The Fire

There are a million thoughts swirling through my head so bear with me while I try to capture as much as I can in a coherent manner before I sign off for a while.

To say we have been loved upon is an understatement of the year.  It's like saying I caught a minor cold.  :)  I am so humbled by the ways so many have shown us their love and encouragement....so many tangible ways to remind me that even though I have to physically take some of the steps on my own tomorrow, I am most certainly not alone.  We are not alone.  Our whole family has a band of warriors fighting alongside us and holding us up when we just simply can't do it on our own.

Several times over the past few days, I have heard the phrase 'keep you warm' from different people....on different continents regarding their prayers for me.  I've heard it repeated so many times that I actually asked a friend what made her write that in her e-mail....I said I just happened to hear it several times and was wondering if I had missed something?  :)  She said 'I don't even have a good explanation of why I said to be warm'.  Isn't God crazy good in how He speaks to us sometimes?  It's this phrase that keeps getting repeated to me by different people and I know there is a reason for it.
As if that wasn't enough, I received this precious quilt in the mail on Friday morning.  We were blown away.  To say I love it is again, an understatement.  I just have to show it off.

Several friends helped put this together, picking out fabric, sewing and sending a 'blessing ring' with it that includes verses and encouragement.  It is absolutely precious to me.  I will take it to the hospital with me and hope to see it's colors when I wake up.  :)  

On a different note, I just feel compelled to respond to folks who have commented that I seem strong or courageous.  Because I don't feel either.  The only reason why my surgeon won't see my bare bottom with my gown flapping behind me as I try to escape the OR is because of the Grace of God.  I am terrified, but will manage to take one step after another tomorrow by the Grace of God.  I am sad, but know that the tears only last for a little while, by the Grace of God.  I am broken hearted, but have felt comfort because of the Grace of God.  I dread the poking, prodding and pain, but know that I have a powerful God to lean into because He is gracious.  Any good that I have is only by the Grace of God.  I can never claim to have any strength of courage to get through this aside from the Grace of God.  I am thankful to know Him and know that He loves me and that through Him I can do all things.  

Another comment that I have heard from different friends is how even though I may feel like I am walking through a fire, I will not be burned.  In fact, one friend, who has been through unimaginable fire herself, encouraged me with something she learned during her own trial.  That not only will I not be burned, I won't even smell like smoke. :)       

                           

I may smell like a bonfire tomorrow morning because we enjoyed one more family fire and sunset tonight, though.  :)  I took this picture tonight and thought that even though we are walking through fire right now, there is a beautiful sunset at the end.

And here is the basic rundown for tomorrow:

We will arrive at the hospital around 7.  I will have some blood work done (one to confirm that I am not pregnant...hello?  Did we miss the part where I gave birth a month ago?????) and then go to nuclear medicine for the ever dreaded dye injection.  Once that is complete I will go to the OR.  My surgeon said to expect to be in the OR between 9 and 10.  He said surgery may take around 5 hours.  So hopefully, by the time my older two are done with school, I'll be done with surgery.  :)

Please continue to pray for my surgeons and staff.  Please pray, pray, pray for a negative biopsy.
Please continue to lift up my family - for Rich, the kids and my mom as she stays home with the kids.   My husband was a champ and did an amazing job of finally telling the kids that I'm sick and will be going to the hospital and return with some bandages.  :)  I'm so thankful they are too young to worry about me ... the world is right as long as their dad sings jingle bells to them at bedtime.  :)

We love you and are so grateful for the family and friends who have surrounded us and lifted us up before the throne of God.

Much Hartney love,
Rich, Jen, reagan, vera, ada, téa and raleigh

 

I finally cried

tears of JOY!

We officially received our lab results yesterday.  My doctor called on Monday night with the results and started off by saying my results were 'complicated'.  I didn't realize that I had been holding my breath until she said 'but your BRCA1 and 2 (the ones that are directly related to breast cancer) test is negative' and I had tears of such relief, joy and thanks.  I felt like a load of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders.  Something I haven't shared yet is that I had been feeling really burdened with the possibility of having passed on this gene to my four daughters.  I was carrying around some guilt and fear and hearing that my results were negative was such relief.  At first my husband thought something was wrong because I was crying, but I was just SO thankful for the negative results.  The 'complicated' part is that the test did pick up several mutations that seem rare, but at this time there isn't enough research to know if there is any significance to them.  So, for the next 6 months I am in a 'high risk' category, but there isn't much more to it.  Praise God.  Thank you, Lord, for the negative results.

