SWW

I'll get to SWW in a bit....disclaimer up front:  it is not something I made up... I'm quoting an author who I will introduce in a bit....

This summer I had an awesome opportunity to spend some time with precious girlfriends who I consider to be 'soul friends'.  I brought up a question that had been on my mind for a few weeks and they were the perfect group to ask....because they've been there for me in some of my hardest moments and I trust them to the core.  I told them that I was beginning to wonder if I was a feminist.

I know the word brings up a broad range of ideas and phrases to mind.... "I am woman hear me roar"..."break the glass ceiling"..."have to be better than men"...." independent"..."tough"..."difficult".... and some embrace it and some cringe at it.

To be very frank, I have never considered myself to be a feminist - in terms of trying to prove that I am better than the next man.  But throughout my adult life, I have become more and more aware of the discomfort I have in the fact that some might consider me to be a feminist.  Because I can tend to be outspoken, I usually don't take no for an answer, I feel more at home at a shooting range than at a tea party, and when I think of the book Love and Respect (which describes the different love languages for women and men), I would often rather choose Respect.  I am fascinated by the fact that after Jesus' resurrection, he first appeared to women.  I love reading example after example of how Jesus elevated women to a position of respect vs property.  Of how he encouraged Mary as she sat as a student at his feet versus tend to duties in the kitchen.  Of how he never condemned women, even when they were caught in adultery, but instead restored their dignity.  And it's all of this that gave me a mini identity crisis, wondering if I was a feminist, because sometimes I feel like I don't fit in with the church.

Let me back up a moment and clarify something:  I find nothing wrong with being soft spoken, sitting down to a tea party, or choosing Love vs Respect.  Absolutely nothing wrong.  In fact, I admire so many of those qualities.  But I have so often felt uncomfortably different.  And sometimes feel like something is wrong with me.

Until this weekend.

When I listened to a podcast and learned about SWW.  Strong Willed Women.  It was a podcast with Cynthia Tobias, and I almost discounted it..... until I started to hear what she was saying and I was completely tuned in.  As I continued to listen to the podcast I started saying 'yes!', 'exactly!', 'totally!', 'that's me!', 'she's spot on!'.  I listened to it twice and then played it for my husband.  I don't think I could summarize her interview and do her justice so I'll include a few quotes from the transcript below:

"One of the things I love about being a strong-willed woman, I want to work shoulder to shoulder with men. I don't want to put them down or to put myself up or to have special privileges. I want to work side by side in a collaborative method, using complementary strengths. So, it's not in any way a feminist position. It's not a position that says, okay, women are better. It's saying we are collaborating. We are mutually respectful."

"Well, and the first step is just to recognize, awareness of I am a strong-willed person and I know I don't always use it appropriately. And I come to God. I talk about in the King James Version in Corinthians where it says, I want every thought to come into captivity to Christ.

I want that for myself as the strong-willed woman. And I want to make sure that my life aligns with Christ. And let's just be honest for a minute. In churches and in women's ministries, the strong-willed woman is not always present, because we're not gonna go do arts and crafts on a Thursday night women's ministry."

"But most strong-willed women will tell you that we don't necessarily feel as welcome in a church as we do on the job, for example. We could be a CEO of a large organization and be really valued for our leadership. But then at the church it doesn't translate.

And so, this book is meant to open conversations like that, meant to open the conversation and say, "Where are the strong-willed women that we need praying for us? Where are the strong-willed women that we need coming alongside us for support? Are we reaching out to them?"  (Podcast)    (Cynthia's Website)  Her Book, A Woman of Strength and Purpose. 

I feel like someone finally came alongside me and whispered "you are just FINE".  "Nothin' wrong with you hun."  I feel like I have so much freedom in being me.  Because that's how God made ME.  My strong will still definitely needs to be honed to use discretion in my speech, graciousness in my actions and gentleness with others, but I FINALLY feel freedom in knowing that not despite my strong will, but through my strong will, I can bring Glory to God.

