Trust....and Getting my Butt Kicked

I mentioned a while ago that I got to experience an awesome weekend at a Young Life women's retreat at Lost Canyon, AZ.  Since then, there have been some l.o.n.g. days where I ended flat on my back, feeling just a whee bit defeated.  And I kept coming back to some of the things I took away from that women's retreat.

The first night of the retreat, one of the gals leading music said something that made me really pause.  She reminded us that we often know that God loves us and is with us, but we sometimes forget that He is FOR us.  I suddenly realized that I viewed God through that lens.  It was such a simple, yet significant revelation to me.  See, I have experienced people who I know love me, not standing up for me.  There have been moments where people who say they love me, didn't stand up for me/defend me/fight for me when I needed it most.  And it left it's mark.  And I have been so very guilty of the same.  Let me be clear that I am just as guilty of this.

And the way I've experienced this, made me view God's love for me the same way, without even realizing it.  I know that I am loved.  I know that I am a child of a King.  I know these things in my deepest of hearts...but for some reason I've doubted that He is for me.  That He goes before me, battles on my behalf, advocates for me and has my back.  That he, the King of all Kings fight for little 'ol me.  It says it clearly in Psalm 56:9 "This I know, that God is for me."  Could it be any clearer?

Yet, to be honest, it has been hard for me to fully grasp and understand this.  On the days that are long and I begin to wonder if I'm just doing this all wrong because it just seems so hard, I don't exactly 'feel' like He is for me.  It's hard to feel like someone is fighting for you when you just feel so tired and weary. And the days when everything lines up perfectly, the kids actually act like civilized human beings, I have more energy than normal, the lack of adult conversation somehow doesn't get to me and I cross almost everything off my to do list....those days, I thank God for those days, but somehow still struggle to remember that He is for me.  It's just such a foreign concept to me that I'm still learning how to embrace.  Here's a teeny example of what I mean:  when I've had to correct how my kids say something for the gazillionth time, clean up after the umpteenth meal that I've had alone with them, or joy over them learning to ride a horse and praise them for helping the little one with her shoes - where in all the chaos and mundane that the world never sees, where/how am I supposed to see that He is FOR me?

And the place I return to is trust.  It almost seems like the beginning of my faith...when I didn't truly 'get' it all...(I still wonder about Jonah and the whale!), crossed my arms and had so many questions, yet there was enough reason for me to trust.  Maybe it just boils down to the home you were raised in, maybe it was a life changing event, or because whoever told you about this savior Jesus, was someone you trusted with all your heart.  In the beginning, I definitely didn't understand it all (obviously still don't!)...but I trusted because I understood just enough.  And slowly, this journey of faith, getting to know Him better has confirmed that my trust was not misplaced.  So, here I go again...trusting that He is indeed FOR me and that I will understand this better in days to come as it is revealed to me.         

Filled to the brim

Life has been moving at a fast pace the past two weeks....for good reasons!  Visits with great friends a birthday celebration and a women's young life retreat at Lost Canyon.  All awesome.  I was undecided on the decision to go to the retreat until pretty much the last minute, but I am SO glad I did.  My husband rock star'd (a new term/verb???) it as we drove from Denver to Albuquerque, where he dropped me off to link up with some fantastic gals, then took our crew another six hours home, unloaded, unpacked and got the house back in functioning order so that I returned late last night to a CLEAN home.  :)

After having a week of wonderful visits with friends, I switched cars in Albuquerque and couldn't shake the feeling of being homesick.  But I wasn't homesick for my family (it had only been a few hours) or for our new home (though I do like our new town!)...yet I just couldn't shake the feeling of being homesick.  I asked God what I was so homesick for.....and it hit me.  I was homesick for the community, familiarity, bonds, memories, inside jokes, history and memories that come with old, tried and true friendships.  I was in a car with some beautiful ladies on a way to a retreat with the promise of new relationships, but it was a stark contrast to the weeks worth of familiarity that I had just left.  I had not been that homesick since I was a little girl.

But if there was ever a cure for homesickness, a weekend at a Young Life camp did the job for me.  If you have never been to a YL camp and come across the opportunity to go, here is my unashamed plug:  GO.  EXPERIENCE.  You will not regret it one iota.

