A Good Place

I was sneaking out the door this morning and it struck me that a year ago I was doing the same thing. But for a much different reason.  Last year, I nursed Raleigh Mae one final time, gave her a big hug, wiped away some tears, quietly put her back to sleep and Rich and I 'snuck' out the door for a quiet drive to prepare for my bilateral mastectomy.  This time I was quietly sneaking out of the house for a RUN.  Wow.

Me and my Raleigh post run.  :)  

We've hit so many milestones recently that have taken my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. I'm so incredibly thankful to be here this side of heaven, breathing deep with my feet planted on this earth with my family and friends.  For Goodness Sake - I went for a run today!  A year ago I barely had enough blood to keep me alive.  I am in a good place today.

Rich and I have talked about future college savings, future moves/assignments/jobs, future places to live; we've talked about the future with Hope.  Last year I wasn't sure if I would be alive for another month, or two or year and every thought of the future with our kids brought tears of fear and questioning....not sure if I would be around for their significant milestones.  I am in a good place today.

I understand so much more about my body and how God created us to thrive.  A year ago, I could barely wrap my mind around how cancer had gotten a foothold in my body.  I am in a good place today.

And yet, if I truly believe that the Holy God of the Universe loves me enough that He sent His one and only Son to die for me, then perhaps the truth is that I've been in a good place all along.  

Let me explain.  I heard something in church that made me think.  Really think.  Below is a devotional from Charles Spurgeon and the highlighted part is what our guest pastor quoted this past Sunday.

"He shall choose our inheritance for us." 
Psalms 47:4

Believer, if your inheritance be a lowly one you should be satisfied with your earthly portion; for you may rest assured that it is the fittest for you. Unerring wisdom ordained your lot, and selected for you the safest and best condition. A ship of large tonnage is to be brought up the river; now, in one part of the stream there is a sandbank; should some one ask, "Why does the captain steer through the deep part of the channel and deviate so much from a straight line?" His answer would be, "Because I should not get my vessel into harbour at all if I did not keep to the deep channel." So, it may be, you would run aground and suffer shipwreck, if your divine Captain did not steer you into the depths of affliction where waves of trouble follow each other in quick succession. Some plants die if they have too much sunshine. It may be that you are planted where you get but little, you are put there by the loving Husbandman, because only in that situation will you bring forth fruit unto perfection. Remember this, had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put you there. You are placed by God in the most suitable circumstances, and if you had the choosing of your lot, you would soon cry, "Lord, choose my inheritance for me, for by my self-will I am pierced through with many sorrows." Be content with such things as you have, since the Lord has ordered all things for your good. Take up your own daily cross; it is the burden best suited for your shoulder, and will prove most effective to make you perfect in every good word and work to the glory of God. Down busy self, and proud impatience, it is not for you to choose, but for the Lord of Love!

"Trials must and will befall- 
But with humble faith to see 
Love inscribed upon them all; 
This is happiness to me." 

It made me think.  Even through cancer.  Even through tough surgeries.  Even through losses.  Even through the hardest heartbreak you can imagine.  Even through your current trials and storms.  If there was any better place to be, He would put you there.      

I may never understand or see this side of Heaven, the full extent and purpose of His Glory in our past year.  But I do know that God is good.  And that God loves me.  And that He is Holy.  And those are never changing Truths.  And so, logically, I have to trust His Sovereign Grace and Love and Purpose of our past year, present and future.

A couple more things I learned.  When I woke up from the second surgery, I had tears in my eyes as I asked Rich if he had seen the Angel.  I passed out, woke up again and asked him the same thing.  I realize that I had tears in my eyes because it was such an awe-some and for lack of a better word, terrifying sight (I often get frustrated that I can't find the right words to describe what I saw).  It was overwhelming.  In an instant I knew I saw something extra-ordinary that was from God.  And yet, if that Angel, evoked such a response in me, how much more awe-some must God be?  If God created that Angel, then His presence would be infinitely more overwhelming than what I saw after my second surgery.  As an old pastor says, God is white-hot-Holy.  And yet, in an incredible twist, God offers access to Himself as our Father.  The one to call 'daddy', who knows our  heartbreaks, hears our cries and holds us through the storms.  Y'all.  I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around this incredible love the Holiest of Holies has for us.  But I know this is a good place to be.  I hope this finds you in a good place today.          

Our story one year later

One year ago, today, at around this same time, I received the phone call with my diagnosis of breast cancer.

Whew.  We have come SO FAR.  Thank you, Jesus!  Thank you, Lord!  Sometimes I am in complete awe and can't help but think 'why have You been SO good to me and my family?'.  Our story could look so very different right now and the weight of that is not lost on me.

Our pastor asked if I would share our testimony at church this Sunday and I think the timing is so ...well, timely.  :)  And I'm happy to share because the bible tells us that we honor God when we remember what He has done for us.  And so I am happy to remember and never forget.  I will not dwell on the scars, but thankfully remember just how far the Lord has brought us.  And though I haven't spoken in front of a group about something so personal in a long time, I am happy to have the privilege of publicly remembering what God has done for us.

Psalm 105: 1-5 "Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon His name.  Make known His deeds among the peoples!  Sing to Him, sing praises to Him; tell of all His wondrous works!  Glory in His Holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice!  Seek the Lord and His strength; seek His presence continually.  Remember the wondrous works that He has done..." 

And that's why I also decided to write a memoir for our kiddos.  I am so grateful that they don't understand the full extent of what cancer means or comprehend the fear that comes with that diagnosis.  But when they are older, I want them to fully grasp and understand what God has done for our family.  I want sweet Raleigh Mae to know that God even used her in my belly to discover the tumor.

There is so much wrapped up in what I plan on sharing this Sunday and I wanted to share a little bit here.

While I would have never chosen to walk this path and fight this battle, I would never trade what I have learned about God.  When I think of where I was a year ago, my heart breaks a little because I remember how I felt.  I remember the heartache, fear, devastation all wrapped up in my chest....yet I remember there was always Hope.  Part of me wishes I could go back to that girl, grab her by the shoulders (because as my friend says that is what you do when you want someone to take you seriously), lift up her chin, wipe away the tears, look her square in the eye and remind her that God is good and He is in Control.  That somehow in the year to come I will understand how our Good and His Glory are inexplicably intertwined.  I could never have imagined then what I know now.

