A very good day.
Last Friday we had a very full day of appointments - mammogram, ultrasound and MRI. I learned a few things... a mammogram machine could be considered a modern day torture device...ok, maybe I exaggerate, but I definitely think it was designed by a guy. :) An ultrasound of your armpits is soothingly non eventful. :) And I may be just a wee bit claustrophobic (note to self, check that box next time!).
By the grace of God the mammogram went as smooth as possible...I won't get into too many details, but considering I was one week into nursing, it could have been way, way worse, but God is so faithful - even in details regarding lactation. :)
As I was being moved into the MRI machine I started to panic...it came out of nowhere because I had no idea that I would feel so claustrophobic. I was laying on my tummy, arms stretched out in front, surrounded by some loud noises...imagine a wonder woman pose moving backwards on a conveyer belt. Maybe it was just the newness of it all or the sensory deprivation, but like I said I started feeling panicky. I almost hit the tap out button, but did something my mother in law said she did during her MRI for her arm. I just started singing a hymn. It's a hymn that has been with me for a long time...from our engagement, through deployment, what I sing to the kids at night...I just started singing it over and over again to myself and prayed to get through the next 40 minutes.
"Come Thou fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing thy praise. Streams of mercy never ceasing, call for songs of loudest praise."
As I came out of the MRI I joked with the techs that I felt like I should be wearing a cape because of the funny pose I was in..... until I almost fell down when I got up because I got super light headed. But all in all, it is over. :)
When I came out to the waiting room I found Rich with Raleigh and our surgeon! He had come and found Rich to give us an update on more test results.
Here's where it gets really good: based on the mammogram and ultrasound, the cancer has NOT spread. Yep, yep - one big hurray! And the 'markers' of my labs came back as HER - (her negative)...between HER negative and positive, negative is a good thing. Another BIG hurray! That was all SUCH GREAT NEWS. And SO encouraging. It felt good to just rest in the good news.
As I mentioned a few posts back, I also want to keep things real and be as transparent as possible so everyone knows that any strength and encouragement I have comes from God and God only. I can take zero credit for any goodness.
In the middle of the night when I was feeding Raleigh and the whole house was quiet, a new feeling came over me. Sadness. I wasn't mad or afraid. Just sad. Because I know that this battle will take a toll. It will physically take parts of my body in a very real way. If we do chemo/radiation, it will take a toll on my family and friends. I will lose moments with the kids, friends, family....and I don't have to mention that Thanksgiving and Christmas are right around the corner. Will I be curled up in the corner or in my bed with my head covered in a bandana only having the energy to watch my family? Yes, this battle will not be easy. And so I had a few moments of sadness.
BUT, God promises to bring beauty from ashes. He promises to restore the years the locusts have eaten. In Hebrews 10, I am reminded that Christ, when He died for my sins, made access to God a very real and personal relationship. And because He has already paved the way, I can - am supposed to - approach Him with confidence that He hears me. I can ask and know that He does not shoo me away or ignore me or minimize what I feel. He hears me and desires my good and His Glory.
Today we meet with the oncologist where we will discuss options regarding chemo. I am not thrilled. at all. I am a bit apprehensive. But as a dear friend reminded me, (Matthew 6:8) He already knows what we need before we even ask. That's pretty cool.
Monday, November 3, 2014
Thursday, October 30, 2014
In Awe
First things first: Praise God for a healthy baby and delivery!
Raleigh Mae Hartney was born October 24th, 2014, 1:14 p.m., weighing 6 lbs, 12.8 oz. :) She is perfect. Such a gift.
Dad with his hands full. :)
Raleigh Mae Hartney was born October 24th, 2014, 1:14 p.m., weighing 6 lbs, 12.8 oz. :) She is perfect. Such a gift.
I had zero complications and am leaps and bounds ahead of where I was after the last two births. Thank you for your prayers. We are so grateful that I came home with no transfusions - thank you, but you can keep the blood 'cause this momma don't need it!
It's been almost a week of soaking her in while my head swirls with countless doctor's names, numbers, titles and appointments. With everything we're trying to keep track of Rich made a wise suggestion to compile a 'cancer binder'. Which was a fun distraction because, of course, I want to make it look pretty. :)
Thank you, everyone - family and friends - for all your encouragement and words of scripture and reminders that we are not in this alone. I'm blown away by the gifts (yes, folks sent Halloween costumes for the kiddos - AWESOME!), meals, countless offers to help, texts just to 'check in' and generosity. Geesh, you'd think I just told you I had cancer or something..... oh yeah. I do.
And as a friend put it, the reality of everything hits me in waves. Raleigh has been such a sweet distraction from everything else - from having to take a break from researching/scheduling/coordinating to feed her or funny things like being so relieved to get through parent teacher conferences without cabbage leaves falling out of my shirt ( consider yourself lucky if you don't know what this means). I had some quiet moments in the shower the other day and just found myself asking God, 'please, let me live to see my children's children....and their children. Please, Lord.' I was reminded that even though I have this diagnosis, it doesn't change who my Creator is one bit. He has always been, is and always will be the One who knit me in my mother's womb, and at the same time commands the heavens and earth. So, even in the moments when I feel like I am 'walking through the valley of the shadow of death', I do not have to fear. He is our strength and shield and help in times of trouble.
