War Wounds, War Stories and Maybes.

This is one of those blogs that I've hesitated to write about multiple times, but I can't seem to get it out of my head and circumstances compel me to just go ahead and write the darn thing.  One thing I really dislike about public posts is that it leaves room for misunderstanding and judgement.  I'll make my disclaimer up front:  I have no intention of making anyone feel judged; in fact, my intent is the opposite....to offer encouragement for those who have experienced suffering or are walking through the fire right now.

Recently, I have heard of so many tough situations, much tragedy and plain ol' heartbreak.  A young lady who gets cancer in her 20's, a young family losing their much too young daddy, a couple losing their 12 year old daughter and only child, a young mom getting cancer, another mom receiving a stage 4 cancer diagnosis, a couple with a stillborn child.  Sometimes the heartbreak seems overwhelming.

I don't mean to be the bearer of only bad news.  There is much goodness in our lives, too.  Much to give thanks and praise Him for!  Yet, in the midst of all the good, how do we process the tough?  The suffering?  The trials?

Sometimes the scars bother me.  I mean, couldn't our sovereign God remove them?  Let us walk through the fire, complete the trial and then couldn't He just wave His proverbial magic wand and wipe away all evidence of the fight?  I found myself asking God, what's the point of all these scars?  Who needs them in heaven???  In all honesty, the scars don't bother me every day.  But on the days when I hear of heartbreak and then see the scars on my body, it almost feels like a punch to the gut of a permanent mark that won't go away.

And that's just physical scars.  What about the scars no one can see?  The young wife who bears the scar of being a much too young widow?  The family who bears the scar of being childless much too soon.  The kids, big and small, who bear the title of orphan.

And that's when this image came to mind  (Here's another disclaimer:  I am not claiming that any of this is theologically correct!  It's just the vision that came to mind):

I imagine that when we get to heaven, we may very well still bear our scars.  And while we will be consumed with declaring 'Holy, Holy Holy' in awesome reverence, I believe there will be another scene unfolding.  There will be other saints who welcome us and cheer for us and crowd around us.  There will be phrases like 'hey, look who made it!'  'welcome home!'  'well done!'  And then different saints will step forward and speak up on our behalf.  Instead of our scars being hidden they will point out the scars and say 'look at this one everyone.  This scar - whew.  what a story.  This one.  He lost his child and it broke his heart.  That's what that crack is.  But He never stopped believing in Him.  In fact, He let God use the crack in his heart to further God's Kingdom.  Geesh!  What a scar.  What a story.'   And then maybe in the midst of that, is when God says 'well done, good and faithful servant'.

Maybe this is a tiny glimpse of why we continue to fight the tough fights, why we hand our broken hearts to God and let Him use it for Glory instead of keeping the broken pieces to ourselves.  Maybe that's why we let our scars speak the story of His Grace and Redemption instead of hiding them.  Maybe that's another dimension of Matthew 5:10 that says "blessed are those who suffer for righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of God."  Maybe that's why your suffering is not in vain.  Maybe that's what Romans 5:3, James 1:12, James 5:11 and 1 Peter 1:6 are all talking about.

Just maybe.    

Pick Up Your Mat and Walk

It's always convicting when God speaks to you through two totally different passages, both which you have read many times before without ever making the connection.  Isn't this what it means for 'the scriptures to be alive'?

Well, I am not a trained theologian or philosopher, so when God reveals something clearly to me, I always feel compelled to share.

This past week, one of our Young Life leaders spoke on the passage in Mark 2, where the four friends lower their paralyzed friend through a roof in order to get closer to Jesus, in hopes of him being healed.  Honestly, I've always identified myself with one of the four friends....you know, the ones who weren't paralyzed, but rather, were strong enough to carry their friend to the home where Jesus was preaching, strong enough to climb a roof with their friend on a stretcher, and then again, strong enough to lower their friend down with ropes.  Instead, this time, God gave me such a clear picture of seeing myself as the paralytic.  The helpless one who relied wholly on the help of friends and was completely at the mercy of Jesus.  That'll keep ya humble.  :)

And then I noted something else in the passage.  Or rather something else that wasn't in the passage. Jesus tells the man that his sins are forgiven, and then tells him to pick up his mat and walk.  Yet, he never actually says "you are healed".  I would never have noticed this detail if it weren't for where I have been wrestling with God lately.

