Fight. My little bit of crazy. and a bad selfie. :)

I know yesterday's post wasn't exactly awesome news, but there are some huge praises that I need to mention:

1) For the first time in three weeks, I was able to put an overhead shirt on.  Yep, I know that may seem like small bucks, but considering I've been wearing a very limited wardrobe of button downs/zip ups, it was a big step for this gal.  :)

2) For the first time in three weeks, I was able to get in and out of bed by myself!  That is HUGE.  The first couple nights after the initial surgery I had a hard time falling asleep because I felt so unsettled by the fact that I could not move without help.... becoming more mobile makes it easier to fall asleep.

3) For the first time in three weeks, I was able to lift, feed and hold Raleigh!  This is a momma high.  :) This pic is where I managed to find a sweet spot where she could rest on my tummy/shoulder and it's pretty darn close to being able to hug her.  :)  It's a bad 'selfie', but big time progress here!

Now for my little bit of crazy:  On Saturday afternoon I took a hard, hard nap and had a really vivid dream where my surgeon had his right hand wrapped up in a bandage and he couldn't do surgery.  I half expected to walk into our appointment on Monday and find his hand bandaged up.  Why do I mention this at the risk of seeming like a cray cray?  

Because when I was given the option of surgery and/or radiation and told that they found more cancer/blah, blah, blah-this-really-stinks-kind of news I really couldn't choose one decision over the other.  The absolute only thing that I had to sway me one way or the other was the dream....I told Rich 'I know it's crazy, but maybe that's a sign to avoid surgery this time'.  

And when we got home and the kids unloaded out of the van, two of our girls picked up a kettle bell and started playing around with it.  Something clicked in my head:  I need to get strong.  I need to recover.  It's time to get back in the fight.  No surgery this time.  

But the only prayer I kept repeating was 'please, God, please God, please God.'  I didn't even know how to articulate what I was praying for, but He knew.  One specific prayer was that Rich and I would be in agreement regarding the decision and that my surgeon would agree as well.  Beyond that, I didn't have the words for prayer...just a pleading.  

And wouldn't you know?  We just got off the phone with our surgeon and God has shown us the decision is NO surgery.  Luke took a trip down to the lab to review the results himself, did some additional research, contacted a friend who worked at MD Anderson and said he feels comfortable going forward without an additional surgery.  What was maybe a 'micron' of clear margins yesterday is now more like 1 to 2 microns.  The pre cancerous cells found in other parts of the tissue are actually so small that the lab can't be sure what it is - precancer or just abnormal cells.  Unsure enough to call it inconclusive for now.  These factors, combined with a recent study adds up to an additional surgery not being necessary (if followed up with radiation). Woohoo!!!!  This gal is ready to recover and get strong.  

For a few weeks I was knocked off my feet and had my rear handed to me....and God sent an army of reinforcements to love on us and fight for us.  It reminds me of the passage in Exodus when Moses is leading the Israelites across the Red Sea.... v. 14 " The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent."  Those reinforcements nursed my wounds, helped me wash my hair, get dressed, fed us, cleaned for us and let me cry when I needed to, but also made me laugh to the point my chest hurt.  And they let me rest.  And now I feel like Moses in v.15 "The Lord said to Moses, 'why do you cry to me?  tell the people of Israel to go forward.  Lift up your staff and stretch out your hand over the sea and divide it, that the people of Israel may go through the sea on dry ground."  I know that God is fighting for me - that He goes before me and is also my rear guard.....and I also believe that this is a multi dimensional fight and I have my part to do.  

I've rested and now I need to recover and get strong.  

Because this battle is far from over.  

But He continues to show Himself to us over and over and over.  I absolutely dread chemo and radiation (what we hoped to avoid with surgery), but He keeps reminding me that He is so very real and so very present in our struggles.  All for His Glory through our good.  

A long road....and peace

I was hopeful when we took this pic that it would be the last time I would be in one of these hospital gowns for a long, long time.  After all, it's not exactly my 'style'....a little too thin and not enough closures for my taste!  :)  I like my clothing just a bit more secure......

But after our follow up appointment today, I may have to settle for this outfit once again (on your third round I'm wondering if you get the option for embroidery or something?  or at least choice of colors? or at least a pedicure while you're under?!?!).  Even though the initial 'frozen' (not THAT Frozen!) lab results indicated that we were all 'clear', the final lab results came back less than favorable.  Basically, the pathology report showed a 'micron' of clear margins, less than 1cm, which is the standard for 'clear' margins.  There were also indicators of the presence of microscopic precancerous cells in other parts of the tissue.  So, basically, we don't know what we don't know.  Our options now include more surgery and/or radiation....what we were hoping to avoid from the very beginning.

