Raleigh's Day & Leaning In

I really should know better than to think I know what a week will look like....as we were driving back home Monday afternoon, I actually said 'well, this should be a fairly low key week with no major commitments.'  Which was so nice after a string of a couple high tempo weeks.  And of course that's when I received a call from the hospital letting us know they had an opening for us on Wednesday afternoon to have Raleigh's procedure done.   (In hindsight, what a blessing - I truly did not have any commitments on Wednesday or Thursday...God's timing is perfect, right?)

But that threw me into high drive to line up child care (we'll spend a night with Raleigh in the PICU), unpack, get the house organized and set up (did I mention we were just driving back in town....oy!). Given less than 48 hours notice has been a blessing, though, because I just simply don't have time to dwell on Raleigh's procedure.

I keep trying to think of things to distract me from the anticipation and while we are in the waiting room....  books, magazines, music, on line shopping, research, etc.....  you get the idea:  LOTS of things to distract me from knowing that my daughter's heart is being worked on.  (Our doctor reassured as that of all the heart issues you could have, this would be his choice...it's the easiest to fix, in other words....but anything to do with your baby and her heart is not going to sit well.)

But God, in His gentle grace spoke something to me this morning.  Perhaps I am not meant to keep distracting myself.  Perhaps, this is where I am supposed to lean in to Him.  To let Him know how queasy my stomach feels, how my own heart is caught in my throat and beating faster than it should, how my mind is racing through all the possible tragic scenarios, how vulnerable I feel to have no control (though any control is an illusion, anyway), how I know no amount of perfect nutrition could heal her heart, how I hate that there will be something artificial in her for the rest of her life, how I feel a tiny bit upset that we have to deal with this (raw honesty), but how thankful I am we found the issue, how I hate having to face my PTSD-like feelings of being back in the hospital, and overall, how just stinkin' worried my momma heart is.

By default I have been an avoider most of my life.... avoiding uncomfortable feelings and putting on a smile and shoving those tough feelings deep down somewhere....but God is calling me out of that suffocating space.  He is calling me into a space that is broad, wide, secure.  He is big enough for my feelings and He has something in exchange for me.  His peace.  His faithfulness.  His steadfastness. Simply, He offers Himself.  

Here's where I invite you in:  to pray for us...that we would have a 'normal' procedure. Of course.  But I will be talking to God a lot today, so meet me there by letting me know how I can pray for you.  Seriously, when else have I/do I/will I have several hours carved out of my afternoon to just pray?  Send me prayers, please, and I would love to pray for you while I tell God all about my heart.

* the deets:  We will leave our home at 1:00 p.m., check into hospital by 2:00 p.m., register and pre op until her scheduled procedure at 4:00 p.m..  She should be under for 3 hours, and then we hope to spend just one night with her in the PICU.   We hope to be back home by Thursday afternoon.  

I LOVE all the sketches the docs have provided for us.  This helps me understand what they'll be doing to Raleigh to make her heart 'all better'.

Is that not the tiniest, cutest blood pressure cuff?  

The sketch of what the doc will be doing.....  using a vein (left arrow) to thread in a tiny plug to block a valve/duct that is open and is allowing to much blood to flow back into her heart and putting stress on her left ventricle and increasing risk of future infections.  The artery (lower right side, wishbone shaped) will be accessed in case they need to use it to help place the plug.  Easy peasy, right?????  

Come On In...a Deeper Look at Healing

I never cease to be amazed at the ways God speaks to me.  More often than not, it is in the quiet, unexpected moments, as I realize that He's just spoken directly to my heart.  Yes.  I have seen Him in 'loud' ways like the angel, but those 'quiet', unsuspecting moments are no less precious.

Sunday mornings when we're attempting to get ready for church, my husband tries to give me time to actually get ready.  I mean time to actually brush my hair (I confess most days I don't really brush it!), find an outfit that consists of more than workout clothes and feel a bit more put together.  But sometimes, that 'me time' is ambushed by little people.  I admit my normal reaction consists of shooing them out of the bathroom, but that day the words disappeared in my throat and God gave me eyes to see something new.  You see, my kids just walk into my bathroom like it's no big deal.  Like they have a right to be there.  Like they have the privilege of being in my 'me time'.  No hesitation, no asking permission, no checking to see if it's okay.....nope, they just walk right on in.  And that.  That CONFIDENCE to walk into my presence, as if they belong there, with no hesitation is something God convicted me of that morning.  In an instant, I went from knee jerk resentment of their interruption to a softness for it.

This confidence is the same confidence He offers us in approaching Him.

"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:16

If I am completely honest, even though I have a long history with Jesus, there is often a hint of hesitation on my part.  As if I need to ask permission to 'bother' him with another prayer. (There has been a high volume on my behalf recently!)  Because I don't want to impose by mentioning something again.  As if I don't really, truly believe that I am His beloved.  I know some of my behavior has been shaped by my past, but He gently convicts me that I have been given the same freedom to be CONFIDENT when I approach Him, as my kids are when they approach me.  To be sure, confidence isn't to be confused with a lack of reverence.  But here is the catch:  confidence comes from knowing who our identity is rooted in.

I think that is the real battle for so many of us.  To know that our identity is simply in being His.

My kids have no doubt that they belong to me.  They have every confidence in approaching me with requests for everything from the real to mundane to ridiculous.  They know whose they are.

Somewhere in the life journey of having divorced parents, being hurt, experiencing rejection and uncertainty, a brokenness found it's way deep in my heart.  The crevice became filled with a (often times subconscious) doubt that God delights in me.  One of my favorite verses in the Bible is from Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves.  He will take GREAT DELIGHT in you; He will quiet you with His love; He will rejoice over you with singing."  He will do these things simply because of who He is.   

I have found myself, wishing, hoping, praying that someday this would be true for me.  That some day, He would delight in me.  That some day, I would have done enough to make Him proud of me.  That some day I would have a house that is organized enough, kids that are nice enough, a personality that is nice/helpful/creative/submissive/smart/strong/pretty/perfect enough, etc.  But the truth is He already delights in me.  His delight is merely mine to accept.  He delights in us because we are His.  And therefore, we have been given confidence to approach Him as our daddy.  No hesitation or worry about inconveniencing Him.  No making sure it's okay to 'bother' Him about something.  In fact, He is pleased when we approach Him with full confidence that we are His and when we accept His delight in us.   

Confessing this brokenness of my heart and asking for healing has actually been the deepest part of my healing from cancer.  Yes.  I am beyond grateful for His physical healing.  I couldn't be more thankful for the extra years He has given me on this earth and I ask and look forward to many more.  But through this crazy journey with cancer, He has shown me deep needs in my heart that I wasn't even aware of.  To paraphrase an interview I heard with Joni Eareckson Tada "He isn't just concerned with your physical healing; He cares more about healing your heart."

