Door A or B

"seriously?"  I asked the lab tech if that was really how much blood she needed to take.... it must have seemed like a lot to her, too, or maybe just to appease me, she asked her supervisor if she had to fill all those tubes.  Yup.  All 12 tubes need to be filled!

I know there are some who wouldn't think twice of that much blood being drawn, but whew, that surprised me....

And we were surprised again during our trip last week to MD Anderson.

I was a bundle of nerves....we were going to see the experts on cancer...but so many folks told us about their amazing experiences at MD Anderson so in the back of my mind I expected that we would walk out with a sense of peace.

My deep-down-gut-honest prayer from the beginning has been that I don't have to like our treatment options, I just need a peace about it.  It's how we wrestled through options regarding surgery... lumpectomy, mastectomy, bilateral mastectomy.... not easy questions and in the end I can fully say that I did NOT like having a bilateral mastectomy, but God gave us 100% peace about it.  I don't think one decision over the other is right or wrong...it was/is all about seeking His wisdom regarding our decisions.

And in the same way, we have been praying over our treatment options.  A third surgery, chemo, chemo + radiation.... I have asked God that if it was possible, remove chemo and radiation from our path, but if it is the way to go then I just asked for a peace about it.  And that is what MD Anderson was about.  We went to the experts and I anticipated walking out of there at peace about chemo and coming home ready to get the ball rollin'.

Oddly, we walked out after our first morning less convinced than when we walked in regarding the chemo route.  Yup.  I say odd because we had such different expectations and came away with the opposite.   Rich and I actually looked at each other and said 'did we miss something???'  It was so odd.  I still think it was a really odd experience because I anticipated such the opposite.  Again, it was ODD.  

I won't go into all the details regarding our 'odd' experience....this is not a critique of the facility by any means (they actually have a fantastic learning resources library filled with books on cancer that you can check out and return via a prepaid envelope!  Yay for not having to search and search through books to find the right ones - they were all there!  Including medical/research articles that the lady copied for us!).  We did gain some more information regarding statistics, second opinion on pathology, etc.  But in the end, it all added up to a very odd-wow-I'm-not-too-convinced-about-chemo experience.

Can I be clear here in stating that I wanted to be convinced?  I wanted a peace about it.  In some ways, chemo is simpler and a bit more straightforward.  I'm not saying it's a walk in the park...at all... just that the path is laid out for you and you have someone guiding you through the process and everyone pretty much approves.  For the most part, there is a beginning and end.  Again, I am not saying chemo is easier... it  just seems more straightforward to me.  As you guessed by now, going the alternate route has a lot more uncertainty....and disapproval.

God surely convicted my heart this morning.  I still find it a bit surreal that we walked out of MD Anderson without the sense of peace that we had anticipated (and even hoped/prayed for).... and I have been too nervous to tell folks that we are pursuing an aggressive alternate route.  Because.  I fear you.  Yup you.  Your disapproval.  There I said it.... I fear disapproval from everyone around me who will think we're absolutely nuts and will basically count down the time til they can say 'see, didn't work out for 'ya, did it?'  And God gave me a big gut check.  Who do I fear most?  Man or God?  And apparently, I may not have my priorities in order.  The support of our family and friends has been AMAZING.  Absolutely AMAZING.  And I do fear losing support and credibility and the criticism that may follow this post.  But above all, I am reminded that God is for us.  And if He is for us, who can be against us?  :)

And because He is for us, He will not let us choose the wrong path.  WHEW.  When I remember that, I am able to breathe a bit more deeply.  He promises us.  In the same way that I'll let my kids explore and learn a new skill while I keep a close eye on them, ready to redirect if need be.  I would never willingly let my kiddos choose a harmful path.  And golly, He loves us more than I love my kids.  That's a biiiiiig , righteous kind of love.

Psalm 31: 3  "for you are my rock and fortress; and for your name's sake you lead me and guide me;"

Psalm 31: 14 "but I trust in You, O Lord, I say You are my God, my times are in your hand."

Isaiah 30:21 "And you ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, 'this is the way, walk in it', when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left."  

