Relentless

Whew.  Some days life just feels relentless.  I know some are dealing with relentless snow, relentless days of flying solo as a parent, relentless health issues, relentless pressure, relentless expectations, just relentless relentlessness (does that make sense???).

The last few days have felt relentless to me.... relentless attending to children - one cries, the other spills a Costco size jar of cashews (I know...who really needs that many cashews??), another stuffs a carrot far, far up her nose, and then one feels 'all better' after puking all over me (and my freshly washed sweater).  Let me say here - I love my children....and I do not take for granted the blessing that they are.  BUT.  This parenting job is hard for me and kicks my butt on a daily basis. It's been a process for me to realize that just because I thought this job was hard, it was not a sole indicator that I was doing a bad job.  I could go on about this for any moms out there who are weary and wondering what in the world they are doing.... that post for another time, though.  Back to relentless:  three leaks spilling through the ceiling (of our h.o.m.e.) while replacing two toilets.... and then we start our evening off with a call to 911 because a sweet elderly lady takes a fall in our home and fractures her hip.

I kept questioning why life had to be so relentless at times?  For a few moments I wondered if it was possible to just run away (a friend once told me that somedays you qualify as a good mom just because you didn't run away :)).  I was in the pit of resenting how relentless everything around me seemed.

Then, at such an unexpected moment, God lifted up my eyes and showed me a different 'relentless'.  How He was relentless in reconciling us to Him.  He didn't ease up on helping us obtain a way to Him. He was relentless in His love for us that He gave His one and only Son to die for us.  He IS relentless in His promise to make us holy.  Be Holy because I am Holy.  It is not just a challenge or command.  It is a promise that He continues to make us Holy and will complete the Good work He began in us.  He will not relent.  When life around us never seems to ease up, His relentless pursuit of us is always greater.

I know everyone has different struggles and challenges that accompany each season of life...sometimes I feel like I will never make it out of this season intact.  But hear what I clearly felt God lay on my heart:  No matter how heavy your heart may feel, no matter the doubts your brains whispers, there is a Great Work in us that He is doing...it is a promise...and He never relents in His love for us.      

Not for the Faint of Heart

Whew....sometimes, I have experiences that just get my heart beating a little faster and adrenaline pumping.  It's not like skydiving where you totally anticipate what's to come and expect the end result... it's those unexpected-not-what-I-would-have-chosen-to-do-but-it's-over-now-and-I'm-thankful kind of experiences.  Bear with me while I explain:

I was in the kitchen getting breakfast ready, somewhat preoccupied, but trying to listen to what my daughter was saying.  Something like this "umm...I see something with little leggies....and maybe a spiky thing...maybe something that can sting..."  Honestly, my kiddos speech is not totally clear so I did the familiar 'uh huh...oh...cool..wonder what it is..hang on, I'll be right there' line.  As I stepped over to join her I discovered a scorpion!!!!!  Let me say paint a clearer picture for you:  all my kiddos and I were barefoot in the kitchen and there was a scorpion about to pounce on us and sting us to death so that my husband would return home to all of us face up on the floor having succumbed to poisonous scorpion venom. Yep, now you're with me.  So I immediately considered shooting it...with my shot gun?  bow and arrow?  In the meantime, kiddos - 'Get your boots on now!'.  I know this may sound like overkill (no pun intended!), but this Chicago girl is NOT used to sharing living space with scorpions and I've heard they can be dangerous.

Fast forward through a couple phone calls asking friends what I should do with a scorpion (because the rational side of me wants to catch it and preserve it for a science lesson with the kiddos) and I decide to try and be brave, spare it's life (for the time being) and trap it in a jar and release it far far far from here.  In the process of trying to trap it, the little sucker crawls right up the cabinet baseboard and INTO THE CABINET.  oh my word.  I screamed and then switched strategies to talking nicely to it to coax it back out.  so I could VANQUISH it this time.

Double fast forward:  I end up calling a pest company because we had already had many, many, many ants in and around the house so I figured this was a sign.  The exterminators (I sometimes wish that was my job title) were so nice and understanding and proceeded to spray the house inside and out.  While they were spraying outside I started having second doubts.... really?  do I need to hire a company to come and deal with pesky (slightly poisonous) insects for me instead of just taking care of it on my own?  ugh...I shouldn't have called...I'm such a wimp.  Then they came inside to finish spraying and as I was chatting with the friendly guy we turned around in time to see a BLACK WIDOW emerge from right behind the kitchen cabinet above where the scorpion had emerged.  Seriously???????  After I muffled my own scream, I politely asked him if he could catch it for me (I have an issue, I think).  He was kind enough to catch it in a jar for me after asking 'are you crazy?' when I handed him a tiny, mini, but really cute, 1/2 " clothespin to scoop it  up with....it was the closest object on hand from a craft project..I digress....