From the minute we walked into our rooms and saw the adorable goodies waiting for us on our beds and decorations, to the amazing music crew, the hilarious program characters and the speaker who breathed life into my tired bones, it was clear that everything was done with excellence for His Name's sake.  Oh, did I mention the food???  Yep.  Just as awesome.  This ain't your average camp food.  Oh no siree!



Late during the first night, my homesickness began to fade....because I was back in a familiar place.  It wasn't because I had been to Lost Canyon before or because I was with my best friends.  It was my first few hours at Lost Canyon and I had known a couple of the ladies for only a few hours.  Instead, it was the familiarity of being with a group of folks who all wanted the same thing:  to experience and glorify God.  As we sang songs of praise, laughed hysterically at the program and heard the words of God through our speaker, it seemed to me a glimpse of what heaven could be like.  Where we sing to our Creator, laugh with joy and hear His voice.  It was all about Him and it WILL be all about Him.  

Bottom line:  for 36 hours, the retreat staff and crew poured into us.  POURED into us in every way.  These are just a few highlights that I walked away with and can't wait to share:

1) He is FOR us.  Psalm 56:9.  A gal who led the praise reminded us that though we know we are loved by God, sometimes we forget that He is FOR us. This was something I really needed to hear:  I have experienced folks who I know without a doubt love me, but weren't FOR me when I needed them to be.  I needed to hear that God is FOR me.  

2) In the story of Mary and Martha, Nick our speaker, pointed out that Martha was not told that she was doing a bad thing.  She wasn't sinning in her actions.  Jesus just merely points out that Mary had chosen the 'better thing'.  I feel overwhelmed by the many 'good' things I try to do/feel the need to do... but I am learning to discern and choose the 'better thing'.

3) Don and Renee Wooster gave a marriage seminar and it was EXCELLENT.  Their words of wisdom made me want to love my husband even better.  And they encouraged us in how to do it.  They were transparent, real and such a breath of fresh air.    

And the last thing I'll mention:  the group of ladies I had the privilege to be with.  WOW.  In the hours spent in that minivan, I saw these gals with new eyes...through the eyes of God.  Their stories are not mine to share, but my best description of their lives is 'beauty from ashes'.  I came in with the impression that they were a secure, flawless, beautiful, professional, confident group of gals that I was just a wee bit, maybe slightly intimidated by.  But their stories and scars make them real, beautiful, women that God is using for His Glory and I feel blessed to call them friends.

I can't wait to share more.......I need to pour it out because I am filled to the brim.  

The dreaded F word....

Does anyone else remember the choose-your-own-adventure books growing up?  I have vivid memories of devouring those books one after another.  You would start with one scenario, then you were offered one of two choices for the next scenario and so on until you got to the end.  Of course I would always go back and try every single combination of scenarios until I exhausted every outcome.  And that is what my brain does when I give in to the dreaded F word....FEAR.

I don't typically think of myself as a worrier....or someone who has any abnormal fears (except snakes...I don't even like the stuffed animal versions...much less those pretending to be harmless behind glass displays....yuck, yuck, yuck....I would shoot one with a shotgun in a heartbeat).  But lately, I have been thinking of so many 'what if' scenarios.

 It's everything from little to big things.... we just had some hand, foot, mouth nastiness around here and I started thinking 'what if we just keep passing it on and we never kick it and never get to play with other people ever again?? it'll just keep mutating and between six folks in this house we'll just keep kicking it back and forth and become hermits for the next year and be known as those weird hand,foot,mouth people'.  See??  I quickly digress into a hopeless scenario.  Or swing to the other end of 'big stuff'....regarding our job and the Army - separation boards are coming up and my husband's class is one of those under evaluation.  What if in some crazy scenario we get separated and all the sudden we have no job (because I don't currently work...but I guess maybe I SHOULD be working then, just in case....or go back to school and get another degree...but what would I study???) and what if we need to move again?  I start analyzing our savings and investments and wonder what if?? Wow.  I'm pretty sure I burn more calories with my mental worry than I do in a 5 mile run.  And of course there is everything in between..... what if my kids grown up to be miscreants and terrors to society?...what if my kids fall in a pool and drown (almost happened today)?...what if I eat this/that and the chemicals cause me to grow a tumor in five years?...what if we buy this couch now and regret it???...