My surgery date is scheduled for Monday, December 1st.  Yep, that's right after the Thanksgiving weekend....let's hope no one on my surgical team goes too heavy on the eggnog.  :)  The biggest decision we are trying to make right now is what type of surgery to have - geesh, who knew you had SO many options and factors in deciding between a lumpectomy, single mastectomy and double mastectomy!  It's a bit overwhelming....to the point that I asked my own 'panel' of advisors for their advice/input.  I felt too deep in the details to think through it all clearly with the big picture in mind.  After praying, researching, asking a ton of questions, I had two thoughts.  1) - I am praying for a peace regarding our decision...an overwhelming peace.  Not that I would necessarily 'like' the decision, but that the right one for us would be clearly revealed through His peace that surpasses all understanding.  and 2) One of my biggest fears is looking like 'frankenstein' afterwards.  I mean, we're talking about some very personal part of my anatomy.  Basically, I will have a form of an amputation and then it is up to a plastic surgeon to recreate what mother nature gave me.  There is science involved, but there is also a lot of 'art'.  And due to restrictions/policies with the Army, my plastic surgeon doesn't have any pictures of his 'art' for me to see.

Now let me tell you how crazy good God is:  I was feeling discouraged about not being able to see any pictures of my plastic surgeon's 'art', but as my surgeon stepped out of the room, the nurse told us how 'good' he is.  She said she was really impressed with his skill.  That helped a little bit, but not really.  Then the Lord reminded me of a friend who had mentioned that she had a procedure done by a plastic surgeon at our same hospital.  I texted her and asked some more details and whether she would be willing to tell me the doc's name.  She had the same doc I have and said he was great!  And she chose him specifically because she was a nurse and used to take care of his patients post op and said he wasn't just a good 'artist' but that he was really good with his patients post op as well.  Hello!  Isn't God good in how He quiets my fears?  And to know that so many events were lined up prior to that day....

                                       This is a rainbow I saw on the way home from church....
                          I consider rainbow sightings extracool when you live in the desert.  :)

I listened to a sermon from an old pastor and was also amazed at how God spoke to my soul.  He spoke about a passage from Exodus 17 where the Israelites fight against the Amalekites (and how cool that our current pastor has also been preaching from Exodus!!!!).  He talked about how as Christians we are to fight on the outside as if it depended on us, but fight on the inside as if it all depended on God.  In other words, fight like crazy with all you've got - your energy, strength and mind, but remember that there is another battle to wage in our souls where it all depends on God.  It's not about just one or the other, but both.  Because what I've learned is that this cancer threatens to kill and destroy my physical body.  And that sucks.  (Can we pause for a moment and just own that?  Yep, feel free to say it.  Cancer sucks.).  BUT, more importantly it also wants me to feel sorry for myself, focus on just myself, use it as an excuse to be grouchy with my family, obsess about my diet and use it as license to do basically whatever I want to do.  And it's where I know that the prayers of family and friends are fighting on our behalf.  We know it and feel the evidence of this battle being waged for us.  Please, keep it up!  We need your prayers.....this battle has only just begun.  I 'enter the ring' in less than 5 days and I will be totally honest and say that I am dreading the day.

And that's where another concept called 'refrigerator friends' comes in.  Our former pastor quoted this from another pastor (sorry, I'm totally failing in documenting these quotes, but bottom line - it's not my concept! :)).  These are the friends that can come over, feel free to open your fridge, eat your leftovers/make a sandwich and it's not weird!  In fact, it's just normal.  It's that level of intimacy where they don't wait for you to wave your hands in the air and have to say how overwhelmed you are - they just know.  And they step in without having to be asked.  They not just want to help, they actually step in and help.  These are the friends of life.  And as Thanksgiving comes up and I realize just HOW MUCH I have to be thankful for, these 'refrigerator' friends are near the top of my list.  The friends that want and are flying in from thousands of miles away to help take care of me and my family.  These friends that didn't need me to ask - they just offered.  And then they acted....probably because they knew I might never ask (yes, I could be called stubborn:)).  And as I think forward through what is to come, I had no idea how much I am looking forward to seeing these soul friends.