See, it's been just under a year and a half since my diagnosis and fight with cancer.  We have one clean scan under our belts with more to come.  And in the meantime, I struggle, almost daily with fear.  And it shows up at the most inopportune times.  Here is the most common place it shows up:  I have the post 9-11 GI Bill which provides 36 months of paid school.  So I am trying to figure out what to pursue (medical degree/functional medicine), how to pursue (on line vs on campus) and where to pursue it (depends on where we move next!) and when to pursue it (now vs after we move, after all kids are in school, etc.).  And sure, those are a lot of decisions to think through, but the number one nagging thought that comes to mind is 'what if cancer returns and I ended up wasting time and money on something that will never come true?'   Oh, the fear.  It's roots run deeper than I realize sometimes. It's like a nasty weed that seems to constantly undermine hopes for a future.  And I've asked God (I know how funny this sounds) to just give me a 'thumbs up'/'go ahead'/'green light' or heck, just to hear him say the words 'you are healed'.

Then I read another seemingly  unrelated passage this morning from Luke 5, when Jesus calls the first disciples, including Simon.  Jesus instructs Simon to cast his net into a certain area (note, this is after Simon had cleaned his nets from fishing all night) and here is Simon's response "Master, we toiled all night and took nothing!  But at your word I will let down the nets."  Did you see it?  His doubt and obedience?  After Peter obeys, and catches a large number of fish, and repents, Jesus responds with such grace and mercy as he says "Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching men."  There was no rebuke of Simon's disbelief....just tender mercy in how Jesus teaches him to add belief to his obedience.

So, there it is.  I guess it's time to get my 'big girl pants on' and just obey.  I was in a functional medicine forum earlier this week and when I got home I told Rich 'I totally felt at place in that forum....it really confirmed that this is what I want to pursue.'  Sure, I may still battle the fear and doubt, but God has shown that He can 'help my unbelief' if I am wiling to merely obey.  That's all he asks.  I wonder if there are some of you who God is nudging to obey and follow His lead in a certain area (relationship with Him/others, jobs, pursuits), but you struggle with doubt?  Good news. According to Simon, you don't have to wait to believe and obey.  It can start simply with obeying.

Everyday reasons to believe in a future!  

   

A Good Place

I was sneaking out the door this morning and it struck me that a year ago I was doing the same thing. But for a much different reason.  Last year, I nursed Raleigh Mae one final time, gave her a big hug, wiped away some tears, quietly put her back to sleep and Rich and I 'snuck' out the door for a quiet drive to prepare for my bilateral mastectomy.  This time I was quietly sneaking out of the house for a RUN.  Wow.

Me and my Raleigh post run.  :)  

We've hit so many milestones recently that have taken my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. I'm so incredibly thankful to be here this side of heaven, breathing deep with my feet planted on this earth with my family and friends.  For Goodness Sake - I went for a run today!  A year ago I barely had enough blood to keep me alive.  I am in a good place today.

Rich and I have talked about future college savings, future moves/assignments/jobs, future places to live; we've talked about the future with Hope.  Last year I wasn't sure if I would be alive for another month, or two or year and every thought of the future with our kids brought tears of fear and questioning....not sure if I would be around for their significant milestones.  I am in a good place today.

I understand so much more about my body and how God created us to thrive.  A year ago, I could barely wrap my mind around how cancer had gotten a foothold in my body.  I am in a good place today.

And yet, if I truly believe that the Holy God of the Universe loves me enough that He sent His one and only Son to die for me, then perhaps the truth is that I've been in a good place all along.  