It made me really thankful that God has exposed the scorpion in order to find that black widow.  Not how I would have chosen my day to be, but I was thankful none the less.

And it revealed something else in my heart:  there have been and are certain sins that I think I can deal politely with.... just suppress it...cover over it....work on it...gradually...give it time...maybe it's not that bad because I can hide it for the most part.  But God was showing me that when convicted, there are certain sins that have absolutely no business being part of my life.  We are to be ruthless with eradicating and ridding ourselves of some things.  And in the process, He gives Grace to reveal other hidden, black widows in our hearts that sometimes we weren't even aware of.

When I was in junior high things at home got a little unstable.  I responded with just a tiny bit of rebellion that included cussing like a sailor amongst a few other things (that I'll save for later :)).  Truly, I remember being so proud of myself for using more swear words than normal words in a sentence.  My adjectives for anything was usually limited to four letters.  And then somewhere, by the Grace of God, I was convicted to refine my speech.  It didn't happen gradually with just 5 four letter words in my sentence, then 4, then 3 and so on.... it happened cold turkey.  I just had to quit.

And even though God rid my speech of being overrun by swear words, He's revealed to me something even greater:  there's much more to my speech than just the literal words..tone, sharpness, rhythm, passive aggressive vocabulary, being laced with sarcasm, etc.  It's been a long road (I seem to have encountered a detour after having kids!) in transforming my speech from caustic to grace....and it's still a daily work in progress.

I'm happy to report that the only scorpions and black widows in this lady's house are sitting in a jar, preserved in alcohol.  :)  How thankful I am, though, for those 'scorpions' in my life that God uses to reveal the dangerous, hidden, lurking black widows.

U-Turns and Dead Ends

Some may know that I have a terrible sense of direction.  Truly...not just a bad sense of direction, but a really terrible sense of direction.  For example, if I'm lost and trying to find my way around and think that I need to turn right, I'll actually tell myself to turn left since I would have turned right....because I'm that bad at directions.  I know we live in the age of GPS, but a computer doesn't always know when there are detours due to construction....which brings me to a recent outing.

One of the things I get really excited to find whenever we move to a new place is a hair salon!  Once I find someone who can cut my hair I feel degrees closer to saying we are 'settled'.  I got a referral from a friend and while I was out running errands I had a few extra minutes so I thought I would swing by and check the place out....it was only 5 minutes from our house.  Supposedly.  Let me just say I set a new record:  I ran into TWELVE U-turns and dead ends.  And then to make it worse, once I was past the twilight zone of dead ends I looked around and realized I had just driven past my HOUSE!  See.  I really am bad at navigation.

Once I finally got a chance to look at my map and zoom out, I realized why I was stuck in the land of never ending u-turns/dead ends.  In this neighborhood adjacent to ours, there is only one road that crosses the Rio Grande and since that road was under construction the only way around was actually two exits further on the highway.  Ahhhhh..... after I looked at the big picture I understood why I had been SO stinkin' turned around.

As a family, we have been re-evaluating and praying about adjusting certain things in our life.  And in one particular area it seems like I am running into dead end after dead end....and then another dead end.  It can be discouraging at times and mildly frustrating.  And it makes me doubt.  And then I doubt my doubts.  And quite frankly, I'm currently confused on which way to turn and how to adjust our path.  I feel like I'm in the twilight zone of dead ends and U-turns and really wanting to explore every possibility, but I'm growing weary.

But God is faithful and I feel like He gently nudged me with an answer.  Not a specific answer that I was looking for, but a reminder to 'zoom out'.  To remember that He already knows the right path and that no matter which wrong turn I may or may not make, He will always bring me Home.  For now, I'm growing more and more confident in just taking in the big picture....remembering that He is faithful and always working for our Good and His Glory...and letting Him reveal the details to me in due time without fear of what may or may not be.  After all, He's even numbered the hairs on our head.

The Pits, Praise and being Present

Moving can be the pits.  I just want to get that out there... I try not to dwell on it too much, but truth be told, there are some seriously smelly stinky pits to moving so I just simply want to acknowledge the truth.