I feel like there is so much I forget in each post...., but I am convinced that His Glory is being revealed through my Good.  There is much Glory and Good to be had here (even if, can we say it again? cancer sucks.).  I know that we will look back on this journey and be in awe of how He worked in every detail.  Because none of this battle is in vain.  Every part is used for my good and His Glory.  And even though I can't explain the 'why' of this journey, I do know that it makes me want Him even more.  I don't necessarily want to know more facts.  I want to know Him. I want to know Him more as my daddy who says it's okay to take a break from fighting and rest in Him and I want to know Him more as my Lord who fights for me because I am the daughter of THE King.

And so here are our specific prayer requests:
1) during surgery they will biopsy my lymph nodes to determine if the cancer has spread.  We are praying for NEGATIVE results!
2) prior to surgery I will have some dye injected into me to see where the first/ 'sentinal' lymph nodes are.  I have heard some women say this hurt more than the rest of the procedure and compared it to child birth.  And I have to be alone for this process.  This occupies my thoughts more than the surgery itself (let's face it, I'll be under for several hours and at the point it will be the most sleep I've had in over a month! :)).  Pray for peace and yes, that perhaps my pain tolerance will be at an all time high that day :))
3)  for my friends who are putting their families and responsibilities on hold to come help.  That their families would be covered and cared for and that their children would see how incredible their mommas are.
4)  Again, for my surgical team.  That somehow, someway, even in a surgery that might be routine to them, they would see God's Glory (I'm not sure exactly what I'm asking for so I'll leave it at that).

I will try to post one more update before the surgery and at that point will ask my husband to take over since I will probably not be able to type (and he's a much better write than me!).

Happy Thanksgiving of all Thanksgivings to our family and friends.  We love you and covet the prayers and support.
     

From circus to orchestra.....and being tired.

I've said before that sometimes our car and our house feel like a circus.... when I look around I can almost sometimes hear circus music playing in the background.  Between having a baby, 11 doctor's appointments/scans/tests and adjusting to life with five kiddos, life has felt like a juggling act for the past few weeks.  We have had countless family and friends step in to encourage us, make meals for us, send us notes of encouragement, send gifts, watch kids, pick up older kids from school, clean the house, check in to see how we are doing - we have been loved on extravagantly.  Thank you so, so much.  

We know that others are also going through trials  - from the struggle with the everyday mundane to deployments and everything in between - and loving on us in the midst of that is a sacrifice and it does not go unnoticed.  

It's been our first week without appointments...which has given me a chance to do more research/ask more questions/prepare for the first step, which is surgery.  We met with our surgeon last Friday and during our conversation I mentioned something about praying...  and get this:  He said (something along the lines of ) "you know, it's funny that you  mention prayer because I've had four different occasions of different people mentioning that they were praying for you.  And they don't know that I know you, much less that I'm your surgeon (all in the name of doctor patient confidentiality)."  W.O.W.  Seriously, my surgeon is being shown that God is at work here.  And we are being shown that this situation/diagnosis/cancer and my life is not a circus.  God is orchestrating all things.  For our good.  And His Glory.  

As if that wasn't cool enough, a few days ago my husband got a call from a guy that we've never met.  He said his small group had been praying for us (again, we don't know this guy!) and through a series of events, he realized that we have a very good mutual friend - a friendship of over 10 years!  Have I said how crazy cool God is?  

Because here's the thing:  God doesn't have to show us these mercies.  He could just tell us in His word that He is faithful and good and leave it at that.  But nope, our God chooses to reveal His mercies to us continually because He knows what we need.  He knows when we need encouragement.  He knows when I need to see concrete evidence of His Glory being revealed through my good.  Our life is not a circus comprised of random events.  He is orchestrating all things, in control for our good and His glory.  It has always been, is and will continue to be all in His perfect hands.    