Let me explain.  I heard something in church that made me think.  Really think.  Below is a devotional from Charles Spurgeon and the highlighted part is what our guest pastor quoted this past Sunday.

"He shall choose our inheritance for us." 
Psalms 47:4

Believer, if your inheritance be a lowly one you should be satisfied with your earthly portion; for you may rest assured that it is the fittest for you. Unerring wisdom ordained your lot, and selected for you the safest and best condition. A ship of large tonnage is to be brought up the river; now, in one part of the stream there is a sandbank; should some one ask, "Why does the captain steer through the deep part of the channel and deviate so much from a straight line?" His answer would be, "Because I should not get my vessel into harbour at all if I did not keep to the deep channel." So, it may be, you would run aground and suffer shipwreck, if your divine Captain did not steer you into the depths of affliction where waves of trouble follow each other in quick succession. Some plants die if they have too much sunshine. It may be that you are planted where you get but little, you are put there by the loving Husbandman, because only in that situation will you bring forth fruit unto perfection. Remember this, had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put you there. You are placed by God in the most suitable circumstances, and if you had the choosing of your lot, you would soon cry, "Lord, choose my inheritance for me, for by my self-will I am pierced through with many sorrows." Be content with such things as you have, since the Lord has ordered all things for your good. Take up your own daily cross; it is the burden best suited for your shoulder, and will prove most effective to make you perfect in every good word and work to the glory of God. Down busy self, and proud impatience, it is not for you to choose, but for the Lord of Love!

"Trials must and will befall- 
But with humble faith to see 
Love inscribed upon them all; 
This is happiness to me." 

It made me think.  Even through cancer.  Even through tough surgeries.  Even through losses.  Even through the hardest heartbreak you can imagine.  Even through your current trials and storms.  If there was any better place to be, He would put you there.      

I may never understand or see this side of Heaven, the full extent and purpose of His Glory in our past year.  But I do know that God is good.  And that God loves me.  And that He is Holy.  And those are never changing Truths.  And so, logically, I have to trust His Sovereign Grace and Love and Purpose of our past year, present and future.

A couple more things I learned.  When I woke up from the second surgery, I had tears in my eyes as I asked Rich if he had seen the Angel.  I passed out, woke up again and asked him the same thing.  I realize that I had tears in my eyes because it was such an awe-some and for lack of a better word, terrifying sight (I often get frustrated that I can't find the right words to describe what I saw).  It was overwhelming.  In an instant I knew I saw something extra-ordinary that was from God.  And yet, if that Angel, evoked such a response in me, how much more awe-some must God be?  If God created that Angel, then His presence would be infinitely more overwhelming than what I saw after my second surgery.  As an old pastor says, God is white-hot-Holy.  And yet, in an incredible twist, God offers access to Himself as our Father.  The one to call 'daddy', who knows our  heartbreaks, hears our cries and holds us through the storms.  Y'all.  I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around this incredible love the Holiest of Holies has for us.  But I know this is a good place to be.  I hope this finds you in a good place today.          

Our story one year later

One year ago, today, at around this same time, I received the phone call with my diagnosis of breast cancer.

Whew.  We have come SO FAR.  Thank you, Jesus!  Thank you, Lord!  Sometimes I am in complete awe and can't help but think 'why have You been SO good to me and my family?'.  Our story could look so very different right now and the weight of that is not lost on me.

Our pastor asked if I would share our testimony at church this Sunday and I think the timing is so ...well, timely.  :)  And I'm happy to share because the bible tells us that we honor God when we remember what He has done for us.  And so I am happy to remember and never forget.  I will not dwell on the scars, but thankfully remember just how far the Lord has brought us.  And though I haven't spoken in front of a group about something so personal in a long time, I am happy to have the privilege of publicly remembering what God has done for us.

Psalm 105: 1-5 "Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon His name.  Make known His deeds among the peoples!  Sing to Him, sing praises to Him; tell of all His wondrous works!  Glory in His Holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice!  Seek the Lord and His strength; seek His presence continually.  Remember the wondrous works that He has done..." 