When I prayed about what to share in my testimony, I felt led to share my story to encourage others who may be going through a struggle.  Big or small.  Immediate or long term.  Where you are now in your journey may seem completely hopeless and futile.  You may question what God is doing or even question God Himself.  But please hear my heart when I say, He has never left your side, and never will.  He promises your good and His Glory and when the time is right, He will reveal your story.  And I promise you will not be disappointed, but will be compelled to love our Lord even more.  You may be walking through the fire right now, but you will not be left there.  You will walk through the fire, with a faith that is refined and you will see Him more clearly than before.

I hope someone is encouraged or remembers my story when they need encouragement in the future.  All Glory to Him.  

a few day after surgery #1

Raleigh Mae's first trip to Colorado!

almost a year later....typical family photo :)  

Week 1 Post- Op.

     One could say that I severely underestimated what this recovery was going to be.  I had envisioned myself home before the older kids got back from school, up and walking around, slightly sore the next day, and then up and doing my normal routine by day 3.  Reality was me apologizing to the nurses over and over again as I keep oozing bloody fluid all over the room in attempts to go to the bathroom where I puked over and over again…in the sink (cause I couldn’t make it to the toilet).       

     That’s not an attempt to get you to feel sorry for me – just a very humble revelation that I am, indeed, not wonderwoman.  Or her cousin, or second cousin thrice removed. 

     But day 7 here and I am getting more mobile and on my feet more and more.  I may look like a granny while driving, but driving I am, at least!  

     We’ve been blessed with my mother in law who flew in and held down the fort for days, friends who brought us meals, clothes (that I can actually wear over my wraps and bandages), juice (yes, someone juiced for me – incredible, right??), sweet flowers and watched kids for us.  We had a great follow up appt yesterday where all stitches were removed and the doctor nonchalantly stuck a needle in me to remove some fluid that had built up (I will NEVER get used to being poke and prodded!).    

     One last day of antibiotics, I have finally been able to sleep in bed, I can hold Raleigh and we are well on the road to recovery (the primary phase is 6 weeks, and then about 4-6 months for full 

results).

      

     The toughest part may be emotional acceptance of how things look.  I made the mistake of peeking under the bandages after the first day and just cried.  Not because my surgeon didn’t do a good job, but because there was plenty of swelling, dried blood, more stitches, deep bruising and just a general realization that my body has been further changed from what I was born with.  And the reminder that cancer is the reason for the physical changes.  I’ve been wrestling with this for several days.

     And I point this all out to share the significance of what I learned in a study that I recently started with some local gals called Anointed, Transformed, Redeemed by Priscilla Shirer, Beth Moore and Kay Arthur.  We talked about the power of being anointed (this itself is a different topic that I won’t go into now, but would love to discuss more later!) and having a God awareness throughout our day.  And bam, it struck me.  I have not been looking at my physical self with a ‘God awareness”.  What if, when I looked in the mirror, I imagined God’s presence, right next to me, looking at me and pointing out every fiber of my being that He created and knit together before I was even born?  Maybe, instead of crying over how different things look, I could rest in the assurance that He sees me as beautiful the same way that I do not see a single one of my kids as any less beautiful because of a scar.  If my Maker was standing next to me, who created the inspiring sunrises and sunsets without the aid of any man, if my Maker was standing next to me would I dare find reason to cringe at my image?  This isn’t about some mind-game-gobbly-gook about just accepting things as they are and sucking it up and moving on with things.  It’s about living the truth of knowing that God is with us and embracing His Holy Spirit and praying to see as He does.   Of course this applies to so many, arguably more important, areas of my life.  How I interact with the kids when it’s just me and them talking about how fairy wings grow for the umpteenth time, how I speak to my husband when we are disagreeing about a certain topic, how I act while entertaining an unexpected visitor, etc.  It also means that I can walk throughout my day with more confidence that nothing is by accident and that He, the Good of all good, is still in control.  He's not walking beside us saying, 'sorry about that...I dropped the ball on that one, eh?'.  No, instead, when life feels out of control, He's whispering, I still have you.  I have you.  Just rest.  Nothing is out of my control.'    

     This is not about just ‘acting’ right and behavior modification, but about changing the heart.  My heart.  Your heart.  Maybe you believe in God and maybe you don’t.  But just imagine that there was indeed a Maker of the Universe walking next to you and trying to speak to you throughout your day – the Maker who loves you (and LIKES YOU) SO much and delights in you to the point that He sent His only Son to die for our sins so that we could continue to be in His presence.   Imagine Him next to you and you can’t help but change how we see ourselves, our family, and our neighbors. 

     This is just a sliver of what I learned in the study,  but it convicted me so much that I had to change my plans to run errands and instead type out these words.  I pray that it encourages someone else. 

Outside my comfort zone

I should be preparing for my next surgery tomorrow...but I've surrendered to the fact that it's somewhat futile at this point.

For good reasons.  We had a 'cancer free' celebration a couple weeks ago followed by Ada's 5th birthday celebration this past weekend! And with life in between I just didn't get to some things like I had hoped to.  God is bigger than my lack of feeling prepared, not having enough button down shirts, enough reading material lined up, or my fuzzy hospital socks or extra meals on hand.  We DO have grandma in town to help take care of the kids, friends bringing us meals and one friend is lending me her spanx to help with post surgery recovery (those things are amazing!!!  why am I just now trying them???).

"mammo-grahams"  Where else other than a cancer free party can you have these????  Courtesy of my friend, Kanaan :)  

Birthday breakfast presents

Birthday Dinner:  her favs: nachos and brussel sprouts :)  

Last airplane ride for a while...more to come in a month!  

But I will admit that I am a tiny bit nervous about this surgery...we all know what happened the first time, and this time it's with a different surgeon, different hospital and different anesthetist.  It's funny how even when it comes to surgery/needles/scalpels, you develop 'favorites' regarding who gets to poke, prod and cut you.

My surgery this time is for further reconstruction and some 'adjustments' from the first phase of reconstruction.  Deep down inside, I do often wish that my vanity could have been okay without the reconstruction, but I am so, so, so grateful for the option.  To be blunt, this surgery will involve breast reconstruction and lipo in order to do some fat injections.  The whole thing seems so surreal to me because I never ever imagined a procedure like this.  And to be very honest:  when I wake up, this time my concern won't be 'did they get the cancer out', but instead will be 'what do I look like'?  And for some reason, that has me nervous.  I feel maxed out on the scars and marks and this will up my tally (read:  I'm a bit vain and am growing weary of new scars).

