Curveballs

First and foremost, we have GREAT news.  We met with our surgeon today and found out that the final lab results came back NEGATIVE.  The cancer has not spread and for that we are so very, very thankful!  We barely got a chance to enjoy the good news before being told some not so great news, though.  Our curveball.  When the labs dissected all the tissue removed during surgery, they found one part where they don't have 'clear margins'.  Basically, it means there may or may not be some cancerous tissue remaining.  And so we have another OR date reserved for either Tuesday or Wednesday of next week to remove more tissue.

To say I am feeling discouraged is an understatement.  I feel like I (literally) just got back on my feet and we are already looking at surgery again.  I am scared (the last experience is not a distant memory).  I am scared of the pain - of going beyond my pain threshold again.  I am heartbroken that more of me will have to be removed.  I am sad that there will be more and bigger scars and some more deformity (I apologize if that is too much information, but I promise to be transparent).

After we returned home I laid upstairs in bed, just needing a breather.  As I listened to some music and prayed, I kept thinking that I just didn't feel like I had enough fight left in me.  It's already been a battle and the end is not in sight and now we have a setback.

But I cannot let self pity get even a foothold in my heart.  So I kept praying and pleading with God...and let the tears flow.  And I remembered something - I don't have to fight this.  When I am weak, He is strong.  And for some reason His sacrifice for us on the Cross dominated my thoughts.   How He paid the price once and for all and we don't have to continually offer rituals or sacrifices to atone for ourselves or please some nebulous God.  Instead, He chose a Way that paid the price once and for all.  Hear that?  Once and for all, our salvation has been paid for.  No maintenance, no checking in to see if we're still 'good' with the big man, no continual efforts to stay in favor in order to gain access to the pearly gates.  And the only thing that I can do right now?  Is give thanks.

"  Offer to God a sacrifice of Thanksgiving....and call upon me in the day of trouble and I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me."  Psalm 50: 14

I don't feel like fighting right now.  And to be very honest, I don't feel like putting on a fake happy face.  I am heartbroken.  But I can and WILL give thanks.

And yes.  We have MUCH to be thankful for.  Here are just a few.....

1) My kids are beautiful - oh, their hearts.  Not once have they been upset with me because I haven't been able to be wholly 'mom'...not being able to pick them up, hold them, give them big squeeze hugs (which I YEARN for).  Instead, you know what they do?  They cheered for me when I was able to walk down the stairs and they reward me with stickers.  Their hearts are beautiful.  Please pray that God would continue to guard their hearts with innocence and tenderness and understanding.

2)  Friends.  I'm pretty sure my friends are the best that anyone could ask for.  I mean it.  Six of them, flying in from all over the country to love on me and my family.  And that's a sacrificial love, I know, because when they are here, their families are missing them.  They serve my family with joy and help in countless ways, so many times, without me having to even ask (you know, the friends who go change your kid's dirty diaper without having to be asked :)).  Please continue to cover their families in prayer.

3)  my husband.  He has been a solid rock.  He has not once complained about the seismic shift in responsibilities at home.  He is tired and is literally loving on me as 'christ has loved the church'.  He is love in action.  Pray for His strength, renewal and peace.

There is so much more that I could/should write...but I'm feeling guilty about sitting here and typing while my friends are cutting vegetables and cooking in the kitchen.  I could write much more about the friends who have offered to send their breastmilk, sent food and gifts/activities for the kids, flowers, cards, gift cards, care packages, friends who have done research for many things on my behalf.....the list could literally go on.

But I am tired and weary and just want to rest now.  But none of this changes that God is Good and He is in control.  My 'curveball' was known by Him from the beginning and so I am secure in His sovereignty.  Let's just hit this curveball out the park and look for a home run.  :)

Waging War

We're bbaaacccccck.  :)  At least for a brief update.

It has been a week full of support from family and friends near and far.  From friends who flew in from far away, friends that sat with Rich during surgery and sat with me post surgery, drove our kids to school, watched the younger kids, made meals for us, mailed gifts, sent flowers and everyone who has prayed, prayed and prayed for us.