And that's why I also decided to write a memoir for our kiddos.  I am so grateful that they don't understand the full extent of what cancer means or comprehend the fear that comes with that diagnosis.  But when they are older, I want them to fully grasp and understand what God has done for our family.  I want sweet Raleigh Mae to know that God even used her in my belly to discover the tumor.

There is so much wrapped up in what I plan on sharing this Sunday and I wanted to share a little bit here.

While I would have never chosen to walk this path and fight this battle, I would never trade what I have learned about God.  When I think of where I was a year ago, my heart breaks a little because I remember how I felt.  I remember the heartache, fear, devastation all wrapped up in my chest....yet I remember there was always Hope.  Part of me wishes I could go back to that girl, grab her by the shoulders (because as my friend says that is what you do when you want someone to take you seriously), lift up her chin, wipe away the tears, look her square in the eye and remind her that God is good and He is in Control.  That somehow in the year to come I will understand how our Good and His Glory are inexplicably intertwined.  I could never have imagined then what I know now.

When I prayed about what to share in my testimony, I felt led to share my story to encourage others who may be going through a struggle.  Big or small.  Immediate or long term.  Where you are now in your journey may seem completely hopeless and futile.  You may question what God is doing or even question God Himself.  But please hear my heart when I say, He has never left your side, and never will.  He promises your good and His Glory and when the time is right, He will reveal your story.  And I promise you will not be disappointed, but will be compelled to love our Lord even more.  You may be walking through the fire right now, but you will not be left there.  You will walk through the fire, with a faith that is refined and you will see Him more clearly than before.

I hope someone is encouraged or remembers my story when they need encouragement in the future.  All Glory to Him.  

a few day after surgery #1

Raleigh Mae's first trip to Colorado!

almost a year later....typical family photo :)  

Week 1 Post- Op.

     One could say that I severely underestimated what this recovery was going to be.  I had envisioned myself home before the older kids got back from school, up and walking around, slightly sore the next day, and then up and doing my normal routine by day 3.  Reality was me apologizing to the nurses over and over again as I keep oozing bloody fluid all over the room in attempts to go to the bathroom where I puked over and over again…in the sink (cause I couldn’t make it to the toilet).       

     That’s not an attempt to get you to feel sorry for me – just a very humble revelation that I am, indeed, not wonderwoman.  Or her cousin, or second cousin thrice removed. 

     But day 7 here and I am getting more mobile and on my feet more and more.  I may look like a granny while driving, but driving I am, at least!  

     We’ve been blessed with my mother in law who flew in and held down the fort for days, friends who brought us meals, clothes (that I can actually wear over my wraps and bandages), juice (yes, someone juiced for me – incredible, right??), sweet flowers and watched kids for us.  We had a great follow up appt yesterday where all stitches were removed and the doctor nonchalantly stuck a needle in me to remove some fluid that had built up (I will NEVER get used to being poke and prodded!).    

     One last day of antibiotics, I have finally been able to sleep in bed, I can hold Raleigh and we are well on the road to recovery (the primary phase is 6 weeks, and then about 4-6 months for full 

results).

      

     The toughest part may be emotional acceptance of how things look.  I made the mistake of peeking under the bandages after the first day and just cried.  Not because my surgeon didn’t do a good job, but because there was plenty of swelling, dried blood, more stitches, deep bruising and just a general realization that my body has been further changed from what I was born with.  And the reminder that cancer is the reason for the physical changes.  I’ve been wrestling with this for several days.