I am not saying to throwing prudence and wisdom to the wind...but there is a mighty fine line between wisdom and fear.   I walk that tightrope daily...sometimes hourly.

So, I was wrestling with how to combat these fears.  Because if you let it run rampant, it can devour you, your thoughts, and above all, your witness.  And then a verse came to mind from Proverbs:  "The fear of the Lord is wisdom and knowledge of the Holy one is understanding."  And the reminder to fear the Lord above all else is found again and again elsewhere in Proverbs, Psalms, Job and Ecclesiastes.  Even King David, a man after God's own heart, gave in to fear when he took a census of his troops before going to battle.

I pull a "king David" all the time...a fear comes up...I analyze what I have, my strengths and how to come up with my own solution.  Instead, I think fearing the Lord would mean coming to Him first.  Asking for His counsel and just plain 'ol trusting Him first, above all else.  Sometimes that's a hard pill to swallow and several times this week, all I have been able to mutter is "help me trust You God...help my unbelief".  Someone once reminded me that everything that comes our way, trials and joys, have first passed through the hands of God.  Our Creator.  Creator of the Universe.  So what have I to fear in comparison to that??  

In fear and reverence for God will come the knowledge we seek.  And peace.  And Glory to Him.  I will choose to fear none other than my Holy God.  And pray like crazy for my unbelief.

 

Forgotten

Recently one of my worst fears came true.  I actually forgot that it happened and then felt so terrible after being reminded about it because I had to be reminded about it.  Does that make sense?

I was in a new store with kids in tow and as we were headed out the door, I had a request to make a detour for a potty break.  I was at the front door so I went ahead and decided to park the cart, grabbed my little one from the front seat of the cart, and started walking towards the bathrooms with the bigger two straggling behind.......and they were s.t.r.a.g.g.l.i.n.g. BECAUSE I forgot their sister in the back of the cart!  Yep, I just started walking right off, focused on my task at hand, and had completely forgotten one of my kiddos in the back of the shopping cart.  Thankfully she seemed to take it all in stride and after I retrieved her, took our potty break and got back home I put the whole thing behind me. So I thought.

This same child of mine is known to repeat things over and over and over.  In the past two weeks she kept saying "don't forget me" every single time we got out of the car of walked out the door.  I had no idea why she kept saying it...I just imagined that she had picked up the phrase and was doing her thing. Repeating it.  I finally asked her, "why do you keep saying that?? Have I EVER forgotten you??"  Umm.  YES.  I had.  and she quickly reminded of the event...which I had forgotten, but which had left such an impression on her sensitive heart.  I felt like crumpling and crying and asked her to forgive me, to which she light heartedly said 'yes.  Do you forgive me for fussing?'  oh my heart.  It broke for her that she felt forgotten by me when I had never ever intended to.  It is one of my parenting lows.

And then it dawned on me how many things I forget and how often.  (don't even get me started on my preggo forgetfulness....it includes putting dirty diapers in the FRIDGE.  so yuck.)  I get annoyed when my son forgets to do something I've asked him over and over to do....and forget the degree of Grace I have been given....and should share abundantly with him.

I've also been realizing that I have forgotten how to not be in 'moving mode'.  For the past almost 6 months, we've been in transition and have moved twice.  I keep the mental timeline which ticks down the time til we move again.  I forgot that I don't have to worry about moving again...for a little while at least.

Moving has the affect of making me feel somewhat forgotten.  When you're trying to connect and plug in with an already established group, it's easy to feel forgotten in the mix of things.  When you're far from family it's easy to feel forgotten.  Because life just gets busy sometimes.

The combination of my parenting lows and side effects of moving had me in a place of feeling so unworthy.  Just overwhelmed.  Incapable.

Then someone reminded me of this simple fact.  Because, again, I had forgotten.  That I am BELOVED by Christ.  Despite all my flaws, ugliness, selfishness, failures and shortcomings, He has chosen to LOVE me with the purest, most perfect of loves.  First.  Because of who He is.  And then I remember that He restores all things.  he heals all hurts.  And He renews us.  I remember that I am His Beloved.  And that's all I ever need to remember.    

Relentless

Whew.  Some days life just feels relentless.  I know some are dealing with relentless snow, relentless days of flying solo as a parent, relentless health issues, relentless pressure, relentless expectations, just relentless relentlessness (does that make sense???).