But with all these thoughts swirling in my mind, my mother in law reminds me of the angel.  The angel.  The one I was so privileged to see (and sometimes I still can't believe I saw it).  And the one I know was protecting me and will protect me because God promises to be faithful.  And it reminds me of how easily my focus is shifted away from what matters.  The truth that God is in control, He is Good and that He sent His Son to die on the cross for us because He loves us THAT much.  And in the end, all things will be restored and my scars won't bear any shame and He will be glorified.  And if I know that truth, then why do I waste my time on being anxious and worrying?  And isn't it a mercy of God that I have an unfamiliar team doing my surgery this time?  Because otherwise, I would have placed some of my trust in the familiarity of the team and not Him.  But I'm forced outside my comfort zone (I was even getting used to the color of the gown and cap I got to wear at the original hospital) and reminded that the only place to put my trust is in Him.

So, here we go.  One more surgery.  One more recovery.  I just recently regained enough strength to do some push ups and shoot my bow and arrow.  Those will be some of my goals again!

I also wonder in the back of my mind....will I ever get to see the angel again?  It was both a bit terrifying and awesome at the same time.

Would you please pray for grandma while she's holding down the fort? That she and the kids would be protected and that all would go smoothly?  Thank you for your prayers and I'll hopefully be sending an update soon!

To God be All the Glory.

Have a GOOD Day

To say I was a bundle of nerves last Friday just might be an understatement....but thank you for praying so faithfully, friends and family!  There was another gentlemen going through a scan in another room who had a panic attack and couldn't finish, but mine went smoothly.  The reason why?  Because of God's grace and all the folks who said they were praying for me.  Seriously.  I've learned that I can jump out of airplanes and helicopters from thousands of feet high, but put me in a metal tube and forgettabout it!  Thank you, thank you for the constant support.

Just a little insight into the process...the timeline of the radioactive injection is very specific.  I had to start at a certain time and after the tech injected me with the radioactive sugar tracer (the syringe was encase in a lead shield...crazy, anyone???), I was told to sit quietly and relax for about an hour.  Again, I'm not sure how people relax after knowing what they've been injected with (I couldn't read a book or do anything other than sit because the material would be taken up by my brain which they didn't want to do..again, crazy...???), but somehow, by the prayers of y'all, I actually managed to catch a few catnaps.  That says a LOT.  I went to the bathroom before the actual scan and saw this sign:

 Which made me cringe and then straight up laugh.  Again...crazy.  Whoever/However they discovered this process is absolutely beyond me and I can honestly say out of all the things I am interested in, nuclear medicine is NOT one of them.

I was thankful to have the scan OVER and as I walked out, there were so many fears in the back of my mind.... 'what are you going to do if the results come back showing more cancer?', 'have I just been utterly wasting my effort and time with alternate treatment?', 'will I be back in for another scan in another month?', 'did Rich and I choose the wrong treatment and not discern God's voice well enough?'...the list could go on....but one of the most powerful encouragements have been friends who have literally spoken life and healing over me.  I'm not sure if this makes sense, but sometimes, when you're in the middle of the storm and getting knocked down, it's hard to hope.  And sometimes, you need others to hope for you.  And to remind me that our hope is not determined by our circumstances....our hope is determined by the ONE we hope in.  Let me say that another way.  My hope is not secured by circumstances, my hope is anchored in Jesus Christ who loved me enough to die for me in order that I may have LIFE and have LIFE to the fullest through faith (relationship) in Him.

And this brings me to the title of this post:  Have a GOOD day.  We just received the official results of the scan (amazingly weeks EARLIER than I had thought!).  My kiddos are running around in a post-school-hyper-tired-need-a-snack mix of crankiness, but I don't care because I have to share this NEWS...because "what God has whispered to you in the darkness, shout if from the rooftops!" (Matthew 10:27):

 I AM CANCER FREE!!!!!!!!!!!  Amen and Amen!!!!!!!!!

Do I think different food/lifestyle/nutrition has healed me?  Absolutely not.  Has it at least helped?  Definitely.  Could I have had the same result after doing chemo and radiation?  Quite possibly.  So, how do I get to say I AM CANCER FREE?????  Only by the grace of God.  To God be ALL the Glory.  Amen.

It's That Time....

It's that time....for my first big scan.  Lots of mixed emotions about this....part of me absolutely dreads it because it means going back to appointments in the hospital, I will be injected with a radioactive material (considering I don't even eat sugar right now, that's a BIG jump!) and I just didn't have that much fun inside the machine last time.  Yet part of me knows that it's good to get this scan done and have a look at what is going on inside.  The hardest part may be that I don't have an appointment to get my results until almost three weeks later.  Waiting always seems to be the hardest part.  So, in the end, this will be mostly a mental game.

I won't lie and say that I'm not nervous....I have butterflies about getting it done for all the reasons listed above, but every flutter reminds me of the verse from Philippians that talks about the 'peace that surpasses all understanding' and how that is what I need to focus on.  The best is when you look at the beginning of the verse. "The Lord is at hand.  Do not be anxious in anything, but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:5-7.  This doesn't just say 'don't be nervous'.  It tells me why I don't have to be a bundle of nerves.  Because 'The Lord is at hand.'  Just as He has guided us around every twist and turn of this battle with cancer, He is at hand....He was then, He is now, and He always will be.  So, the choice is mine.  I can choose to fear and be nervous and hit the panic button during the scan, or I can choose to trust Him.  Because He loves me, the choice is mine.  Could you pray for me to feel His peace not only during the scan, but also during the wait until I get the results....and for peace in whatever the results will be.

In the meantime, I will choose to believe the words of life that friends have spoken over me and continue to place my Hope in Him and believe that my scan will be CLEAR!  :)  Amen?  :)

I am slightly embarrassed (and very humbled) to know that folks are praying for me before, during and after the scan....after all, this procedure is peanuts compared to the last major surgeries.  But my faithful friends have reminded me that nothing is too small or too big to bring to God in prayer.  And everywhere I turn, read, listen, look I keep learning about the power of prayer.  Some of you may not know something that happened during my first surgery.  A friend was in the middle of Costo and felt a conviction to pray for me so she pulled her kids in, prayed for me and then continued shopping.  About a minute later, she received a text from Rich with an update that there had been some complications and that they were trying to get me stable before continuing the surgery.  From thousands of miles away, God urged my friend to pray for me when I desperately needed it.  This isn't about me.  This is about how God works, how big He is and how He loves to hear us.