     And I point this all out to share the significance of what I learned in a study that I recently started with some local gals called Anointed, Transformed, Redeemed by Priscilla Shirer, Beth Moore and Kay Arthur.  We talked about the power of being anointed (this itself is a different topic that I won’t go into now, but would love to discuss more later!) and having a God awareness throughout our day.  And bam, it struck me.  I have not been looking at my physical self with a ‘God awareness”.  What if, when I looked in the mirror, I imagined God’s presence, right next to me, looking at me and pointing out every fiber of my being that He created and knit together before I was even born?  Maybe, instead of crying over how different things look, I could rest in the assurance that He sees me as beautiful the same way that I do not see a single one of my kids as any less beautiful because of a scar.  If my Maker was standing next to me, who created the inspiring sunrises and sunsets without the aid of any man, if my Maker was standing next to me would I dare find reason to cringe at my image?  This isn’t about some mind-game-gobbly-gook about just accepting things as they are and sucking it up and moving on with things.  It’s about living the truth of knowing that God is with us and embracing His Holy Spirit and praying to see as He does.   Of course this applies to so many, arguably more important, areas of my life.  How I interact with the kids when it’s just me and them talking about how fairy wings grow for the umpteenth time, how I speak to my husband when we are disagreeing about a certain topic, how I act while entertaining an unexpected visitor, etc.  It also means that I can walk throughout my day with more confidence that nothing is by accident and that He, the Good of all good, is still in control.  He's not walking beside us saying, 'sorry about that...I dropped the ball on that one, eh?'.  No, instead, when life feels out of control, He's whispering, I still have you.  I have you.  Just rest.  Nothing is out of my control.'    

     This is not about just ‘acting’ right and behavior modification, but about changing the heart.  My heart.  Your heart.  Maybe you believe in God and maybe you don’t.  But just imagine that there was indeed a Maker of the Universe walking next to you and trying to speak to you throughout your day – the Maker who loves you (and LIKES YOU) SO much and delights in you to the point that He sent His only Son to die for our sins so that we could continue to be in His presence.   Imagine Him next to you and you can’t help but change how we see ourselves, our family, and our neighbors. 

     This is just a sliver of what I learned in the study,  but it convicted me so much that I had to change my plans to run errands and instead type out these words.  I pray that it encourages someone else. 

Outside my comfort zone

I should be preparing for my next surgery tomorrow...but I've surrendered to the fact that it's somewhat futile at this point.

For good reasons.  We had a 'cancer free' celebration a couple weeks ago followed by Ada's 5th birthday celebration this past weekend! And with life in between I just didn't get to some things like I had hoped to.  God is bigger than my lack of feeling prepared, not having enough button down shirts, enough reading material lined up, or my fuzzy hospital socks or extra meals on hand.  We DO have grandma in town to help take care of the kids, friends bringing us meals and one friend is lending me her spanx to help with post surgery recovery (those things are amazing!!!  why am I just now trying them???).

"mammo-grahams"  Where else other than a cancer free party can you have these????  Courtesy of my friend, Kanaan :)  

Birthday breakfast presents

Birthday Dinner:  her favs: nachos and brussel sprouts :)  

Last airplane ride for a while...more to come in a month!  

But I will admit that I am a tiny bit nervous about this surgery...we all know what happened the first time, and this time it's with a different surgeon, different hospital and different anesthetist.  It's funny how even when it comes to surgery/needles/scalpels, you develop 'favorites' regarding who gets to poke, prod and cut you.

My surgery this time is for further reconstruction and some 'adjustments' from the first phase of reconstruction.  Deep down inside, I do often wish that my vanity could have been okay without the reconstruction, but I am so, so, so grateful for the option.  To be blunt, this surgery will involve breast reconstruction and lipo in order to do some fat injections.  The whole thing seems so surreal to me because I never ever imagined a procedure like this.  And to be very honest:  when I wake up, this time my concern won't be 'did they get the cancer out', but instead will be 'what do I look like'?  And for some reason, that has me nervous.  I feel maxed out on the scars and marks and this will up my tally (read:  I'm a bit vain and am growing weary of new scars).