His mercies are new every morning. Today we had the first of a series of appointments with a geneticist. The doc was really great - she took her time explaining everything while I took notes. This was good because when you first walk into an oncology clinic and are surrounded by dozens of mannequin heads with wigs and bandanas it feels a bit surreal (by the way, if I have to shave my head I'm going to color it something funky first....taking votes - blonde, deep red or light brown??? :)). And then I'm snapped back into reality as Raleigh has her first blow out and Rich and I are teaming up to get her cleaned up....actually, I just handed Rich the wipes. He did the dirty work. And is it just not ironic to be breastfeeding, too?? The doc set up the genetic test for me right after our appointment which is a huge praise - it's a week earlier than was originally scheduled! And the biggest joy was seeing what a breath of fresh air Raleigh brought to the clinic. This little bundle of perfect, fresh, life in the midst of cancer patients. The staff just ogled over her. We've been on the receiving end of so much goodness - it felt good to bring something good to others.
Tomorrow we have a busy day of mammogram, ultrasound and MRI...some will understand what I mean when I say it is going to be tricky due to the fact that I'm nursing. But I just have to rely on God to get us through...I keep trying to come up with a timeline of feedings or how to work around the issue of being very full of milk and all these exams, but I'm just taking a deep breath and trusting God to get us through it.
In the meantime, here are a few pics of our new addition. God is good.
Just for fun - mustache day at school!
The biggest and littlest sis
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Cancer
I have Stage 2 Breast Cancer.
Whew. It takes a bit of getting used to to say/write that. My apologies for having to be so blunt, but I don't think there is an 'unblunt' way to say it.
I had a biopsy done last week and we received results a couple days ago that confirmed what doctors initially thought. It has been a roller coaster of events the past week or two, but getting results and knowing a diagnosis is somewhat of a reprieve from all the unknowns/attempts at planning future events.
I know sometimes it helps to have details to process news like this so here is a rundown....
Let me start by rewinding a bit: A couple weeks ago I had a routine appointment to check on the baby...nothing was too out of the ordinary except the measurements were slightly small, so my OB referred me for an ultrasound just to be safe. I also mentioned a lump I had noticed so she put in a referral for that as well.
At my appointment for the baby on Friday, the tech asked if I just wanted to do the scan for the lump as well (that appointment was originally a week later) and of course I said yes since I was already there and had childcare. After that scan the doc said in his opinion it was likely cancer, but a biopsy would be needed to confirm anything. At this point, things started moving quickly. He conferred with my OB and surgeon and everyone agreed that it was best to get baby delivered in order to let me have maximum recovery prior to potential surgery/treatment. So, 48 hours later, friends rallied with prayer and fasting, childcare, meals, my mother in law booked a flight and we were at the hospital being induced on a Sunday morning.....
You would think we would then come home with a baby in our arms....we did come home with a baby...still inside. After two rounds of meds my body was contracting, but not responding enough so based on the doctor's opinion (different doctor was on call) we called it off and came home. I had complications on the last delivery so there was concern regarding pounding my body with another round of meds and we decided to give my body more time to delivery as naturally as possible.
Tuesday afternoon the little girls were napping, my mother in law was resting and I was prepping some food in the kitchen. That's when I received the phone call with a positive diagnosis of invasive breast cancer. On Wednesday we had appts with the OB and surgeon and here we are on Thursday, processing through it all.
Praises:
1) The scan, results and meeting with our surgeon has happened about a week faster than we initially thought. The radiologist requested results to be expedited and the surgeon moved up our appointment from Friday to Wednesday. If you are like me, once there is a 'likely' diagnosis for something, you just want to know and get the uncertainty/waiting over with. God has been faithful in the timing of all the events.
2) Even though the induction did not go as anticipated, I know it helped get my body closer to ready for delivery and it was a good warm up for the real deal (I'm still a bit gun shy of labor and birth based on our last experience!).
3) God was SO gracious in the timing of receiving the diagnosis. The timing could not have been more perfectly orchestrated. After I was told I had cancer I walked outside for some fresh air, and had the privacy and space I needed to process everything. I needed the space. It's how I'm wired. It would have been so much harder for me to handle it in front of the kids, at the grocery store, school, lessons, etc. I needed that solitary time.
4) Our appointment with the surgeon could not have gone better (aside from him saying, whoops, we read your results wrong, just kidding, not cancer :)). He was compassionate yet very professional, taking time to answer all our questions and being very thorough. Turns out he is also a grad and guess what? We have mutual friends/acquaintances. And best of all, he is a believer and his wife was saved in Young Life. Wow. My biggest apprehension before meeting with the surgeon was that he would treat me like another number and body waiting to be sliced up...but we felt so comfortable after our meeting.