I honestly had a hard time thinking through our options in the office.... either Rich or Luke asked me which way I was leaning and I honestly had no leaning one way or the other...  what I did think was 'this really stinks' and we just need to pray and see.

The very, very odd thing, though, is that this news shook me less than last time....maybe I'm getting numb to not so great news or just because it is a peace from God....peace not as the world gives, but one that can only be from Him.  Don't get me wrong, I cried and am disappointed and frustrated and wonder if this will ever end.....it feels like the Twilight Zone gone very wrong....but the best I can describe is that my feet are still under me.

So, we come before you again, asking, pleading, for prayers.  Prayers for wisdom regarding further surgery and treatment...decisions that need to be made in the next couple days.  Prayers to specifically guard our hearts and minds.... that I would remember the awesome angel and still expectantly believe in miracles.  Because I've seen it.  God is real and it's what we have been waiting this season to celebrate.  The birth of Christ our Savior who didn't just pat us on the back, blow us a kiss and say 'good luck' with all that earth stuff.... but a Savior who clothed himself in human form to dwell among us.  The same skin as mine...His skin was also torn and bled....and His heart also broken.  So I know that He knows.  Which is the only way I can explain how He gives us peace that surpasses all understanding.  Just like the angels proclaimed at His birth...peace on earth and good will to men.  He means all things for my good and His Glory.

And a wise, wise friend mentioned something to me.....as I'm struggling to find grace in this walk....that maybe this situation IS the grace.  That somehow this battle against cancer (stubborn, it is!) is a grace.... and there's a tiny seed of hope in me that maybe, just maybe it is.  Because only God could take cancer and make it a grace.  God can do the crazy, cool things like that....beauty from ashes and grace from cancer.

Much love from the Hartneys.

  

                     

The Angel

We are back home - praise God!

Thank you for your prayers.... everything went smoothly yesterday.  God answered some prayers - some crazy cool big time prayers.

We waited through the pre op checklist and thought we would be sitting around for a few more hours until the scheduled surgery time of 1:00 p.m.  But as soon as we finished with the 2nd to last item on the checklist, they told us the OR was ready for us.  This was way sooner than anticipated and much, much better than waiting around for hours.

On the drive in I kept praying and hoping that I could get the same anesthesiologist..... there are at least five different anesthesiologists on staff so I knew it was not a guarantee.... but when they told us the OR was ready for us, they also said 'we're moving a little quicker since you're going to have the same anesthesiologist'.  Thank you, Lord!

We held hands with our surgeon and anesthesiologist and Rich prayed for us before I was taken to the OR.  The last detail I remember is trying to see if I could get the record for staying awake the longest before falling asleep.  I don't think I lasted that long.  :)

As of now, the initial lab results are 'clear', meaning no return trip to the OR!  We are still praying for the official results to be clear....we should know within the week.  And one of my biggest sources of being 'sad' was further scarring and deformity.  I think it's amazing to say that Luke was able to maintain one scar line and did not have to remove any of the fluid that was filled to start reconstruction. God is Good - He even answers my 'vain' prayers.

Here is something I haven't shared too openly..... the past week has felt like a battle to know that none of this is in vain.  That even this set back is somehow for His Glory and my good.  I have been pleading with God for the reassurance that 'this present suffering' will result in His future Glory...and my good.  It's felt like wave after wave of 'hard things' and just struggling to catch my breath.  But all the hard things - the pain - it becomes almost welcome when you know that it all leads to His Glory....that somehow, we're being included in an amazing story that will one day be revealed.  It's hard because some days I can only see as far as the next round of meds and the mountain in front of me seems impassable.  And so it has been an inner plea to just have 'eyes' to see that all of this is not in vain.

And God in His mercy answered my plea when I least expected it.  I've debated sharing this on a post because it seems so private, but it's not my own gift to keep hidden...I feel led to share it.

I saw an Angel.  A huge angel.  

I was behind the angel, looking at his back and could see myself on the table beyond him.

I didn't see his face.  And we didn't exchange any words.

But two thoughts were communicated to me.
1) That if he were to unfurl his wings, they would stretch beyond the walls of the OR
2) At any moment, he could unfurl his wings and it would provide a shield over me

He was statue/granite gray in color.  And he was a serious angel....standing guard.  I mention the color specifically because I've always imagined angels to be white/goldish/glowing.  I still think it's odd that this one was gray.