With my limited range of motion and ability to concentrate for brief periods of time, this update will have to be brief, but I'll try to include all I can remember.

First, the pre-op dye injection could not have gone better!  I KNOW that people were praying for us because in a situation where anyone would have the right to freak out I felt surrounded by peace.  The dye injection is a painful, cold, lonely and somewhat intimidating process, but I felt guarded by an army of angels throughout the process.  Rich was not allowed to wait on the floor with me, the room has to be one of the coldest in the hospital (to keep the machines from breaking down) and they use needles to inject the dye on each side.  Despite all this, the whole process went quickly and I felt so protected.  Thank you for praying over me specifically during this time.

As we were doing final preparations and meeting the other doctors and nurses, God sent a huge encouragement in the form of my anesthesiologist.  After she introduced herself to me I asked her about not using certain medications/procedures that have been questionable for treating cancer patients and fully expected to have to justify myself.  BUT, she completely agreed based on her research she had done because SHE IS ALSO A CANCER SURVIVOR.  What are the chances of having a cancer survivor included in my team of doctors????  She took good care of me.  God is good.

I have mentioned how powerful I think prayer is and my surgery is most definitely an example.  I don't have a better way to explain that there is certainly a bigger battle being waged here.  This is not just about a battle to beat cancer - though that is what we see  - but I am convinced that a bigger, unseen battle is being waged for His Glory through my Good.  The best way I can explain this is through a rundown of my surgery (reconstructed through facts from Rich and my surgeon).

The first part of surgery included the lymph node biopsy.  There is a tool used to detect which lymph node the radioactive substance spreads to first.  This lymph node is then dissected to determine whether or not the cancer has spread.  About and hour and a half into surgery, the surgeon stepped out to give Rich an update....Rich thought the update was of the biopsy result....but it was actually because somehow, during the procedure, the tool used to detect the radioactive substance BROKE.  And yep, there is only ONE in the entire hospital.  The options were to continue with a visual method or wake me up and start all over a different day.  Thank the Lord, the surgeons were able to continue with the back up visual method and were successful!  Family and friends were waging war on our behalf without even knowing it.

While the surgeons were completing the rest of the mastectomy my bleeding continued to increase and my blood pressure dropped.  My bleeding didn't stop and my blood pressure was in the 60's.  The next update my surgeon gave Rich was that surgery was put on hold until my blood pressure stabilized.  Finally, after four transfusions my blood pressure rose from the 60's and they were able to complete the reconstruction portion of surgery.  Again, family and friends were waging war on our behalf without even knowing the full extent of the battle.  At one point during surgery a friend said she felt a strong conviction to stop in the middle of running errands and pray for me with her kids.  It wasn't but a minute later that Rich had sent her a text about surgery being on pause until my blood pressure stabilized.  

I spent a couple nights in the ICU to recover from a 'rougher than normal' surgery before being moved to the normal post surgical floor and finally being released after three nights in the hospital.  It took a while to get an IV in, figure out the balance of finding the right meds to relieve pain and also keep my blood pressure up.  I truly believe we were given an 'A-team' of doctors, nurses and prayer warriors to surround us with His protection.  I know my life - aka my 'good' was being brought before His throne continually and especially during surgery for His Glory.  For that we are eternally grateful.

And we continue to seek your prayers for the following:
1) the initial lymph node biopsy came back NEGATIVE - praise the Lord!!!  But we get the official results this week.  There are sometime false negatives, but we are praying and waiting expectantly for final lab results to be negative!

2) My recovery is getting better and better each day.  I can walk further, move my arms more and continue to have more energy.  It is the emotional and mental battle that I also ask prayer for.  I have not yet had the courage to see my 'new' self in the mirror yet.  It is an adjustment that I'm sure will take time.  And once the drains aka 'grenades' are removed, I'm sure that will be a big step towards feeling more 'normal'.  I know I've never been in the running for a beauty pageant, but I will admit that this is a pretty significant vulnerability in my self image and I need to remind myself that I am still His creation - and that His creations are beautiful regardless of the type of scars we bear.