Y'all, as I write this I realize that I may be light years behind so many who have already recognized this and are totally at peace with being a SWW, but hallelujah, it feels SO good to embrace who I was made to be!

These race cars were set up in the parking lot of our church for Father's Day.... my husband was out of town so I gladly took advantage of this!  One of my dreams is to drive a race car.  :)  

Several of my kids have had some crazy hair....I'm starting to think this type of hair might be a reflection of offspring from strong willed women.  

Enough is Enough and to Hell with Shame

I have an idea that has been brewing for a little while...something I am passionate about and involves interviewing some people who have gone through extraordinary things.  I've been asking a few folks to pray about it and help me sort out whether this is just a 'good idea' or a 'God idea'.

Just when I start feeling like I have a green light for this project, I completely undermine myself.  On Monday morning we had a meeting for parents who want to help plan the end of year party for the first graders.  Of course it's a morning that is more hectic than usual with extra shoe tying, a toddler who INSISTS on walking vs being carried and an extra messy house/kitchen left in the wake of getting kids out the door.  At the end of the meeting, a mom I have never met before innocently mentions the idea of prizes for the games, and without skipping a beat, I blurt out something to the effect of 'those things just come in my door and go straight in the trash anyway....besides isn't the party enough?'  Hours later, my conscience finally catches up with me and I realize how I completely lost my filter of Grace when I blurted out my opinion....and the worst part is I don't even know who the mom is so that I can find her and apologize for my lack of tact.  And y'all.  For the rest of day I felt terrible about it.  Really, really terrible.  And then I recognized the name of this feeling.  It is shame.  I was ashamed of how I reacted so quickly without pausing to give that woman a chance to put a period on the end of her sentence.

And shame for me runs deep.  And it is no coincidence that I just started hearing about a new book by Christine Caine, called Unashamed.  Her story is incredible and I am looking forward to reading her book soon.

This feeling of shame has deep, deep roots and I can already tell it is threatening to rear it's ugly head as we head into our next move (which may be in three months of six months!).  I'm wrestling with how to meet and make new friends, genuine new relationships....all while I explain that I was diagnosed with cancer in 2014.  How in the world do you casually include that in an intro conversation without making the other person feel awkward?  How do I navigate explaining what our story has been without making cancer THE story.  How do I explain the whole story of God while getting over my embarrassment and shame about cancer? How do I navigate the path of making new friends with a hard past?  And even harder than that, how do I explain that even with a cancer diagnosis in 2014, the scariest part of 2016 wasn't cancer?

The scariest part of 2016 so far for me has been watching my 5 yr old get on the school bus by herself.  Due to logistics of a napping toddler, and two older kids in school, the bus was our best option.  But it was something I had to first confide in some friends about and then ask for prayer.  This is where I have summoned up every inkling of courage I have to share my biggest fear so far in 2016.  And I'm doing this because enough is enough.  Shame has no place in our story and yet, it threatens to unravel me at the most unexpected times.  And I think one way to conquer shame is to air it out in the light so that it can no longer whisper it's lies in the dark.

My shame is that when I was a child, I was touched inappropriately by a family friend on Christmas morning when he was watching me while my parents had to work.  By the grace of God, it happened once, but that one time, was enough to affect my self image and how I parent - especially as a parent of four girls.  That one time was enough to bring me to tears in deciding whether or not to let my 5 yr old girl ride the bus to school because the bus driver was a man (and good grief - why, oh why, does he have to have a mustache?????  My son is never allowed to have a mustache.  Sorry if that offends those who have mustaches).  That one time was enough to stir up feelings of anger when I get stared at because of my ethnicity or just because of my kids.  That one time is enough to make me cringe when I hear my voice in a recording, or see myself on video.  That one time was enough.  And Christ says enough.  His blood for me on the Cross is enough.  I will make silly mistakes and my behavior will not always be perfect, but He is enough for me.    


