Overwhelmed..... by Him

Overwhelmed.  I promised to keep it real here, right?

I don't like to go around saying 'I'm overwhelmed', but sometimes, it is what it is and quite frankly, I feel overwhelmed.

                                This is our messy kitchen after attempting new vegetarian/cancer fighting recipes
                                and breakfast.  The state of my kitchen is sometimes a reflection of how I feel.
                               

My mind seems on overdrive with research of cancer treatments, information regarding surgery (lumpectomy vs mastectomy), plastic surgery (yes, I'm vain and want reconstruction - thankful that our insurance covers it!), changing my diet to incorporate cancer fighting foods, supplements, weaning Raleigh in preparation for surgery, etc.  And I know that I'm not firing on all cylinders when I'm on a newborn sleep cycle.  :)  Friends and family can attest to that.  :)  And I'm not exactly the martha stewart of decorating for holidays or the equivalent in terms of running a household with little ones.  I just simply feel like I'm always behind on something.  And so I broke down the other night, after letting crankiness and grumpiness get the best of me, and told my husband just how overwhelmed I felt.  I feel like I'm in a race against time to get so much done before surgery and treatments knock me off my feet for a bit.  And I have no idea how we're going to 'get it all done' when I'm not operating at 100%.

So, there it is - the nitty, gritty of how I feel at times.  Just simply overwhelmed.

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you."  Psalm 55:2

But like I said - my feelings don't change the fact that God is Good.  Can I say that again?  God is good.  He is faithful.  He knows what I need before I even ask.  Don't believe me?  Think that it's just he power of positive thinking?  Here are just a few glimpses into how He has been whispering to me and reassuring me that He has all this in His hands.

1) I mentioned in a post the other day that I was sad for a bit.  Sad for the things that I know are to come and how they will affect my family and friends.  A friend who is a prayer saint of mine said she had been praying for me and just asking God how she could pray for me.  And guess what He revealed to her?  That I was sad.  So that's how she prayed for me - that in my sadness, which is ok, I would find peace and solace in Him, my daddy.  And THEN she read the post where I mentioned being sad.  Geesh, He had friends lifting me up in my sadness before I ever admitted that I was sad!  God is Good. He meets all my needs and knows my deepest desires.  "In your presence there is fullness of joy."  Psalm 16:11

2)  I went to dinner last night with some girlfriends (yes, one of the benefits of starting to wean and having a mom and husband who are willing to hold down the fort for the night to let me have a few hours off!).  I sat across from a beautiful gal that I've been getting to know over the last few months.  We talked a bit about my recent appointments, etc. and I mentioned that we had just met with the plastic surgeon.  And yup, I'm not exactly thrilled about surgery in general, but even more about the recovery. Wouldn't 'ya know?  This beauty, sitting across from me had a double mastectomy with reconstruction - pretty much the same exact procedure that I will be having!  And she was so gracious in sharing her tips, experience, reassurances and even some pictures of recovery.  And I felt some of the anxiety I have just melt away.  I mean, here I am talking and looking at this beauty who has been through what I'm about to face.  God knew that I needed someone to tell me that 'it'll be okay, and you will come through this just fine'.  Someone that has been through it and could talk from experience.  God is Good.

"I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!  Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord."  Psalm 27:13-14

3) An acquaintance of a friend/family was introduced to me recently because of her similar background battling breast cancer.  I have to confess that I am looking at all methods/treatments for this battle to include natural/alternative/holistic therapy in addition the conventional treatment of surgery/chemo/radiation.  And up to now, I don't feel a peace about chemo.  It's not just because I don't want my hair to fall out (we'll deal with that when/if the time comes and figure out to rock a bald head!), but I just don't feel at peace with it.  yet.  God may provide that in due time.  I don't know.  But I called this lady to hear her background and see what her situation was and any advice she may have.  Again - wouldn't 'ya know?  Her tumor was the exact same size as mine, her staging and grade was the same as well.  And she was one year older.  Really?  That's no coincidence.  She had so much to share with me about natural/alternative methods of treatment that she has pursued after her cancer returned when she followed a regiment of surgery/chemo/radiation.  God is Good.      