3) Protection for my family - Rich is working more than overtime and my kids are resilient so far.  Please pray for their physical protection from sickness and that my kids would be protected from fear of what they see me go through.  I pray that their innocence would be preserved.

4) Continued wisdom in deciding on future treatment.  We are looking into all our options and the big picture seems overwhelming...considering I can't even walk more than a few minutes yet.  :)  Pray that we would have clarity of thought and perspective as we make future decisions.

We so very grateful for all the love and support and prayers lavished on us by our family and friends.  Thank you so much, from the bottom of our hearts.

Here are some fun pics of the past couple days.

      

Far away Friends

Jen is not authoring this post.  She is still in the hospital recovering from surgery (with the hopes of heading home by the weekend).  I have hijacked her account (with permission!) in hopes of getting out some information to a broader audience.

Many of you, especially far away friends, have been asking what you can do to help Jen and the rest of the Hartney family.  Distance is somewhat limiting!

Here are a few things:

Keep praying!  God hears our pleas and praises and they touch His heart.

Send notes of encouragement. (...and maybe a picture/note for the kids!)

Send a 'treat'.  Jen is on a pretty restricted diet...vegan, vegetarian, raw, organic.  If you are wanting to include a 'treat' with your encouragement, please send something that meets that criteria.  These types of things are usually sold in health/whole food stores like Whole Foods or Sprouts.  You can order a lot of these sorts of products online (amazon.com) too.  A few suggestions include:

• products from 2 Moms In The Raw 
• dried kale chips or other dried veggie/veggie chips
• granola or granola bars
• walnuts (no additives/flavors)
• dried figs (no additives/flavors) or other no sugar added dried fruit

*If wondering what to get, look up 2 Moms in the Raw products on amazon.com, click on one and then scroll through the 'customers who bought this item also bought' products further down the page.  This should provide a good starting point!

Clean their house.  They have a cleaning service set up.  If you're interested sponsoring a cleaning or two, please contact Kerry Faber, kerryfreed@hotmail.com.

Look forward.  Jen will likely be going to a cancer treatment center (Phoenix? Houston?) for chemo treatment.  There will be a lot of logistical needs to fill regarding those treatment trips.  If you are able/willing to help out with that (be a travel companion, help in El Paso, have friends/family in either of those locations that may be able to help), please consider doing so.

If you need the Hartney's address, please contact me, danajones50@hotmail.com.

Thank you for being the hands and feet of Jesus to Jen and her family.  And thank you for your willingness to do so even from afar!

~Dana

The Fire

There are a million thoughts swirling through my head so bear with me while I try to capture as much as I can in a coherent manner before I sign off for a while.

To say we have been loved upon is an understatement of the year.  It's like saying I caught a minor cold.  :)  I am so humbled by the ways so many have shown us their love and encouragement....so many tangible ways to remind me that even though I have to physically take some of the steps on my own tomorrow, I am most certainly not alone.  We are not alone.  Our whole family has a band of warriors fighting alongside us and holding us up when we just simply can't do it on our own.

Several times over the past few days, I have heard the phrase 'keep you warm' from different people....on different continents regarding their prayers for me.  I've heard it repeated so many times that I actually asked a friend what made her write that in her e-mail....I said I just happened to hear it several times and was wondering if I had missed something?  :)  She said 'I don't even have a good explanation of why I said to be warm'.  Isn't God crazy good in how He speaks to us sometimes?  It's this phrase that keeps getting repeated to me by different people and I know there is a reason for it.
As if that wasn't enough, I received this precious quilt in the mail on Friday morning.  We were blown away.  To say I love it is again, an understatement.  I just have to show it off.