5) Additional tests need to be done to figure out the best course of treatment: lumpectomy/masectomy, radiation/chemo, etc. The main test we need to wait on takes about three weeks to complete so that gives me THREE weeks to nurse. This is a gift. I had already been grieving that I would not be able to nurse or have time to bond with baby, but three weeks is more than I had thought. And my mom was already scheduled to be here the same week I am scheduled for some type of surgery. God is good.
6) There are so many more praises that I know I'm forgetting, but it is by the sheer grace of God that we haven't unraveled. :) Truly, I feel hope and joy and am SO amazed by the mercies that God continues to reveal to us.
All that said, I want to be transparent and not pretend like having cancer is a bed of roses. So, here are a few of my 'keeping it reals'.
1) Rich came home after I called him with the diagnosis and he found me curled up on our bed. That's when I had my hearty I-don't-know-when-I'll-stop-crying-I-can-hardly-catch-my-breath sob. I haven't been skipping through this - it is scary, it is overwhelming and it's still so surreal.
2) Most likely I will not be able to nurse for any longer past the surgery. At least that is what I'm braced for. Now I don't necessarily LOVE nursing... but I have always appreciated being able to nurse and let my body provide what the baby needs for the first year. Guilt for not being able to do this lingers.
3) Between having a baby in the next couple days (if the baby does not come on his/her own today, I am scheduled for induction on Friday) and all the extra tests, exams and future breast surgery of some sort, I feel a bit like a rag doll, exposed. Not much of my body seems to belong to me at this point. But then I remember Christ died on the cross, physically abused and exposed with no dignity. He knows how I feel.
4) I have to fight the nagging feeling of guilt....for putting my family and friends through this. For the worry that I know it causes and extra work for all those helping us. But guilt is not from Him so I am fighting the feelings of guilt with gratitude for an unbelievably supportive community of our family and friends. It is humbling to know that folks are interceding for us and praying for us.
5) umm...halloween is just around the corner, I don't have kids costumes together yet and bucket loads of sugar will inevitably make it's way into our house.... and most research recommends a sugar free diet for helping fight cancer. It's kind of like my kryptonite, I guess. But I need to remember that my kids DON'T have cancer and I can't freak out over every single thing they eat right now. I am adjusting my diet because I am the one with cancer. But how I love twix.......
Prayer Requests: In order to give me maximum recovery time, we are scheduled for induction on Friday, but I would LOVE for the baby to make it's own appearance before then (yep...that's less than 24 hours from now...). After my last delivery I had a severe hemorrhage and required four transfusions, so my past history with delivery isn't great.... we covet prayers for most importantly a healthy baby and healthy delivery so that I can be ready for future surgery/treatment.
I apologize again that this post was so matter of fact/clinical, but it's the best way I can get the story and facts told. I know folks have been praying for us fervently and I hope these details help.
God is good. Our circumstances do not change His nature. Instead, His goodness and faithfulness gives us Hope and promise through the circumstances. I hope that makes sense. He never promised an easy life. But He has promised over and over again in the bible that He will never leave or forsake us...even if we feel like we are walking through the valley of the shadow of death...He will sustain us. He is my shield and hears our prayers.
I know the road ahead is going to be long and at times, not pretty, but I know He will never leave me. All good things comes from Him. All glory to Him and Him only.
Here's to future posts of baby and more funny things. :)
Oh, and we STILL haven't settled on names yet, so you've got less than 24 hours to make any suggestsions! :)
Whew. It takes a bit of getting used to to say/write that. My apologies for having to be so blunt, but I don't think there is an 'unblunt' way to say it.
I had a biopsy done last week and we received results a couple days ago that confirmed what doctors initially thought. It has been a roller coaster of events the past week or two, but getting results and knowing a diagnosis is somewhat of a reprieve from all the unknowns/attempts at planning future events.
I know sometimes it helps to have details to process news like this so here is a rundown....
Let me start by rewinding a bit: A couple weeks ago I had a routine appointment to check on the baby...nothing was too out of the ordinary except the measurements were slightly small, so my OB referred me for an ultrasound just to be safe. I also mentioned a lump I had noticed so she put in a referral for that as well.
At my appointment for the baby on Friday, the tech asked if I just wanted to do the scan for the lump as well (that appointment was originally a week later) and of course I said yes since I was already there and had childcare. After that scan the doc said in his opinion it was likely cancer, but a biopsy would be needed to confirm anything. At this point, things started moving quickly. He conferred with my OB and surgeon and everyone agreed that it was best to get baby delivered in order to let me have maximum recovery prior to potential surgery/treatment. So, 48 hours later, friends rallied with prayer and fasting, childcare, meals, my mother in law booked a flight and we were at the hospital being induced on a Sunday morning.....
You would think we would then come home with a baby in our arms....we did come home with a baby...still inside. After two rounds of meds my body was contracting, but not responding enough so based on the doctor's opinion (different doctor was on call) we called it off and came home. I had complications on the last delivery so there was concern regarding pounding my body with another round of meds and we decided to give my body more time to delivery as naturally as possible.