"This I know that God is for me."  Psalm 56:9
" Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisors, they succeed."  Provers 15:22

You want more evidence of how God continues to give me glimpses of HIS OVERWHELMING goodness to me?  Just ask - I have more to share.

And that's just where my 'I feel overwhelmed' met HIS overwhelming goodness to me.  His overwhelming Grace.  He keeps meeting my needs - physical, emotional, mental - everything.

We have another appointment with our surgeon today.  We'll discuss a tentative date of surgery for December 1st.  It depends on a few factors/coordinating with other surgeons/having the right stock for reconstruction on hand.

Honestly, it's not the date I was hoping for - my mom is in town and leaves December 5th, so that doesn't exactly maximize my recovery time with her help.  BUT, I'm choosing to not fight it or try to manipulate the date.  He keeps showing me that He has woven all details of this journey together and that He has already chosen the best date for my good and His Glory.  Because there's a bigger story here than just my battle with cancer.  As our pastor said so well, recently, it's about how He chooses to use our good to reveal His Glory.  Doesn't that blow you away?  That He chooses and works for our Good as a way to reveal His Glory.  So I will not fret about the date, but just trust and wait expectantly.

"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of Grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."  Hebrews 4:16

" But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning.  For you have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress.  O my strength, I will sing praises to you, for you, O God, are my fortress, the God who shows me steadfast love."  Psalm 59:16-17

Jigsaw puzzles, lego battles,Veteran's Day and the Giving Keys

Our car is a circus act.  Seriously.  We underestimated the challenge of fitting five car seats in our minivan.  The other night, all five kids were asleep, which means WE should be asleep, too, but we spent about 40 minutes in the garage trying to reconfigure everything.  It's not the best activity to choose when sleep deprived.  :)  We have a temporary solution, but still need to work on a better/workable solution...anyone want to trade a suburban for an Odyssey???  :)

As maddening as it felt, trying to figure out this jigsaw puzzle of car seats, it was somewhat of a welcome break from all the cancer research/appointments/tests/scans/questions/etc.  It just felt so normal to focus on car seats.  So, in a way, I'm thankful for our '2 booster + 2 harnessed car seats + 1 infant seat doesn't really fit in an Odyssey' problem.  It's a normal problem.  I'm a fan of normal right now.

And we have been blessed over and over again with friends dropping off meals, mailing snacks, gifts, passing along research, sending cards and gift cards.  I can't say how encouraging it has been, not to mention so helpful in practical ways.  The other night the kids wanted to have their lego battle with some newly acquired army figures.... and I was able to enjoy the 'battle' because I wasn't preparing dinner, or trying to find more research on line or running out to the store to pick something up.  What I'm trying to say is, the meals and gifts have been more than just meals and gifts...they have given me moments with the kids that I otherwise wouldn't get...and moments that may be limited in the near future.

On Friday, our kids' school had a Veteran's Day ceremony...very well done and topped off by a very cool fly over!  It was a sobering reminder of our friends, some of whom, have sacrificed much.  So much.  And I was reminded to pray for some friends and their relationship.  And we're praying for a little baby boy who is spending his first week in the NICU.  And I know you don't need cancer for the days of parenting littles ones to be hard and take their toll.  And for those friends who are doing it all while their spouse is deployed.  There is so much else to be prayed for than just my cancer.  And so know that I want to pray for you as well.  It's something I can do.

And for news on the cancer front:  we met with two different oncologists (one for chemo and one for radiation) this week and have been in touch with our surgeon trying to figure out a date for surgery.  The good news is that based on the MRI, the official measurement of my tumor is 1.9cm vs the 2.2 cm measurement from the ultrasound.  We won't really know the final size until surgery, but hey, I'll take smaller vs bigger!  :)  From the initial scans and exams, there is no sign that the cancer has spread into my lymph nodes.  They will do a procedure during surgery to officially determine whether or not cancer is in my lymph nodes...if the lab results come back as negative, then we are one huge step in the right direction!  And here is one of the best things I have heard all week:  from the mouth of the last oncologist we saw.  If my tumor is indeed smaller and 2cm, and if the lab results of lymph nodes come back as negative, I could officially be considered Stage 1 vs Stage 2!  This doesn't necessarily change my surgery, but it would be a huge encouragement to be considered Stage 1.