So, enough is enough.  Shame has a way of making me feel like a fraud when I am trying to get to know other people in a true and genuine way.  Because shame says eventually they will find out my secrets and realize I am unworthy of their friendship.  Enough is Enough.  Because He says I am Enough to be called a daughter of the One True King.  

I'm sharing this for the person who struggles with their own shame.  May you know that He has paid the price for all your darkest fears and shame and He calls you WORTHY and ENOUGH.  He has called us out of the darkness and into the light.  It's time to say enough is enough and to Hell with Shame.      

The Offensive.

It has been a week.  And it came on the heels of several weeks of having at least one sick kid (cause they never all get sick at the same time.....they take turns.....and s.t.r.i.n.g. it oooouuuutttttt over several weeks).  And broken cars (one is completely my fault and another was just an accident).

My daughter pointed this out to me (on the way to school, of course!).  My first thought was 'hmm....yup.  that's kind of how I feel right now.  I can totally identify with you, tire.'  

But this week also included the exciting news of promotions (which also means we know where we are most likely moving next!), a nerve wracking t.v. interview and rocks....lots of rocks (the rocks will make it in another post :)).

And of course in the middle of all this, God manages (I say that as if I should be surprised?) to weave together His indelible truths in my heart.

A few weeks ago I read about Lot and his incredible rescue by the angels (Genesis 19), as they literally pluck him out of an angry mob and save him just in time as the rest of the city is destroyed.  The story got my adrenaline pumping( - go read it - it's an incredible rescue mission) and then I read to the end which includes Lot eventually fathering his own grandsons, which I thought was not the most glamorous ending (after such a dramatic rescue!).  And it just made me think... 'was that kind of a waste of being saved?'  God promptly turned that around on me and asked 'are you wasting what I've given you?  Are you living out your purpose? You've been given MUCH and with that comes MUCH responsibility.'

And, as everyone knows, the promotion lists came out this week.  And we are so incredibly thankful and humbled to be on the list.  But it is A.L.L. GOD.  Every good thing comes from Him.  Yes, my husband happens to be super duper smart (hello? who gets a perfect math SAT score AND has a master's in English???  seriously. imagine living with that. :)).  But that super duper smartness is from GOD.  I just want to settle that one loud and clear.  And with the promotion comes the next move and job and of course more pay....which immediately made me think of the best way to use the resources He gives us....in other words, with the extra resources comes extra responsibility to use it well and for His Glory.   But the responsibility would have been the same even if his name wasn't on the list because we believe God's hand would have been in that, even in the disappointment.

This always comes full circle with cancer.  I've been given a second chance.  I am feeling better than I could have imagined a year ago.  And what am I going to do with it?  Will I be one of the nine lepers who went on their way and forgot about Jesus after being healed or will I remember to be that one who turns around and remembers to thank Jesus?  Continually.

Which brings me to the title of this post.  All these truths were being woven together in my mind, but it has been a long week and to be quite frank, I just wanted to retreat.  Let me be clear here - I don't mean retreat in the sense of restoration, rejuvenation, revitalizing, regenerating, rest - those are good things.  I mean retreat as in 'slink back', 'run away', 'surrender', 'throw up my hands', 'crawl into a bubble'.  Literally.  Here's a copy of the text I sent to my husband after having wrestled my almost 18 month old through a grocery store with one arm because she just lost it after she couldn't carry a bag of tangerines to the checkout aisle.

The first text is my husband....Yes, I have one of THOSE.  An amazing husband who doesn't hesitate to give me some relief!

And as I mentioned earlier I had a t.v. interview to do for a project I am helping coordinate for our kids' school.  To say I was NERVOUS is a HUGE understatement.  I was a nervous wreck.  I absolutely cringe when I see or hear myself on t.v./any recording.  I just feel so much pressure to look/be/act perfect because, my goodness, everyone will see me and they just might realize that the hair, make up, clothes and good posture (I managed to sit up straight for once!) are all just a fraud compared to the mom inside who is tired, overwhelmed, fearful and not sure if she is 'liked'.  Can anyone identify with this??  (By the way, a little plug here for my amazing friend, Michelle, who is an image consultant and answered my gazillion questions of what to wear!  check her out here at darlignbydesign.)  Of course, the morning of the interview my little one decided that she was not going to cooperate and let the world know that teething really does hurt.     