Tuesday afternoon the little girls were napping, my mother in law was resting and I was prepping some food in the kitchen. That's when I received the phone call with a positive diagnosis of invasive breast cancer. On Wednesday we had appts with the OB and surgeon and here we are on Thursday, processing through it all.
Praises:
1) The scan, results and meeting with our surgeon has happened about a week faster than we initially thought. The radiologist requested results to be expedited and the surgeon moved up our appointment from Friday to Wednesday. If you are like me, once there is a 'likely' diagnosis for something, you just want to know and get the uncertainty/waiting over with. God has been faithful in the timing of all the events.
2) Even though the induction did not go as anticipated, I know it helped get my body closer to ready for delivery and it was a good warm up for the real deal (I'm still a bit gun shy of labor and birth based on our last experience!).
3) God was SO gracious in the timing of receiving the diagnosis. The timing could not have been more perfectly orchestrated. After I was told I had cancer I walked outside for some fresh air, and had the privacy and space I needed to process everything. I needed the space. It's how I'm wired. It would have been so much harder for me to handle it in front of the kids, at the grocery store, school, lessons, etc. I needed that solitary time.
4) Our appointment with the surgeon could not have gone better (aside from him saying, whoops, we read your results wrong, just kidding, not cancer :)). He was compassionate yet very professional, taking time to answer all our questions and being very thorough. Turns out he is also a grad and guess what? We have mutual friends/acquaintances. And best of all, he is a believer and his wife was saved in Young Life. Wow. My biggest apprehension before meeting with the surgeon was that he would treat me like another number and body waiting to be sliced up...but we felt so comfortable after our meeting.
5) Additional tests need to be done to figure out the best course of treatment: lumpectomy/masectomy, radiation/chemo, etc. The main test we need to wait on takes about three weeks to complete so that gives me THREE weeks to nurse. This is a gift. I had already been grieving that I would not be able to nurse or have time to bond with baby, but three weeks is more than I had thought. And my mom was already scheduled to be here the same week I am scheduled for some type of surgery. God is good.
6) There are so many more praises that I know I'm forgetting, but it is by the sheer grace of God that we haven't unraveled. :) Truly, I feel hope and joy and am SO amazed by the mercies that God continues to reveal to us.
All that said, I want to be transparent and not pretend like having cancer is a bed of roses. So, here are a few of my 'keeping it reals'.
1) Rich came home after I called him with the diagnosis and he found me curled up on our bed. That's when I had my hearty I-don't-know-when-I'll-stop-crying-I-can-hardly-catch-my-breath sob. I haven't been skipping through this - it is scary, it is overwhelming and it's still so surreal.
2) Most likely I will not be able to nurse for any longer past the surgery. At least that is what I'm braced for. Now I don't necessarily LOVE nursing... but I have always appreciated being able to nurse and let my body provide what the baby needs for the first year. Guilt for not being able to do this lingers.
3) Between having a baby in the next couple days (if the baby does not come on his/her own today, I am scheduled for induction on Friday) and all the extra tests, exams and future breast surgery of some sort, I feel a bit like a rag doll, exposed. Not much of my body seems to belong to me at this point. But then I remember Christ died on the cross, physically abused and exposed with no dignity. He knows how I feel.
4) I have to fight the nagging feeling of guilt....for putting my family and friends through this. For the worry that I know it causes and extra work for all those helping us. But guilt is not from Him so I am fighting the feelings of guilt with gratitude for an unbelievably supportive community of our family and friends. It is humbling to know that folks are interceding for us and praying for us.
5) umm...halloween is just around the corner, I don't have kids costumes together yet and bucket loads of sugar will inevitably make it's way into our house.... and most research recommends a sugar free diet for helping fight cancer. It's kind of like my kryptonite, I guess. But I need to remember that my kids DON'T have cancer and I can't freak out over every single thing they eat right now. I am adjusting my diet because I am the one with cancer. But how I love twix.......
Prayer Requests: In order to give me maximum recovery time, we are scheduled for induction on Friday, but I would LOVE for the baby to make it's own appearance before then (yep...that's less than 24 hours from now...). After my last delivery I had a severe hemorrhage and required four transfusions, so my past history with delivery isn't great.... we covet prayers for most importantly a healthy baby and healthy delivery so that I can be ready for future surgery/treatment.
I apologize again that this post was so matter of fact/clinical, but it's the best way I can get the story and facts told. I know folks have been praying for us fervently and I hope these details help.
God is good. Our circumstances do not change His nature. Instead, His goodness and faithfulness gives us Hope and promise through the circumstances. I hope that makes sense. He never promised an easy life. But He has promised over and over again in the bible that He will never leave or forsake us...even if we feel like we are walking through the valley of the shadow of death...He will sustain us. He is my shield and hears our prayers.
I know the road ahead is going to be long and at times, not pretty, but I know He will never leave me. All good things comes from Him. All glory to Him and Him only.