And of course, I promise to keep it real.  I can joke and have so many things to praise God for, but I am also very human and I struggle.  When it comes down to it, I don't want to do surgery, I don't want to do chemo, I don't want to do radiation, I don't want my kids to see me sick, I don't want my kids to see my bald, I don't want to see my body covered in scars with drains sticking out after surgery, I just don't want to have cancer.  But above all those things that I don't want, I DO want to fight this fight well and give God all the Glory.  All the good that comes from this and from my lips is because of God.  I want Him to be revealed in this fight.  I want more than ever before, for my kids to have such a deep foundation in God that when storms come their way, which they will, they will know where their anchor of Hope comes from.  I want you to pray for me in crazy, expectant ways, and be blown away when God answers your prayers.  I want you, my family and friends, to know Him better through this fight.  If I could go to bed and wake up to tell Rich about this crazy dream I had where I was diagnosed with cancer, I would.  But I've been given this fight and I'm going to do my darned best to kick some cancer tail and give God all the Glory.  You better keep me accountable to that!

And speaking of prayer, here are some specific requests we have:
1) figuring out an OR date:  we have to coordinate a few different surgeons and OR time and hope it all lines up to maximize my recovery while my mom is in town.  And I really need to have Raleigh Mae weaned by then.  We are looking at anywhere from the 14th, 17th or 1st or 5th of December.  Trusting God for the right date.

2) that the lab results from my biopsy would come back as negative.  It would give me the option of avoiding radiation (if I opt for a double/bilateral mastectomy).

3) that we have clarity of thought, wisdom and agreement from our doctors on what type of surgery to do - lumpectomy, mastectomy or double mastectomy with reconstruction.  And that when I wake up from surgery, I would have a peace that comes only from God as I see my 'new' body and learn to accept it.  And that we would avoid infections and complications.

4) that I would know how to prepare for recovery after surgery - I will have to wear different clothes, and have very limited movement/use of my arms; it will be a big adjustment and we're thinking through all the ways to prepare for it.

And to end on a positive note, my husband surprised me with a very cool gift today.  It's from a company called The Giving Keys.  It's a necklace with a key on it inscribed with 'blessed'.  Look it up for a better description, but the bottom line is it is a necklace that someday I hope to pass on to someone who may need the encouragement.  and I'll be able to tell them my story of cancer and how we beat it and all the ways that God revealed Himself.

A Good Day

A very good day.

Last Friday we had a very full day of appointments - mammogram, ultrasound and MRI.  I learned a few things... a mammogram machine could be considered a modern day torture device...ok, maybe I exaggerate, but I definitely think it was designed by a guy.  :)  An ultrasound of your armpits is soothingly non eventful.  :)  And I may be just a wee bit claustrophobic (note to self, check that box next time!).

By the grace of God the mammogram went as smooth as possible...I won't get into too many details, but considering I was one week into nursing, it could have been way, way worse, but God is so faithful - even in details regarding lactation.  :)

As I was being moved into the MRI machine I started to panic...it came out of nowhere because I had no idea that I would feel so claustrophobic.  I was laying on my tummy, arms stretched out in front, surrounded by some loud noises...imagine a wonder woman pose moving backwards on a conveyer belt. Maybe it was just the newness of it all or the sensory deprivation, but like I said I started feeling panicky.  I almost hit the tap out button, but did something my mother in law said she did during her MRI for her arm.  I just started singing a hymn.  It's a hymn that has been with me for a long time...from our engagement, through deployment, what I sing to the kids at night...I just started singing it over and over again to myself and prayed to get through the next 40 minutes.

"Come Thou fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing thy praise.  Streams of mercy never ceasing, call for songs of loudest praise."