Several friends helped put this together, picking out fabric, sewing and sending a 'blessing ring' with it that includes verses and encouragement.  It is absolutely precious to me.  I will take it to the hospital with me and hope to see it's colors when I wake up.  :)  

On a different note, I just feel compelled to respond to folks who have commented that I seem strong or courageous.  Because I don't feel either.  The only reason why my surgeon won't see my bare bottom with my gown flapping behind me as I try to escape the OR is because of the Grace of God.  I am terrified, but will manage to take one step after another tomorrow by the Grace of God.  I am sad, but know that the tears only last for a little while, by the Grace of God.  I am broken hearted, but have felt comfort because of the Grace of God.  I dread the poking, prodding and pain, but know that I have a powerful God to lean into because He is gracious.  Any good that I have is only by the Grace of God.  I can never claim to have any strength of courage to get through this aside from the Grace of God.  I am thankful to know Him and know that He loves me and that through Him I can do all things.  

Another comment that I have heard from different friends is how even though I may feel like I am walking through a fire, I will not be burned.  In fact, one friend, who has been through unimaginable fire herself, encouraged me with something she learned during her own trial.  That not only will I not be burned, I won't even smell like smoke. :)       

                           

I may smell like a bonfire tomorrow morning because we enjoyed one more family fire and sunset tonight, though.  :)  I took this picture tonight and thought that even though we are walking through fire right now, there is a beautiful sunset at the end.

And here is the basic rundown for tomorrow:

We will arrive at the hospital around 7.  I will have some blood work done (one to confirm that I am not pregnant...hello?  Did we miss the part where I gave birth a month ago?????) and then go to nuclear medicine for the ever dreaded dye injection.  Once that is complete I will go to the OR.  My surgeon said to expect to be in the OR between 9 and 10.  He said surgery may take around 5 hours.  So hopefully, by the time my older two are done with school, I'll be done with surgery.  :)

Please continue to pray for my surgeons and staff.  Please pray, pray, pray for a negative biopsy.
Please continue to lift up my family - for Rich, the kids and my mom as she stays home with the kids.   My husband was a champ and did an amazing job of finally telling the kids that I'm sick and will be going to the hospital and return with some bandages.  :)  I'm so thankful they are too young to worry about me ... the world is right as long as their dad sings jingle bells to them at bedtime.  :)

We love you and are so grateful for the family and friends who have surrounded us and lifted us up before the throne of God.

Much Hartney love,
Rich, Jen, reagan, vera, ada, téa and raleigh

 

I finally cried

tears of JOY!

We officially received our lab results yesterday.  My doctor called on Monday night with the results and started off by saying my results were 'complicated'.  I didn't realize that I had been holding my breath until she said 'but your BRCA1 and 2 (the ones that are directly related to breast cancer) test is negative' and I had tears of such relief, joy and thanks.  I felt like a load of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders.  Something I haven't shared yet is that I had been feeling really burdened with the possibility of having passed on this gene to my four daughters.  I was carrying around some guilt and fear and hearing that my results were negative was such relief.  At first my husband thought something was wrong because I was crying, but I was just SO thankful for the negative results.  The 'complicated' part is that the test did pick up several mutations that seem rare, but at this time there isn't enough research to know if there is any significance to them.  So, for the next 6 months I am in a 'high risk' category, but there isn't much more to it.  Praise God.  Thank you, Lord, for the negative results.

My surgery date is scheduled for Monday, December 1st.  Yep, that's right after the Thanksgiving weekend....let's hope no one on my surgical team goes too heavy on the eggnog.  :)  The biggest decision we are trying to make right now is what type of surgery to have - geesh, who knew you had SO many options and factors in deciding between a lumpectomy, single mastectomy and double mastectomy!  It's a bit overwhelming....to the point that I asked my own 'panel' of advisors for their advice/input.  I felt too deep in the details to think through it all clearly with the big picture in mind.  After praying, researching, asking a ton of questions, I had two thoughts.  1) - I am praying for a peace regarding our decision...an overwhelming peace.  Not that I would necessarily 'like' the decision, but that the right one for us would be clearly revealed through His peace that surpasses all understanding.  and 2) One of my biggest fears is looking like 'frankenstein' afterwards.  I mean, we're talking about some very personal part of my anatomy.  Basically, I will have a form of an amputation and then it is up to a plastic surgeon to recreate what mother nature gave me.  There is science involved, but there is also a lot of 'art'.  And due to restrictions/policies with the Army, my plastic surgeon doesn't have any pictures of his 'art' for me to see.