Whatever you are going through right now, I hope this encourages you.  I hope this reminds you that He is always at work, continuing to bring us, His good work, to completion.  Amen.  

My Cleft of Grace

Whew.  The last couple months have been filled with prepping for a move, moving and unpacking and settling in.... I feel like I am SO slow at getting settled....I am openly jealous of those super humans who can unpack and get settled with pictures and everything hung within 5 days.  Seriously.  I am confessing my  jealousy.  It just takes me a while to get the feel for a space to turn our house into a home...I'm helplessly s.l.o.w.

I've also been intentionally a bit slower in another department....getting plugged in and going 'mom dating'.  :)  I've been a bit more hesitant than normal.  Though I desperately want to get to know my (soon to be) community of friends here, I just haven't figured out how to navigate the whole 'c-convo'..... 'oh yeah, I was diagnosed with cancer a couple years ago and saw a great big angel....can you please pass the salt and pepper and please don't think I am weird...I promise, it's not contagious...oh yes....that definitely means my girls are fake.....will you please still take a chance on being my friend?'

I bring her along as a cute decoy to convince folks to be my friend  :) 

I've also been wrestling with a brickload of fear....weighing in in the background of so many thoughts....the kids just started school this week... my thought process goes something like this: 'yay! they came home with smiles and they are happy at their school....  but what if God is just letting them like their school because my cancer will come back and they are going to need some good friends.'  Or, 'Thank you, Lord, for our new home...it is comfortable and fits us well.....  well, it might come in handy for lots of visitors and friends who come to help me if I get really sick again...'  And round and round it goes....  See how the enemy twists the good things with doubt and fear?  It's a terrible cycle and I know it's a constant assault from the enemy on my soul.  Because the fear can be crippling.  It steals your joy.  It comes to maim and destroy.  When Paul spoke of the thorn in his side, I kinda get it.  Fighting fear has been a constancy, lately.

And this time of year is tough for me.....a move, holiday expectations, tons of transitions, surgeries, etc. (okay, I will stop whining now)....and I've been specifically wrestling with this one thing:  His Glory.

This is what I mean:  I think of the angel I saw two years ago and part of me CRAVES to see and know His Glory (the other part of me would nearly pee my pants in fear), yet the fear stops me from getting any closer.  With all my soul, I long for the Glory I experienced when I saw the angel and nothing in the whole universe mattered except that I was seeing a glimpse of God's Glory.  Everything faded in that moment.  Yet, the path to seeing His Glory was painful and hard and heartbreaking.  But worth it.

My angel drawing found it's spot in our new home. :)  

I know of a friend of a friend whose daughter is battling cancer and has had a grueling journey.  I know a young family who lost their very young, 25 year old, momma to cancer.  I recently met in passing, a widow of a Navy SEAL.  My journey, has taught my heart to break for them like never before.  But it's as if I can't get too close for fear that their heart ache will become mine and that my heart may never be put back together again (God has infused in me a whole new level of sympathy for those that are suffering).  And so there remains the distance again.  Because the fear keeps me from getting too close.  Yet, I LONG for His Glory.

God, in His never ending Grace, spoke to me this Sunday.... it was during praise, and the leader mentioned the story of Moses and how he asked to see God's Glory.  And instead of saying no, God, with great care, took Moses and placed Him in a cleft of the side of the mountain, to protect him as He passed by.

Exodus 33:22 "... and while my glory passes by I will put you in a cleft of the rock, and I will cover you with my hand until I have passed by."

What a GRACIOUS God.  He owed Moses nothing. nada. zilch.  Yet, He gave him the grace to experience His Glory....

And so I am making the decision to lean in.  To make His Glory part of this season in a whole new way.  To ask for His Glory....AND to trust in His provision of Grace through gracious responses from new friends.  To trust Him to provide a way to draw near to the broken hearted and help carry their burden and step in the gap for them as others have for me.  To trust Him in His abundant gifts to us....without letting fear ruin His blessings.  To take the steps forward in being loved by Him as only He can.  To know that when I pursue His Glory through relationships around me, He will always provide me a cleft of grace.  I may never understand the 'why' behind my diagnosis two years ago or why I have to daily battle the fear of cancer.  But I trust His Glory.  And this side of heaven, that is enough.     

I don't know why I felt such a burden to write this..... and seriously, why I had such opposition..... interrupted naps, crunched timeline, whinier than usual kiddos...(cause normally they are total saints....J/K!)....but I am praying this blesses someone.  In case you're in the aftermath of heart ache....or for the time you do face it and come out on the other side and need to know you are not alone.  

More Than Conquerors

A few nights ago, at community group I blindsided myself....and our group.  While discussing the book of John and highlighting some of the miracles that Jesus did, we read about how Jesus gave sight to the blind man who had been blind for THIRTY SEVEN years.  Y'all.  From out of nowhere I passionately voiced a question that comes naturally to me:  'why THIRTY SEVEN years, Lord?'  why suffer for so long?  Was there something magical about thirty seven years?  I believe some of you may sincerely not get hung up on this question and find no reason to wonder about the thirty seven years.  But part of me can't just let it go without asking God about it (remember my earlier post of being strong willed).  My questioning is not out of defiance or disrespect, but of wanting to truly, desperately know more.

And if we're going to get real honest here, I think it was about me.  In reading about the 37 years, my heart ached for the man.  Because as we draw close to the two year mark of my diagnosis and surgeries and recoveries, there is a part of me that wants to wrestle with God and ask 'why?'.  Why was it SO hard?  Please let me be beyond clear here:  I am not questioning the sovereignty of God or that He is good and in control.  I just have this really simplistic desire to know 'why'.  Because it brings me closer to know WHO He is.  I so desperately want to understand why He saw the suffering as necessary.  I completely understand the concept of trials producing endurance and refinement and the value in it....but I'm talking about the suffering that seems, dare I say, excessive.  Why did the man need to be blind for 37 years?  His whole childhood and into his adult life?  Why did I lose so much blood and have so many complications during my first surgery? Why do we see children suffering through unspeakable abuse and disease?

And it's in the wrestling that God revealed this to me.  It was the pain and heartbrokenness from a complicated surgery that stripped away every shred of pretense that I had and I finally came before God with an honesty that some may consider brutal, but I now see as real for the first time.  And perhaps, that was what it was all about.  Getting past every shred of my protective layers to the point of complete, desperate submission before Him.

I recently stumbled on a talk by John Bevere, who spoke about finding our calling.  He passionately explained the difference between what we 'do' and what we are called to do, and how we will one day be held accountable for these things.  Lo and behold, that IS what scripture says...in Corinthians, Romans, Revelations....we will be held accountable for what we did according to our calling.