The last few days have felt relentless to me.... relentless attending to children - one cries, the other spills a Costco size jar of cashews (I know...who really needs that many cashews??), another stuffs a carrot far, far up her nose, and then one feels 'all better' after puking all over me (and my freshly washed sweater).  Let me say here - I love my children....and I do not take for granted the blessing that they are.  BUT.  This parenting job is hard for me and kicks my butt on a daily basis. It's been a process for me to realize that just because I thought this job was hard, it was not a sole indicator that I was doing a bad job.  I could go on about this for any moms out there who are weary and wondering what in the world they are doing.... that post for another time, though.  Back to relentless:  three leaks spilling through the ceiling (of our h.o.m.e.) while replacing two toilets.... and then we start our evening off with a call to 911 because a sweet elderly lady takes a fall in our home and fractures her hip.

I kept questioning why life had to be so relentless at times?  For a few moments I wondered if it was possible to just run away (a friend once told me that somedays you qualify as a good mom just because you didn't run away :)).  I was in the pit of resenting how relentless everything around me seemed.

Then, at such an unexpected moment, God lifted up my eyes and showed me a different 'relentless'.  How He was relentless in reconciling us to Him.  He didn't ease up on helping us obtain a way to Him. He was relentless in His love for us that He gave His one and only Son to die for us.  He IS relentless in His promise to make us holy.  Be Holy because I am Holy.  It is not just a challenge or command.  It is a promise that He continues to make us Holy and will complete the Good work He began in us.  He will not relent.  When life around us never seems to ease up, His relentless pursuit of us is always greater.

I know everyone has different struggles and challenges that accompany each season of life...sometimes I feel like I will never make it out of this season intact.  But hear what I clearly felt God lay on my heart:  No matter how heavy your heart may feel, no matter the doubts your brains whispers, there is a Great Work in us that He is doing...it is a promise...and He never relents in His love for us.      

Not for the Faint of Heart

Whew....sometimes, I have experiences that just get my heart beating a little faster and adrenaline pumping.  It's not like skydiving where you totally anticipate what's to come and expect the end result... it's those unexpected-not-what-I-would-have-chosen-to-do-but-it's-over-now-and-I'm-thankful kind of experiences.  Bear with me while I explain:

I was in the kitchen getting breakfast ready, somewhat preoccupied, but trying to listen to what my daughter was saying.  Something like this "umm...I see something with little leggies....and maybe a spiky thing...maybe something that can sting..."  Honestly, my kiddos speech is not totally clear so I did the familiar 'uh huh...oh...cool..wonder what it is..hang on, I'll be right there' line.  As I stepped over to join her I discovered a scorpion!!!!!  Let me say paint a clearer picture for you:  all my kiddos and I were barefoot in the kitchen and there was a scorpion about to pounce on us and sting us to death so that my husband would return home to all of us face up on the floor having succumbed to poisonous scorpion venom. Yep, now you're with me.  So I immediately considered shooting it...with my shot gun?  bow and arrow?  In the meantime, kiddos - 'Get your boots on now!'.  I know this may sound like overkill (no pun intended!), but this Chicago girl is NOT used to sharing living space with scorpions and I've heard they can be dangerous.

Fast forward through a couple phone calls asking friends what I should do with a scorpion (because the rational side of me wants to catch it and preserve it for a science lesson with the kiddos) and I decide to try and be brave, spare it's life (for the time being) and trap it in a jar and release it far far far from here.  In the process of trying to trap it, the little sucker crawls right up the cabinet baseboard and INTO THE CABINET.  oh my word.  I screamed and then switched strategies to talking nicely to it to coax it back out.  so I could VANQUISH it this time.

Double fast forward:  I end up calling a pest company because we had already had many, many, many ants in and around the house so I figured this was a sign.  The exterminators (I sometimes wish that was my job title) were so nice and understanding and proceeded to spray the house inside and out.  While they were spraying outside I started having second doubts.... really?  do I need to hire a company to come and deal with pesky (slightly poisonous) insects for me instead of just taking care of it on my own?  ugh...I shouldn't have called...I'm such a wimp.  Then they came inside to finish spraying and as I was chatting with the friendly guy we turned around in time to see a BLACK WIDOW emerge from right behind the kitchen cabinet above where the scorpion had emerged.  Seriously???????  After I muffled my own scream, I politely asked him if he could catch it for me (I have an issue, I think).  He was kind enough to catch it in a jar for me after asking 'are you crazy?' when I handed him a tiny, mini, but really cute, 1/2 " clothespin to scoop it  up with....it was the closest object on hand from a craft project..I digress....