Now let me tell you how crazy good God is:  I was feeling discouraged about not being able to see any pictures of my plastic surgeon's 'art', but as my surgeon stepped out of the room, the nurse told us how 'good' he is.  She said she was really impressed with his skill.  That helped a little bit, but not really.  Then the Lord reminded me of a friend who had mentioned that she had a procedure done by a plastic surgeon at our same hospital.  I texted her and asked some more details and whether she would be willing to tell me the doc's name.  She had the same doc I have and said he was great!  And she chose him specifically because she was a nurse and used to take care of his patients post op and said he wasn't just a good 'artist' but that he was really good with his patients post op as well.  Hello!  Isn't God good in how He quiets my fears?  And to know that so many events were lined up prior to that day....

                                       This is a rainbow I saw on the way home from church....
                          I consider rainbow sightings extracool when you live in the desert.  :)

I listened to a sermon from an old pastor and was also amazed at how God spoke to my soul.  He spoke about a passage from Exodus 17 where the Israelites fight against the Amalekites (and how cool that our current pastor has also been preaching from Exodus!!!!).  He talked about how as Christians we are to fight on the outside as if it depended on us, but fight on the inside as if it all depended on God.  In other words, fight like crazy with all you've got - your energy, strength and mind, but remember that there is another battle to wage in our souls where it all depends on God.  It's not about just one or the other, but both.  Because what I've learned is that this cancer threatens to kill and destroy my physical body.  And that sucks.  (Can we pause for a moment and just own that?  Yep, feel free to say it.  Cancer sucks.).  BUT, more importantly it also wants me to feel sorry for myself, focus on just myself, use it as an excuse to be grouchy with my family, obsess about my diet and use it as license to do basically whatever I want to do.  And it's where I know that the prayers of family and friends are fighting on our behalf.  We know it and feel the evidence of this battle being waged for us.  Please, keep it up!  We need your prayers.....this battle has only just begun.  I 'enter the ring' in less than 5 days and I will be totally honest and say that I am dreading the day.

And that's where another concept called 'refrigerator friends' comes in.  Our former pastor quoted this from another pastor (sorry, I'm totally failing in documenting these quotes, but bottom line - it's not my concept! :)).  These are the friends that can come over, feel free to open your fridge, eat your leftovers/make a sandwich and it's not weird!  In fact, it's just normal.  It's that level of intimacy where they don't wait for you to wave your hands in the air and have to say how overwhelmed you are - they just know.  And they step in without having to be asked.  They not just want to help, they actually step in and help.  These are the friends of life.  And as Thanksgiving comes up and I realize just HOW MUCH I have to be thankful for, these 'refrigerator' friends are near the top of my list.  The friends that want and are flying in from thousands of miles away to help take care of me and my family.  These friends that didn't need me to ask - they just offered.  And then they acted....probably because they knew I might never ask (yes, I could be called stubborn:)).  And as I think forward through what is to come, I had no idea how much I am looking forward to seeing these soul friends.

I feel like there is so much I forget in each post...., but I am convinced that His Glory is being revealed through my Good.  There is much Glory and Good to be had here (even if, can we say it again? cancer sucks.).  I know that we will look back on this journey and be in awe of how He worked in every detail.  Because none of this battle is in vain.  Every part is used for my good and His Glory.  And even though I can't explain the 'why' of this journey, I do know that it makes me want Him even more.  I don't necessarily want to know more facts.  I want to know Him. I want to know Him more as my daddy who says it's okay to take a break from fighting and rest in Him and I want to know Him more as my Lord who fights for me because I am the daughter of THE King.