This is what it means for me:  before my diagnosis, I lived in the comfort of being an 'active' believer..... tithing, volunteering, being involved, building relationships, having kids, navigating the adventures of parenthood, opening up our home, doing bible studies, striving to be a 'good' wife, etc.  But cancer quickly taught me that my time on this earth is perhaps not as long or as comfortable as I had once thought.  And so I best get busy doing what God has called me to do on this earth vs just doing things that are good.  I believe I was given a second chance to understand that I have been called to something unique to me by God and there should be an urgency to do it.

The hard part is discerning our calling, right?  Duh.  As my good friend said, wouldn't it be nice if God just revealed our calling to us in a burning bush like Moses'  Yes.  It would.  But perhaps that's part of the journey...He builds our faith while revealing our calling.

I don't think I can precisely state what my specific calling is on this earth yet...I do have the responsibility and privilege of being wife, momma, friend, etc...  I like driving fast cars....I love adventure...I love the mountains.  But something I find a passion to do and have always found is connecting people.  I LOVE meeting people and finding ways to help individuals connect to each other ('oh, you homeschool?  This gal, over here could be your friend!'.....'You do Young Life???  Yes!'...'You started a business to raise funds for amputees? Awesome!  I know someone who could totally use your help!'...'You know a teen mom who needs some lovin'?  Yes!  I know just the person you need to meet').  I can't put a name to this passion (it's a stretch to call this a skill or talent, right??? :)), but I do know it's somewhat unique to me and it's been a constant passion throughout my life.

SO, with that said.  Here's my big first step in a project I have had in mind for quite a while.  Is this my calling?  I dunno.  This could be the first and last of these posts....or it could be one more step of obedience that reveals my calling.  Who knows.  This also serves as my disclaimer that this is the first ever interview I have done and forgive me for the sound quality...I'm still sorting through the world of audio equipment/programs/etc.  I promise to make it better.  But in the mean time...

For now, I'll spare you the whole back story of why I wanted to do these interviews....the bottom line is that I know so many stories of incredible, every day women who are STRONG.  They have a strength that is not purely defined by muscle mass or popularity.  These are ordinary women doing the extraordinary through Christ and I want to highlight their stories to encourage others.  

Since October is National Domestic Abuse Awareness Month, I present to you "Mrs. Dawni and her story".  Again, please be patient and gentle with me....the interview is 25 minutes long and the presentation may not be perfect, but content is there.

Prayers and Popcorn

I hate to tie food into a biblical analogy, but it's what struck me today, as I was popping some popcorn for the kids.

I have been thinking of writing a post about prayer for a few weeks, but avoided it for whatever reason...partially because I just don't truly understand it.  And yet, I feel like God keeps bringing me back to the topic of prayer over and over again.

Why the popcorn? Because, just like prayers, I don't 'TRULY' understand how it works.  I toss a bunch of these tiny kernels into our air popper, turn on a button that makes them whirl around in a tornado of heat and then all the sudden, they pop.  Into popcorn.  It's so simplistic, but makes me  (a person who loves to know the WHY and HOW to all things) really wonder how in the world with enough heat, these kernels explode, not into smithereens, but into something edible.  Of course, despite the fact that I don't understand this chemical/physical process, we eat it and enjoy it just the same.

And that is why I'm finally giving in to the nudge to write this post on prayer.  Just because I don't understand it doesn't mean I get a pass to avoid discussing it.

This is the part I don't understand:  how does it work?  That about sums it up.  Truly.  How do our prayers affect the God of the universe in the outcome of certain situations?  Do our prayers really have an affect?  Do my prayers become more effective when said in a certain order?  Or more powerful when said at at certain time?  With certain people?  Only for certain topics?  How in the world does a prayer from little 'ol me, sway the actions of the Creator of the universe?  Why does it seem to 'work' at sometimes and not at others?  We know parents that plead in prayer for the healing of their sick child, only to end up heartbroken.  We know young professionals praying for a job, only to be discouraged.  And then there is the seemingly trivial story you hear about how God provided just the right couch, placed alongside the road for someone.  The span of prayers from desperate to seemingly trivial is wide.  And it can make this person doubt at times.  But that's when I remember an older pastor telling us to 'doubt our doubts'.

I have to remember to doubt my doubts because I have seen the evidence of prayer over and over again. And aside from that, the Bible tells us over and over and over again to 'PRAY'.  Not to figure out which muscles to heal in which order to heal a man crippled from birth, or come up with fractions to feed 500.  Don't confuse prayer as a lack of action.  It means prayer becomes part of our action. Because the Bible also assures us that at any given moment, Heaven is working on our behalf for His Glory and our Good.  And somehow prayer is part of that equation.  Besides all the reasons and verses I could quote on prayer, it comes down to this.  Jesus, the Son of God, prayed.  If it's good enough for Him, then it's good enough for me, right?  Actually, I get the sense that Jesus didn't pray just because it was a good thing to do (like holding the door open for someone, or yoga, or serving at a soup kitchen).  I wonder if He prayed more out of a need for His Father vs an obligation.  And perhaps that's all I need to understand about prayer.

But wait.  There's the empirical evidence, too (which seems somewhat ironic, given that we're talking about prayer here).  How can I explain the time two different people in two different places prayed for me at the same time?  How can I explain when my friend felt led to pray for me during surgery, when she didn't know that I had just lost a LOT of blood and required four transfusions?  How can I explain the effect of my 24 hour prayer guard that battled on my behalf while unexplainable things went wrong and my life seemed to be under attack?  There's so much I don't understand and can't explain, yet one can't argue with the results.

My 24 hour prayer guard....we left a copy of this with my mom while she was watching the kids during that first surgery so she could know how we were being covered in prayer.  This is one the most humbling pieces of paper that I have ever received.  

To be very honest, this is what may be the hardest obstacle I have to overcome in prayer:  Prayer requires hope.  And I've learned that hope is not something to be taken lightly.  Hope takes more energy, courage, discipline and trust than I ever imagined.  When I was diagnosed with cancer, hope seemed so distant compared to death.  At times, I needed people to hope and believe on my behalf, because I didn't have the energy to hope.  It's a scary thing to hope and risk disappointment or failure.  And it takes strength to continue to hope again in something after facing disappointment.  Which is why our hope has to be anchored in the greater foundation of prayer.

This is from Gloria Furman's book, Treasuring Christ When Your Hands Are Full, where she quotes Martyn Lloyd-Jones.  

I don't think I have provided any more clarity in the matter of prayer in terms of exactly how or why it works.  But maybe this can convince you, the next time you feel a nudge to pray, to go ahead and do it. Anytime.  Anywhere.  Even while popping popcorn.        



    

SWW

I'll get to SWW in a bit....disclaimer up front:  it is not something I made up... I'm quoting an author who I will introduce in a bit....