And with the reminder of the power of prayer, please continue praying for Team Justus.  They have been running a long race with their son in PICU and they appreciate all the prayers on their behalf.  And the incredible part to watch is how it's not just about them...it's about the God sightings and seeing how this has rallied thousands of people around the world to pray.

Here's a pic of our middle and one of her silly faces.  Kind of describes how I feel about the scan tomorrow...and also how much I'll miss being able to hold my kiddos until I'm not dangerously radioactive ( I am told to wait six hours before I hold my kiddos).  Geesh!

Here's to no panic buttons and getting this thing done!  Thank you, Lord, for Your peace that surpasses all understanding because You are at hand!

    

It's been a while....and this I know.

Whew.  It has been a while...long enough that I had to ask my husband how to find my blog again.  :)  Kind of half kidding...I was just thinking out loud and he reminded me what it is called.  My brain has been on different matters recently.

During the past couple months, we spent countless hours at the pool while making new friends, drove over 4,000 miles to hug family we hadn't seen in too long while also meeting some relatives for the first time, I spent a glorious weekend with dear friends and zero parental responsibilities, and drove another 1,000 miles to the mountains for an amazing week of family camp.  I think it's pretty amazing that all of this happened despite what kind of shape I was in last winter.  God is good.

The first thing I learned this summer:  (I mean really learned.)  That God likes me.  I always knew that He loves me, but I really, truly understood that He actually likes me, too.  :)  I'm not sure if you can relate, but it is very possible to love someone while at the same time not quite liking them....that sounds harsh (and there may be some that can't relate to this at all...skip to the next paragraph, please :)), but it's a true phenomenon.  And to a certain degree, I always knew God loves me because, well, He's supposed to - He's God and I'm His kid (Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so...), and that's what you do when you have a kid, right?  But deep down, I may have wondered at times, if He actually delighted in me...in other words, 'do I make Him smile?'  Yet one thing after another happened - little things and big things ( lining up with what I happened to be reading in the bible about how He regards us as His inheritance...because He loves and likes us that much!!!) - that it almost seemed like He kept whispering to me, 'do you know how much I enjoy you?'  And that's what relationship with Jesus is like.  You can believe in God and still not have a relationship with him...but a relationship with you is what the God of the Universe desires.  Because He likes you that much.

Second, cancer does not define me.  It sure did a number on me last winter, is definitely part of my story and I have the scars to bear, but it does not nor will ever be what defines me.  My scars are kind of lame (can't say I fought off a shark or something like that), they still hurt a bit and there are a bunch, but they don't define me.  His are the scars that define me.  The only scars worth anything in my opinion are of the ones who died for me on the Cross because again...He likes me.  During our week in Colorado I started to let go of my physical scars and shame...it's a work in progress, but the scars have no hold over me.

And third, it's in the storms that we draw closest to Jesus.  Last winter was a big storm in our lives.  I admit it's left me a bit gun shy and nervous about this fall....I have my big CT/PET scan coming up soon and probably three more surgeries/procedures (oh, and did I mention a dental appt???  I absolutely dread going to the dentist.).  Yet, it was during that crazy storm where I saw one God sighting after another.  It was during that storm that I saw the angel.  The warrior angel.  And though I would never have willingly chosen to weather that storm, I would never trade what I learned about Him.


We've got a full fall lined up....to include teaching more classes, possibly attempting a low key sprint triathlon at the end of September (depending on when my surgeries are) and praying for clear CT/PET scan results (thank you Lord, that it will be clear!).

The next nutritional topic that I wanted to mention was about fat.  The good fats that your body thrives on and the bad, inflammatory ones to kick to the curb.  In the spectrum of how interesting I think fat is, it falls somewhere between MTHFR, micronutrients and the microbiome....in other words, I really like learning about fat.  :)  stay tuned for more on that.....

But on a more serious note, and the main reason I wanted to write another post is that we have been asking folks to pray for a little 4 yr old boy named Justus.  We know his family through a few degrees....they were very involved with Young Life and wrote a book called Going Public which really helped us in our decision regarding public school vs continuing to homeschool, which obviously ended up being a huge grace for us.  Justus has been in the hospital for going on 21 days with viral encephalitis and is still in an induced coma.  We can only imagine what an intense storm this is for his family.....his grandfather has been posting daily updates on his status and how to pray.  Please take a moment to read about him here and their God sightings and prayer requests.  Recently, two well known members joined TeamJustus!
https://www.facebook.com/groups/743508859110720/  Please join in praying for TeamJustus!


                  

MTHFR and the Knife Guy who Prayed For Me.

It is an odd title, I admit.  But I'm hoping it caught your attention.   And please stick with me through this longer than normal post.

MTHFR is a genetic mutation that affects your body's ability to methylate.  Yep, I didn't know what that meant at first, but I've learned a good bit over the weekend since I got my lab results back on Friday afternoon.

But first - the knife guy.  I just had to share this story.  I'll try to be brief and get back to MTHFR....

A couple weekends ago we went on a family outing to a downtown artisan and farmer's market.... there were some interesting vendors to include a local, clean/green restaurant that is also raising awareness of GMOs, a local farmer selling some delicious lamb, a group promoting safe biking and had a bike set up with a blender on the back which allowed you to make a smoothie by pedaling!, and finally on our way out we saw a vendor with a sign for knife sharpening services.  This was the most exciting part for me.
We had talked about getting our knives sharpened for a while because I could tell I was putting a good bit more muscle into cutting than I should.....(happens when you don't sharpen your knives for 13 years).

I contacted the owner during the week about getting my knives sharpened and long story short he picked them up, personally, from my home and I coordinated to meet him and pick them up the next day.  While we were talking I mentioned that I had started teaching some classes and would love to spread the word about his business.  I finally told him how the passion to teach classes started from a cancer diagnosis.....and go figure, he share that he used to be a True Food Kitchen cook...which is a concept developed partly by Dr. Weil...with the idea that good, healthy food also TASTES good. http://www.truefoodkitchen.com/  This guy is a REAL chef, that knows the value of healthy food and knows how to make it taste good and actually earned money doing it.  :)

As if that wasn't exciting enough, he then asked "Are you a Christian?".  Totally out of the blue.  And I said "yes, are you?".  Next thing you know he asks if he can pray for me and ready, set, go, he puts out his hands and there I am in the parking lot where I thought I was going to merely pick up my sharpened knives and now I'm also being prayed for.  I drove home just amazed that God had orchestrated all that.  My knife sharpener just prayed for me in public to be healed from cancer.  Crazy God Cool.