And in the midst of the cancer battle, I am asking for prayer again...for wisdom beyond our years.  Though this battle may seem like the priority for the time being, I know that there may be seemingly smaller, simultaneous and subtle fights to be on guard against.  When you fight a big campaign, often you leave another area vulnerable....  and that comes in many different forms:  letting fear creep in and get a hold, insecurity, self righteousness, pride, etc...I have lots I can add to the list!

If someone had asked me from the beginning which would you rather choose? Door A - it includes a pretty good understanding of God/relationship with Him and no cancer.  or Door B - it includes an deeper, richer understanding of God ..but also includes cancer (to make it better I'll throw in an angel for you :)).  To be very honest and transparent - I would have chosen Door A.  Yup - safe.

I think there will be many turns, twists and curves in this journey.  And who knows, maybe choosing an aggressive alternate route is the way God is leading me to chemo.  I just don't know.  We can only trust as He reveals one step after another.  And I know that the end result is already secured.  It's the journey to the end that we are walking in faith...frightening faith!  We'll look back someday and see an amazing path that He carved out for us.  Until then, just one step at a time.

            

Food and Grace.

I know I've mentioned food and nutrition several times....and it currently consumes a good portion of my time and energy (which again, I have a LOT of).  Yet, I want to throw out a huge, bbiiiiiig disclaimer.  It's just food.  Sure, I am learning and believe that we can use certain foods/combinations of foods to heal our bodies and restore health, but it's just f.o.o.d.

What I mean is this:  what we eat and don't eat/how we eat is not a matter of salvation.  Let me say that loud and clear:  FOOD IS NOT A MATTER OF SALVATION.  Do I believe that our mental, physical, emotional and spiritual state and discipline are all connected and affect each other?  Yup - so how we eat can/does affect other areas of our life... but food in and of itself does not determine whether you dine on shrimp in hell or manna in heaven.  I hope I have made that perfectly clear.

See, it's easy to grasp at something when you see so much good in it....so much goodness to be obtained from it.  I am personally experiencing the positive effects of a different 'diet' and am so excited to share this with others...., but it is not my life theme or my mission to change people's eating habits.  And that is a tough balance to maintain.  But when we grasp at something other than God and His Goodness for us, we let it rule us.  We become slaves to it.  We begin to worship it.  Slowly.  Sometimes without even realizing it.  Whatever your 'it' may be.  It's easy to become legalistic about what I eat.  Afterall, I'm trying to fight cancer!  But I have found grace in cancer and wouldn't I be an utter fool to then fall slave to my food that I'm using to fight it?  That was a mouthful, but I hope that makes sense.  (I just reread that to see if it makes sense. :)).

And grace in cancer?  Yup.  It's sometimes hard to say, but I'm reminded of it daily.  Because the harsh reality is that we are all dying.... every day from our birth we get one day closer to our last day. And we have so many distractions to keep us from thinking about that fact that we truly have limited days here on earth and we don't know when that last day will be.  I've let my attitude, frustrations and quick temperedness reflect my belief that I take the day for granted.  But Cancer Grace (CG?), makes me constantly reevaluate how I treat others...especially those closest to me (because aren't the ones closest to us the ones who normally take the brunt of our yuckiness?).

So, yes, CG.  Cancer Grace.  I have been given this incredible opportunity of grace...and to then fall slave to food would be such a disgrace.  It would be like taking this gift from God and tossing it over my shoulder absentmindedly into a mud pit.

So, that was a long disclaimer, but I felt convicted to make that clear.  As clear as I can.

And with that out of the way, I am learning more and more about food and nutrition everyday...to heal and protect our bodies from the inside out...to minimize the need for intervention with conventional drugs/surgeries...or to work in conjunction with and enhance the efficacy of drugs/surgery.

But like I mentioned before:  my job is not to change anyone.  Whew.  Just saying that takes a load off!  It's what my fear in pursuing food/nutrition/medicine is linked to.  That I won't be effective.  But I heard someone quote Andy Stanley in saying that our job isn't to change others...we just merely need to pour out what we have into others.  That's all.  That's all I have to do.  Instead of grasping at 'good' things and letting fear be my strategy, I just need to pour out what I have.

I read these lyrics from a hymn:  Heaven Came Down and Glory Filled My Soul.  The elegant simplicity of that hit me.  Heave Came Down (to us).  and Glory Filled My Soul.  The next logical step is to pour out that Glory into others.  As Larry Crabb stated in a devotional, when we give up grasping for things (even good things), we begin to see how we can give and truly live.  