Talk about being pulled outside my comfort zone...t.v. interview + miserable baby= nervous and cranky momma.  

But isn't it just like God to sweetly encourage me and remind me that 'retreating' is not His way?  Right when that is all I feel like doing?  A sweet friend (who definitely has the gift of ENCOURAGEMENT and her words make me blush!) told me about a new book by Priscilla Shirer called Fervent .  I read the preview provided by Amazon and it lit a fire in me.  Priscilla draws our attention back to the battle waging around us.  The unseen battle (remember the warrior angel I saw?  It is a battle friends...not just a friendly game of a thumb war) which includes an enemy who desires to see us retreat.  Who loves it when we give in to fear.  Who strategizes to undermine our best and distract us from the bigger mission at stake.  The bigger picture of living out our God given purposes while we still have breath on this earth.  Who wants us to doubt that we are seen and known and even LIKED by the Creator of the Universe.  He, the enemy, wants nothing more than to see us retreat.  But we already have the victory.  And we get to be a part of how it plays out, by the Grace of God.

It's never the wrong time to have a battle plan!

So, I don't know where this week has left you or where you are on the battlefield.  Maybe you're in the trenches and just want to shut your eyes and curl into a ball....or maybe just ssslllleeeepppp (hello, exhausted parents of littles!).  Or maybe you are already out there, kicking tail and doing battle with the enemy and paving a path for those of us who just need a little break so we can dust ourselves off and get back in the fight.  Either way, I am thankful for the reminder that we are in a battle that has already been WON.  We just get to choose how to take part in that victory.  It's time to be on offense.

Y'all may have seen this already, but you can never laugh too much or take yourself  too seriously, right? :)  

War Wounds, War Stories and Maybes.

This is one of those blogs that I've hesitated to write about multiple times, but I can't seem to get it out of my head and circumstances compel me to just go ahead and write the darn thing.  One thing I really dislike about public posts is that it leaves room for misunderstanding and judgement.  I'll make my disclaimer up front:  I have no intention of making anyone feel judged; in fact, my intent is the opposite....to offer encouragement for those who have experienced suffering or are walking through the fire right now.

Recently, I have heard of so many tough situations, much tragedy and plain ol' heartbreak.  A young lady who gets cancer in her 20's, a young family losing their much too young daddy, a couple losing their 12 year old daughter and only child, a young mom getting cancer, another mom receiving a stage 4 cancer diagnosis, a couple with a stillborn child.  Sometimes the heartbreak seems overwhelming.

I don't mean to be the bearer of only bad news.  There is much goodness in our lives, too.  Much to give thanks and praise Him for!  Yet, in the midst of all the good, how do we process the tough?  The suffering?  The trials?

Sometimes the scars bother me.  I mean, couldn't our sovereign God remove them?  Let us walk through the fire, complete the trial and then couldn't He just wave His proverbial magic wand and wipe away all evidence of the fight?  I found myself asking God, what's the point of all these scars?  Who needs them in heaven???  In all honesty, the scars don't bother me every day.  But on the days when I hear of heartbreak and then see the scars on my body, it almost feels like a punch to the gut of a permanent mark that won't go away.

And that's just physical scars.  What about the scars no one can see?  The young wife who bears the scar of being a much too young widow?  The family who bears the scar of being childless much too soon.  The kids, big and small, who bear the title of orphan.

