The first night of the retreat, one of the gals leading music said something that made me really pause. She reminded us that we often know that God loves us and is with us, but we sometimes forget that He is FOR us. I suddenly realized that I viewed God through that lens. It was such a simple, yet significant revelation to me. See, I have experienced people who I know love me, not standing up for me. There have been moments where people who say they love me, didn't stand up for me/defend me/fight for me when I needed it most. And it left it's mark. And I have been so very guilty of the same. Let me be clear that I am just as guilty of this.
And the way I've experienced this, made me view God's love for me the same way, without even realizing it. I know that I am loved. I know that I am a child of a King. I know these things in my deepest of hearts...but for some reason I've doubted that He is for me. That He goes before me, battles on my behalf, advocates for me and has my back. That he, the King of all Kings fight for little 'ol me. It says it clearly in Psalm 56:9 "This I know, that God is for me." Could it be any clearer?
Yet, to be honest, it has been hard for me to fully grasp and understand this. On the days that are long and I begin to wonder if I'm just doing this all wrong because it just seems so hard, I don't exactly 'feel' like He is for me. It's hard to feel like someone is fighting for you when you just feel so tired and weary. And the days when everything lines up perfectly, the kids actually act like civilized human beings, I have more energy than normal, the lack of adult conversation somehow doesn't get to me and I cross almost everything off my to do list....those days, I thank God for those days, but somehow still struggle to remember that He is for me. It's just such a foreign concept to me that I'm still learning how to embrace. Here's a teeny example of what I mean: when I've had to correct how my kids say something for the gazillionth time, clean up after the umpteenth meal that I've had alone with them, or joy over them learning to ride a horse and praise them for helping the little one with her shoes - where in all the chaos and mundane that the world never sees, where/how am I supposed to see that He is FOR me?
And the place I return to is trust. It almost seems like the beginning of my faith...when I didn't truly 'get' it all...(I still wonder about Jonah and the whale!), crossed my arms and had so many questions, yet there was enough reason for me to trust. Maybe it just boils down to the home you were raised in, maybe it was a life changing event, or because whoever told you about this savior Jesus, was someone you trusted with all your heart. In the beginning, I definitely didn't understand it all (obviously still don't!)...but I trusted because I understood just enough. And slowly, this journey of faith, getting to know Him better has confirmed that my trust was not misplaced. So, here I go again...trusting that He is indeed FOR me and that I will understand this better in days to come as it is revealed to me.
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