It made me really thankful that God has exposed the scorpion in order to find that black widow.  Not how I would have chosen my day to be, but I was thankful none the less.

And it revealed something else in my heart:  there have been and are certain sins that I think I can deal politely with.... just suppress it...cover over it....work on it...gradually...give it time...maybe it's not that bad because I can hide it for the most part.  But God was showing me that when convicted, there are certain sins that have absolutely no business being part of my life.  We are to be ruthless with eradicating and ridding ourselves of some things.  And in the process, He gives Grace to reveal other hidden, black widows in our hearts that sometimes we weren't even aware of.

When I was in junior high things at home got a little unstable.  I responded with just a tiny bit of rebellion that included cussing like a sailor amongst a few other things (that I'll save for later :)).  Truly, I remember being so proud of myself for using more swear words than normal words in a sentence.  My adjectives for anything was usually limited to four letters.  And then somewhere, by the Grace of God, I was convicted to refine my speech.  It didn't happen gradually with just 5 four letter words in my sentence, then 4, then 3 and so on.... it happened cold turkey.  I just had to quit.

And even though God rid my speech of being overrun by swear words, He's revealed to me something even greater:  there's much more to my speech than just the literal words..tone, sharpness, rhythm, passive aggressive vocabulary, being laced with sarcasm, etc.  It's been a long road (I seem to have encountered a detour after having kids!) in transforming my speech from caustic to grace....and it's still a daily work in progress.

I'm happy to report that the only scorpions and black widows in this lady's house are sitting in a jar, preserved in alcohol.  :)  How thankful I am, though, for those 'scorpions' in my life that God uses to reveal the dangerous, hidden, lurking black widows.

U-Turns and Dead Ends

Some may know that I have a terrible sense of direction.  Truly...not just a bad sense of direction, but a really terrible sense of direction.  For example, if I'm lost and trying to find my way around and think that I need to turn right, I'll actually tell myself to turn left since I would have turned right....because I'm that bad at directions.  I know we live in the age of GPS, but a computer doesn't always know when there are detours due to construction....which brings me to a recent outing.

One of the things I get really excited to find whenever we move to a new place is a hair salon!  Once I find someone who can cut my hair I feel degrees closer to saying we are 'settled'.  I got a referral from a friend and while I was out running errands I had a few extra minutes so I thought I would swing by and check the place out....it was only 5 minutes from our house.  Supposedly.  Let me just say I set a new record:  I ran into TWELVE U-turns and dead ends.  And then to make it worse, once I was past the twilight zone of dead ends I looked around and realized I had just driven past my HOUSE!  See.  I really am bad at navigation.

Once I finally got a chance to look at my map and zoom out, I realized why I was stuck in the land of never ending u-turns/dead ends.  In this neighborhood adjacent to ours, there is only one road that crosses the Rio Grande and since that road was under construction the only way around was actually two exits further on the highway.  Ahhhhh..... after I looked at the big picture I understood why I had been SO stinkin' turned around.

As a family, we have been re-evaluating and praying about adjusting certain things in our life.  And in one particular area it seems like I am running into dead end after dead end....and then another dead end.  It can be discouraging at times and mildly frustrating.  And it makes me doubt.  And then I doubt my doubts.  And quite frankly, I'm currently confused on which way to turn and how to adjust our path.  I feel like I'm in the twilight zone of dead ends and U-turns and really wanting to explore every possibility, but I'm growing weary.

But God is faithful and I feel like He gently nudged me with an answer.  Not a specific answer that I was looking for, but a reminder to 'zoom out'.  To remember that He already knows the right path and that no matter which wrong turn I may or may not make, He will always bring me Home.  For now, I'm growing more and more confident in just taking in the big picture....remembering that He is faithful and always working for our Good and His Glory...and letting Him reveal the details to me in due time without fear of what may or may not be.  After all, He's even numbered the hairs on our head.