As I came out of the MRI I joked with the techs that I felt like I should be wearing a cape because of the funny pose I was in..... until I almost fell down when I got up because I got super light headed.  But all in all, it is over.  :)

When I came out to the waiting room I found Rich with Raleigh and our surgeon!  He had come and found Rich to give us an update on more test results.

Here's where it gets really good:  based on the mammogram and ultrasound, the cancer has NOT spread.  Yep, yep - one big hurray!  And the 'markers' of my labs came back as HER - (her negative)...between HER negative and positive, negative is a good thing.  Another BIG hurray!  That was all SUCH GREAT NEWS.  And SO encouraging.  It felt good to just rest in the good news.

As I mentioned a few posts back, I also want to keep things real and be as transparent as possible so everyone knows that any strength and encouragement I have comes from God and God only.  I can take zero credit for any goodness.

In the middle of the night when I was feeding Raleigh and the whole house was quiet, a new feeling came over me.  Sadness.  I wasn't mad or afraid.  Just sad.  Because I know that this battle will take a toll.  It will physically take parts of my body in a very real way.  If we do chemo/radiation, it will take a toll on my family and friends.  I will lose moments with the kids, friends, family....and I don't have to mention that Thanksgiving and Christmas are right around the corner.  Will I be curled up in the corner or in my bed with my head covered in a bandana only having the energy to watch my family?  Yes, this battle will not be easy.  And so I had a few moments of sadness.

BUT, God promises to bring beauty from ashes.  He promises to restore the years the locusts have eaten.  In Hebrews 10, I am reminded that Christ, when He died for my sins, made access to God a very real and personal relationship.  And because He has already paved the way, I can  - am supposed to - approach Him with confidence that He hears me.  I can ask and know that He does not shoo me away or ignore me or minimize what I feel.  He hears me and desires my good and His Glory.

Today we meet with the oncologist where we will discuss options regarding chemo.  I am not thrilled.  at all.  I am a bit apprehensive.  But as a dear friend reminded me, (Matthew 6:8) He already knows what we need before we even ask.  That's pretty cool.

In Awe

First things first:  Praise God for a healthy baby and delivery!

Raleigh Mae Hartney was born October 24th, 2014, 1:14 p.m., weighing 6 lbs, 12.8 oz.  :)  She is perfect.  Such a gift.  

I had zero complications and am leaps and bounds ahead of where I was after the last two births.  Thank you for your prayers.  We are so grateful that I came home with no transfusions - thank you, but you can keep the blood 'cause this momma don't need it!  

It's been almost a week of soaking her in while my head swirls with countless doctor's names, numbers, titles and appointments.  With everything we're trying to keep track of Rich made a wise suggestion to compile a 'cancer binder'.  Which was a fun distraction because, of course, I want to make it look pretty.  :)  

Thank you, everyone - family and friends - for all your encouragement and words of scripture and reminders that we are not in this alone.  I'm blown away by the gifts (yes, folks sent Halloween costumes for the kiddos - AWESOME!), meals, countless offers to help, texts just to 'check in' and generosity.  Geesh, you'd think I just told you I had cancer or something..... oh yeah.  I do.  

And as a friend put it, the reality of everything hits me in waves.  Raleigh has been such a sweet distraction from everything else - from having to take a break from researching/scheduling/coordinating to feed her or funny things like being so relieved to get through parent teacher conferences without cabbage leaves falling out of my shirt ( consider yourself lucky if you don't know what this means).  I had some quiet moments in the shower the other day and just found myself asking God, 'please, let me live to see my children's children....and their children.  Please, Lord.'  I was reminded that even though I have this diagnosis, it doesn't change who my Creator is one bit.  He has always been, is and always will be the One who knit me in my mother's womb, and at the same time commands the heavens and earth.  So, even in the moments when I feel like I am 'walking through the valley of the shadow of death', I do not have to fear.  He is our strength and shield and help in times of trouble.  