And now here's the nitty gritty:

1) As we wait for the surgery date to draw near, my tears seem closer to the surface.  Maybe it's because I don't have a bunch of appointments to distract me and because I'm having to wean Raleigh more and more,  Maybe it's because the reality of everything is finally starting to sink in.  Maybe it's because I'm tired.  Maybe it's because I have friends offering to fly in to help me post surgery and it makes me realize that this is a big deal.  Maybe it's all of it.  But I'm fighting more and more to keep the tears at bay because I don't want to give in quite yet.  The tears may flow days before surgery or the morning of surgery, or even after surgery, but for now, I'm just not ready for them to flow yet.  I'm not sure how to translate this into a prayer request, so I'll just leave this as it is for now.  

2) The morning of surgery, they will inject me with some dye to help determine where my 'sentinal' lymphnodes are for the biopsy.  There will be a wait of 45 min to 2 hours while we wait for the dye to spread..... pray that I would not run away from the hospital and hop a plane to a secluded island while I wait.  Pray that my nerves would be under control and for the peace that surpasses all understanding.  And you have suggestions for any fun, upbeat songs/playlist or something funny to read by all means pass it along (maybe some Michael Jackson's thriller?  I don't know...just something to distract me).  

3) After the lymphnode biopsy, they will send the cells to the lab to determine whether or not the cancer has spread.  During all the exams and scans, there has been no evidence that it has spread, but this will tell us for sure.  Pray that the lab results return negative.  That my lymphnodes would be clear.  This would mean I can avoid radiation.  Please pray that the cancer has not spread.  

4) While the lab is working on my results, the surgeon will proceed with the double mastectomy.  Please pray for my surgeon and his team - my surgeon's name is Luke.  Please pray not just for a competent team, but that somehow through all this, through my being their patient that they would see God's Glory.  That they would somehow see God in my cancer.  I have no idea how that would happen, but let's just pray for the doctors and nurses to be touched in a very real way.  

5) Once the mastectomy is complete, the plastic surgeon will step in for the reconstruction (which will be completed in phases).  Pray for him as well.  I'll call him Dr. Z.  Pray that He would see God in all this.  And I'll be a bit personal and honest here (as if I haven't been already???).  Please pray that His work is good - honestly, I want to be 'aesthetically happy' with his work.  Because I plan to kick this cancer in the tail and years down the road I'd really appreciate being happy with my 'girls'.  :)  

6) And please pray for the recovery - for no complications/infections.  That I would respond well to the surgery and anaesthesia.  That I would have a sense of peace as I see my 'new normal' self for the first time.  And please pray for for my family and friends who will be helping me during recovery...for grace upon grace on them as they deal with a 'sick and not so fun Jen' and put their needs/responsibilities on hold to help us.  

Here's a passage that I have been reminded of over and over again...and may you be encouraged by it as well:  

" For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of His Glory, He may grant you to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith - that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.  Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever.  Amen."  Hebrews 3: 14-21.  

Overwhelmed..... by Him

Overwhelmed.  I promised to keep it real here, right?

I don't like to go around saying 'I'm overwhelmed', but sometimes, it is what it is and quite frankly, I feel overwhelmed.

                                This is our messy kitchen after attempting new vegetarian/cancer fighting recipes
                                and breakfast.  The state of my kitchen is sometimes a reflection of how I feel.
                               

My mind seems on overdrive with research of cancer treatments, information regarding surgery (lumpectomy vs mastectomy), plastic surgery (yes, I'm vain and want reconstruction - thankful that our insurance covers it!), changing my diet to incorporate cancer fighting foods, supplements, weaning Raleigh in preparation for surgery, etc.  And I know that I'm not firing on all cylinders when I'm on a newborn sleep cycle.  :)  Friends and family can attest to that.  :)  And I'm not exactly the martha stewart of decorating for holidays or the equivalent in terms of running a household with little ones.  I just simply feel like I'm always behind on something.  And so I broke down the other night, after letting crankiness and grumpiness get the best of me, and told my husband just how overwhelmed I felt.  I feel like I'm in a race against time to get so much done before surgery and treatments knock me off my feet for a bit.  And I have no idea how we're going to 'get it all done' when I'm not operating at 100%.

So, there it is - the nitty, gritty of how I feel at times.  Just simply overwhelmed.