And that's when this image came to mind  (Here's another disclaimer:  I am not claiming that any of this is theologically correct!  It's just the vision that came to mind):

I imagine that when we get to heaven, we may very well still bear our scars.  And while we will be consumed with declaring 'Holy, Holy Holy' in awesome reverence, I believe there will be another scene unfolding.  There will be other saints who welcome us and cheer for us and crowd around us.  There will be phrases like 'hey, look who made it!'  'welcome home!'  'well done!'  And then different saints will step forward and speak up on our behalf.  Instead of our scars being hidden they will point out the scars and say 'look at this one everyone.  This scar - whew.  what a story.  This one.  He lost his child and it broke his heart.  That's what that crack is.  But He never stopped believing in Him.  In fact, He let God use the crack in his heart to further God's Kingdom.  Geesh!  What a scar.  What a story.'   And then maybe in the midst of that, is when God says 'well done, good and faithful servant'.

Maybe this is a tiny glimpse of why we continue to fight the tough fights, why we hand our broken hearts to God and let Him use it for Glory instead of keeping the broken pieces to ourselves.  Maybe that's why we let our scars speak the story of His Grace and Redemption instead of hiding them.  Maybe that's another dimension of Matthew 5:10 that says "blessed are those who suffer for righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of God."  Maybe that's why your suffering is not in vain.  Maybe that's what Romans 5:3, James 1:12, James 5:11 and 1 Peter 1:6 are all talking about.

Just maybe.    

Pick Up Your Mat and Walk

It's always convicting when God speaks to you through two totally different passages, both which you have read many times before without ever making the connection.  Isn't this what it means for 'the scriptures to be alive'?

Well, I am not a trained theologian or philosopher, so when God reveals something clearly to me, I always feel compelled to share.

This past week, one of our Young Life leaders spoke on the passage in Mark 2, where the four friends lower their paralyzed friend through a roof in order to get closer to Jesus, in hopes of him being healed.  Honestly, I've always identified myself with one of the four friends....you know, the ones who weren't paralyzed, but rather, were strong enough to carry their friend to the home where Jesus was preaching, strong enough to climb a roof with their friend on a stretcher, and then again, strong enough to lower their friend down with ropes.  Instead, this time, God gave me such a clear picture of seeing myself as the paralytic.  The helpless one who relied wholly on the help of friends and was completely at the mercy of Jesus.  That'll keep ya humble.  :)

And then I noted something else in the passage.  Or rather something else that wasn't in the passage. Jesus tells the man that his sins are forgiven, and then tells him to pick up his mat and walk.  Yet, he never actually says "you are healed".  I would never have noticed this detail if it weren't for where I have been wrestling with God lately.

See, it's been just under a year and a half since my diagnosis and fight with cancer.  We have one clean scan under our belts with more to come.  And in the meantime, I struggle, almost daily with fear.  And it shows up at the most inopportune times.  Here is the most common place it shows up:  I have the post 9-11 GI Bill which provides 36 months of paid school.  So I am trying to figure out what to pursue (medical degree/functional medicine), how to pursue (on line vs on campus) and where to pursue it (depends on where we move next!) and when to pursue it (now vs after we move, after all kids are in school, etc.).  And sure, those are a lot of decisions to think through, but the number one nagging thought that comes to mind is 'what if cancer returns and I ended up wasting time and money on something that will never come true?'   Oh, the fear.  It's roots run deeper than I realize sometimes. It's like a nasty weed that seems to constantly undermine hopes for a future.  And I've asked God (I know how funny this sounds) to just give me a 'thumbs up'/'go ahead'/'green light' or heck, just to hear him say the words 'you are healed'.

Then I read another seemingly  unrelated passage this morning from Luke 5, when Jesus calls the first disciples, including Simon.  Jesus instructs Simon to cast his net into a certain area (note, this is after Simon had cleaned his nets from fishing all night) and here is Simon's response "Master, we toiled all night and took nothing!  But at your word I will let down the nets."  Did you see it?  His doubt and obedience?  After Peter obeys, and catches a large number of fish, and repents, Jesus responds with such grace and mercy as he says "Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching men."  There was no rebuke of Simon's disbelief....just tender mercy in how Jesus teaches him to add belief to his obedience.