His mercies are new every morning.  Today we had the first of a series of appointments with a geneticist.  The doc was really great - she took her time explaining everything while I took notes.  This was good because when you first walk into an oncology clinic and are surrounded by dozens of mannequin heads with wigs and bandanas it feels a bit surreal (by the way, if I have to shave my head I'm going to color it something funky first....taking votes - blonde, deep red or light brown??? :)).  And then I'm snapped back into reality as Raleigh has her first blow out and Rich and I are teaming up to get her cleaned up....actually, I just handed Rich the wipes. He did the dirty work.  And is it just not ironic to be breastfeeding, too??  The doc set up the genetic test for me right after our appointment which is a huge praise - it's a week earlier than was originally scheduled!  And the biggest joy was seeing what a breath of fresh air Raleigh brought to the clinic.  This little bundle of perfect, fresh, life in the midst of cancer patients.  The staff just ogled over her.  We've been on the receiving end of so much goodness - it felt good to bring something good to others.     

Tomorrow we have a busy day of mammogram, ultrasound and MRI...some will understand what I mean when I say it is going to be tricky due to the fact that I'm nursing.  But I just have to rely on God to get us through...I keep trying to come up with a timeline of feedings or how to work around the issue of being very full of milk and all these exams, but I'm just taking a deep breath and trusting God to get us through it.  

In the meantime, here are a few pics of our new addition.  God is good.  

Just for fun - mustache day at school!

The biggest and littlest sis

                                                          Dad with his hands full.  :)                        

Cancer

I have Stage 2 Breast Cancer.

Whew.  It takes a bit of getting used to to say/write that.  My apologies for having to be so blunt, but I don't think there is an 'unblunt' way to say it.

I had a biopsy done last week and we received results a couple days ago that confirmed what doctors initially thought.  It has been a roller coaster of events the past week or two, but getting results and knowing a diagnosis is somewhat of a reprieve from all the unknowns/attempts at planning future events.

I know sometimes it helps to have details to process news like this so here is a rundown....

Let me start by rewinding a bit:  A couple weeks ago I had a routine appointment to check on the baby...nothing was too out of the ordinary except the measurements were slightly small, so my OB referred me for an ultrasound just to be safe.  I also mentioned a lump I had noticed so she put in a referral for that as well.

At my appointment for the baby on Friday, the tech asked if I just wanted to do the scan for the lump as well (that appointment was originally a week later) and of course I said yes since I was already there and had childcare.  After that scan the doc said in his opinion it was likely cancer, but a biopsy would be needed to confirm anything.  At this point, things started moving quickly.  He conferred with my OB and surgeon and everyone agreed that it was best to get baby delivered in order to let me have maximum recovery prior to potential surgery/treatment.  So, 48 hours later, friends rallied with prayer and fasting, childcare, meals, my mother in law booked a flight and we were at the hospital being induced on a Sunday morning.....

You would think we would then come home with a baby in our arms....we did come home with a baby...still inside.  After two rounds of meds my body was contracting, but not responding enough so based on the doctor's opinion (different doctor was on call) we called it off and came home.  I had complications on the last delivery so there was concern regarding pounding my body with another round of meds and we decided to give my body more time to delivery as naturally as possible.

Tuesday afternoon the little girls were napping, my mother in law was resting and I was prepping some food in the kitchen.  That's when I received the phone call with a positive diagnosis of invasive breast cancer.  On Wednesday we had appts with the OB and surgeon and here we are on Thursday, processing through it all.

Praises:
1) The scan, results and meeting with our surgeon has happened about a week faster than we initially thought.  The radiologist requested results to be expedited and the surgeon moved up our appointment from Friday to Wednesday.  If you are like me, once there is a 'likely' diagnosis for something, you just want to know and get the uncertainty/waiting over with.  God has been faithful in the timing of all the events.

2) Even though the induction did not go as anticipated, I know it helped get my body closer to ready for delivery and it was a good warm up for the real deal (I'm still a bit gun shy of labor and birth based on our last experience!).

3) God was SO gracious in the timing of receiving the diagnosis.  The timing could not have been more perfectly orchestrated.  After I was told I had cancer I walked outside for some fresh air, and had the privacy and space I needed to process everything.  I needed the space.  It's how I'm wired.  It would have been so much harder for me to handle it in front of the kids, at the grocery store, school, lessons, etc.  I needed that solitary time.