And so here are our specific prayer requests:
1) during surgery they will biopsy my lymph nodes to determine if the cancer has spread.  We are praying for NEGATIVE results!
2) prior to surgery I will have some dye injected into me to see where the first/ 'sentinal' lymph nodes are.  I have heard some women say this hurt more than the rest of the procedure and compared it to child birth.  And I have to be alone for this process.  This occupies my thoughts more than the surgery itself (let's face it, I'll be under for several hours and at the point it will be the most sleep I've had in over a month! :)).  Pray for peace and yes, that perhaps my pain tolerance will be at an all time high that day :))
3)  for my friends who are putting their families and responsibilities on hold to come help.  That their families would be covered and cared for and that their children would see how incredible their mommas are.
4)  Again, for my surgical team.  That somehow, someway, even in a surgery that might be routine to them, they would see God's Glory (I'm not sure exactly what I'm asking for so I'll leave it at that).

I will try to post one more update before the surgery and at that point will ask my husband to take over since I will probably not be able to type (and he's a much better write than me!).

Happy Thanksgiving of all Thanksgivings to our family and friends.  We love you and covet the prayers and support.
     

From circus to orchestra.....and being tired.

I've said before that sometimes our car and our house feel like a circus.... when I look around I can almost sometimes hear circus music playing in the background.  Between having a baby, 11 doctor's appointments/scans/tests and adjusting to life with five kiddos, life has felt like a juggling act for the past few weeks.  We have had countless family and friends step in to encourage us, make meals for us, send us notes of encouragement, send gifts, watch kids, pick up older kids from school, clean the house, check in to see how we are doing - we have been loved on extravagantly.  Thank you so, so much.  

We know that others are also going through trials  - from the struggle with the everyday mundane to deployments and everything in between - and loving on us in the midst of that is a sacrifice and it does not go unnoticed.  

It's been our first week without appointments...which has given me a chance to do more research/ask more questions/prepare for the first step, which is surgery.  We met with our surgeon last Friday and during our conversation I mentioned something about praying...  and get this:  He said (something along the lines of ) "you know, it's funny that you  mention prayer because I've had four different occasions of different people mentioning that they were praying for you.  And they don't know that I know you, much less that I'm your surgeon (all in the name of doctor patient confidentiality)."  W.O.W.  Seriously, my surgeon is being shown that God is at work here.  And we are being shown that this situation/diagnosis/cancer and my life is not a circus.  God is orchestrating all things.  For our good.  And His Glory.  

As if that wasn't cool enough, a few days ago my husband got a call from a guy that we've never met.  He said his small group had been praying for us (again, we don't know this guy!) and through a series of events, he realized that we have a very good mutual friend - a friendship of over 10 years!  Have I said how crazy cool God is?  

Because here's the thing:  God doesn't have to show us these mercies.  He could just tell us in His word that He is faithful and good and leave it at that.  But nope, our God chooses to reveal His mercies to us continually because He knows what we need.  He knows when we need encouragement.  He knows when I need to see concrete evidence of His Glory being revealed through my good.  Our life is not a circus comprised of random events.  He is orchestrating all things, in control for our good and His glory.  It has always been, is and will continue to be all in His perfect hands.    

And now here's the nitty gritty:

1) As we wait for the surgery date to draw near, my tears seem closer to the surface.  Maybe it's because I don't have a bunch of appointments to distract me and because I'm having to wean Raleigh more and more,  Maybe it's because the reality of everything is finally starting to sink in.  Maybe it's because I'm tired.  Maybe it's because I have friends offering to fly in to help me post surgery and it makes me realize that this is a big deal.  Maybe it's all of it.  But I'm fighting more and more to keep the tears at bay because I don't want to give in quite yet.  The tears may flow days before surgery or the morning of surgery, or even after surgery, but for now, I'm just not ready for them to flow yet.  I'm not sure how to translate this into a prayer request, so I'll just leave this as it is for now.  