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you."  Psalm 55:2

But like I said - my feelings don't change the fact that God is Good.  Can I say that again?  God is good.  He is faithful.  He knows what I need before I even ask.  Don't believe me?  Think that it's just he power of positive thinking?  Here are just a few glimpses into how He has been whispering to me and reassuring me that He has all this in His hands.

1) I mentioned in a post the other day that I was sad for a bit.  Sad for the things that I know are to come and how they will affect my family and friends.  A friend who is a prayer saint of mine said she had been praying for me and just asking God how she could pray for me.  And guess what He revealed to her?  That I was sad.  So that's how she prayed for me - that in my sadness, which is ok, I would find peace and solace in Him, my daddy.  And THEN she read the post where I mentioned being sad.  Geesh, He had friends lifting me up in my sadness before I ever admitted that I was sad!  God is Good. He meets all my needs and knows my deepest desires.  "In your presence there is fullness of joy."  Psalm 16:11

2)  I went to dinner last night with some girlfriends (yes, one of the benefits of starting to wean and having a mom and husband who are willing to hold down the fort for the night to let me have a few hours off!).  I sat across from a beautiful gal that I've been getting to know over the last few months.  We talked a bit about my recent appointments, etc. and I mentioned that we had just met with the plastic surgeon.  And yup, I'm not exactly thrilled about surgery in general, but even more about the recovery. Wouldn't 'ya know?  This beauty, sitting across from me had a double mastectomy with reconstruction - pretty much the same exact procedure that I will be having!  And she was so gracious in sharing her tips, experience, reassurances and even some pictures of recovery.  And I felt some of the anxiety I have just melt away.  I mean, here I am talking and looking at this beauty who has been through what I'm about to face.  God knew that I needed someone to tell me that 'it'll be okay, and you will come through this just fine'.  Someone that has been through it and could talk from experience.  God is Good.

"I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!  Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord."  Psalm 27:13-14

3) An acquaintance of a friend/family was introduced to me recently because of her similar background battling breast cancer.  I have to confess that I am looking at all methods/treatments for this battle to include natural/alternative/holistic therapy in addition the conventional treatment of surgery/chemo/radiation.  And up to now, I don't feel a peace about chemo.  It's not just because I don't want my hair to fall out (we'll deal with that when/if the time comes and figure out to rock a bald head!), but I just don't feel at peace with it.  yet.  God may provide that in due time.  I don't know.  But I called this lady to hear her background and see what her situation was and any advice she may have.  Again - wouldn't 'ya know?  Her tumor was the exact same size as mine, her staging and grade was the same as well.  And she was one year older.  Really?  That's no coincidence.  She had so much to share with me about natural/alternative methods of treatment that she has pursued after her cancer returned when she followed a regiment of surgery/chemo/radiation.  God is Good.      

"This I know that God is for me."  Psalm 56:9
" Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisors, they succeed."  Provers 15:22

You want more evidence of how God continues to give me glimpses of HIS OVERWHELMING goodness to me?  Just ask - I have more to share.

And that's just where my 'I feel overwhelmed' met HIS overwhelming goodness to me.  His overwhelming Grace.  He keeps meeting my needs - physical, emotional, mental - everything.

We have another appointment with our surgeon today.  We'll discuss a tentative date of surgery for December 1st.  It depends on a few factors/coordinating with other surgeons/having the right stock for reconstruction on hand.

Honestly, it's not the date I was hoping for - my mom is in town and leaves December 5th, so that doesn't exactly maximize my recovery time with her help.  BUT, I'm choosing to not fight it or try to manipulate the date.  He keeps showing me that He has woven all details of this journey together and that He has already chosen the best date for my good and His Glory.  Because there's a bigger story here than just my battle with cancer.  As our pastor said so well, recently, it's about how He chooses to use our good to reveal His Glory.  Doesn't that blow you away?  That He chooses and works for our Good as a way to reveal His Glory.  So I will not fret about the date, but just trust and wait expectantly.