I spent the last couple days licking some wounds....of hurt feelings, feeling displaced, being disappointed and just a dose of plain 'ol sad.  I was on my way to meet a group of ladies that I was hoping to connect with and just so stinkin' excited about meeting some others of my kind (being surrounded by kids all day just makes me crave adult fellowship sometimes!) and I was blaring some of my recent favorite songs.  But on the way home, I just couldn't help it.... my eyes were wet (let me be clear, this is not a criticism of the ladies...I just didn't find that soul friend). And I had a hard time whispering a single sentence....yet I knew that in a way, that was wrong.  I have sang lyrics so often about praising in the good and bad and yet, in this small moment of disappointment I couldn't utter a single word.  I felt a bit petty.  As the songs continued to play, these lyrics grabbed me:  from Psalm 103.... "Praise the Lord, O my soul....Don't forget His love...who forgives all your sin...crowns you with His love...who satisfies your desires with good and lovely things..."  And then slowly I was able to sing a few words as I entered our neighborhood.

The night also made me think of something that I've tried to balance for a while:  being Present in the moment yet living for eternity.  How to be so fully in the here and now, yet invest in things of eternal worth.  I didn't know how these two things were related, but for some reason God connected these things for me.

36 hours after this evening, I went to another meeting with some ladies and wouldn't you know, I found a friend!  How do I know she's a friend, you say?  Because we met in the morning and had dinner with them in our home less than 12 hours later....and it wasn't in the least bit weird!  What a Praise.... "He satisfies your desires with good and lovely things..."   

And I found another praise regarding moving....from pits to praise:  when you move to an unfamiliar place, everything is NEW.  This means we can explore our neighborhood with the kiddos and it is truly fun!  We went on an outing this morning...my husband pushed the two littles, while I ran with the older two who were on their bikes.  As I was running alongside and between them, I was constantly reminding them - stay on this side, don't go into the soft dirt, move over and watch out for that car, pedal a little faster so we can catch up, slow down so you don't run over his heels.... In that moment God clearly showed me what is was to be fully present and investing in eternity.

I had to be fully present with my two older kids as they rode to keep them safe and guide them along the route....and as I was doing that I was investing in eternity...relationships with my kids.  Conversing with them..encouraging with them...instructing them...as they kept pedaling forward and then finally back to our familiar home.

I'm in awe of how God shows me how real He is in my life - from the pits of moving to praising Him for new friends and learning how to be present yet investing at the same time.  I'm always sure that all this may only make sense to me, but I hope it encourages others!     

Uncertainty and Abundance

I just need to get the words out before I lose the sense of their weight and chicken out of writing...so this may not exactly be poetic prose, but here goes.

Today kind of felt like a bombardment of bits of news that all had a common theme....one of uncertainty.  I spoke with a couple friends who are experiencing some major uncertainty in their lives and then we found out some news from work and family that kind of rocked our little world.

And you know what my first instinct was?  To grasp harder at those things threatened by uncertainty.  My comfort, plans, possessions, privacy....and then the Lord quickly pointed out to me that the very things I was going to try and hold onto even tighter were not really ever mine.  It's like an example that C.S. Lewis uses regarding the lady who thinks she has some quiet time to herself in her home only to have it interrupted by a neighbor knocking on the door.  She's grouchy because the neighbor just interrupted her 'quiet' time....but he points out that though the quiet time was within grasp, it was never hers for the Lord had other plans..that included her neighbor coming to her door.  And so I was reminded of the same...that these things that I feel like can be taken away or threatened in the future are not really mine to begin with.  So why should I even bother acting as if it was?  Act like I have something that is being threatened and try even holder to maintain my grip on it?

Instead, my friend reminded me of how my attitude should be...that I should hold these things loosely, knowing that it's all His anyways.

And so I choose to graciously hold these things, open handed and palms facing up ready to give these things if the Lord asks us to, but keenly aware that He never leaves us empty handed.

Which brings me to another point.....Abundance.  Give me a moment to explain how these two are tied together in my mind.

I was loading groceries into the refrigerator a few days ago and was struck by how much abundance we have.  In soooo many ways.  In the deli drawer of my fridge alone I have FIVE different types of cheese.  It makes me happy.  And so aware of the many different levels of abundance we have.

Growing up, my parents were immigrants and we didn't have a lot of money...not that I ever felt poor or felt like I had a disadvantage of any sort growing up.  I just remember that my parents worked a lot...sometimes on Christmas...and we didn't have a ton of presents or toys.  I never felt like I was really missing out on anything, though.

And with the contrast of our abundance now, I sometimes feel the temptation of guilt creep up.  But I'm constantly convicted that God didn't bless us only to have us feel guilty for His gifts.  How twisted would it be if I gave me son Legos and then expected him to feel guilty in return for the gift I gave him?  No, instead, He's given us gifts to use and multiply for His Glory and pour out on others for His Name's sake.  It reminds me of the parable of talents....use what He's given you, be a good steward of it, multiply it.  Then, in the pouring out of ourselves, He fills our cup to overflowing....I believe this because I've experienced it and know it to be real.