This summer I had an awesome opportunity to spend some time with precious girlfriends who I consider to be 'soul friends'.  I brought up a question that had been on my mind for a few weeks and they were the perfect group to ask....because they've been there for me in some of my hardest moments and I trust them to the core.  I told them that I was beginning to wonder if I was a feminist.

I know the word brings up a broad range of ideas and phrases to mind.... "I am woman hear me roar"..."break the glass ceiling"..."have to be better than men"...." independent"..."tough"..."difficult".... and some embrace it and some cringe at it.

To be very frank, I have never considered myself to be a feminist - in terms of trying to prove that I am better than the next man.  But throughout my adult life, I have become more and more aware of the discomfort I have in the fact that some might consider me to be a feminist.  Because I can tend to be outspoken, I usually don't take no for an answer, I feel more at home at a shooting range than at a tea party, and when I think of the book Love and Respect (which describes the different love languages for women and men), I would often rather choose Respect.  I am fascinated by the fact that after Jesus' resurrection, he first appeared to women.  I love reading example after example of how Jesus elevated women to a position of respect vs property.  Of how he encouraged Mary as she sat as a student at his feet versus tend to duties in the kitchen.  Of how he never condemned women, even when they were caught in adultery, but instead restored their dignity.  And it's all of this that gave me a mini identity crisis, wondering if I was a feminist, because sometimes I feel like I don't fit in with the church.

Let me back up a moment and clarify something:  I find nothing wrong with being soft spoken, sitting down to a tea party, or choosing Love vs Respect.  Absolutely nothing wrong.  In fact, I admire so many of those qualities.  But I have so often felt uncomfortably different.  And sometimes feel like something is wrong with me.

Until this weekend.

When I listened to a podcast and learned about SWW.  Strong Willed Women.  It was a podcast with Cynthia Tobias, and I almost discounted it..... until I started to hear what she was saying and I was completely tuned in.  As I continued to listen to the podcast I started saying 'yes!', 'exactly!', 'totally!', 'that's me!', 'she's spot on!'.  I listened to it twice and then played it for my husband.  I don't think I could summarize her interview and do her justice so I'll include a few quotes from the transcript below:

"One of the things I love about being a strong-willed woman, I want to work shoulder to shoulder with men. I don't want to put them down or to put myself up or to have special privileges. I want to work side by side in a collaborative method, using complementary strengths. So, it's not in any way a feminist position. It's not a position that says, okay, women are better. It's saying we are collaborating. We are mutually respectful."

"Well, and the first step is just to recognize, awareness of I am a strong-willed person and I know I don't always use it appropriately. And I come to God. I talk about in the King James Version in Corinthians where it says, I want every thought to come into captivity to Christ.

I want that for myself as the strong-willed woman. And I want to make sure that my life aligns with Christ. And let's just be honest for a minute. In churches and in women's ministries, the strong-willed woman is not always present, because we're not gonna go do arts and crafts on a Thursday night women's ministry."

"But most strong-willed women will tell you that we don't necessarily feel as welcome in a church as we do on the job, for example. We could be a CEO of a large organization and be really valued for our leadership. But then at the church it doesn't translate.

And so, this book is meant to open conversations like that, meant to open the conversation and say, "Where are the strong-willed women that we need praying for us? Where are the strong-willed women that we need coming alongside us for support? Are we reaching out to them?"  (Podcast)    (Cynthia's Website)  Her Book, A Woman of Strength and Purpose. 

I feel like someone finally came alongside me and whispered "you are just FINE".  "Nothin' wrong with you hun."  I feel like I have so much freedom in being me.  Because that's how God made ME.  My strong will still definitely needs to be honed to use discretion in my speech, graciousness in my actions and gentleness with others, but I FINALLY feel freedom in knowing that not despite my strong will, but through my strong will, I can bring Glory to God.

Y'all, as I write this I realize that I may be light years behind so many who have already recognized this and are totally at peace with being a SWW, but hallelujah, it feels SO good to embrace who I was made to be!

These race cars were set up in the parking lot of our church for Father's Day.... my husband was out of town so I gladly took advantage of this!  One of my dreams is to drive a race car.  :)  

Several of my kids have had some crazy hair....I'm starting to think this type of hair might be a reflection of offspring from strong willed women.  

Enough is Enough and to Hell with Shame

I have an idea that has been brewing for a little while...something I am passionate about and involves interviewing some people who have gone through extraordinary things.  I've been asking a few folks to pray about it and help me sort out whether this is just a 'good idea' or a 'God idea'.

Just when I start feeling like I have a green light for this project, I completely undermine myself.  On Monday morning we had a meeting for parents who want to help plan the end of year party for the first graders.  Of course it's a morning that is more hectic than usual with extra shoe tying, a toddler who INSISTS on walking vs being carried and an extra messy house/kitchen left in the wake of getting kids out the door.  At the end of the meeting, a mom I have never met before innocently mentions the idea of prizes for the games, and without skipping a beat, I blurt out something to the effect of 'those things just come in my door and go straight in the trash anyway....besides isn't the party enough?'  Hours later, my conscience finally catches up with me and I realize how I completely lost my filter of Grace when I blurted out my opinion....and the worst part is I don't even know who the mom is so that I can find her and apologize for my lack of tact.  And y'all.  For the rest of day I felt terrible about it.  Really, really terrible.  And then I recognized the name of this feeling.  It is shame.  I was ashamed of how I reacted so quickly without pausing to give that woman a chance to put a period on the end of her sentence.

And shame for me runs deep.  And it is no coincidence that I just started hearing about a new book by Christine Caine, called Unashamed.  Her story is incredible and I am looking forward to reading her book soon.

This feeling of shame has deep, deep roots and I can already tell it is threatening to rear it's ugly head as we head into our next move (which may be in three months of six months!).  I'm wrestling with how to meet and make new friends, genuine new relationships....all while I explain that I was diagnosed with cancer in 2014.  How in the world do you casually include that in an intro conversation without making the other person feel awkward?  How do I navigate explaining what our story has been without making cancer THE story.  How do I explain the whole story of God while getting over my embarrassment and shame about cancer? How do I navigate the path of making new friends with a hard past?  And even harder than that, how do I explain that even with a cancer diagnosis in 2014, the scariest part of 2016 wasn't cancer?

The scariest part of 2016 so far for me has been watching my 5 yr old get on the school bus by herself.  Due to logistics of a napping toddler, and two older kids in school, the bus was our best option.  But it was something I had to first confide in some friends about and then ask for prayer.  This is where I have summoned up every inkling of courage I have to share my biggest fear so far in 2016.  And I'm doing this because enough is enough.  Shame has no place in our story and yet, it threatens to unravel me at the most unexpected times.  And I think one way to conquer shame is to air it out in the light so that it can no longer whisper it's lies in the dark.