Here's to future posts of baby and more funny things. :)
Oh, and we STILL haven't settled on names yet, so you've got less than 24 hours to make any suggestsions! :)
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Transitions and His Severe Mercy
Sometimes it feels like life is a never ending series of transitions. And to be candid, I, in general, do not like transitions. It means moving out of my comfort zone, into something new and often times, it's not when or where or how I would have liked to transition! With one exception so far - going from single to newlywed - that was a fun transition. But since then, transitions like new jobs, changing jobs, moving (again and again and again), having kids (you bet I'm going to expand on that! :)), saying good bye to good friends, making new friends, going back and forth between parenting with a spouse to flying solo, school (homeschool and public school), kids changing grades, etc...the list can go on. And sometimes those transitions happen back to back and it can be overwhelming, exciting and sad all at the same time and your husband wonders why in the world you just broke down in tears because he made pancakes instead of waffles on saturday morning. O.Y. V.A.Y. (Truly, my husband makes yummy pancakes!).
But the biggest transition I can think of has been going from a Company Commander to a stay at home mom. Now, let me be clear: that is an understatement. A BIG understatement. And it's a transition that I'm not sure I've conquered yet (yes, it's been six years....progress seems slow at times). Though I think any transition from 'former life' to 'mom' can be tough. period.
I was sitting in a room full of moms yesterday and we were made to think about how to view our roles as moms with significance. This may seem simple at first. Or difficult? I couldn't decide. On one hand, by the Grace of God, I keep my kids alive on a daily basis. So, yes, I matter. On the other hand, I've had endless moments wondering if everything I 'gave up' was worth it to stay home and change diapers, wipe noses, clean up (again), cook (again) all while the distance between me and the 'work force' grew wider and wider and the brain cells I had seem to be fewer and fewer ( I was confronted with that reality when I 'discovered' a dirty diaper I had somehow put in the FRIDGE and realized the most stimulating conversation I had one day was about how fairy wings grow. Anyone????).
I'm sure that a psychologist might attribute some of my doubts to the fact that I did not grow up with a stay at home mom. And I still went to college. Got married. And had kids. So, if I can do that without a parent that could stay home (I'm not criticizing my parents nor do I resent the reality that both my parents had to work to make ends meet) then does it really matter that I choose to stay at home with my kids? And by the way, it's hard. For me, at least. I have not cruised through motherhood. For me, the equation of 'you turn out 'fine' even if neither parent is home' + 'this is a hard job!'= having doubts about the significance of what I do.
And here is where I have been given Grace to realize His Severe Mercy for me (if you haven't read a Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken, put it on your list!): the hardest part of this transition to motherhood has been His refining work in me. In His Mercy, He guides me through this transition (which can be different for everyone - stay at home mom, working mom, single mom/parent, grandparent ,etc). for My Good and His Glory.
In my former DINK life, I was proud of my job and for the most part enjoyed it. I served our country. A country that gave my parents amazing opportunities to pursue happiness and opportunities for their only child that wasn't available in their birth country. And I did volunteer work. In short, I considered my life to be 'good', full of 'good works' and I was happy with it. When I became a mom, I realized that though my former job had selfless aspects to it, it was 'me-centered'. God, in His Severe Mercy, showed me how unaware I had been of my self centeredness. Only now do I see how the biggest (sometimes unwanted) transition of my life thus far has been merciful. And so yes, it IS significant.
Something else that makes me doubt my significance as a mom (other than the lack of pay check, rank, ratings, raise, etc.) is what I mentioned earlier. It can be a tough job. And sometimes I fall flat on my face. One of the strengths that I'm thankful for is that I am a good shot (I know, this seems so unrelated to parenting skills, right???). I can qualify expert on several types of weapons (yes, again, such a useless skill currently). But I used to be terrible. Horrible. Like I could barely hit the target (actually, I could barely SEE the target thanks to all the gear we had to wear). I dreaded going to the range in hopes that I would 'qualify'. I even had to go back as a repeat failure a couple times. Then, one day, for whatever reason, it just clicked and I qualified as an expert (EVERYONE was suprised. :)). And now I love shooting. All that to say, just because the job of parenting may be hard, it doesn't mean we aren't doing a good job. Most newfound skills start off as hard. Unless you're Chuck Norris. I digress.
Sunday, August 10, 2014
How to Fight
Like so many others, my heart and mind keep thinking of the Christians, both big and small, being persecuted on the other side of the world. It's beyond comprehension to think of the terrors that so many are facing for a faith that I practice and proclaim with such freedom from my little corner of the world. It's not ironic, it's tragic. And my first response when I started reading reports of the atrocities, was 'let me back in the fight somehow, Lord!'. If I could, if there was a way, I'd go back in a heartbeat to help fight. It's hard to believe that almost ten years ago, I was on the ground in Iraq, living a very different life. I thought that situation was bad back then. I had no idea how much worse it would be a decade later. And I keep thinking of them....wondering if they have survived.