So sit back and relax....when I tout more cool 'food' stuff, know that I don't consider it a marker of how 'good' you are.  No pressure folks.  I have just been handed this gift into discovering some really cool things about the science behind food and nutrition and I'm just excited to share.  That's all.  To God and only God be all Glory.  Through my good and for His Glory.  Because He is crazy Good like that.

Happy Friday y'all!  

And here's a pic for a dose of humor.... because apparently my 'girls' will set off the scanners while we travel this weekend...too bad I don't have this shirt yet!  :)

      

Many Different Names

It's kind of funny....when you have cancer, lots of different folks come to visit you.  :)

And through the different folks that have visited, I realize that I have a lot of different names!  To my parents I am Jennifer or Jae Yun (my Korean name), my high school friends and cousins call me Jenny, some of my college friends call me Jo-Jo, some of post college friends call me Jennyjo or the most common one is Jen.  Yup - lots o different names, eh?  And when I hear each one, it has a different feel/aspect of my personality, but I'm still the same person.

In the same way, God has so many different names/ways and is yet, always God.  Perfect and complete.  Not lacking anything.  He attends to matters of the universe and also speaks to my heart's deepest desires in the same moment....and does it for millions of others.  He hears my nervous soul as I face down more needles and at the same time is rescuing someone across the world and sustains our universe.  And that matters.  It matters because He is a relational God .... every bit of His rescue plan to save our lives is relational.  It happened through a person - God incarnate  - for people, us - for His Glory.

And so I take this crazy cancer ride and realize that there is much of it to be used for relational reasons.  I don't get to bury my head and seal myself off from the world.  I have to take the hits, blows and setbacks.... let them ferment into strength, resilience, faith and then pour it into others for His Glory.  I'm just convinced of this.

Because I can't just talk the talk about how God is revealing mercy after mercy in this battle and then store it all up for myself, right?

I was part of a 'Be Brave Collective' Dinner the other night...everyone shared something brave they want to pursue in the next six months and the idea is that we encourage one another and keep each other accountable.  My 'Brave' that I shared is inspired from a wise friend who has encouraged me over and over again to 'pick up my courage.'  It doesn't just happen - we have to be intentional about what to pursue.  I am afraid to plan and dream of my future....it is a deep fear because I may look the fool when the time comes because I have no idea what this cancer will do to me.  So I have decided to take a deep breath, gulp and go for it - make a future plan/goal.  Cancer will be part of my life from now on....but not my whole life.

As I shared earlier I am radically changing my diet and pursuing a nutritional healing while we wait for the second opinion from MDA.  This doesn't mean I take a sip of apple cider vinegar a day and call it good.  :)  I am learning and researching so much about how to make every bit of food we consume useful for our bodies... because in the end, my body is not my own. I am merely a steward of the body God gave me and I need to take care of it.  And my goal/brave in the next six months is to pursue/work towards medical/nutritional education and pour it out on others.  I'm encouraged because I have a ridiculous amount of energy for having had a baby and two surgeries... I almost feel guilty for how much energy I have.  :)  I have a love and deep appreciate for modern medicine - it has saved my life in the past.  And let's face it, no amount of carrot juice is going to heal a broken finger!  But I am also discovering the science behind how we can use our food to prevent and heal many diseases.

I read Psalm 113:9 the other day (can you tell I've been reading LOTS of Psalm!):  "He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children."  The footnote had this:  "God's majesty never implies his remoteness....it instead implies his EXHAUSTIVE attention to detail and His exhaustive ability to care for the faithful. "  

And so I pray for the 'majesty' of my healing....to be cancer free and cured.. yet, I also know there is more to come from this journey... so many details and mercies that are new every morning and waiting to be discovered.

Our appt with MDA is next week, Feb. 2nd.  I am excited, but also dread it.  To be fully immersed in 'cancer world', go through more tests/procedures, away from the kids (again) and sort through all the new terms/acronyms and be reminded every minute of this disease that threatens my life.  I am excited, though, to get the second opinion and hear what the experts have to say/offer.  Please pray for the details of our travel, childcare (grandparents are going to hold down the fort for the first time on their own with five kiddos!), specific doctors that will be assigned to us and our discernment and encouragement and leading one way or the other.