My shame is that when I was a child, I was touched inappropriately by a family friend on Christmas morning when he was watching me while my parents had to work.  By the grace of God, it happened once, but that one time, was enough to affect my self image and how I parent - especially as a parent of four girls.  That one time was enough to bring me to tears in deciding whether or not to let my 5 yr old girl ride the bus to school because the bus driver was a man (and good grief - why, oh why, does he have to have a mustache?????  My son is never allowed to have a mustache.  Sorry if that offends those who have mustaches).  That one time was enough to stir up feelings of anger when I get stared at because of my ethnicity or just because of my kids.  That one time is enough to make me cringe when I hear my voice in a recording, or see myself on video.  That one time was enough.  And Christ says enough.  His blood for me on the Cross is enough.  I will make silly mistakes and my behavior will not always be perfect, but He is enough for me.    


So, enough is enough.  Shame has a way of making me feel like a fraud when I am trying to get to know other people in a true and genuine way.  Because shame says eventually they will find out my secrets and realize I am unworthy of their friendship.  Enough is Enough.  Because He says I am Enough to be called a daughter of the One True King.  

I'm sharing this for the person who struggles with their own shame.  May you know that He has paid the price for all your darkest fears and shame and He calls you WORTHY and ENOUGH.  He has called us out of the darkness and into the light.  It's time to say enough is enough and to Hell with Shame.      

The Offensive.

It has been a week.  And it came on the heels of several weeks of having at least one sick kid (cause they never all get sick at the same time.....they take turns.....and s.t.r.i.n.g. it oooouuuutttttt over several weeks).  And broken cars (one is completely my fault and another was just an accident).

My daughter pointed this out to me (on the way to school, of course!).  My first thought was 'hmm....yup.  that's kind of how I feel right now.  I can totally identify with you, tire.'  

But this week also included the exciting news of promotions (which also means we know where we are most likely moving next!), a nerve wracking t.v. interview and rocks....lots of rocks (the rocks will make it in another post :)).

And of course in the middle of all this, God manages (I say that as if I should be surprised?) to weave together His indelible truths in my heart.

A few weeks ago I read about Lot and his incredible rescue by the angels (Genesis 19), as they literally pluck him out of an angry mob and save him just in time as the rest of the city is destroyed.  The story got my adrenaline pumping( - go read it - it's an incredible rescue mission) and then I read to the end which includes Lot eventually fathering his own grandsons, which I thought was not the most glamorous ending (after such a dramatic rescue!).  And it just made me think... 'was that kind of a waste of being saved?'  God promptly turned that around on me and asked 'are you wasting what I've given you?  Are you living out your purpose? You've been given MUCH and with that comes MUCH responsibility.'

And, as everyone knows, the promotion lists came out this week.  And we are so incredibly thankful and humbled to be on the list.  But it is A.L.L. GOD.  Every good thing comes from Him.  Yes, my husband happens to be super duper smart (hello? who gets a perfect math SAT score AND has a master's in English???  seriously. imagine living with that. :)).  But that super duper smartness is from GOD.  I just want to settle that one loud and clear.  And with the promotion comes the next move and job and of course more pay....which immediately made me think of the best way to use the resources He gives us....in other words, with the extra resources comes extra responsibility to use it well and for His Glory.   But the responsibility would have been the same even if his name wasn't on the list because we believe God's hand would have been in that, even in the disappointment.

This always comes full circle with cancer.  I've been given a second chance.  I am feeling better than I could have imagined a year ago.  And what am I going to do with it?  Will I be one of the nine lepers who went on their way and forgot about Jesus after being healed or will I remember to be that one who turns around and remembers to thank Jesus?  Continually.

Which brings me to the title of this post.  All these truths were being woven together in my mind, but it has been a long week and to be quite frank, I just wanted to retreat.  Let me be clear here - I don't mean retreat in the sense of restoration, rejuvenation, revitalizing, regenerating, rest - those are good things.  I mean retreat as in 'slink back', 'run away', 'surrender', 'throw up my hands', 'crawl into a bubble'.  Literally.  Here's a copy of the text I sent to my husband after having wrestled my almost 18 month old through a grocery store with one arm because she just lost it after she couldn't carry a bag of tangerines to the checkout aisle.

The first text is my husband....Yes, I have one of THOSE.  An amazing husband who doesn't hesitate to give me some relief!

And as I mentioned earlier I had a t.v. interview to do for a project I am helping coordinate for our kids' school.  To say I was NERVOUS is a HUGE understatement.  I was a nervous wreck.  I absolutely cringe when I see or hear myself on t.v./any recording.  I just feel so much pressure to look/be/act perfect because, my goodness, everyone will see me and they just might realize that the hair, make up, clothes and good posture (I managed to sit up straight for once!) are all just a fraud compared to the mom inside who is tired, overwhelmed, fearful and not sure if she is 'liked'.  Can anyone identify with this??  (By the way, a little plug here for my amazing friend, Michelle, who is an image consultant and answered my gazillion questions of what to wear!  check her out here at darlignbydesign.)  Of course, the morning of the interview my little one decided that she was not going to cooperate and let the world know that teething really does hurt.     

Talk about being pulled outside my comfort zone...t.v. interview + miserable baby= nervous and cranky momma.  

But isn't it just like God to sweetly encourage me and remind me that 'retreating' is not His way?  Right when that is all I feel like doing?  A sweet friend (who definitely has the gift of ENCOURAGEMENT and her words make me blush!) told me about a new book by Priscilla Shirer called Fervent .  I read the preview provided by Amazon and it lit a fire in me.  Priscilla draws our attention back to the battle waging around us.  The unseen battle (remember the warrior angel I saw?  It is a battle friends...not just a friendly game of a thumb war) which includes an enemy who desires to see us retreat.  Who loves it when we give in to fear.  Who strategizes to undermine our best and distract us from the bigger mission at stake.  The bigger picture of living out our God given purposes while we still have breath on this earth.  Who wants us to doubt that we are seen and known and even LIKED by the Creator of the Universe.  He, the enemy, wants nothing more than to see us retreat.  But we already have the victory.  And we get to be a part of how it plays out, by the Grace of God.

It's never the wrong time to have a battle plan!

So, I don't know where this week has left you or where you are on the battlefield.  Maybe you're in the trenches and just want to shut your eyes and curl into a ball....or maybe just ssslllleeeepppp (hello, exhausted parents of littles!).  Or maybe you are already out there, kicking tail and doing battle with the enemy and paving a path for those of us who just need a little break so we can dust ourselves off and get back in the fight.  Either way, I am thankful for the reminder that we are in a battle that has already been WON.  We just get to choose how to take part in that victory.  It's time to be on offense.

Y'all may have seen this already, but you can never laugh too much or take yourself  too seriously, right? :)  

War Wounds, War Stories and Maybes.