4) Our appointment with the surgeon could not have gone better (aside from him saying, whoops, we read your results wrong, just kidding, not cancer :)).  He was compassionate yet very professional, taking time to answer all our questions and being very thorough.  Turns out he is also a grad and guess what?  We have mutual friends/acquaintances.  And best of all, he is a believer and his wife was saved in Young Life.  Wow.  My biggest apprehension before meeting with the surgeon was that he would treat me like another number and body waiting to be sliced up...but we felt so comfortable after our meeting.

5) Additional tests need to be done to figure out the best course of treatment:  lumpectomy/masectomy, radiation/chemo, etc.  The main test we need to wait on takes about three weeks to complete so that gives me THREE weeks to nurse.  This is a gift.  I had already been grieving that I would not be able to nurse or have time to bond with baby, but three weeks is more than I had thought.  And my mom was already scheduled to be here the same week I am scheduled for some type of surgery.  God is good.

6) There are so many more praises that I know I'm forgetting, but it is by the sheer grace of God that we haven't unraveled.  :)  Truly, I feel hope and joy and am SO amazed by the mercies that God continues to reveal to us.

All that said, I want to be transparent and not pretend like having cancer is a bed of roses.  So, here are a few of my 'keeping it reals'.

1)  Rich came home after I called him with the diagnosis and he found me curled up on our bed.  That's when I had my hearty I-don't-know-when-I'll-stop-crying-I-can-hardly-catch-my-breath sob.  I haven't been skipping through this - it is scary, it is overwhelming and it's still so surreal.

2)  Most likely I will not be able to nurse for any longer past the surgery.  At least that is what I'm braced for.  Now I don't necessarily LOVE nursing... but I have always appreciated being able to nurse and let my body provide what the baby needs for the first year.  Guilt for not being able to do this lingers.

3)  Between having a baby in the next couple days (if the baby does not come on his/her own today, I am scheduled for induction on Friday) and all the extra tests, exams and future breast surgery of some sort, I feel a bit like a rag doll, exposed.  Not much of my body seems to belong to me at this point.  But then I remember Christ died on the cross, physically abused and exposed with no dignity.  He knows how I feel.

4)  I have to fight the nagging feeling of guilt....for putting my family and friends through this.  For the worry that I know it causes and extra work for all those helping us.  But guilt is not from Him so I am fighting the feelings of guilt with gratitude for an unbelievably supportive community of our family and friends.  It is humbling to know that folks are interceding for us and praying for us.

5) umm...halloween is just around the corner, I don't have kids costumes together yet and bucket loads of sugar will inevitably make it's way into our house.... and most research recommends a sugar free diet for helping fight cancer.  It's kind of like my kryptonite, I guess.  But I need to remember that my kids DON'T have cancer and I can't freak out over every single thing they eat right now.  I am adjusting my diet because I am the one with cancer.  But how I love twix.......

Prayer Requests:  In order to give me maximum recovery time, we are scheduled for induction on Friday, but I would LOVE for the baby to make it's own appearance before then (yep...that's less than 24 hours from now...).  After my last delivery I had a severe hemorrhage and required four transfusions, so my past history with delivery isn't great.... we covet prayers for most importantly a healthy baby and healthy delivery so that I can be ready for future surgery/treatment.

I apologize again that this post was so matter of fact/clinical, but it's the best way I can get the story and facts told.  I know folks have been praying for us fervently and I hope these details help.

God is good.  Our circumstances do not change His nature.  Instead, His goodness and faithfulness gives us Hope and promise through the circumstances.  I hope that makes sense.  He never promised an easy life.  But He has promised over and over again in the bible that He will never leave or forsake us...even if we feel like we are walking through the valley of the shadow of death...He will sustain us.  He is my shield and hears our prayers.

I know the road ahead is going to be long and at times, not pretty, but I know He will never leave me.  All good things comes from Him.  All glory to Him and Him only.