If y'all are in the area and what his info, let me know.  :)

Onto MTHFR.  What's the big deal about methylation?

"Methylation is a core process that occurs in all cells to help your body make biochemical conversions.  When people with genetic mutations is MTHFR are exposed to toxins, they have a harder time getting rid of them which can cause some very serious illnesses.  The methylation process is responsible for:

• Cellular Repair: synthesis of nucleic acids, production & repair of DNA & mRNA
• Detoxification and Neurotransmistter  Production:  interconversion of amino acids
• Healthy Immune System Function:  formation & maturation of red blood cells, white blood cells & platelet production

The 677T variant is most commonly associated  with early heart disease and stroke and the 1298C variant with a variety chronic illnesses, but either anomaly can cause a wide variety of health problems.  The MTHFR anomaly is reported out as heterozygous or homozygous.  If you are heterozygous that means you have one affected gene and one normal gene.  Your enzyme activity will run at about 60% efficiency compared to a normal.

If you are homozygous or have 2 abnormal copies, then enzyme efficiency drops down to 10% to 20% of normal, which can be very serious."

http://doccarnahan.blogspot.com/2013/05/mthfr-gene-mutation-whats-big-deal.html

Having this genetic mutation also means that your body cannot effectively use folic acid..."

Having MTHFR is also associated with cardiovascular risks:  

"Individuals with low activity of the MTHFR enzyme may present with elevated homocysteine levels, which have been associated with inflammation and heart disease, birth defects, difficult pregnancies, and potentially an impaired ability to detoxify.

Nutrient deficiencies in Folate, B6 and B12 have been associated with elevated homocysteine.

Individuals with the MTHFR gene actually have a difficult time processing folic acid that is present in most cheap supplements and added to processed foods. Some professionals claim that this type of folic acid may even cause a build-up in the body leading to toxicity. Studies have been done that showed folic acid supplements increased cancer risk… one more reason to ditch processed foods and your multivitamin!"

http://www.thyroidpharmacist.com/blog/mthfr-hashimotos-and-nutrients

My lab results showed elevated homocysteine levels which is associated with risk of stroke and heart attack.  And another test result showed that I had thickening/stiffening of my heart walls.  Now bear with me on this y'all, but is it, could it be possible, that through cancer, God helped me avoid a heart attack?  Never in a gazillion years would I have considered myself at risk for heart attack, but the numbers don't lie.  Sure, just because you have a 'risk' for something doesn't mean you actually end up getting it, but I am glad to know I have this risk and figure out how to minimize it.  

Also, MTHFR is said to inhibit your body's ability to detoxify.  And it is being widely documented that many environmental toxins are associated with increasing your cancer risk.  The Environmental Working Group, EWG, http://www.ewg.org/ is a great resource for identifying chemicals in your food, household cleaners and cosmetics that are harmful and possibly carcinogenic.  They also provide a list of great, 'clean' resources to swap out. 

Even the World Health Organization made a statement recently, identifying Glyphosate, as probably carcinogenic.  

"Earlier this month, the World Health Organization’s International Agency for Research on Cancer announced findings that glyphosate, the main ingredient in Monsanto’s RoundUp line of pesticides, is “probably carcinogenic to humans.” The research,published in The Lancet Oncology, relies on studies conducted on the chemical over the last few decades.

Use of glyphosate – which the EPA has deemed safe — has soared in the last two decades with the introduction of crops genetically engineered to withstand the herbicide. Glyphosate is also a main ingredient in a new product called “Enlist Duo” recently introduced by Dow Chemical."  http://www.pbs.org/newshour/rundown/roundup-ingredient-probably-carcinogenic-humans/

"The International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC) – WHO’s cancer agency – said that glyphosate, the active ingredient in the herbicide made by agriculture company Monsanto, was “classified as probably carcinogenic to humans”.

It also said there was “limited evidence” that glyphosate was carcinogenic in humans for non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma.

Monsanto, the world’s largest seed company, said scientific data did not support the conclusions and called on WHO to hold an urgent meeting to explain the findings. “We don’t know how IARC could reach a conclusion that is such a dramatic departure from the conclusion reached by all regulatory agencies around the globe,” said Philip Miller, Monsanto’s vice-president of global regulatory affairs." http://www.theguardian.com/environment/2015/mar/21/roundup-cancer-who-glyphosate-

Again, I am not a scientist.  I am merely a cancer (hope to be SURVIVOR) fighter trying my best to plug through all the research, articles, books the best I can with discernment.  I am constantly learning and hoping to share what may be helpful to know.  

Just putting two and two together, I now know that I have a genetic mutation that inhibits my body's ability to process some key nutrients, effectively use one of the most powerful antioxidants, glutathione, and detoxify.  According to all that I have read ALL of this contributes to an increased risk for cancer.  I go back to my appointment at MD Anderson where my doctor told me that getting cancer is 'sporadic' and I say,  Nope.  It is not sporadic.  There is a CAUSE.  I don't know THE cause, but I am beginning to understand that there is a landscape in which people are at more risk for cancer.  I applaud the sentiment to 'run for the cure', but I would love to see more 'run for the cause'.  Because let's face it.  Wouldn't you rather PREVENT cancer than detect it?  I'm super thankful for the ability to detect and I believe it has helped save lives through early intervention.  But I hope and pray to continue spreading knowledge about how to prevent cancer, not just detect it.  

Here is another great link by Wellness Mama about MTHFR.  http://wellnessmama.com/27148/mthfr-mutation/

And another great resource by Dr. Lynch.  http://mthfr.net/

And just for kicks, I also found out that I have adrenal fatigue.  More to come on that next time......  

Mission and My Friend's Dream

I finally had the chance to talk to one of my dearest friends over the phone last week.  My soul friend from Colorado.  She's one of those gals that is not only beautiful on the outside, but has a sincere depth in her soul that I admire and respect and love about her.