                                   My friend, Mel, sketched this based on my description.  
                                  What timing that she happens to be here at the same time
                                  that I saw the angel.

Some might dismiss this as a dream - but in the other three times that I have been under general anesthesia I have never had a dream.  Some might say it's because I was just talking about angels and reading a comic book with graphics - but this angel looked nothing like the graphics because it was gray.

I don't know if I saw the angel while I was under or starting to come to, but it's one of the first things I remember mentioning to Rich and Luke when I woke up.  The image was crystal clear.

What a gracious God.  He owes me nothing.  He is not obligated to answer my pleas.  But in His love for us, He answered me when I least expected it.  I have never seen visions before or had dreams about angels.  And now, I have seen one, by His grace.

I will never forget this angel.  God's very real gift to me....and hopefully you.

Round 2 - Go BIG

This will be a brief update as I try to do this from my phone in the waiting room.  It's an odd feeling to feel 'ok' yet be told that you have something wrong with you.

I have been feeling better and better over the past two weeks and it's really hard to know that we're taking a step back.  This time around seems bigger to me... Because I know more of what is involved and because I just started regaining movement and strength. The procedure itself should be much simpler and OR time less than half of last time.  And now we have an idea of what pain meds to start with.  Those are all good things.

I don't pretend to know why we are going through this setback or even try to have a 'happy face' about this. I am sad and I am weary.  But I was reminded of something.... That my view of all this is so small.  All I see and feel is the here and now but Christ promises a bigger Hope.  A bigger story where my scars will fade and even complement the tapestry that is being woven.

And the Angels.... Ones I know were standing guard over me last time and continue to do so..... For some reason I made them so small in my mind.  Not weak, but just sweet, small angels.  That's all wrong, though. . I believe they are Rereeaaallly BIG.  My friend told me so.  And Rich just ordered these cool comic books about the Bible with awesome graphics and yup- the angels are BIG.

Even if that's all I 'gain' from this surgery, that is huge. To be reminded that God's Army means business and they are terrifyingly huge and I can take a break from fighting because we are on the same side.

Our prayer requests include 1) wisdom for my surgeon, Luke, to know what to take for clean margins yet preserve as much of me as possible.  For my mental and emotional well being.  That God would guide Luke's  hands and give me peace to accept the outcome.  Between having a baby and these surgeries I feel especially vulnerable in my self image.  2) for no infections or complications... 3) pain management post surgery.  4) Luke will also insert a port for future treatment... Prayers for it to fit in just the right place and that it would not be painful. 5) for our friends Mel and Erica who are holding down the fort at home and for their families that are missing their mommas  6)that I could go home TODAY.  Being surrounded by friends and my family at home is the best medicine for this momma.

Thank you again for your prayers and continually lifting us up.  We are waiting until our scheduled OR time of 1:00 p.m.  Until then, I'll be reading through the comic books to remind me of the incredible warriors that have my back.

Curveballs

First and foremost, we have GREAT news.  We met with our surgeon today and found out that the final lab results came back NEGATIVE.  The cancer has not spread and for that we are so very, very thankful!  We barely got a chance to enjoy the good news before being told some not so great news, though.  Our curveball.  When the labs dissected all the tissue removed during surgery, they found one part where they don't have 'clear margins'.  Basically, it means there may or may not be some cancerous tissue remaining.  And so we have another OR date reserved for either Tuesday or Wednesday of next week to remove more tissue.

To say I am feeling discouraged is an understatement.  I feel like I (literally) just got back on my feet and we are already looking at surgery again.  I am scared (the last experience is not a distant memory).  I am scared of the pain - of going beyond my pain threshold again.  I am heartbroken that more of me will have to be removed.  I am sad that there will be more and bigger scars and some more deformity (I apologize if that is too much information, but I promise to be transparent).

After we returned home I laid upstairs in bed, just needing a breather.  As I listened to some music and prayed, I kept thinking that I just didn't feel like I had enough fight left in me.  It's already been a battle and the end is not in sight and now we have a setback.

But I cannot let self pity get even a foothold in my heart.  So I kept praying and pleading with God...and let the tears flow.  And I remembered something - I don't have to fight this.  When I am weak, He is strong.  And for some reason His sacrifice for us on the Cross dominated my thoughts.   How He paid the price once and for all and we don't have to continually offer rituals or sacrifices to atone for ourselves or please some nebulous God.  Instead, He chose a Way that paid the price once and for all.  Hear that?  Once and for all, our salvation has been paid for.  No maintenance, no checking in to see if we're still 'good' with the big man, no continual efforts to stay in favor in order to gain access to the pearly gates.  And the only thing that I can do right now?  Is give thanks.