Oh, and while we're at it, prayer request for the 'little things'.  I am going through the phased reconstruction... I still have limited amounts of feeling...and my shape/size is changing... and I'm so constantly paranoid of a 'mrs. doubtfire' moment...remember?  When Robin Williams doesn't realize his fake breasts are on fire?  yup...  I'm praying against any really, really awkward moments.  :)  

Much Love from Jennifer, Jenny, Jae, Jennyjo, Jo-Jo, Jen.  :)

Leaning In

First off, my apologies for being delinquent with an update....  last week I jumped back into the full routine and I was running a bit slower than normal (actually, there was NO jumping or running, but you know what I mean :)).  :)  It has been good to get back to focusing on the 'regular' routine around here....the stuff that is normal...but living through the lens of fighting cancer, I welcome 'routine' and 'normal'.

In the last post I mentioned that we are researching and waiting for a referral before deciding on which route to choose regarding treatment.  Going nuclear or natural.

The research and wait still continues....

We had originally been waiting on a referral to a place in Phoenix that does offer conventional treatment, but also incorporates a whole body/holistic/natural approach.  I was really excited to meet with the doctors there and hear what they had to say/offer.... it was only a matter of waiting to get the official authorization and appointment.

One morning last week I was reading in Psalms and a few different devotionals and EVERYWHERE I read one theme kept repeating itself... "wait patiently in the Lord".  Seriously, I'm pretty sure I read it at least six times.  I understood it to mean that we'll get the appointment when the time is right.... but a few hours later I got a phone call saying that the place in Phoenix no longer accepted our insurance as of the 1st of the year.  Seriously?? And this would set the whole process back a week or two.  I was disappointed, but honestly, felt such a peace to accept the closed door.  Isn't God good?  He prepared me that morning with every time that I read "wait patiently in the Lord".  So, I figured that is a very clear 'NO' to Phoenix.  I was disappointed, but so very at peace with trusting that this is for a reason.

Last Sunday at church, our pastor spoke about 'Investing Forever'.  It's similar to a really wise saying I learned from my husband's grandparents... 'invest in things of eternal worth'.  I go back to that saying so often regarding our time, money, resources, relationships, etc.  And it has SO much more meaning when you are fighting a disease like cancer.  Take what is temporary and invest it for eternal worth.  That sure is a challenge.  A daunting challenge.  One in which I often wonder if we are doing well.  And then he said something that planted joy and hope:  "He leans forward to rejoice in our work"( Just to highlight one example..those adoptive and foster parents out there - whew.  You blow me away constantly in how well you do this... but everyone does this...with your biological kids, your work, your ministry, etc.)  

Geesh!  Really??  Yes, He leans in and is ready to rejoice in what we do!  See, I've often caught myself thinking 'umm...I hope this is right...Hope you like this God, or well, at least I'm giving it my best effort...'  I've often cringed, wondering if what we did pleased Him.  But I was reminded that He is FOR us....He leans forward to rejoice!  Psalm 56: 9 "This I know, that God is for me"

And it brought me back to our decision regarding going nuclear or natural.  In a sense, it boils down to this:  if I do chemo and radiation and the cancer returns, then we can just say the treatment didn't work/the cancer was just too aggressive.  If I go the natural route and it doesn't work, that rests on my shoulders.  Does that make sense?  Yes, I absolutely dread doing chemo and radiation, but I am also terrified of choosing the natural option, hoping and praying it works and then failing.

And so I choose to remember that God is FOR me...He leans forward to rejoice with us every step of the way... every time this fight bring Him Glory through our Good.  He is excited to rejoice in and with us!

We found out yesterday that we have an appointment at MD Anderson on February 2nd.  So glad to have an appointment finally, but also a bit nervous about walking into a cancer center.... shouldn't I be over the nerves by now?  But it always takes me breath away to walk into a cancer appointment because it just reminds me that I'm battling for my physical life right now.  And so are the many others around me.  I'm part of the cancer club now - 'yay me'.  