She called to tell me a dream she had about me.

I'll get to the dream in a minute.....

In the meantime, I am somewhat embarrassed with what I'm about to share.  I don't have a great way to explain it.  But I felt like everywhere I looked I saw tragedy and death.  From the global tragedy of ISIS, national disasters, listening to friends who are struggling with not knowing the future of their sick babies, a dead bird on the sidewalk of our morning walk route....I just felt overwhelmed with what I'll call for lack of a better word, 'death sightings'.   The embarrassing part is that part of me wanted to run from it all - in a sense I didn't want to embrace these tragedies...I wanted to get as far from them as possible.  Having cancer and rough surgeries kind of feels like coming face to face with death.  Let me be clear, though:  I know that my physical death is not the end and that my future is in Heaven with God, the Lord Almighty.  But for some reason, I just felt like death/the end of earthly things was always right around the corner.  I just wanted to ignore it all.  And I kind of did.

Then we were sitting in church listening to a guest pastor preach about being on mission for Christ.  Being intentional about sharing the good news of Life Eternal with the broken.  It was a very relevant message, but I had no idea how relevant.  He shared some stories of how his church back home was investing in their community, specifically a young lady....it was a very sweet story and then all the sudden I heard him say 'she passed away after being diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer'.  Whew.  My heart kind of skipped a beat...not the good kind of 'skipped a beat'.  I felt like God was literally telling me to 'pay attention' to what I'm sharing with you.

Because for whatever reason.  Not due to my own merit.  Not due to any righteousness of my own.  Not due to anything else other than God.  Not due to anything I have done/accomplished.  For whatever reason, God in His mercy, has granted me a second chance.  I don't understand why I was able to find cancer in the earlier stages vs. a metastasized cancer.  I don't understand why I was given a glimpse of the Angel.  There is nothing I have done to earn this second chance.  It is sheer Grace from the Maker of the Universe.  That's it.  Nothing of me, all by His Grace, I have been given a second chance.  I have no idea how many years this second chance includes...none of us do.  I just know that this second chance involves a mission.

And part of that mission is to share Good News with the broken and those that don't know Him.  That's it, pure and simple.  This can look different from day to day.  Somedays I feel like I've blown it before the clock even reads 8:30, kids are whining and this momma is short on Grace.  But my 'second chance' means I dust myself off and get my 'rear in gear'.

Back to my friend's dream.  There was a funny background to the dream where she, Rich and I were in the Army together....but at some point I was in a terrible wreck/accident.  After the wreck she and I were hugging and through tears and the smoke I looked down and realized that I was not hurt.  Despite the terrible wreck, I was okay.  Talk about making me cry.  Can I say how powerful words of Hope and Future are for me these days?  I was in a terrible wreck, but I was okay.  I don't know what this dream specifically means for the future, but I do know that it took my breath away when she told me about it.

I was in a terrible wreck called cancer.  But His Mercy sustains me.  So I am now on mission.  To share His Hope and Love for the broken and lost.

I have said before that food has nothing to do with the salvation of your soul.  It has zilch to do with where your soul resides.  That said, part of my mission is to share how to be good stewards of the bodies given us by our Creator.

I mentioned that this post would be about carbohydrates, which has gotten a bad rap these days.  With all the gluten-free, 'don't eat rice because of arsenic', atkins, paleo, 'apples are a bad fruit because they have too many carbs', count your carbs type of food trends it is hard to know what is what.

First, we have to differentiate between types of carbohydrates.  Bread has carbohydrates.  So does spinach.  So does an apple.  Not all carbohydrates are equal.  I think the most common trend is being 'grain free'.  This refers mostly to those who are gluten free (although there are a ton of other grains, too!) due to sensitivity or being diagnosed with Celiac's.  You've probably heard about the theory behind grains, specifically, wheat and why it is wreaking havoc on the health of so many...how the crop was hybridized (for reasons other than nourishment or health!) to create a higher yield and it contains much higher levels of gluten than the original version.  Not to mention the crops that are GMOs (much more of that later....).

Here is our family's practice of grains.  We eat grains.  It includes homemade sourdough bread, soaked and sprouted grains.  That's about it.  Ezekial Bread and Angelic House Bakery are some brands that offer these options.  This is how we balance grains and carbohydrates:  We fill up on the most nutritious/nourishing carbohydrates first, then add in a slice of toast/roll/wrap.   What does that look like?  At dinner, I've started offering my kids their veggies (again, veggies DO have some carbohydrates) first (some get bigger portions than others...the key is they TRY it), then the main meal.  Seconds are offered after another serving of veggies.  After they are full dessert is offered.

It simply allows me to get our kiddos used to the taste of veggies (I read it can take up to 30 times of exposing a kid to a new taste before they accept it!), and I take advantage of their hungry appetites when they are more likely to just eat something because they are hungry.  Hope that helps and makes sense.

For now, my mini mission includes getting this crew to swim lessons and back with momma's sanity in check!  :)

            

For the First Time

It is a gorgeous day here.  And for the first time we just did a family 5K!  And for the first time in a lloooong time, I ran more than a mile.  And for the first time, I actually prayed before the race.  See, we signed up for this race a while ago with the idea that Rich and one of the older two kids would do the 5K run and I would walk and push the stroller with the little ones.  Cause I just wasn't all that sure I could do it.  But somehow, come the day of the race, we decided to give it a try and see if all 7 of us could stick together for the 5K.  With two bikes and two strollers, we did it!  But I wasn't thinking too far ahead and planning for the ride/run there and back which was about another 3 miles.  Once I started doing the math (like the night before), I was really wondering if this was a good idea for me....  so I prayed that I would just be able to do it.  No personal records or even looking pretty...just finish.  Because honestly, I don't feel 'in shape', but since my kiddos wanted to run, I was in (oh God, please help me.  eeks. )

The sweatshirts were quickly ditched!  