So, there it is.  I guess it's time to get my 'big girl pants on' and just obey.  I was in a functional medicine forum earlier this week and when I got home I told Rich 'I totally felt at place in that forum....it really confirmed that this is what I want to pursue.'  Sure, I may still battle the fear and doubt, but God has shown that He can 'help my unbelief' if I am wiling to merely obey.  That's all he asks.  I wonder if there are some of you who God is nudging to obey and follow His lead in a certain area (relationship with Him/others, jobs, pursuits), but you struggle with doubt?  Good news. According to Simon, you don't have to wait to believe and obey.  It can start simply with obeying.

Everyday reasons to believe in a future!  

   

A Good Place

I was sneaking out the door this morning and it struck me that a year ago I was doing the same thing. But for a much different reason.  Last year, I nursed Raleigh Mae one final time, gave her a big hug, wiped away some tears, quietly put her back to sleep and Rich and I 'snuck' out the door for a quiet drive to prepare for my bilateral mastectomy.  This time I was quietly sneaking out of the house for a RUN.  Wow.

Me and my Raleigh post run.  :)  

We've hit so many milestones recently that have taken my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. I'm so incredibly thankful to be here this side of heaven, breathing deep with my feet planted on this earth with my family and friends.  For Goodness Sake - I went for a run today!  A year ago I barely had enough blood to keep me alive.  I am in a good place today.

Rich and I have talked about future college savings, future moves/assignments/jobs, future places to live; we've talked about the future with Hope.  Last year I wasn't sure if I would be alive for another month, or two or year and every thought of the future with our kids brought tears of fear and questioning....not sure if I would be around for their significant milestones.  I am in a good place today.

I understand so much more about my body and how God created us to thrive.  A year ago, I could barely wrap my mind around how cancer had gotten a foothold in my body.  I am in a good place today.

And yet, if I truly believe that the Holy God of the Universe loves me enough that He sent His one and only Son to die for me, then perhaps the truth is that I've been in a good place all along.  

Let me explain.  I heard something in church that made me think.  Really think.  Below is a devotional from Charles Spurgeon and the highlighted part is what our guest pastor quoted this past Sunday.

"He shall choose our inheritance for us." 
Psalms 47:4

Believer, if your inheritance be a lowly one you should be satisfied with your earthly portion; for you may rest assured that it is the fittest for you. Unerring wisdom ordained your lot, and selected for you the safest and best condition. A ship of large tonnage is to be brought up the river; now, in one part of the stream there is a sandbank; should some one ask, "Why does the captain steer through the deep part of the channel and deviate so much from a straight line?" His answer would be, "Because I should not get my vessel into harbour at all if I did not keep to the deep channel." So, it may be, you would run aground and suffer shipwreck, if your divine Captain did not steer you into the depths of affliction where waves of trouble follow each other in quick succession. Some plants die if they have too much sunshine. It may be that you are planted where you get but little, you are put there by the loving Husbandman, because only in that situation will you bring forth fruit unto perfection. Remember this, had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put you there. You are placed by God in the most suitable circumstances, and if you had the choosing of your lot, you would soon cry, "Lord, choose my inheritance for me, for by my self-will I am pierced through with many sorrows." Be content with such things as you have, since the Lord has ordered all things for your good. Take up your own daily cross; it is the burden best suited for your shoulder, and will prove most effective to make you perfect in every good word and work to the glory of God. Down busy self, and proud impatience, it is not for you to choose, but for the Lord of Love!

"Trials must and will befall- 
But with humble faith to see 
Love inscribed upon them all; 
This is happiness to me." 

It made me think.  Even through cancer.  Even through tough surgeries.  Even through losses.  Even through the hardest heartbreak you can imagine.  Even through your current trials and storms.  If there was any better place to be, He would put you there.      