In the meantime, I have been pursuing a cancer fighting diet.  I don't have any sort of degree or anything more than what I have researched as a momma fighting for the future days to see her grandchildren, but folks have asked me what I'm doing so here's the skinny:

My diet focuses on three things:  1) detox 2) build my immunity and 3) load up on cancer fighting foods.  Basically, I'm eating a ton of veggies, consuming mostly raw foods (about 80 percent raw) and have cut out all sugar and cow dairy.  I have a carrot smoothie (eating/drinking about 5-6 carrots a day...about to up this to almost 5LBS a day with juicing), green smoothie, big salads (have kale, broccoli, spinach or cabbage everyday), good fats (flaxseed oil, avo, coconut oil, ghee), homemade sourdough bread (thanks, Kerry for getting me HOOKED on this), limited amounts of good organic meat, serious kick of green tea (matcha) and have been using frankincense and myrrh essential oils.  Yup -there's nothing genius in my diet...just boils down to lots of veggies and whole foods.  I am giving this a go until our appointment and we'll see what my tests/scans/docs say.  There's a nagging voice in me that says maybe I'm doing this all for naught and the docs will say the cancer has spread.  But then I remember that I can hope....be brave enough to hope and pray that maybe the docs will say whatever I am doing is working!  It takes so much courage to hope..... but as a wise friend reminds me to do, I will 'pick up my courage' and hope. My hope and courage are in Him and Him only...the one who leans forward to rejoice in and with me.

Oh, and I always, always, always, need a good dose of humor!

The New Year....never has been, never was, never will be All About Me.

....well, sort of.  I am the one with cancer, so in a sense, that part is about me.  But the rest.... it's not all about me.  At all.

I'll explain in a bit.

Yesterday was a tough day - unexpectedly.  But it makes sense....when we think of the new year it's usually about what we resolve to do better/different, hope for, anticipate, etc.  My thoughts just continued to swirl around what our next steps will be....that our next year will be a tough year.  That it's a year where we will plunge deeper in the cancer world and it will be the biggest fight I've faced yet.  Everything seemed to be in check until I got an e-mail from our oncologist, a phone call from our surgeon....etc..... all good things (communication is important!), but reminders of what the next year will entail.  

The big decisions right now include deciding what type of treatment to pursue.  There are many factors, but to keep it simple it boils down to 1) what I call the 'nuclear' option:  chemo and radiation... endure 6-8 months and hope for no recurrence and 2) natural methods of healing my body from the inside out and giving my immune system and NK cells a chance to fight the cancer cells and committing to a lifelong change in diet and habits.  (One reason why I would seriously consider option 2 is because my tumor actually shrunk by almost 25% before surgery - that's without meds!  It may have a lot to do with having a baby and estrogen level dropping, but to me it means that my body was fighting the cancer without any intervention!)

I know some who just read about option 2 are screaming 'no' and will consider it insane.  And the same for option 1.  And I go back and forth, back and forth.  And for whatever reason, it all threatened to unravel me yesterday.

The first person who gets a taste of my emotional implosion is unfortunately my husband.  I can feel the emotions brewing inside me, I try to keep them in check (because I KNOW some of my emotions are just emotions....not rational thinking, but the I'm-tired-just-had-a-baby-and-surgery emotions), but then out of nowhere one comment creates a cascade of tears that I can't seem to contain.

And in that very weak, raw and honest moment this is what I said.  "I'd rather have five good years left of trying to heal my body naturally vs ten years after chemo and rad and suffer from the side effects" and "I kind of wish a truck could just hit me tomorrow and let this all be over with."  I'm not proud of what I said, but those are my raw emotions.  As for the truck comment, don't worry, I'm not planning my demise - it's just that I already know I'm going to heaven so part of me just wants to skip right to that part!

Then I received some major conviction:

Look at this pic (disclaimer:  my pics have been coming out blurry...maybe because I recently gained  enough mobility to take pics...or because a little person put fingerprints all over?  ... ).  Check out the top row, excuse the message board which is out of date..... but check out all those amazing Christmas cards and notes!  If you can zoom in, you will find your card up there somewhere....

And here are the kiddos....five amazing gifts that somehow manage to simultaneously exhaust me, yet fuel my fire to fight.

And my solid rock and best friend, my husband.  The rest of my (super generous) family.  My (amazing rock star) friends.  My friends I have yet to meet.