This boy used to be in OT once a week!  SO proud of him for finishing....and a little bribery goes a long way.  aka chocolate milkshake smoothie!  :)  

Anyway, all drama aside, we had a GREAT time.  The kiddos did great and we had a really, really fun family morning.  And after getting home, I kind of started diminishing the accomplishment....because I didn't exactly run fast...but a phrase came to mind that a friend passed on to me a while ago.  Give yourself some Grace.  God is Good.  Five months ago I couldn't even feed myself.  God is Good.  And I read something important in a book called Treasuring Christ When Your Hands Are Full by Gloria Furman.  Though it was speaking specifically about parenting, it applies in so many ways.  "If we want to give grace to our children, then first we must be willing to receive it ourselves from God." (p. 63)





So, I am going to receive His Grace and say a big 'ol yippe!  We did it!  We ran a family 5K.  :)

And before I mention a few more specifics about my cancer battle plan, can I emphasize again that in this pursuit of what is sometimes called 'clean eating' let's have grace.  For each other and ourselves.  There can be a lot of judgment in the area of health and wellness, but let's not forget the grace that has been lavished on us folks, and remember the reason behind 'eating clean'.

I love this quote framed in my friend's kitchen.... I think I have mentioned/posted this before, but I wanted to include it again.

"O God, bless this food which has been set before us.  May it nourish our bodies to make us stronger so that we will be more fit to serve Thee.  In God's name we ask it.  Amen. "  

Since the last post so many have been SO encouraging!  Thank you for cheering me on.  To say it means a lot is a huge understatement.  Truly, thank you for the encouragement, friends. 

And some are curious about more specifics so I'll keep sharing with a few caveats:

1) I am learning as I go.  If you have stuff to share with me, awesome, please do!  If you have seen something counter to what I share, please let me know!  As I mentioned earlier, I pray all the time for discernment between the real deal and quackery. 

2) I am not a scientist.  Nor do I hold any fancy schmancy degrees.  I simply research, listen and read as much as I can and rely on the research of those with the degrees.  Just because I do something and it works for me, I can't call it 'evidence-based', which is the gold standard.  But I can tell you the positive effects of what we do  - how I feel, how much energy I have, how my tastebuds have changed, and the lack of negative effects.  

3) I don't ascribe to a specific diet.  I am not on a paleo, whole-30, vegetarian, raw, atkins, ketogenic, or calorie counting diet.  As far as diet goes, we simply eat nourishing foods that are as close to it's original source as possible.  Hope that makes sense and answers some questions about 'what kind of diet I follow.'  

That said:  a few things regarding my last post about sugar.  This one relates to my kids:  in our home, we've cut out sugar.  I don't cook or bake with sugar (white refined sugar).  Our kiddos aren't big enough to cook for themselves yet so they have to eat what I make.  Trust me, that does NOT mean my kids are angelic little eaters who say, yes, more kale, please.   But as their tastebuds have changed, they do appreciate how sweet fruit and berries are!  And there are so many, many dessert recipes out there you can make with alternate sweeteners.  But on the flip side, when they are at school I have zero control over their snacks so they still do eat sugar.  It is what it is.  And when we go to a birthday party, they do have cake. :)  I don't love the selection of treats and snacks offered, but I'm okay with those treats because it is more along the lines of an occasional treat vs having sugar with every single meal.  Hope that makes sense.  

As I mentioned earlier:  I'm not on a specific diet, other than a 'kick-cancer's-@ss-' diet.  Let's start with the macronutrients: 1) protein 2) carbohydrates and 3) fats.

Regarding protein, it is hugely important as the building blocks for our body.  It helps our body heal and repair and grow.  We need protein.  Simple as that.  But there is a difference in quality of protein.  We choose grass fed local beef over conventional beef for a few reasons.  Grass fed beef has higher levels of CLA (conjugated linoleic acid) which has been shown to fight cancer.  http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16500874

"CLA has been shown in numerous animal studies since 1994 to promote health and fight disease. From cancer fighting to weight loss, CLA is being touted worldwide as a ‘must have’ in your diet for optimal health today and into tomorrow. CLA has also been shown to reduce the risk for heart disease (The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, May 2010.)" http://draxe.com/cancer-fighting-cla-higher-in-grass-fed-beef/

Grass fed beef also has a higher ratio of Omega-3's and less hormones (cancer cells thrive in an environment with excess hormones like estrogen).  

"Another benefit of omega-3s is that they may reduce your risk of cancer.  
In animal studies, these essential fatty acids have slowed the growth of a wide array of cancers and kept them from spreading.⁵  Although the human research is in its infancy, researchers have shown that omega-3s can slow or even reverse the extreme weight loss that accompanies advanced cancer.⁶  They can also hasten recovery from cancer surgery.⁷  Furthermore, animal studies suggest that people with cancer who have high levels of omega-3s in their tissues may respond better to chemotherapy than people with low levels.⁸ Omega-3s are most abundant in seafood and certain nuts and seeds such as flaxseeds and walnuts, but they are also found in grassfed animal products.  
The reason that grassfed animals have more omega-3s than grainfed animals is that omega-3s are formed in the green leaves (specifically the chloroplasts) of plants. Sixty percent of the fat content of grass is a type of omega-3 fatty acid called alpha-linolenic or LNA"  http://www.americangrassfedbeef.com/grass-fed-natural-beef.asp

Another 'plus' is that "CLA reduces body fat but not body weight in healthy exercising humans of normal body weight.".  http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11725826

On the flip side, the jury is still out on the effects of consuming meat and whether or not it raises your risk for cancer.  Some say yay, some say nay.  I haven't come to a conclusion yet, so in the meantime, we consume meat in moderation and also focus on consuming complete protein from plant sources (hemp hearts, chia seeds, quinoa are all great options!).   To be more detailed, as a family of seven, our meat consumption for one week includes about 1 1/2 lbs of grass fed beef, one whole organic chicken and wild caught salmon.  Obviously, different folks in our family eat different amounts based on needs (i.e. Rich eats more meat protein than I do!), but this has become a good balance for us.  

You can get grass-fed meat, free range poultry and wild seafood from a local farmer (we split half a cow with another family) or these great sources: U.S. Wellness Meats http://grasslandbeef.com/, Wise Choice Market http://www.wisechoicemarket.com/, Tropical Traditions http://www.grassfedtraditions.com/grass_fed_beef.htm, Vital Choice Wild Seafood and Organics http://www.vitalchoice.com/shop/pc/viewCategories.asp?idCategory=279.  

Hope that helps for now, and I'll discuss more about carbohydrates next time!       

  

Here goes nothing

I have started and erased, started and erased this post a few too many times.

Some folks have asked for the specifics on what I am currently doing for cancer treatment.