"  Offer to God a sacrifice of Thanksgiving....and call upon me in the day of trouble and I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me."  Psalm 50: 14

I don't feel like fighting right now.  And to be very honest, I don't feel like putting on a fake happy face.  I am heartbroken.  But I can and WILL give thanks.

And yes.  We have MUCH to be thankful for.  Here are just a few.....

1) My kids are beautiful - oh, their hearts.  Not once have they been upset with me because I haven't been able to be wholly 'mom'...not being able to pick them up, hold them, give them big squeeze hugs (which I YEARN for).  Instead, you know what they do?  They cheered for me when I was able to walk down the stairs and they reward me with stickers.  Their hearts are beautiful.  Please pray that God would continue to guard their hearts with innocence and tenderness and understanding.

2)  Friends.  I'm pretty sure my friends are the best that anyone could ask for.  I mean it.  Six of them, flying in from all over the country to love on me and my family.  And that's a sacrificial love, I know, because when they are here, their families are missing them.  They serve my family with joy and help in countless ways, so many times, without me having to even ask (you know, the friends who go change your kid's dirty diaper without having to be asked :)).  Please continue to cover their families in prayer.

3)  my husband.  He has been a solid rock.  He has not once complained about the seismic shift in responsibilities at home.  He is tired and is literally loving on me as 'christ has loved the church'.  He is love in action.  Pray for His strength, renewal and peace.

There is so much more that I could/should write...but I'm feeling guilty about sitting here and typing while my friends are cutting vegetables and cooking in the kitchen.  I could write much more about the friends who have offered to send their breastmilk, sent food and gifts/activities for the kids, flowers, cards, gift cards, care packages, friends who have done research for many things on my behalf.....the list could literally go on.

But I am tired and weary and just want to rest now.  But none of this changes that God is Good and He is in control.  My 'curveball' was known by Him from the beginning and so I am secure in His sovereignty.  Let's just hit this curveball out the park and look for a home run.  :)

Waging War

We're bbaaacccccck.  :)  At least for a brief update.

It has been a week full of support from family and friends near and far.  From friends who flew in from far away, friends that sat with Rich during surgery and sat with me post surgery, drove our kids to school, watched the younger kids, made meals for us, mailed gifts, sent flowers and everyone who has prayed, prayed and prayed for us.

With my limited range of motion and ability to concentrate for brief periods of time, this update will have to be brief, but I'll try to include all I can remember.

First, the pre-op dye injection could not have gone better!  I KNOW that people were praying for us because in a situation where anyone would have the right to freak out I felt surrounded by peace.  The dye injection is a painful, cold, lonely and somewhat intimidating process, but I felt guarded by an army of angels throughout the process.  Rich was not allowed to wait on the floor with me, the room has to be one of the coldest in the hospital (to keep the machines from breaking down) and they use needles to inject the dye on each side.  Despite all this, the whole process went quickly and I felt so protected.  Thank you for praying over me specifically during this time.

As we were doing final preparations and meeting the other doctors and nurses, God sent a huge encouragement in the form of my anesthesiologist.  After she introduced herself to me I asked her about not using certain medications/procedures that have been questionable for treating cancer patients and fully expected to have to justify myself.  BUT, she completely agreed based on her research she had done because SHE IS ALSO A CANCER SURVIVOR.  What are the chances of having a cancer survivor included in my team of doctors????  She took good care of me.  God is good.

I have mentioned how powerful I think prayer is and my surgery is most definitely an example.  I don't have a better way to explain that there is certainly a bigger battle being waged here.  This is not just about a battle to beat cancer - though that is what we see  - but I am convinced that a bigger, unseen battle is being waged for His Glory through my Good.  The best way I can explain this is through a rundown of my surgery (reconstructed through facts from Rich and my surgeon).

The first part of surgery included the lymph node biopsy.  There is a tool used to detect which lymph node the radioactive substance spreads to first.  This lymph node is then dissected to determine whether or not the cancer has spread.  About and hour and a half into surgery, the surgeon stepped out to give Rich an update....Rich thought the update was of the biopsy result....but it was actually because somehow, during the procedure, the tool used to detect the radioactive substance BROKE.  And yep, there is only ONE in the entire hospital.  The options were to continue with a visual method or wake me up and start all over a different day.  Thank the Lord, the surgeons were able to continue with the back up visual method and were successful!  Family and friends were waging war on our behalf without even knowing it.