Here's to future posts of baby and more funny things.  :)

Oh, and we STILL haven't settled on names yet, so you've got less than 24 hours to make any suggestsions!  :)

Transitions and His Severe Mercy

Sometimes it feels like life is a never ending series of transitions.  And to be candid, I, in general, do not like transitions.  It means moving out of my comfort zone, into something new and often times, it's not when or where or how I would have liked to transition!  With one exception so far - going from single to newlywed - that was a fun transition.  But since then, transitions like new jobs, changing jobs, moving (again and again and again), having kids (you bet I'm going to expand on that! :)), saying good bye to good friends, making new friends, going back and forth between parenting with a spouse to flying solo, school (homeschool and public school), kids changing grades, etc...the list can go on.   And sometimes those transitions happen back to back and it can be overwhelming, exciting and sad all at the same time and your husband wonders why in the world you just broke down in tears because he made pancakes instead of waffles on saturday morning.  O.Y. V.A.Y.  (Truly, my husband makes yummy pancakes!).

But the biggest transition I can think of has been going from a Company Commander to a stay at home mom.  Now, let me be clear:  that is an understatement.  A BIG understatement.  And it's a transition that I'm not sure I've conquered yet (yes, it's been six years....progress seems slow at times).  Though I think any transition from 'former life' to 'mom' can be tough. period.

I was sitting in a room full of moms yesterday and we were made to think about how to view our roles as moms with significance.  This may seem simple at first.  Or difficult?  I couldn't decide.  On one hand, by the Grace of God, I keep my kids alive on a daily basis.  So, yes, I matter.  On the other hand, I've had endless moments wondering if everything I 'gave up' was worth it to stay home and change diapers, wipe noses, clean up (again), cook (again) all while the distance between me and the 'work force' grew wider and wider and the brain cells I had seem to be fewer and fewer ( I was confronted with that reality when I 'discovered' a dirty diaper I had somehow put in the FRIDGE and realized the most stimulating conversation I had one day was about how fairy wings grow.  Anyone????).


I'm sure that a psychologist might attribute some of my doubts to the fact that I did not grow up with a stay at home mom.  And I still went to college.  Got married.  And had kids.  So, if I can do that without a parent that could stay home (I'm not criticizing my parents nor do I resent the reality that both my parents had to work to make ends meet) then does it really matter that I choose to stay at home with my kids?  And by the way, it's hard.  For me, at least.  I have not cruised through motherhood.  For me, the equation of 'you turn out 'fine' even if neither parent is home' + 'this is a hard job!'= having doubts about the significance of what I do.

And here is where I have been given Grace to realize His Severe Mercy for me (if you haven't read a Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken, put it on your list!):  the hardest part of this transition to motherhood has been His refining work in me.  In His Mercy, He guides me through this transition (which can be different for everyone - stay at home mom, working mom, single mom/parent, grandparent ,etc). for My Good and His Glory.  

In my former DINK life, I was proud of my job and for the most part enjoyed it.  I served our country.  A country that gave my parents amazing opportunities to pursue happiness and opportunities for their only child that wasn't available in their birth country.  And I did volunteer work.  In short, I considered my life to be 'good', full of 'good works' and I was happy with it.  When I became a mom, I realized that though my former job had selfless aspects to it, it was 'me-centered'.  God, in His Severe Mercy, showed me how unaware I had been of my self centeredness.  Only now do I see how the biggest (sometimes unwanted) transition of my life thus far has been merciful.  And so yes, it IS significant.

Something else that makes me doubt my significance as a mom (other than the lack of pay check, rank, ratings, raise, etc.) is what I mentioned earlier.  It can be a tough job.  And sometimes I fall flat on my face.  One of the strengths that I'm thankful for is that I am a good shot (I know, this seems so unrelated to parenting skills, right???).  I can qualify expert on several types of weapons (yes, again, such a useless skill currently).  But I used to be terrible.  Horrible.  Like I could barely hit the target (actually, I could barely SEE the target thanks to all the gear we had to wear).  I dreaded going to the range in hopes that I would 'qualify'.  I even had to go back as a repeat failure a couple times.  Then, one day, for whatever reason, it just clicked and I qualified as an expert (EVERYONE was suprised. :)).  And now I love shooting.  All that to say, just because the job of parenting may be hard, it doesn't mean we aren't doing a good job.  Most newfound skills start off as hard.  Unless you're Chuck Norris.  I digress.