And then I started questioning so many things that currently consume my energy and time on a minute by minute basis. I actually started resenting and feeling so 'bothered' by the little hands and noses that I had to wipe, the little tummies that needed to be filled with food, the little bodies that required some sunscreen because we have the privilege of going to a pool, all the water bottles that need to filled with clean water that flows freely in our home, the seemingly gazillion shoes that I seem to be constantly tripping over (because of course we have crocs for the pool and sand, gym shoes for running around and a couple 'nice ' shoes for church). It all kind of seems a bit ridiculous when others are just hoping to take their next breath.
Even if there was a way to return to help and fight for those being persecuted, this big 'ol swollen, third trimester belly would make me a hindrance rather than helpful. And then I started questioning God on what in the world I had gotten myself into. I've always daydreamed of a second career as a first responder - firefighter, rescue diver, smoke jumper, ER/trauma doc, paramedic, heck - even someone that would stop and give CPR to someone dying on the side of the road. In the back of my mind, there was this creeping thought that I'm not where I'm supposed to be (literally and figuratively) and somewhere along the way I chose the wrong path.
But God is ever so gracious - in my questioning and doubts He gently reminded me that He is Sovereign. Always has been. Is. and Always will be.
He reminded me through another (much wiser) friend's post that "He sees and He will make this right." Just as He rescued His people in Exodus 14:27-28, He will rescue again.
He reminded me that prayer is not to be underestimated. I had to hear that CLEARLY from Him as I felt useless praying while washing my sink of dirty dishes that had been used to serve good, healthy food to my kids. After returning from Iraq, a precious friend and family member shared with me that she was woken in the middle of the night and just felt a strong urge to pray for me. And as she was talking to her mom the next day, turns out the same thing happened to her mom. Two different people, two different homes, at the same time felt the urge to pray for me on the other side of the world. That's no coincidence. Only in heaven will I know what I was protected/spared from that day. And so I will pray. and pray. and pray. and my kids have started to pray, too.
He reminded me that though my heart longs to help those on the other side of the world, He has not made a mistake in placing me where I am. While my husband is away (but we're in the homestretch!!!!!), I, by the GRACE OF GOD, have been the sole everything for our kids. And this job, that kicks my butt on a daily basis, is not to be taken lightly because in the midst of all the mundane, day to day tasks, this is a job about raising eternal souls who are sons and daughters of the one true KING. (If our kids each get married, that's our kiddos x 2, which to me seems like a lot of folks to be building a heritage for!) Regardless of a fire down the road or tragedy across the world, He has placed me where I am and my only task is to be faithful to the job given me. He asks nothing more and nothing less and provides abundant grace for the job at hand.
And wouldn't the enemy love it if I just quit praying and gave up on my job of raising souls????? You betcha.
So, I will be faithful in my current job and continue to pray. I'm not fighting with weapons and fancy technology this time...but He is far more powerful.
For those that are in the fight, literally, we will fight the best way we know how: with prayer. God speed.
Friday, July 11, 2014
Joy and our Current State of Affairs
I recently read this excerpt from the following blog:
(http://www.aholyexperience.com/2014/07/the-pink-outfit-move-beyond-surviving-to-choose-joy-and-rest/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+HolyExperience+%28Holy+Experience%29)
"It’s easy when you’re young to believe dreams can come true.
(http://www.aholyexperience.com/2014/07/the-pink-outfit-move-beyond-surviving-to-choose-joy-and-rest/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+HolyExperience+%28Holy+Experience%29)
"It’s easy when you’re young to believe dreams can come true.
But if you’ve ever truly had a perfect moment carry you to a place of belief—whether it be a positive pregnancy test, a romance, friendship, a parent, your health, a career, maybe a home or a life-long passion —and then had it taken away, then you know what it feels like to see something perfect end up in the refuse of broken dreams and mismatched opportunities.
You begin to wonder whether anything is worth delighting in again."
The writer goes on to describe the definition of being 'joy-wounded'. I relate to it in terms of being disappointed. And in my case, disappointment leads further down the road of independence and protecting myself from further disappointment. Why? because hoping in something, allowing yourself to experience joy leaves you so stinkin' vulnerable. But independence can also be so very tiring.
Just as so many other spouses have done, are doing and will continue doing, I'm flying solo for a bit. That means I am the de facto parent, teacher, coach, nurse, bad guy, good guy, chauffeur, chef, baker, maid, accountant, lawn person (can't think of the word), life guard, and most recently, plumber. I'm not asking for any accolades - so many of my peers have done it and most for much longer periods of time!
But that leads me to this pic of the current state of affairs in my kitchen: aka my first experience uninstalling a dishwasher. Also a visual of how my brain feels at times. And a good excuse for not cooking dinner tonight...again. :)
Here's the background on the dishwasher: we replaced our broken one a few weeks ago before my husband left. He installed it. It worked. For a week. Then it broke. The week he left. The company agreed to swap it out for a new one, but installation is now on me. :) I have friends standing by waiting for the word to help install the new one, but I figured I wanted to save them time and energy and now that I uninstalled it, I think I know how to install the new one. I think.