God really convicted me that this battle is not all about me.  There's a story unfolding, His story, unfolding in this battle.  Glory being revealed.  Hope being planted and realized.  Grace upon grace being poured out.  This battle is about Him and His Glory and others' Good that He will accomplish through my good.

A shortcut is not an option for me.  I don't get to crawl into a hole and hide until this is all over.  I have to take every step, get up to fight every round and choose His Glory over my fears.  

And so we pray.  Hard.  About the right path to choose.  Because part of me really, truly believes my body can fight the microscopic cancer cells that may remain through natural ways.  And the other part of me dreads the nuclear option. Having five babies, double mastectomy and adding on chemo and rad (i.e. bald, puking and burned) certainly does not do much for your self confidence.  (Have I mentioned I dread the nuclear option?  I'm pretty sure the bald look is not going to look great on me....geesh, I was BORN with a head of hair...I haven't been bald a single day of my life...okay, I digress.)  

But it's not all about me.  It's about what He convicts us to choose.  Finding a peace with the right decision.  And if He gives me a peace about chemo and rad then that is what we will do.  No questions asked.  I know there is a bigger story unraveling here and whatever He gives us a peace with, we will follow.  I will walk through the fire if that's what He wants me to do... because I know the One who asks me to do it.  I know Who He Is.  

There is hope.  Always.  If I end up bald, that sure does give me a legit pass to hang out with kids fighting cancer in the hospital.  Maybe we'll 'adopt' cancer kids and find ways to love on them and their families.  I've already made new friends through this... my anesthesiologist is a total rock star and in the midst of her own challenges has been encouraging me in ways that only another cancer survivor can.  

So whichever method of treatment we choose, I will fight.  For God and His Glory, for my family, friends and myself.  

Thank you SO much for those that have committed to pray for us...and for promising to remind me to get up and fight when I am knocked down.

Here's to 2015.  Not an easy year.  But a Glory and Joy filled year.

"So teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom.....Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days....Let your work be shown to your servants, and your GLORIOUS power to their children...Let the favor of our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands upon us; yes, establish the work of our hands!"  Psalm 90:  12-17

Fight. My little bit of crazy. and a bad selfie. :)

I know yesterday's post wasn't exactly awesome news, but there are some huge praises that I need to mention:

1) For the first time in three weeks, I was able to put an overhead shirt on.  Yep, I know that may seem like small bucks, but considering I've been wearing a very limited wardrobe of button downs/zip ups, it was a big step for this gal.  :)

2) For the first time in three weeks, I was able to get in and out of bed by myself!  That is HUGE.  The first couple nights after the initial surgery I had a hard time falling asleep because I felt so unsettled by the fact that I could not move without help.... becoming more mobile makes it easier to fall asleep.

3) For the first time in three weeks, I was able to lift, feed and hold Raleigh!  This is a momma high.  :) This pic is where I managed to find a sweet spot where she could rest on my tummy/shoulder and it's pretty darn close to being able to hug her.  :)  It's a bad 'selfie', but big time progress here!

Now for my little bit of crazy:  On Saturday afternoon I took a hard, hard nap and had a really vivid dream where my surgeon had his right hand wrapped up in a bandage and he couldn't do surgery.  I half expected to walk into our appointment on Monday and find his hand bandaged up.  Why do I mention this at the risk of seeming like a cray cray?  

Because when I was given the option of surgery and/or radiation and told that they found more cancer/blah, blah, blah-this-really-stinks-kind of news I really couldn't choose one decision over the other.  The absolute only thing that I had to sway me one way or the other was the dream....I told Rich 'I know it's crazy, but maybe that's a sign to avoid surgery this time'.  

And when we got home and the kids unloaded out of the van, two of our girls picked up a kettle bell and started playing around with it.  Something clicked in my head:  I need to get strong.  I need to recover.  It's time to get back in the fight.  No surgery this time.  

But the only prayer I kept repeating was 'please, God, please God, please God.'  I didn't even know how to articulate what I was praying for, but He knew.  One specific prayer was that Rich and I would be in agreement regarding the decision and that my surgeon would agree as well.  Beyond that, I didn't have the words for prayer...just a pleading.  