Anyway, here's to transitions and finding a way to embrace them!

How to Fight

Like so many others, my heart and mind keep thinking of the Christians, both big and small, being persecuted on the other side of the world.  It's beyond comprehension to think of the terrors that so many are facing for a faith that I practice and proclaim with such freedom from my little corner of the world.  It's not ironic, it's tragic.  And my first response when I started reading reports of the atrocities, was 'let me back in the fight somehow, Lord!'.  If I could, if there was a way, I'd go back in a heartbeat to help fight.  It's hard to believe that almost ten years ago, I was on the ground in Iraq, living a very different life.  I thought that situation was bad back then.  I had no idea how much worse it would be a decade later.  And I keep thinking of them....wondering if they have survived.  

And then I started questioning so many things that currently consume my energy and time on a minute by minute basis.  I actually started resenting and feeling so 'bothered' by the little hands and noses that I had to wipe, the little tummies that needed to be filled with food, the little bodies that required some sunscreen because we have the privilege of going to a pool, all the water bottles that need to filled with clean water that flows freely in our home, the seemingly gazillion shoes that I seem to be constantly tripping over (because of course we have crocs for the pool and sand, gym shoes for running around and a couple 'nice ' shoes for church).  It all kind of seems a bit ridiculous when others are just hoping to take their next breath.   

Even if there was a way to return to help and fight for those being persecuted, this big 'ol swollen, third trimester belly would make me a hindrance rather than helpful.  And then I started questioning God on what in the world I had gotten myself into.  I've always daydreamed of a second career as a first responder - firefighter, rescue diver, smoke jumper, ER/trauma doc, paramedic, heck - even someone that would stop and give CPR to someone dying on the side of the road.  In the back of my mind, there was this creeping thought that I'm not where I'm supposed to be (literally and figuratively) and somewhere along the way I chose the wrong path.  

But God is ever so gracious - in my questioning and doubts He gently reminded me that He is Sovereign.  Always has been.  Is.  and Always will be.    

He reminded me through another (much wiser) friend's post that "He sees and He will make this right." Just as He rescued His people in Exodus 14:27-28, He will rescue again.  

He reminded me that prayer is not to be underestimated.  I had to hear that CLEARLY from Him as I felt useless praying while washing my sink of dirty dishes that had been used to serve good, healthy food to my kids.  After returning from Iraq, a precious friend and family member shared with me that she was woken in the middle of the night and just felt a strong urge to pray for me.  And as she was talking to her mom the next day, turns out the same thing happened to her mom.  Two different people, two different homes,  at the same time felt the urge to pray for me on the other side of the world.  That's no coincidence.  Only in heaven will I know what I was protected/spared from that day.  And so I will pray.  and pray.  and pray.  and my kids have started to pray, too.  

He reminded me that though my heart longs to help those on the other side of the world, He has not made a mistake in placing me where I am.  While my husband is away (but we're in the homestretch!!!!!), I, by the GRACE OF GOD, have been the sole everything for our kids.   And this job, that kicks my butt on a daily basis, is not to be taken lightly because in the midst of all the mundane, day to day tasks, this is a job about raising eternal souls who are sons and daughters of the one true KING.  (If our kids each get married, that's our kiddos x 2, which to me seems like a lot of folks to be building a heritage for!)  Regardless of a fire down the road or tragedy across the world, He has placed me where I am and my only task is to be faithful to the job given me.  He asks nothing more and nothing less and provides abundant grace for the job at hand.  

And wouldn't the enemy love it if I just quit praying and gave up on my job of raising souls?????  You betcha.  

So, I will be faithful in my current job and continue to pray.  I'm not fighting with weapons and fancy technology this time...but He is far more powerful.

For those that are in the fight, literally, we will fight the best way we know how: with prayer.  God speed.