"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of Grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."  Hebrews 4:16

" But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning.  For you have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress.  O my strength, I will sing praises to you, for you, O God, are my fortress, the God who shows me steadfast love."  Psalm 59:16-17

Jigsaw puzzles, lego battles,Veteran's Day and the Giving Keys

Our car is a circus act.  Seriously.  We underestimated the challenge of fitting five car seats in our minivan.  The other night, all five kids were asleep, which means WE should be asleep, too, but we spent about 40 minutes in the garage trying to reconfigure everything.  It's not the best activity to choose when sleep deprived.  :)  We have a temporary solution, but still need to work on a better/workable solution...anyone want to trade a suburban for an Odyssey???  :)

As maddening as it felt, trying to figure out this jigsaw puzzle of car seats, it was somewhat of a welcome break from all the cancer research/appointments/tests/scans/questions/etc.  It just felt so normal to focus on car seats.  So, in a way, I'm thankful for our '2 booster + 2 harnessed car seats + 1 infant seat doesn't really fit in an Odyssey' problem.  It's a normal problem.  I'm a fan of normal right now.

And we have been blessed over and over again with friends dropping off meals, mailing snacks, gifts, passing along research, sending cards and gift cards.  I can't say how encouraging it has been, not to mention so helpful in practical ways.  The other night the kids wanted to have their lego battle with some newly acquired army figures.... and I was able to enjoy the 'battle' because I wasn't preparing dinner, or trying to find more research on line or running out to the store to pick something up.  What I'm trying to say is, the meals and gifts have been more than just meals and gifts...they have given me moments with the kids that I otherwise wouldn't get...and moments that may be limited in the near future.

On Friday, our kids' school had a Veteran's Day ceremony...very well done and topped off by a very cool fly over!  It was a sobering reminder of our friends, some of whom, have sacrificed much.  So much.  And I was reminded to pray for some friends and their relationship.  And we're praying for a little baby boy who is spending his first week in the NICU.  And I know you don't need cancer for the days of parenting littles ones to be hard and take their toll.  And for those friends who are doing it all while their spouse is deployed.  There is so much else to be prayed for than just my cancer.  And so know that I want to pray for you as well.  It's something I can do.

And for news on the cancer front:  we met with two different oncologists (one for chemo and one for radiation) this week and have been in touch with our surgeon trying to figure out a date for surgery.  The good news is that based on the MRI, the official measurement of my tumor is 1.9cm vs the 2.2 cm measurement from the ultrasound.  We won't really know the final size until surgery, but hey, I'll take smaller vs bigger!  :)  From the initial scans and exams, there is no sign that the cancer has spread into my lymph nodes.  They will do a procedure during surgery to officially determine whether or not cancer is in my lymph nodes...if the lab results come back as negative, then we are one huge step in the right direction!  And here is one of the best things I have heard all week:  from the mouth of the last oncologist we saw.  If my tumor is indeed smaller and 2cm, and if the lab results of lymph nodes come back as negative, I could officially be considered Stage 1 vs Stage 2!  This doesn't necessarily change my surgery, but it would be a huge encouragement to be considered Stage 1.

And of course, I promise to keep it real.  I can joke and have so many things to praise God for, but I am also very human and I struggle.  When it comes down to it, I don't want to do surgery, I don't want to do chemo, I don't want to do radiation, I don't want my kids to see me sick, I don't want my kids to see my bald, I don't want to see my body covered in scars with drains sticking out after surgery, I just don't want to have cancer.  But above all those things that I don't want, I DO want to fight this fight well and give God all the Glory.  All the good that comes from this and from my lips is because of God.  I want Him to be revealed in this fight.  I want more than ever before, for my kids to have such a deep foundation in God that when storms come their way, which they will, they will know where their anchor of Hope comes from.  I want you to pray for me in crazy, expectant ways, and be blown away when God answers your prayers.  I want you, my family and friends, to know Him better through this fight.  If I could go to bed and wake up to tell Rich about this crazy dream I had where I was diagnosed with cancer, I would.  But I've been given this fight and I'm going to do my darned best to kick some cancer tail and give God all the Glory.  You better keep me accountable to that!

And speaking of prayer, here are some specific requests we have:
1) figuring out an OR date:  we have to coordinate a few different surgeons and OR time and hope it all lines up to maximize my recovery while my mom is in town.  And I really need to have Raleigh Mae weaned by then.  We are looking at anywhere from the 14th, 17th or 1st or 5th of December.  Trusting God for the right date.

2) that the lab results from my biopsy would come back as negative.  It would give me the option of avoiding radiation (if I opt for a double/bilateral mastectomy).