And there's also a question of 'do I still have cancer'?  Well, yes.  and no.  Different docs have given me different opinions based on my pathology report..'you have clean margins'...'you don't have clean margins'.....all docs agree, though, that my treatment should include chemotherapy and radiation.  

I guess it's obvious by now, though, that we are taking a different route.

Both the conventional and alternative worlds agree that everyone has precancerous cells in their bodies.  So what makes these precancerous cells turn into actual cancer?  Here is where the conventional and alternate paths diverge:  My conventional docs say it is 'random' and 'sporadic' and 'it just happens'.  Because only roughly 10% of breast cancer is genetic.  The rest 'just happens'.  The alternate opinion is that our immune system is what keeps these precancerous cells in check.  When our immune system is compromised in a significant manner, precancerous cells are given the opportunity and the right conditions to turn into actual cancer.  Ty Bollinger, a huge advocate for information on 'alternate' cancer treatments, describes the root cause of cancer as a compromised immune system.  

Can I post another disclaimer once again here????  There is not one bit of judgement or condemnation in the following posts that I will write about my cancer fighting regime.  Nada.  Not an iota.  Please read that again.  Regardless of what you or someone you know chooses for their cancer treatment, I am not here to judge.  My heart is to share what I know and let the decision be yours.  I feel like I've gained a wealth of incredible information over the last six months and I am just bursting at the seams to share.  And so much of what I've learned can be used in conjunction with conventional treatment like chemotherapy and radiation.  A cancer battle is deeply personal....I had no idea how hard decisions would be for us.  So, again.  No judgement here.  Just encouragement and a desire to share what I have learned and continue to learn.

And in regards to learning:  one of the most invaluable, intangible skills I gained through college was the ability to learn.  The practice of teaching and educating myself....learning how to learn.  I was not a fan of the Thayer method (where you basically teach yourself and ask questions in class), but geesh, I am so thankful for it now.  Much of my learning has been through books, articles, internet and interviews....along the way I have definitely encountered some 'quackery' and you quickly learn to discern real, evidence based research from the quacks.  One of my prayer is to always have this discernment.

I'm so nervous about sharing more specifics about my cancer fighting regime.  And I say cancer fighting because that's what this is.  I am not preventing it.  I've already had it.  boo.  Now I fight it the best I can everyday.

My kiddos had their first swim team practice yesterday.  Of course, we had the most unseasonal weather.  We live in the desert and have had gorgeous weather all week yet a thunderstorm broke out just before practice.  It subsided in time so my kiddos hopped in the pool and shivered their way through their very first practice.  I was so proud of them.  Not because of their mileage or how awesome their technique was (at some point Ada just hung on to the neck of her coach :)), but because they jumped into that chilly water in some less than favorable conditions and made it to the end.  I am proud of them just for trying despite being uncomfortable and a little nervous.  So it's their momma's turn.

I'm a bit uncomfortable with sharing the specifics and hugely nervous, but life wasn't meant to be played in a 'safe' arena.  One of my favorite quotes is from The Chronicles of Narnia, describing Aslan:  "He isn't safe, but he is good."  What I hope to continue sharing may not be safe, but it is goodness that I feel convicted to share.

The simplified overview of what I am doing right now is a lifestyle that involves:
1) optimizing my immune system.  Did you know that 80% of your immune system is located in your gut??  I'm fascinated with the microbiome right now.  
2) Nutrition has been the gateway for my cancer fighting regime.  This includes, yes, organic and non-GMOs. (you can argue that organic and non-GMOs may cost more, but I consider it an investment.  Besides, it's cheaper than our latest bill from MD Anderson!
3) Removing toxins (environmental, cosmetic, household cleaners, etc.)
4) supplementing for the micronutrients that I may be deficient in (I read a study where every single breast cancer patient was deficient in magnesium)
 5) finding alternate, natural, plant based sources of cleaners and cosmetics.  There is so much research regarding the efficacy of therapeutic grade essential oils (there is some serious science behind this!)
6) managing stress.  I used to disregard the significance of stress because I'm not the personality to sit by the road side and cry, but I am learning about stress in a new way.  If you had someone honking a horn at you every few minutes during the day, you would be stressed.  Based on your personality, you may not visibly react to it, but your body reacts in a 'fight' or 'flight' mode and that is what a 'stressor' is.

As I mentioned, nutrition has been the gateway for learning about overall health and wellness.  In my recent hands on nutrition class one of the first things I taught about was sugar.  Refined white table sugar.  There is zero nutritional value in it.  http://www.westonaprice.org/health-topics/replacing-refined-sugars-with-natural-sugars-one-step-at-a-time/. 

" ...Refined sugar contains no fiber, no minerals, no proteins, no fats, no enzymes, only empty calories. What happens when you eat a refined carbohydrate like sugar? Your body must borrow vital nutrients from healthy cells to metabolize the incomplete food. Calcium, sodium, potassium and magnesium are taken from various parts of the body to make use of the sugar."  http://rense.com/general45/sguar.htm

It only harms.  It is addictive (don't believe me?  just trying cutting out all refined white sugar for just three days)  I'm not talking about sugar in the form of glucose which our bodies need as fuel for our cells (think fruits and veggies).  I'm talking about the refined white table sugar that somehow has found it's way into almost every ingredient label and is in almost every kid cereal, snack bar, drink, sauce, condiment, etc.  Some folks can go cold turkey (cancer was a good motivator for me!), but if you can't go cold turkey, at least limit it.  Maybe you pay attention to labels a little more and choose products that have less than 10g of sugar and gradually decrease from there.  Maybe you go from 3 sodas a week to 1.  Maybe it means dessert after only dinner vs every meal or just four times a week.  Whatever works for you, whatever is achievable, go for it.  We are sugar laden and it is wreaking havoc on our health.  I launched cold turkey into dropping sugar when I learned that sugar fuels cancer.  

Now see how that can sound so judgmental and a bit like 'don't eat this, don't drink that, don't use this, don't, don't, don't...'  So, here's my 'do's'.  In moderation, do use natural sweeteners.  So far I haven't seen research against the use of stevia.  Local raw honey provides nutritional benefits.  Grade B Maple Syrup.  Black Strap Molasses.  Dates.  Just to name a few.  Here is a site with some great information regarding natural sweeteners. http://draxe.com/natural-sweeteners/ 

If you have any more questions regarding sugar, feel free to ask!  If someone who used to have ice with cereal for breakfast can cut out sugar, then so can you.  :)