This is one of those blogs that I've hesitated to write about multiple times, but I can't seem to get it out of my head and circumstances compel me to just go ahead and write the darn thing.  One thing I really dislike about public posts is that it leaves room for misunderstanding and judgement.  I'll make my disclaimer up front:  I have no intention of making anyone feel judged; in fact, my intent is the opposite....to offer encouragement for those who have experienced suffering or are walking through the fire right now.

Recently, I have heard of so many tough situations, much tragedy and plain ol' heartbreak.  A young lady who gets cancer in her 20's, a young family losing their much too young daddy, a couple losing their 12 year old daughter and only child, a young mom getting cancer, another mom receiving a stage 4 cancer diagnosis, a couple with a stillborn child.  Sometimes the heartbreak seems overwhelming.

I don't mean to be the bearer of only bad news.  There is much goodness in our lives, too.  Much to give thanks and praise Him for!  Yet, in the midst of all the good, how do we process the tough?  The suffering?  The trials?

Sometimes the scars bother me.  I mean, couldn't our sovereign God remove them?  Let us walk through the fire, complete the trial and then couldn't He just wave His proverbial magic wand and wipe away all evidence of the fight?  I found myself asking God, what's the point of all these scars?  Who needs them in heaven???  In all honesty, the scars don't bother me every day.  But on the days when I hear of heartbreak and then see the scars on my body, it almost feels like a punch to the gut of a permanent mark that won't go away.

And that's just physical scars.  What about the scars no one can see?  The young wife who bears the scar of being a much too young widow?  The family who bears the scar of being childless much too soon.  The kids, big and small, who bear the title of orphan.

And that's when this image came to mind  (Here's another disclaimer:  I am not claiming that any of this is theologically correct!  It's just the vision that came to mind):

I imagine that when we get to heaven, we may very well still bear our scars.  And while we will be consumed with declaring 'Holy, Holy Holy' in awesome reverence, I believe there will be another scene unfolding.  There will be other saints who welcome us and cheer for us and crowd around us.  There will be phrases like 'hey, look who made it!'  'welcome home!'  'well done!'  And then different saints will step forward and speak up on our behalf.  Instead of our scars being hidden they will point out the scars and say 'look at this one everyone.  This scar - whew.  what a story.  This one.  He lost his child and it broke his heart.  That's what that crack is.  But He never stopped believing in Him.  In fact, He let God use the crack in his heart to further God's Kingdom.  Geesh!  What a scar.  What a story.'   And then maybe in the midst of that, is when God says 'well done, good and faithful servant'.

Maybe this is a tiny glimpse of why we continue to fight the tough fights, why we hand our broken hearts to God and let Him use it for Glory instead of keeping the broken pieces to ourselves.  Maybe that's why we let our scars speak the story of His Grace and Redemption instead of hiding them.  Maybe that's another dimension of Matthew 5:10 that says "blessed are those who suffer for righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of God."  Maybe that's why your suffering is not in vain.  Maybe that's what Romans 5:3, James 1:12, James 5:11 and 1 Peter 1:6 are all talking about.

Just maybe.    

Pick Up Your Mat and Walk

It's always convicting when God speaks to you through two totally different passages, both which you have read many times before without ever making the connection.  Isn't this what it means for 'the scriptures to be alive'?

Well, I am not a trained theologian or philosopher, so when God reveals something clearly to me, I always feel compelled to share.

This past week, one of our Young Life leaders spoke on the passage in Mark 2, where the four friends lower their paralyzed friend through a roof in order to get closer to Jesus, in hopes of him being healed.  Honestly, I've always identified myself with one of the four friends....you know, the ones who weren't paralyzed, but rather, were strong enough to carry their friend to the home where Jesus was preaching, strong enough to climb a roof with their friend on a stretcher, and then again, strong enough to lower their friend down with ropes.  Instead, this time, God gave me such a clear picture of seeing myself as the paralytic.  The helpless one who relied wholly on the help of friends and was completely at the mercy of Jesus.  That'll keep ya humble.  :)

And then I noted something else in the passage.  Or rather something else that wasn't in the passage. Jesus tells the man that his sins are forgiven, and then tells him to pick up his mat and walk.  Yet, he never actually says "you are healed".  I would never have noticed this detail if it weren't for where I have been wrestling with God lately.

See, it's been just under a year and a half since my diagnosis and fight with cancer.  We have one clean scan under our belts with more to come.  And in the meantime, I struggle, almost daily with fear.  And it shows up at the most inopportune times.  Here is the most common place it shows up:  I have the post 9-11 GI Bill which provides 36 months of paid school.  So I am trying to figure out what to pursue (medical degree/functional medicine), how to pursue (on line vs on campus) and where to pursue it (depends on where we move next!) and when to pursue it (now vs after we move, after all kids are in school, etc.).  And sure, those are a lot of decisions to think through, but the number one nagging thought that comes to mind is 'what if cancer returns and I ended up wasting time and money on something that will never come true?'   Oh, the fear.  It's roots run deeper than I realize sometimes. It's like a nasty weed that seems to constantly undermine hopes for a future.  And I've asked God (I know how funny this sounds) to just give me a 'thumbs up'/'go ahead'/'green light' or heck, just to hear him say the words 'you are healed'.

Then I read another seemingly  unrelated passage this morning from Luke 5, when Jesus calls the first disciples, including Simon.  Jesus instructs Simon to cast his net into a certain area (note, this is after Simon had cleaned his nets from fishing all night) and here is Simon's response "Master, we toiled all night and took nothing!  But at your word I will let down the nets."  Did you see it?  His doubt and obedience?  After Peter obeys, and catches a large number of fish, and repents, Jesus responds with such grace and mercy as he says "Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching men."  There was no rebuke of Simon's disbelief....just tender mercy in how Jesus teaches him to add belief to his obedience.

So, there it is.  I guess it's time to get my 'big girl pants on' and just obey.  I was in a functional medicine forum earlier this week and when I got home I told Rich 'I totally felt at place in that forum....it really confirmed that this is what I want to pursue.'  Sure, I may still battle the fear and doubt, but God has shown that He can 'help my unbelief' if I am wiling to merely obey.  That's all he asks.  I wonder if there are some of you who God is nudging to obey and follow His lead in a certain area (relationship with Him/others, jobs, pursuits), but you struggle with doubt?  Good news. According to Simon, you don't have to wait to believe and obey.  It can start simply with obeying.

Everyday reasons to believe in a future!  

   

A Good Place

I was sneaking out the door this morning and it struck me that a year ago I was doing the same thing. But for a much different reason.  Last year, I nursed Raleigh Mae one final time, gave her a big hug, wiped away some tears, quietly put her back to sleep and Rich and I 'snuck' out the door for a quiet drive to prepare for my bilateral mastectomy.  This time I was quietly sneaking out of the house for a RUN.  Wow.

