juicing), green smoothie, big salads (have kale, broccoli, spinach or cabbage everyday), good fats (flaxseed oil, avo, coconut oil, ghee), homemade sourdough bread (thanks, Kerry for getting me HOOKED on this), limited amounts of good organic meat, serious kick of green tea (matcha) and have been using frankincense and myrrh essential oils.  Yup -there's nothing genius in my diet...just boils down to lots of veggies and whole foods.  I am giving this a go until our appointment and we'll see what my tests/scans/docs say.  There's a nagging voice in me that says maybe I'm doing this all for naught and the docs will say the cancer has spread.  But then I remember that I can hope....be brave enough to hope and pray that maybe the docs will say whatever I am doing is working!  It takes so much courage to hope..... but as a wise friend reminds me to do, I will 'pick up my courage' and hope. My hope and courage are in Him and Him only...the one who leans forward to rejoice in and with me.

Oh, and I always, always, always, need a good dose of humor!