After this near disaster (did I mention arm wrestling a rusted valve to try and stop a leak, and yes, the baby scorpion?), I sat down for a breather and read the quote mentioned above.
How true that my past disappointments have led me to a place of such fierce independence. Yes, in many ways, independence is a strength - one that I hope to instill in my kids. But after some time it leads to weariness. So I need to remember to build in rest. Physical rest. Spiritual rest. Emotional and mental rest.
In rest, I can lean in closer to the Father. In rest, I can breathe in His Spirit. In rest, I remember that He has never left my side, nor will ever leave my side. In rest, I can hope and joy again. In His rest, I find strength.
I hope this is a reminder and encouragement for those who are looking to find joy beyond mere survival. God knows it was a much needed and timely reminder for me.
And how appropriate that my first niece, Joy, was born two days ago. Thank you Lord, for Joy.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Say what?? An early Mother's Day Thank You
I'm finally coming out of that crazy, hormonal, unbelievably exhausting phase called the first trimester.....seriously, I think it is some domestic form of torture. I know it may sound like an exaggeration, but I am just plain 'ol not a fan of the first trimester. I just want to hibernate and wake up when it's over.
Maybe I can blame it on the hormones and sleep deprivation, but I'm about to be brutally honest about something here: when posed with the question regarding kids, 'knowing what you do, would you do it all over again'??? I didn't immediately answer 'yes, of course!' I know. I know. Feel free to judge me as a less than stellar mom for even hesitating to answer yes, but again, I'm choosing to be transparent here. It's a question that really stuck with me and I wondered what was wrong with me for not immediately answering yes.
See, there are many, many (probably most??) moms who would immediately answer yes to that question. I admire you. I know many of you. I truly respect those moms that are working their very darndest (not sure if that's a word) to raise the next generation in the best way they know how - working moms, stay at home moms, mentor moms, teen moms - all forms. But I, for whatever reason, hesitated in saying yes.
In the end, I came to the conclusion that of course I would have kids all over again...but sometimes, like lately, when it just feels like you're in the thick of it, I question and doubt. I have moments when I couldn't be more thankful to be with my kids in these little years....and then I have moments when I want to run away. I have moments when I'm amazed by the questions they ask...and then I have moments when I just can't take another 'question' and can feel my brain cells dying (again, being brutally honest here). I have moments when I so enjoy watching my kids play...and then I have moments I just want to press a mute and freeze button. I have moments when I truly joy over them and then I have moments when I want to sign them all up for day care and get a job at starbucks..or mcdonald's, or a greeter at WalMart. I have moments when I in am awe of all our little blessings and then I have moments where I want to run away...oops, I already mentioned running away.
So I couldn't really trust my feelings to answer this question. I had to stick with what I 'know' in my head. I know that older moms have said over and over again, 'enjoy the little years...they go by faster than you think.' I have heard them say countless times, 'it's hard, but so worth it'. Sometimes when you're in the thick of it, surrounded by the fog and haze of exhaustion and relentless demands/jobs, it's those seasoned voices that help you through the dark tunnels. It's when those older moms bend down with arms wide open and swoop your kids up in a big 'ol hug that remind you of the joy of little ones.
And when you feel beaten down and at the end of your rope, it's those other moms who are on the same journey with you who come beside you and offer a hand, dust you off, offer a glass of wine, and ease your burden just a bit - these friends are gold. And the really good ones? They hold you accountable: to ask your kids for forgiveness and then tell you to move on. None of us are perfect. Don't beat yourself up. You're doing a good job.
And then factor in the military or any job where you move often, uproot and try to 'root' again, and do this parenting thing often far from family and too often solo while a spouse is in another country. Whew. That's what makes those mentor moms and moms on the same journey that much more precious to me. I appreciate you all so much and you mean more to me than I could ever really express.
See, as long as I've been a mom, we've lived far from family....And growing up, I had a happy childhood, but both my parents worked long hours to make ends meet and when your parents go through a divorce, it tends to suck up their emotional availability. So when I became a mom I had to learn so much from scratch....trial and error...which is why I'm pretty convinced that God sent me some awesome mentors and friends to teach me what I clearly didn't know. I know some a.m.a.z.i.n.g. moms. Not because they are perfect, but because they simply care for those around them in such selfless ways.
Which brings me to a big 'say what'? If you are familiar with Young Life, then you are probably familiar with Young Lives. It's a ministry for teen moms. We've been involved with Young Life for years and have loved working with teens...and though I knew about Young Lives I never felt called to it. Until now. We live in an area where the teen parent population is h.i.g.h. and God has put a burden on my heart for those young moms. And go figure, God has put the same burden on another mom that I'm thankful to call friend. :) When my days are long, my heart aches for those young moms who are pregnant/have kids and who are just kids themselves. See, my days may be trying, but I have one of the most amazingly supportive husbands. e.v.e.r. And he's also an amazing dad. Many teen moms don't have a support network, sometimes not even a place to live (when they get kicked out by family), and oh yeah, are just trying to finish high school.