Me and my Raleigh post run.  :)  

We've hit so many milestones recently that have taken my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. I'm so incredibly thankful to be here this side of heaven, breathing deep with my feet planted on this earth with my family and friends.  For Goodness Sake - I went for a run today!  A year ago I barely had enough blood to keep me alive.  I am in a good place today.

Rich and I have talked about future college savings, future moves/assignments/jobs, future places to live; we've talked about the future with Hope.  Last year I wasn't sure if I would be alive for another month, or two or year and every thought of the future with our kids brought tears of fear and questioning....not sure if I would be around for their significant milestones.  I am in a good place today.

I understand so much more about my body and how God created us to thrive.  A year ago, I could barely wrap my mind around how cancer had gotten a foothold in my body.  I am in a good place today.

And yet, if I truly believe that the Holy God of the Universe loves me enough that He sent His one and only Son to die for me, then perhaps the truth is that I've been in a good place all along.  

Let me explain.  I heard something in church that made me think.  Really think.  Below is a devotional from Charles Spurgeon and the highlighted part is what our guest pastor quoted this past Sunday.

"He shall choose our inheritance for us." 
Psalms 47:4

Believer, if your inheritance be a lowly one you should be satisfied with your earthly portion; for you may rest assured that it is the fittest for you. Unerring wisdom ordained your lot, and selected for you the safest and best condition. A ship of large tonnage is to be brought up the river; now, in one part of the stream there is a sandbank; should some one ask, "Why does the captain steer through the deep part of the channel and deviate so much from a straight line?" His answer would be, "Because I should not get my vessel into harbour at all if I did not keep to the deep channel." So, it may be, you would run aground and suffer shipwreck, if your divine Captain did not steer you into the depths of affliction where waves of trouble follow each other in quick succession. Some plants die if they have too much sunshine. It may be that you are planted where you get but little, you are put there by the loving Husbandman, because only in that situation will you bring forth fruit unto perfection. Remember this, had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put you there. You are placed by God in the most suitable circumstances, and if you had the choosing of your lot, you would soon cry, "Lord, choose my inheritance for me, for by my self-will I am pierced through with many sorrows." Be content with such things as you have, since the Lord has ordered all things for your good. Take up your own daily cross; it is the burden best suited for your shoulder, and will prove most effective to make you perfect in every good word and work to the glory of God. Down busy self, and proud impatience, it is not for you to choose, but for the Lord of Love!

"Trials must and will befall- 
But with humble faith to see 
Love inscribed upon them all; 
This is happiness to me." 

It made me think.  Even through cancer.  Even through tough surgeries.  Even through losses.  Even through the hardest heartbreak you can imagine.  Even through your current trials and storms.  If there was any better place to be, He would put you there.      

I may never understand or see this side of Heaven, the full extent and purpose of His Glory in our past year.  But I do know that God is good.  And that God loves me.  And that He is Holy.  And those are never changing Truths.  And so, logically, I have to trust His Sovereign Grace and Love and Purpose of our past year, present and future.

A couple more things I learned.  When I woke up from the second surgery, I had tears in my eyes as I asked Rich if he had seen the Angel.  I passed out, woke up again and asked him the same thing.  I realize that I had tears in my eyes because it was such an awe-some and for lack of a better word, terrifying sight (I often get frustrated that I can't find the right words to describe what I saw).  It was overwhelming.  In an instant I knew I saw something extra-ordinary that was from God.  And yet, if that Angel, evoked such a response in me, how much more awe-some must God be?  If God created that Angel, then His presence would be infinitely more overwhelming than what I saw after my second surgery.  As an old pastor says, God is white-hot-Holy.  And yet, in an incredible twist, God offers access to Himself as our Father.  The one to call 'daddy', who knows our  heartbreaks, hears our cries and holds us through the storms.  Y'all.  I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around this incredible love the Holiest of Holies has for us.  But I know this is a good place to be.  I hope this finds you in a good place today.          

Our story one year later

One year ago, today, at around this same time, I received the phone call with my diagnosis of breast cancer.

Whew.  We have come SO FAR.  Thank you, Jesus!  Thank you, Lord!  Sometimes I am in complete awe and can't help but think 'why have You been SO good to me and my family?'.  Our story could look so very different right now and the weight of that is not lost on me.

Our pastor asked if I would share our testimony at church this Sunday and I think the timing is so ...well, timely.  :)  And I'm happy to share because the bible tells us that we honor God when we remember what He has done for us.  And so I am happy to remember and never forget.  I will not dwell on the scars, but thankfully remember just how far the Lord has brought us.  And though I haven't spoken in front of a group about something so personal in a long time, I am happy to have the privilege of publicly remembering what God has done for us.

Psalm 105: 1-5 "Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon His name.  Make known His deeds among the peoples!  Sing to Him, sing praises to Him; tell of all His wondrous works!  Glory in His Holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice!  Seek the Lord and His strength; seek His presence continually.  Remember the wondrous works that He has done..." 

And that's why I also decided to write a memoir for our kiddos.  I am so grateful that they don't understand the full extent of what cancer means or comprehend the fear that comes with that diagnosis.  But when they are older, I want them to fully grasp and understand what God has done for our family.  I want sweet Raleigh Mae to know that God even used her in my belly to discover the tumor.

There is so much wrapped up in what I plan on sharing this Sunday and I wanted to share a little bit here.

While I would have never chosen to walk this path and fight this battle, I would never trade what I have learned about God.  When I think of where I was a year ago, my heart breaks a little because I remember how I felt.  I remember the heartache, fear, devastation all wrapped up in my chest....yet I remember there was always Hope.  Part of me wishes I could go back to that girl, grab her by the shoulders (because as my friend says that is what you do when you want someone to take you seriously), lift up her chin, wipe away the tears, look her square in the eye and remind her that God is good and He is in Control.  That somehow in the year to come I will understand how our Good and His Glory are inexplicably intertwined.  I could never have imagined then what I know now.

When I prayed about what to share in my testimony, I felt led to share my story to encourage others who may be going through a struggle.  Big or small.  Immediate or long term.  Where you are now in your journey may seem completely hopeless and futile.  You may question what God is doing or even question God Himself.  But please hear my heart when I say, He has never left your side, and never will.  He promises your good and His Glory and when the time is right, He will reveal your story.  And I promise you will not be disappointed, but will be compelled to love our Lord even more.  You may be walking through the fire right now, but you will not be left there.  You will walk through the fire, with a faith that is refined and you will see Him more clearly than before.

I hope someone is encouraged or remembers my story when they need encouragement in the future.  All Glory to Him.  

a few day after surgery #1

Raleigh Mae's first trip to Colorado!

almost a year later....typical family photo :)  

Week 1 Post- Op.

     One could say that I severely underestimated what this recovery was going to be.  I had envisioned myself home before the older kids got back from school, up and walking around, slightly sore the next day, and then up and doing my normal routine by day 3.  Reality was me apologizing to the nurses over and over again as I keep oozing bloody fluid all over the room in attempts to go to the bathroom where I puked over and over again…in the sink (cause I couldn’t make it to the toilet).       