So, back to the uncertainty.  Just like the things He's given us in abundance, I will hold the items of uncertainty with open hands....pour it forth and know that He will fill us to overflowing with things of eternal significance.

If anyone else is experiencing uncertainty in the beginning of this new year I hope some of this resonates with you as well...

Faithful...redefined

During the past few years, God has redefined my understanding of faithful.

I used to understand faithful in the version of "God is faithful.... He always provides."  The same way that we don't have to worry about where our next home will be - "He always provides!".  And it's true - in 10 years and 9 different houses, we've never been homeless.  But my understanding of faithful was rocked to the core a few years ago.

I have a sweet, soul friend, Sarah.  When she was pregnant with her second baby, about 4 months into her pregnancy, doctors found out there was something wrong.  The following weeks involved a series of tests and procedures to first determine what exactly was wrong and then to correct it in utero.  We prayed...prayed hard for baby Mia to be healed.  And I believed in my heart of hearts that everything would be fine.  After all, God is faithful.  He always provides.

But on November 20th, Sarah and David were forced to say hello and goodbye to baby Mia.  To say I cannot even begin to understand their heartbreak is an understatement.  In a selfish way, I have to admit that I was grieving for myself, too.  I was disappointed by God - I felt like He had let me down.  From my finite point of view, there was absolutely no reason why God would not or could not have saved baby Mia.  He is God.  He is faithful.  He could heal baby Mia.  He always provides.  But why not this time?

In the weeks and months that followed Sarah didn't hide her pain or pretend like all was okay.  She was gracefully transparent about her grief, yet she never uttered one word of resentment towards God.  I don't know if she and David wrestled privately with God for answers, but never did they utter a single word of blame towards God.

Sarah and David walked through the refiner's fire and came out with an amazing testimony.  And this is when God redefined my definition of faithful.  Somehow, somewhere, in the midst of their grief, God provided Sarah and David with a lasting faith in Him.  He provided them with a faith that despite heartbreaking loss, grew even stronger.  This is what faithful is:  when everything in the world is stripped away and you have nothing left but God, He proves to be enough.  He provides.  Himself.

I imagine that Sarah and David might be celebrities in heaven.  :)      

   

Engage

We are two thirds of the way through a three month course that my husband is required to take for his next job.  That means we moved about two months ago and we're about to move (again) in less than a month.  My heart was dreading this move.... I left a fantastic community of folks with whom I have some rich relationships and three months is not an ideal amount of time for us (my kids included) to make new friends.  It's one thing to meet someone you like....it's another thing to have time to nurture that relationship.

God has been challenging me, though, to still get 'out there' and meet folks.  Talk to the other moms who are waiting with me during dance class, chat it up with the check out lady, invite someone over for dinner, etc.  Sure, chances are I won't find another lifelong friendship in our short stint here (again....relationships just plain 'ol take time), but I'm convinced that God wants us to be engaged with the world around us.  He showed us this in Jesus' life on earth.  Jesus engaged with humanity...in such a real way.  Even with people we probably wouldn't like.

That's so different from how I tend to react to things I don't like.  I've noticed this in my parenting...to be quite frank, I don't really like barbie dolls and all the princess stuff (go figure, we have three girls! and they'll ALL be in highschool at the same time someday!).  I never had it growing up and just don't see a need for it now.  and I want to shelter them from so many things that I think they represent....warped sense of body image, choice of clothing, etc (just my opinion).  But have you noticed princess stuff is EVERYWHERE?  It's really, really hard to avoid.  In some sense, to some degree, I've avoided engaging in the part of the world that my little girls live in that revolves around all things princess.  It's time to change that.

Christ's example for us on earth was not to run away or avoid things we don't like.  He engaged in society....even parts and people of society that we're SO wrong.  Actually, ESPECIALLY those.  He tackled some awkward moments and engaged them head on... he TOUCHED the leper, he conversed with a Samaritan - a woman, no less, he ate with a tax collector, the list could go on and on.  And that's when lives were changed.  Forever.

As christians, when we choose to engage this world, even the parts that may offend us or that we simply don't really like, we open the door for Christ's amazing grace to transform lives.  Sure, He can change lives with or without us.  He doesn't need us.  But when we choose to engage in this world He created - the good, the bad and the ugly, we get to be that much more a part of His work.  I just hope there aren't barbie dolls in heaven!