And wouldn't you know?  We just got off the phone with our surgeon and God has shown us the decision is NO surgery.  Luke took a trip down to the lab to review the results himself, did some additional research, contacted a friend who worked at MD Anderson and said he feels comfortable going forward without an additional surgery.  What was maybe a 'micron' of clear margins yesterday is now more like 1 to 2 microns.  The pre cancerous cells found in other parts of the tissue are actually so small that the lab can't be sure what it is - precancer or just abnormal cells.  Unsure enough to call it inconclusive for now.  These factors, combined with a recent study adds up to an additional surgery not being necessary (if followed up with radiation). Woohoo!!!!  This gal is ready to recover and get strong.  

For a few weeks I was knocked off my feet and had my rear handed to me....and God sent an army of reinforcements to love on us and fight for us.  It reminds me of the passage in Exodus when Moses is leading the Israelites across the Red Sea.... v. 14 " The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent."  Those reinforcements nursed my wounds, helped me wash my hair, get dressed, fed us, cleaned for us and let me cry when I needed to, but also made me laugh to the point my chest hurt.  And they let me rest.  And now I feel like Moses in v.15 "The Lord said to Moses, 'why do you cry to me?  tell the people of Israel to go forward.  Lift up your staff and stretch out your hand over the sea and divide it, that the people of Israel may go through the sea on dry ground."  I know that God is fighting for me - that He goes before me and is also my rear guard.....and I also believe that this is a multi dimensional fight and I have my part to do.  

I've rested and now I need to recover and get strong.  

Because this battle is far from over.  

But He continues to show Himself to us over and over and over.  I absolutely dread chemo and radiation (what we hoped to avoid with surgery), but He keeps reminding me that He is so very real and so very present in our struggles.  All for His Glory through our good.  

A long road....and peace

I was hopeful when we took this pic that it would be the last time I would be in one of these hospital gowns for a long, long time.  After all, it's not exactly my 'style'....a little too thin and not enough closures for my taste!  :)  I like my clothing just a bit more secure......

But after our follow up appointment today, I may have to settle for this outfit once again (on your third round I'm wondering if you get the option for embroidery or something?  or at least choice of colors? or at least a pedicure while you're under?!?!).  Even though the initial 'frozen' (not THAT Frozen!) lab results indicated that we were all 'clear', the final lab results came back less than favorable.  Basically, the pathology report showed a 'micron' of clear margins, less than 1cm, which is the standard for 'clear' margins.  There were also indicators of the presence of microscopic precancerous cells in other parts of the tissue.  So, basically, we don't know what we don't know.  Our options now include more surgery and/or radiation....what we were hoping to avoid from the very beginning.

I honestly had a hard time thinking through our options in the office.... either Rich or Luke asked me which way I was leaning and I honestly had no leaning one way or the other...  what I did think was 'this really stinks' and we just need to pray and see.

The very, very odd thing, though, is that this news shook me less than last time....maybe I'm getting numb to not so great news or just because it is a peace from God....peace not as the world gives, but one that can only be from Him.  Don't get me wrong, I cried and am disappointed and frustrated and wonder if this will ever end.....it feels like the Twilight Zone gone very wrong....but the best I can describe is that my feet are still under me.

So, we come before you again, asking, pleading, for prayers.  Prayers for wisdom regarding further surgery and treatment...decisions that need to be made in the next couple days.  Prayers to specifically guard our hearts and minds.... that I would remember the awesome angel and still expectantly believe in miracles.  Because I've seen it.  God is real and it's what we have been waiting this season to celebrate.  The birth of Christ our Savior who didn't just pat us on the back, blow us a kiss and say 'good luck' with all that earth stuff.... but a Savior who clothed himself in human form to dwell among us.  The same skin as mine...His skin was also torn and bled....and His heart also broken.  So I know that He knows.  Which is the only way I can explain how He gives us peace that surpasses all understanding.  Just like the angels proclaimed at His birth...peace on earth and good will to men.  He means all things for my good and His Glory.

And a wise, wise friend mentioned something to me.....as I'm struggling to find grace in this walk....that maybe this situation IS the grace.  That somehow this battle against cancer (stubborn, it is!) is a grace.... and there's a tiny seed of hope in me that maybe, just maybe it is.  Because only God could take cancer and make it a grace.  God can do the crazy, cool things like that....beauty from ashes and grace from cancer.

Much love from the Hartneys.