2) The morning of surgery, they will inject me with some dye to help determine where my 'sentinal' lymphnodes are for the biopsy.  There will be a wait of 45 min to 2 hours while we wait for the dye to spread..... pray that I would not run away from the hospital and hop a plane to a secluded island while I wait.  Pray that my nerves would be under control and for the peace that surpasses all understanding.  And you have suggestions for any fun, upbeat songs/playlist or something funny to read by all means pass it along (maybe some Michael Jackson's thriller?  I don't know...just something to distract me).  

3) After the lymphnode biopsy, they will send the cells to the lab to determine whether or not the cancer has spread.  During all the exams and scans, there has been no evidence that it has spread, but this will tell us for sure.  Pray that the lab results return negative.  That my lymphnodes would be clear.  This would mean I can avoid radiation.  Please pray that the cancer has not spread.  

4) While the lab is working on my results, the surgeon will proceed with the double mastectomy.  Please pray for my surgeon and his team - my surgeon's name is Luke.  Please pray not just for a competent team, but that somehow through all this, through my being their patient that they would see God's Glory.  That they would somehow see God in my cancer.  I have no idea how that would happen, but let's just pray for the doctors and nurses to be touched in a very real way.  

5) Once the mastectomy is complete, the plastic surgeon will step in for the reconstruction (which will be completed in phases).  Pray for him as well.  I'll call him Dr. Z.  Pray that He would see God in all this.  And I'll be a bit personal and honest here (as if I haven't been already???).  Please pray that His work is good - honestly, I want to be 'aesthetically happy' with his work.  Because I plan to kick this cancer in the tail and years down the road I'd really appreciate being happy with my 'girls'.  :)  

6) And please pray for the recovery - for no complications/infections.  That I would respond well to the surgery and anaesthesia.  That I would have a sense of peace as I see my 'new normal' self for the first time.  And please pray for for my family and friends who will be helping me during recovery...for grace upon grace on them as they deal with a 'sick and not so fun Jen' and put their needs/responsibilities on hold to help us.  

Here's a passage that I have been reminded of over and over again...and may you be encouraged by it as well:  

" For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of His Glory, He may grant you to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith - that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.  Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever.  Amen."  Hebrews 3: 14-21.  

Overwhelmed..... by Him

Overwhelmed.  I promised to keep it real here, right?

I don't like to go around saying 'I'm overwhelmed', but sometimes, it is what it is and quite frankly, I feel overwhelmed.

                                This is our messy kitchen after attempting new vegetarian/cancer fighting recipes
                                and breakfast.  The state of my kitchen is sometimes a reflection of how I feel.
                               

My mind seems on overdrive with research of cancer treatments, information regarding surgery (lumpectomy vs mastectomy), plastic surgery (yes, I'm vain and want reconstruction - thankful that our insurance covers it!), changing my diet to incorporate cancer fighting foods, supplements, weaning Raleigh in preparation for surgery, etc.  And I know that I'm not firing on all cylinders when I'm on a newborn sleep cycle.  :)  Friends and family can attest to that.  :)  And I'm not exactly the martha stewart of decorating for holidays or the equivalent in terms of running a household with little ones.  I just simply feel like I'm always behind on something.  And so I broke down the other night, after letting crankiness and grumpiness get the best of me, and told my husband just how overwhelmed I felt.  I feel like I'm in a race against time to get so much done before surgery and treatments knock me off my feet for a bit.  And I have no idea how we're going to 'get it all done' when I'm not operating at 100%.

So, there it is - the nitty, gritty of how I feel at times.  Just simply overwhelmed.

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you."  Psalm 55:2

But like I said - my feelings don't change the fact that God is Good.  Can I say that again?  God is good.  He is faithful.  He knows what I need before I even ask.  Don't believe me?  Think that it's just he power of positive thinking?  Here are just a few glimpses into how He has been whispering to me and reassuring me that He has all this in His hands.