So after much prayer...and we're still praying...we're hoping to launch Young Lives here. We want to help bring beauty from ashes. Show these young moms the redemption of Jesus. Show them acceptance in Christ instead of condemnation. Look after the fatherless. Save lives of both babies and moms and dads. See families restored. We're just a couple of moms who sometimes don't exactly feel like we're doing the job right with our own kids...but we feel burdened for our city of teen moms. I feel wholly under qualified for this endeavor, but just trusting His lead. Please pray for us as we begin this adventure.
And to those friends who have 'mothered' me, Happy Mother's Day!
Maybe I can blame it on the hormones and sleep deprivation, but I'm about to be brutally honest about something here: when posed with the question regarding kids, 'knowing what you do, would you do it all over again'??? I didn't immediately answer 'yes, of course!' I know. I know. Feel free to judge me as a less than stellar mom for even hesitating to answer yes, but again, I'm choosing to be transparent here. It's a question that really stuck with me and I wondered what was wrong with me for not immediately answering yes.
See, there are many, many (probably most??) moms who would immediately answer yes to that question. I admire you. I know many of you. I truly respect those moms that are working their very darndest (not sure if that's a word) to raise the next generation in the best way they know how - working moms, stay at home moms, mentor moms, teen moms - all forms. But I, for whatever reason, hesitated in saying yes.
In the end, I came to the conclusion that of course I would have kids all over again...but sometimes, like lately, when it just feels like you're in the thick of it, I question and doubt. I have moments when I couldn't be more thankful to be with my kids in these little years....and then I have moments when I want to run away. I have moments when I'm amazed by the questions they ask...and then I have moments when I just can't take another 'question' and can feel my brain cells dying (again, being brutally honest here). I have moments when I so enjoy watching my kids play...and then I have moments I just want to press a mute and freeze button. I have moments when I truly joy over them and then I have moments when I want to sign them all up for day care and get a job at starbucks..or mcdonald's, or a greeter at WalMart. I have moments when I in am awe of all our little blessings and then I have moments where I want to run away...oops, I already mentioned running away.
So I couldn't really trust my feelings to answer this question. I had to stick with what I 'know' in my head. I know that older moms have said over and over again, 'enjoy the little years...they go by faster than you think.' I have heard them say countless times, 'it's hard, but so worth it'. Sometimes when you're in the thick of it, surrounded by the fog and haze of exhaustion and relentless demands/jobs, it's those seasoned voices that help you through the dark tunnels. It's when those older moms bend down with arms wide open and swoop your kids up in a big 'ol hug that remind you of the joy of little ones.
And when you feel beaten down and at the end of your rope, it's those other moms who are on the same journey with you who come beside you and offer a hand, dust you off, offer a glass of wine, and ease your burden just a bit - these friends are gold. And the really good ones? They hold you accountable: to ask your kids for forgiveness and then tell you to move on. None of us are perfect. Don't beat yourself up. You're doing a good job.
And then factor in the military or any job where you move often, uproot and try to 'root' again, and do this parenting thing often far from family and too often solo while a spouse is in another country. Whew. That's what makes those mentor moms and moms on the same journey that much more precious to me. I appreciate you all so much and you mean more to me than I could ever really express.
See, as long as I've been a mom, we've lived far from family....And growing up, I had a happy childhood, but both my parents worked long hours to make ends meet and when your parents go through a divorce, it tends to suck up their emotional availability. So when I became a mom I had to learn so much from scratch....trial and error...which is why I'm pretty convinced that God sent me some awesome mentors and friends to teach me what I clearly didn't know. I know some a.m.a.z.i.n.g. moms. Not because they are perfect, but because they simply care for those around them in such selfless ways.
Which brings me to a big 'say what'? If you are familiar with Young Life, then you are probably familiar with Young Lives. It's a ministry for teen moms. We've been involved with Young Life for years and have loved working with teens...and though I knew about Young Lives I never felt called to it. Until now. We live in an area where the teen parent population is h.i.g.h. and God has put a burden on my heart for those young moms. And go figure, God has put the same burden on another mom that I'm thankful to call friend. :) When my days are long, my heart aches for those young moms who are pregnant/have kids and who are just kids themselves. See, my days may be trying, but I have one of the most amazingly supportive husbands. e.v.e.r. And he's also an amazing dad. Many teen moms don't have a support network, sometimes not even a place to live (when they get kicked out by family), and oh yeah, are just trying to finish high school.
So after much prayer...and we're still praying...we're hoping to launch Young Lives here. We want to help bring beauty from ashes. Show these young moms the redemption of Jesus. Show them acceptance in Christ instead of condemnation. Look after the fatherless. Save lives of both babies and moms and dads. See families restored. We're just a couple of moms who sometimes don't exactly feel like we're doing the job right with our own kids...but we feel burdened for our city of teen moms. I feel wholly under qualified for this endeavor, but just trusting His lead. Please pray for us as we begin this adventure.
And to those friends who have 'mothered' me, Happy Mother's Day!
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