My Cleft of Grace

Whew.  The last couple months have been filled with prepping for a move, moving and unpacking and settling in.... I feel like I am SO slow at getting settled....I am openly jealous of those super humans who can unpack and get settled with pictures and everything hung within 5 days.  Seriously.  I am confessing my  jealousy.  It just takes me a while to get the feel for a space to turn our house into a home...I'm helplessly s.l.o.w.

I've also been intentionally a bit slower in another department....getting plugged in and going 'mom dating'.  :)  I've been a bit more hesitant than normal.  Though I desperately want to get to know my (soon to be) community of friends here, I just haven't figured out how to navigate the whole 'c-convo'..... 'oh yeah, I was diagnosed with cancer a couple years ago and saw a great big angel....can you please pass the salt and pepper and please don't think I am weird...I promise, it's not contagious...oh yes....that definitely means my girls are fake.....will you please still take a chance on being my friend?'

I bring her along as a cute decoy to convince folks to be my friend  :) 

I've also been wrestling with a brickload of fear....weighing in in the background of so many thoughts....the kids just started school this week... my thought process goes something like this: 'yay! they came home with smiles and they are happy at their school....  but what if God is just letting them like their school because my cancer will come back and they are going to need some good friends.'  Or, 'Thank you, Lord, for our new home...it is comfortable and fits us well.....  well, it might come in handy for lots of visitors and friends who come to help me if I get really sick again...'  And round and round it goes....  See how the enemy twists the good things with doubt and fear?  It's a terrible cycle and I know it's a constant assault from the enemy on my soul.  Because the fear can be crippling.  It steals your joy.  It comes to maim and destroy.  When Paul spoke of the thorn in his side, I kinda get it.  Fighting fear has been a constancy, lately.

And this time of year is tough for me.....a move, holiday expectations, tons of transitions, surgeries, etc. (okay, I will stop whining now)....and I've been specifically wrestling with this one thing:  His Glory.

This is what I mean:  I think of the angel I saw two years ago and part of me CRAVES to see and know His Glory (the other part of me would nearly pee my pants in fear), yet the fear stops me from getting any closer.  With all my soul, I long for the Glory I experienced when I saw the angel and nothing in the whole universe mattered except that I was seeing a glimpse of God's Glory.  Everything faded in that moment.  Yet, the path to seeing His Glory was painful and hard and heartbreaking.  But worth it.

My angel drawing found it's spot in our new home. :)  

I know of a friend of a friend whose daughter is battling cancer and has had a grueling journey.  I know a young family who lost their very young, 25 year old, momma to cancer.  I recently met in passing, a widow of a Navy SEAL.  My journey, has taught my heart to break for them like never before.  But it's as if I can't get too close for fear that their heart ache will become mine and that my heart may never be put back together again (God has infused in me a whole new level of sympathy for those that are suffering).  And so there remains the distance again.  Because the fear keeps me from getting too close.  Yet, I LONG for His Glory.

God, in His never ending Grace, spoke to me this Sunday.... it was during praise, and the leader mentioned the story of Moses and how he asked to see God's Glory.  And instead of saying no, God, with great care, took Moses and placed Him in a cleft of the side of the mountain, to protect him as He passed by.

Exodus 33:22 "... and while my glory passes by I will put you in a cleft of the rock, and I will cover you with my hand until I have passed by."

What a GRACIOUS God.  He owed Moses nothing. nada. zilch.  Yet, He gave him the grace to experience His Glory....

And so I am making the decision to lean in.  To make His Glory part of this season in a whole new way.  To ask for His Glory....AND to trust in His provision of Grace through gracious responses from new friends.  To trust Him to provide a way to draw near to the broken hearted and help carry their burden and step in the gap for them as others have for me.  To trust Him in His abundant gifts to us....without letting fear ruin His blessings.  To take the steps forward in being loved by Him as only He can.  To know that when I pursue His Glory through relationships around me, He will always provide me a cleft of grace.  I may never understand the 'why' behind my diagnosis two years ago or why I have to daily battle the fear of cancer.  But I trust His Glory.  And this side of heaven, that is enough.     

I don't know why I felt such a burden to write this..... and seriously, why I had such opposition..... interrupted naps, crunched timeline, whinier than usual kiddos...(cause normally they are total saints....J/K!)....but I am praying this blesses someone.  In case you're in the aftermath of heart ache....or for the time you do face it and come out on the other side and need to know you are not alone.