     That’s not an attempt to get you to feel sorry for me – just a very humble revelation that I am, indeed, not wonderwoman.  Or her cousin, or second cousin thrice removed. 

     But day 7 here and I am getting more mobile and on my feet more and more.  I may look like a granny while driving, but driving I am, at least!  

     We’ve been blessed with my mother in law who flew in and held down the fort for days, friends who brought us meals, clothes (that I can actually wear over my wraps and bandages), juice (yes, someone juiced for me – incredible, right??), sweet flowers and watched kids for us.  We had a great follow up appt yesterday where all stitches were removed and the doctor nonchalantly stuck a needle in me to remove some fluid that had built up (I will NEVER get used to being poke and prodded!).    

     One last day of antibiotics, I have finally been able to sleep in bed, I can hold Raleigh and we are well on the road to recovery (the primary phase is 6 weeks, and then about 4-6 months for full 

results).

      

     The toughest part may be emotional acceptance of how things look.  I made the mistake of peeking under the bandages after the first day and just cried.  Not because my surgeon didn’t do a good job, but because there was plenty of swelling, dried blood, more stitches, deep bruising and just a general realization that my body has been further changed from what I was born with.  And the reminder that cancer is the reason for the physical changes.  I’ve been wrestling with this for several days.

     And I point this all out to share the significance of what I learned in a study that I recently started with some local gals called Anointed, Transformed, Redeemed by Priscilla Shirer, Beth Moore and Kay Arthur.  We talked about the power of being anointed (this itself is a different topic that I won’t go into now, but would love to discuss more later!) and having a God awareness throughout our day.  And bam, it struck me.  I have not been looking at my physical self with a ‘God awareness”.  What if, when I looked in the mirror, I imagined God’s presence, right next to me, looking at me and pointing out every fiber of my being that He created and knit together before I was even born?  Maybe, instead of crying over how different things look, I could rest in the assurance that He sees me as beautiful the same way that I do not see a single one of my kids as any less beautiful because of a scar.  If my Maker was standing next to me, who created the inspiring sunrises and sunsets without the aid of any man, if my Maker was standing next to me would I dare find reason to cringe at my image?  This isn’t about some mind-game-gobbly-gook about just accepting things as they are and sucking it up and moving on with things.  It’s about living the truth of knowing that God is with us and embracing His Holy Spirit and praying to see as He does.   Of course this applies to so many, arguably more important, areas of my life.  How I interact with the kids when it’s just me and them talking about how fairy wings grow for the umpteenth time, how I speak to my husband when we are disagreeing about a certain topic, how I act while entertaining an unexpected visitor, etc.  It also means that I can walk throughout my day with more confidence that nothing is by accident and that He, the Good of all good, is still in control.  He's not walking beside us saying, 'sorry about that...I dropped the ball on that one, eh?'.  No, instead, when life feels out of control, He's whispering, I still have you.  I have you.  Just rest.  Nothing is out of my control.'    

     This is not about just ‘acting’ right and behavior modification, but about changing the heart.  My heart.  Your heart.  Maybe you believe in God and maybe you don’t.  But just imagine that there was indeed a Maker of the Universe walking next to you and trying to speak to you throughout your day – the Maker who loves you (and LIKES YOU) SO much and delights in you to the point that He sent His only Son to die for our sins so that we could continue to be in His presence.   Imagine Him next to you and you can’t help but change how we see ourselves, our family, and our neighbors. 

     This is just a sliver of what I learned in the study,  but it convicted me so much that I had to change my plans to run errands and instead type out these words.  I pray that it encourages someone else. 

Outside my comfort zone

I should be preparing for my next surgery tomorrow...but I've surrendered to the fact that it's somewhat futile at this point.

For good reasons.  We had a 'cancer free' celebration a couple weeks ago followed by Ada's 5th birthday celebration this past weekend! And with life in between I just didn't get to some things like I had hoped to.  God is bigger than my lack of feeling prepared, not having enough button down shirts, enough reading material lined up, or my fuzzy hospital socks or extra meals on hand.  We DO have grandma in town to help take care of the kids, friends bringing us meals and one friend is lending me her spanx to help with post surgery recovery (those things are amazing!!!  why am I just now trying them???).

"mammo-grahams"  Where else other than a cancer free party can you have these????  Courtesy of my friend, Kanaan :)  

Birthday breakfast presents

Birthday Dinner:  her favs: nachos and brussel sprouts :)  

Last airplane ride for a while...more to come in a month!  

But I will admit that I am a tiny bit nervous about this surgery...we all know what happened the first time, and this time it's with a different surgeon, different hospital and different anesthetist.  It's funny how even when it comes to surgery/needles/scalpels, you develop 'favorites' regarding who gets to poke, prod and cut you.

My surgery this time is for further reconstruction and some 'adjustments' from the first phase of reconstruction.  Deep down inside, I do often wish that my vanity could have been okay without the reconstruction, but I am so, so, so grateful for the option.  To be blunt, this surgery will involve breast reconstruction and lipo in order to do some fat injections.  The whole thing seems so surreal to me because I never ever imagined a procedure like this.  And to be very honest:  when I wake up, this time my concern won't be 'did they get the cancer out', but instead will be 'what do I look like'?  And for some reason, that has me nervous.  I feel maxed out on the scars and marks and this will up my tally (read:  I'm a bit vain and am growing weary of new scars).

But with all these thoughts swirling in my mind, my mother in law reminds me of the angel.  The angel.  The one I was so privileged to see (and sometimes I still can't believe I saw it).  And the one I know was protecting me and will protect me because God promises to be faithful.  And it reminds me of how easily my focus is shifted away from what matters.  The truth that God is in control, He is Good and that He sent His Son to die on the cross for us because He loves us THAT much.  And in the end, all things will be restored and my scars won't bear any shame and He will be glorified.  And if I know that truth, then why do I waste my time on being anxious and worrying?  And isn't it a mercy of God that I have an unfamiliar team doing my surgery this time?  Because otherwise, I would have placed some of my trust in the familiarity of the team and not Him.  But I'm forced outside my comfort zone (I was even getting used to the color of the gown and cap I got to wear at the original hospital) and reminded that the only place to put my trust is in Him.

So, here we go.  One more surgery.  One more recovery.  I just recently regained enough strength to do some push ups and shoot my bow and arrow.  Those will be some of my goals again!

I also wonder in the back of my mind....will I ever get to see the angel again?  It was both a bit terrifying and awesome at the same time.

Would you please pray for grandma while she's holding down the fort? That she and the kids would be protected and that all would go smoothly?  Thank you for your prayers and I'll hopefully be sending an update soon!

To God be All the Glory.