While the surgeons were completing the rest of the mastectomy my bleeding continued to increase and my blood pressure dropped.  My bleeding didn't stop and my blood pressure was in the 60's.  The next update my surgeon gave Rich was that surgery was put on hold until my blood pressure stabilized.  Finally, after four transfusions my blood pressure rose from the 60's and they were able to complete the reconstruction portion of surgery.  Again, family and friends were waging war on our behalf without even knowing the full extent of the battle.  At one point during surgery a friend said she felt a strong conviction to stop in the middle of running errands and pray for me with her kids.  It wasn't but a minute later that Rich had sent her a text about surgery being on pause until my blood pressure stabilized.  

I spent a couple nights in the ICU to recover from a 'rougher than normal' surgery before being moved to the normal post surgical floor and finally being released after three nights in the hospital.  It took a while to get an IV in, figure out the balance of finding the right meds to relieve pain and also keep my blood pressure up.  I truly believe we were given an 'A-team' of doctors, nurses and prayer warriors to surround us with His protection.  I know my life - aka my 'good' was being brought before His throne continually and especially during surgery for His Glory.  For that we are eternally grateful.

And we continue to seek your prayers for the following:
1) the initial lymph node biopsy came back NEGATIVE - praise the Lord!!!  But we get the official results this week.  There are sometime false negatives, but we are praying and waiting expectantly for final lab results to be negative!

2) My recovery is getting better and better each day.  I can walk further, move my arms more and continue to have more energy.  It is the emotional and mental battle that I also ask prayer for.  I have not yet had the courage to see my 'new' self in the mirror yet.  It is an adjustment that I'm sure will take time.  And once the drains aka 'grenades' are removed, I'm sure that will be a big step towards feeling more 'normal'.  I know I've never been in the running for a beauty pageant, but I will admit that this is a pretty significant vulnerability in my self image and I need to remind myself that I am still His creation - and that His creations are beautiful regardless of the type of scars we bear.

3) Protection for my family - Rich is working more than overtime and my kids are resilient so far.  Please pray for their physical protection from sickness and that my kids would be protected from fear of what they see me go through.  I pray that their innocence would be preserved.

4) Continued wisdom in deciding on future treatment.  We are looking into all our options and the big picture seems overwhelming...considering I can't even walk more than a few minutes yet.  :)  Pray that we would have clarity of thought and perspective as we make future decisions.

We so very grateful for all the love and support and prayers lavished on us by our family and friends.  Thank you so much, from the bottom of our hearts.

Here are some fun pics of the past couple days.

      

Far away Friends

Jen is not authoring this post.  She is still in the hospital recovering from surgery (with the hopes of heading home by the weekend).  I have hijacked her account (with permission!) in hopes of getting out some information to a broader audience.

Many of you, especially far away friends, have been asking what you can do to help Jen and the rest of the Hartney family.  Distance is somewhat limiting!

Here are a few things:

Keep praying!  God hears our pleas and praises and they touch His heart.

Send notes of encouragement. (...and maybe a picture/note for the kids!)

Send a 'treat'.  Jen is on a pretty restricted diet...vegan, vegetarian, raw, organic.  If you are wanting to include a 'treat' with your encouragement, please send something that meets that criteria.  These types of things are usually sold in health/whole food stores like Whole Foods or Sprouts.  You can order a lot of these sorts of products online (amazon.com) too.  A few suggestions include:

• products from 2 Moms In The Raw 
• dried kale chips or other dried veggie/veggie chips
• granola or granola bars
• walnuts (no additives/flavors)
• dried figs (no additives/flavors) or other no sugar added dried fruit

*If wondering what to get, look up 2 Moms in the Raw products on amazon.com, click on one and then scroll through the 'customers who bought this item also bought' products further down the page.  This should provide a good starting point!

Clean their house.  They have a cleaning service set up.  If you're interested sponsoring a cleaning or two, please contact Kerry Faber, kerryfreed@hotmail.com.

Look forward.  Jen will likely be going to a cancer treatment center (Phoenix? Houston?) for chemo treatment.  There will be a lot of logistical needs to fill regarding those treatment trips.  If you are able/willing to help out with that (be a travel companion, help in El Paso, have friends/family in either of those locations that may be able to help), please consider doing so.

If you need the Hartney's address, please contact me, danajones50@hotmail.com.

Thank you for being the hands and feet of Jesus to Jen and her family.  And thank you for your willingness to do so even from afar!

~Dana