1) I mentioned in a post the other day that I was sad for a bit.  Sad for the things that I know are to come and how they will affect my family and friends.  A friend who is a prayer saint of mine said she had been praying for me and just asking God how she could pray for me.  And guess what He revealed to her?  That I was sad.  So that's how she prayed for me - that in my sadness, which is ok, I would find peace and solace in Him, my daddy.  And THEN she read the post where I mentioned being sad.  Geesh, He had friends lifting me up in my sadness before I ever admitted that I was sad!  God is Good. He meets all my needs and knows my deepest desires.  "In your presence there is fullness of joy."  Psalm 16:11

2)  I went to dinner last night with some girlfriends (yes, one of the benefits of starting to wean and having a mom and husband who are willing to hold down the fort for the night to let me have a few hours off!).  I sat across from a beautiful gal that I've been getting to know over the last few months.  We talked a bit about my recent appointments, etc. and I mentioned that we had just met with the plastic surgeon.  And yup, I'm not exactly thrilled about surgery in general, but even more about the recovery. Wouldn't 'ya know?  This beauty, sitting across from me had a double mastectomy with reconstruction - pretty much the same exact procedure that I will be having!  And she was so gracious in sharing her tips, experience, reassurances and even some pictures of recovery.  And I felt some of the anxiety I have just melt away.  I mean, here I am talking and looking at this beauty who has been through what I'm about to face.  God knew that I needed someone to tell me that 'it'll be okay, and you will come through this just fine'.  Someone that has been through it and could talk from experience.  God is Good.

"I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!  Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord."  Psalm 27:13-14

3) An acquaintance of a friend/family was introduced to me recently because of her similar background battling breast cancer.  I have to confess that I am looking at all methods/treatments for this battle to include natural/alternative/holistic therapy in addition the conventional treatment of surgery/chemo/radiation.  And up to now, I don't feel a peace about chemo.  It's not just because I don't want my hair to fall out (we'll deal with that when/if the time comes and figure out to rock a bald head!), but I just don't feel at peace with it.  yet.  God may provide that in due time.  I don't know.  But I called this lady to hear her background and see what her situation was and any advice she may have.  Again - wouldn't 'ya know?  Her tumor was the exact same size as mine, her staging and grade was the same as well.  And she was one year older.  Really?  That's no coincidence.  She had so much to share with me about natural/alternative methods of treatment that she has pursued after her cancer returned when she followed a regiment of surgery/chemo/radiation.  God is Good.      

"This I know that God is for me."  Psalm 56:9
" Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisors, they succeed."  Provers 15:22

You want more evidence of how God continues to give me glimpses of HIS OVERWHELMING goodness to me?  Just ask - I have more to share.

And that's just where my 'I feel overwhelmed' met HIS overwhelming goodness to me.  His overwhelming Grace.  He keeps meeting my needs - physical, emotional, mental - everything.

We have another appointment with our surgeon today.  We'll discuss a tentative date of surgery for December 1st.  It depends on a few factors/coordinating with other surgeons/having the right stock for reconstruction on hand.

Honestly, it's not the date I was hoping for - my mom is in town and leaves December 5th, so that doesn't exactly maximize my recovery time with her help.  BUT, I'm choosing to not fight it or try to manipulate the date.  He keeps showing me that He has woven all details of this journey together and that He has already chosen the best date for my good and His Glory.  Because there's a bigger story here than just my battle with cancer.  As our pastor said so well, recently, it's about how He chooses to use our good to reveal His Glory.  Doesn't that blow you away?  That He chooses and works for our Good as a way to reveal His Glory.  So I will not fret about the date, but just trust and wait expectantly.

"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of Grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."  Hebrews 4:16

" But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning.  For you have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress.  O my strength, I will sing praises to you, for you, O God, are my fortress, the God who shows me steadfast love."  Psalm 59:16-17