3) that we have clarity of thought, wisdom and agreement from our doctors on what type of surgery to do - lumpectomy, mastectomy or double mastectomy with reconstruction.  And that when I wake up from surgery, I would have a peace that comes only from God as I see my 'new' body and learn to accept it.  And that we would avoid infections and complications.

4) that I would know how to prepare for recovery after surgery - I will have to wear different clothes, and have very limited movement/use of my arms; it will be a big adjustment and we're thinking through all the ways to prepare for it.

And to end on a positive note, my husband surprised me with a very cool gift today.  It's from a company called The Giving Keys.  It's a necklace with a key on it inscribed with 'blessed'.  Look it up for a better description, but the bottom line is it is a necklace that someday I hope to pass on to someone who may need the encouragement.  and I'll be able to tell them my story of cancer and how we beat it and all the ways that God revealed Himself.

A Good Day

A very good day.

Last Friday we had a very full day of appointments - mammogram, ultrasound and MRI.  I learned a few things... a mammogram machine could be considered a modern day torture device...ok, maybe I exaggerate, but I definitely think it was designed by a guy.  :)  An ultrasound of your armpits is soothingly non eventful.  :)  And I may be just a wee bit claustrophobic (note to self, check that box next time!).

By the grace of God the mammogram went as smooth as possible...I won't get into too many details, but considering I was one week into nursing, it could have been way, way worse, but God is so faithful - even in details regarding lactation.  :)

As I was being moved into the MRI machine I started to panic...it came out of nowhere because I had no idea that I would feel so claustrophobic.  I was laying on my tummy, arms stretched out in front, surrounded by some loud noises...imagine a wonder woman pose moving backwards on a conveyer belt. Maybe it was just the newness of it all or the sensory deprivation, but like I said I started feeling panicky.  I almost hit the tap out button, but did something my mother in law said she did during her MRI for her arm.  I just started singing a hymn.  It's a hymn that has been with me for a long time...from our engagement, through deployment, what I sing to the kids at night...I just started singing it over and over again to myself and prayed to get through the next 40 minutes.

"Come Thou fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing thy praise.  Streams of mercy never ceasing, call for songs of loudest praise."

As I came out of the MRI I joked with the techs that I felt like I should be wearing a cape because of the funny pose I was in..... until I almost fell down when I got up because I got super light headed.  But all in all, it is over.  :)

When I came out to the waiting room I found Rich with Raleigh and our surgeon!  He had come and found Rich to give us an update on more test results.

Here's where it gets really good:  based on the mammogram and ultrasound, the cancer has NOT spread.  Yep, yep - one big hurray!  And the 'markers' of my labs came back as HER - (her negative)...between HER negative and positive, negative is a good thing.  Another BIG hurray!  That was all SUCH GREAT NEWS.  And SO encouraging.  It felt good to just rest in the good news.

As I mentioned a few posts back, I also want to keep things real and be as transparent as possible so everyone knows that any strength and encouragement I have comes from God and God only.  I can take zero credit for any goodness.

In the middle of the night when I was feeding Raleigh and the whole house was quiet, a new feeling came over me.  Sadness.  I wasn't mad or afraid.  Just sad.  Because I know that this battle will take a toll.  It will physically take parts of my body in a very real way.  If we do chemo/radiation, it will take a toll on my family and friends.  I will lose moments with the kids, friends, family....and I don't have to mention that Thanksgiving and Christmas are right around the corner.  Will I be curled up in the corner or in my bed with my head covered in a bandana only having the energy to watch my family?  Yes, this battle will not be easy.  And so I had a few moments of sadness.

BUT, God promises to bring beauty from ashes.  He promises to restore the years the locusts have eaten.  In Hebrews 10, I am reminded that Christ, when He died for my sins, made access to God a very real and personal relationship.  And because He has already paved the way, I can  - am supposed to - approach Him with confidence that He hears me.  I can ask and know that He does not shoo me away or ignore me or minimize what I feel.  He hears me and desires my good and His Glory.

Today we meet with the oncologist where we will discuss options regarding chemo.  I am not thrilled.  at all.  I am a bit apprehensive.  But as a dear friend reminded me, (Matthew 6:8) He already knows what we need before we even ask.  That's pretty cool.