I may never understand or see this side of Heaven, the full extent and purpose of His Glory in our past year.  But I do know that God is good.  And that God loves me.  And that He is Holy.  And those are never changing Truths.  And so, logically, I have to trust His Sovereign Grace and Love and Purpose of our past year, present and future.

A couple more things I learned.  When I woke up from the second surgery, I had tears in my eyes as I asked Rich if he had seen the Angel.  I passed out, woke up again and asked him the same thing.  I realize that I had tears in my eyes because it was such an awe-some and for lack of a better word, terrifying sight (I often get frustrated that I can't find the right words to describe what I saw).  It was overwhelming.  In an instant I knew I saw something extra-ordinary that was from God.  And yet, if that Angel, evoked such a response in me, how much more awe-some must God be?  If God created that Angel, then His presence would be infinitely more overwhelming than what I saw after my second surgery.  As an old pastor says, God is white-hot-Holy.  And yet, in an incredible twist, God offers access to Himself as our Father.  The one to call 'daddy', who knows our  heartbreaks, hears our cries and holds us through the storms.  Y'all.  I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around this incredible love the Holiest of Holies has for us.  But I know this is a good place to be.  I hope this finds you in a good place today.          

Our story one year later

One year ago, today, at around this same time, I received the phone call with my diagnosis of breast cancer.

Whew.  We have come SO FAR.  Thank you, Jesus!  Thank you, Lord!  Sometimes I am in complete awe and can't help but think 'why have You been SO good to me and my family?'.  Our story could look so very different right now and the weight of that is not lost on me.

Our pastor asked if I would share our testimony at church this Sunday and I think the timing is so ...well, timely.  :)  And I'm happy to share because the bible tells us that we honor God when we remember what He has done for us.  And so I am happy to remember and never forget.  I will not dwell on the scars, but thankfully remember just how far the Lord has brought us.  And though I haven't spoken in front of a group about something so personal in a long time, I am happy to have the privilege of publicly remembering what God has done for us.

Psalm 105: 1-5 "Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon His name.  Make known His deeds among the peoples!  Sing to Him, sing praises to Him; tell of all His wondrous works!  Glory in His Holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice!  Seek the Lord and His strength; seek His presence continually.  Remember the wondrous works that He has done..." 

And that's why I also decided to write a memoir for our kiddos.  I am so grateful that they don't understand the full extent of what cancer means or comprehend the fear that comes with that diagnosis.  But when they are older, I want them to fully grasp and understand what God has done for our family.  I want sweet Raleigh Mae to know that God even used her in my belly to discover the tumor.

There is so much wrapped up in what I plan on sharing this Sunday and I wanted to share a little bit here.

While I would have never chosen to walk this path and fight this battle, I would never trade what I have learned about God.  When I think of where I was a year ago, my heart breaks a little because I remember how I felt.  I remember the heartache, fear, devastation all wrapped up in my chest....yet I remember there was always Hope.  Part of me wishes I could go back to that girl, grab her by the shoulders (because as my friend says that is what you do when you want someone to take you seriously), lift up her chin, wipe away the tears, look her square in the eye and remind her that God is good and He is in Control.  That somehow in the year to come I will understand how our Good and His Glory are inexplicably intertwined.  I could never have imagined then what I know now.

When I prayed about what to share in my testimony, I felt led to share my story to encourage others who may be going through a struggle.  Big or small.  Immediate or long term.  Where you are now in your journey may seem completely hopeless and futile.  You may question what God is doing or even question God Himself.  But please hear my heart when I say, He has never left your side, and never will.  He promises your good and His Glory and when the time is right, He will reveal your story.  And I promise you will not be disappointed, but will be compelled to love our Lord even more.  You may be walking through the fire right now, but you will not be left there.  You will walk through the fire, with a faith that is refined and you will see Him more clearly than before.

I hope someone is encouraged or remembers my story when they need encouragement in the future.  All Glory to Him.  

a few day after surgery #1

Raleigh Mae's first trip to Colorado!

almost a year later....typical family photo :)