And through the different folks that have visited, I realize that I have a lot of different names! To my parents I am Jennifer or Jae Yun (my Korean name), my high school friends and cousins call me Jenny, some of my college friends call me Jo-Jo, some of post college friends call me Jennyjo or the most common one is Jen. Yup - lots o different names, eh? And when I hear each one, it has a different feel/aspect of my personality, but I'm still the same person.
In the same way, God has so many different names/ways and is yet, always God. Perfect and complete. Not lacking anything. He attends to matters of the universe and also speaks to my heart's deepest desires in the same moment....and does it for millions of others. He hears my nervous soul as I face down more needles and at the same time is rescuing someone across the world and sustains our universe. And that matters. It matters because He is a relational God .... every bit of His rescue plan to save our lives is relational. It happened through a person - God incarnate - for people, us - for His Glory.
And so I take this crazy cancer ride and realize that there is much of it to be used for relational reasons. I don't get to bury my head and seal myself off from the world. I have to take the hits, blows and setbacks.... let them ferment into strength, resilience, faith and then pour it into others for His Glory. I'm just convinced of this.
Because I can't just talk the talk about how God is revealing mercy after mercy in this battle and then store it all up for myself, right?
I was part of a 'Be Brave Collective' Dinner the other night...everyone shared something brave they want to pursue in the next six months and the idea is that we encourage one another and keep each other accountable. My 'Brave' that I shared is inspired from a wise friend who has encouraged me over and over again to 'pick up my courage.' It doesn't just happen - we have to be intentional about what to pursue. I am afraid to plan and dream of my future....it is a deep fear because I may look the fool when the time comes because I have no idea what this cancer will do to me. So I have decided to take a deep breath, gulp and go for it - make a future plan/goal. Cancer will be part of my life from now on....but not my whole life.
As I shared earlier I am radically changing my diet and pursuing a nutritional healing while we wait for the second opinion from MDA. This doesn't mean I take a sip of apple cider vinegar a day and call it good. :) I am learning and researching so much about how to make every bit of food we consume useful for our bodies... because in the end, my body is not my own. I am merely a steward of the body God gave me and I need to take care of it. And my goal/brave in the next six months is to pursue/work towards medical/nutritional education and pour it out on others. I'm encouraged because I have a ridiculous amount of energy for having had a baby and two surgeries... I almost feel guilty for how much energy I have. :) I have a love and deep appreciate for modern medicine - it has saved my life in the past. And let's face it, no amount of carrot juice is going to heal a broken finger! But I am also discovering the science behind how we can use our food to prevent and heal many diseases.
I read Psalm 113:9 the other day (can you tell I've been reading LOTS of Psalm!): "He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children." The footnote had this: "God's majesty never implies his remoteness....it instead implies his EXHAUSTIVE attention to detail and His exhaustive ability to care for the faithful. "
And so I pray for the 'majesty' of my healing....to be cancer free and cured.. yet, I also know there is more to come from this journey... so many details and mercies that are new every morning and waiting to be discovered.
Our appt with MDA is next week, Feb. 2nd. I am excited, but also dread it. To be fully immersed in 'cancer world', go through more tests/procedures, away from the kids (again) and sort through all the new terms/acronyms and be reminded every minute of this disease that threatens my life. I am excited, though, to get the second opinion and hear what the experts have to say/offer. Please pray for the details of our travel, childcare (grandparents are going to hold down the fort for the first time on their own with five kiddos!), specific doctors that will be assigned to us and our discernment and encouragement and leading one way or the other.
Oh, and while we're at it, prayer request for the 'little things'. I am going through the phased reconstruction... I still have limited amounts of feeling...and my shape/size is changing... and I'm so constantly paranoid of a 'mrs. doubtfire' moment...remember? When Robin Williams doesn't realize his fake breasts are on fire? yup... I'm praying against any really, really awkward moments. :)
Much Love from Jennifer, Jenny, Jae, Jennyjo, Jo-Jo, Jen. :)
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