But with all these thoughts swirling in my mind, my mother in law reminds me of the angel.  The angel.  The one I was so privileged to see (and sometimes I still can't believe I saw it).  And the one I know was protecting me and will protect me because God promises to be faithful.  And it reminds me of how easily my focus is shifted away from what matters.  The truth that God is in control, He is Good and that He sent His Son to die on the cross for us because He loves us THAT much.  And in the end, all things will be restored and my scars won't bear any shame and He will be glorified.  And if I know that truth, then why do I waste my time on being anxious and worrying?  And isn't it a mercy of God that I have an unfamiliar team doing my surgery this time?  Because otherwise, I would have placed some of my trust in the familiarity of the team and not Him.  But I'm forced outside my comfort zone (I was even getting used to the color of the gown and cap I got to wear at the original hospital) and reminded that the only place to put my trust is in Him.

So, here we go.  One more surgery.  One more recovery.  I just recently regained enough strength to do some push ups and shoot my bow and arrow.  Those will be some of my goals again!

I also wonder in the back of my mind....will I ever get to see the angel again?  It was both a bit terrifying and awesome at the same time.

Would you please pray for grandma while she's holding down the fort? That she and the kids would be protected and that all would go smoothly?  Thank you for your prayers and I'll hopefully be sending an update soon!

To God be All the Glory.

Have a GOOD Day

To say I was a bundle of nerves last Friday just might be an understatement....but thank you for praying so faithfully, friends and family!  There was another gentlemen going through a scan in another room who had a panic attack and couldn't finish, but mine went smoothly.  The reason why?  Because of God's grace and all the folks who said they were praying for me.  Seriously.  I've learned that I can jump out of airplanes and helicopters from thousands of feet high, but put me in a metal tube and forgettabout it!  Thank you, thank you for the constant support.

Just a little insight into the process...the timeline of the radioactive injection is very specific.  I had to start at a certain time and after the tech injected me with the radioactive sugar tracer (the syringe was encase in a lead shield...crazy, anyone???), I was told to sit quietly and relax for about an hour.  Again, I'm not sure how people relax after knowing what they've been injected with (I couldn't read a book or do anything other than sit because the material would be taken up by my brain which they didn't want to do..again, crazy...???), but somehow, by the prayers of y'all, I actually managed to catch a few catnaps.  That says a LOT.  I went to the bathroom before the actual scan and saw this sign:

 Which made me cringe and then straight up laugh.  Again...crazy.  Whoever/However they discovered this process is absolutely beyond me and I can honestly say out of all the things I am interested in, nuclear medicine is NOT one of them.

I was thankful to have the scan OVER and as I walked out, there were so many fears in the back of my mind.... 'what are you going to do if the results come back showing more cancer?', 'have I just been utterly wasting my effort and time with alternate treatment?', 'will I be back in for another scan in another month?', 'did Rich and I choose the wrong treatment and not discern God's voice well enough?'...the list could go on....but one of the most powerful encouragements have been friends who have literally spoken life and healing over me.  I'm not sure if this makes sense, but sometimes, when you're in the middle of the storm and getting knocked down, it's hard to hope.  And sometimes, you need others to hope for you.  And to remind me that our hope is not determined by our circumstances....our hope is determined by the ONE we hope in.  Let me say that another way.  My hope is not secured by circumstances, my hope is anchored in Jesus Christ who loved me enough to die for me in order that I may have LIFE and have LIFE to the fullest through faith (relationship) in Him.

And this brings me to the title of this post:  Have a GOOD day.  We just received the official results of the scan (amazingly weeks EARLIER than I had thought!).  My kiddos are running around in a post-school-hyper-tired-need-a-snack mix of crankiness, but I don't care because I have to share this NEWS...because "what God has whispered to you in the darkness, shout if from the rooftops!" (Matthew 10:27):

 I AM CANCER FREE!!!!!!!!!!!  Amen and Amen!!!!!!!!!

Do I think different food/lifestyle/nutrition has healed me?  Absolutely not.  Has it at least helped?  Definitely.  Could I have had the same result after doing chemo and radiation?  Quite possibly.  So, how do I get to say I AM CANCER FREE?????  Only by the grace of God.  To God be ALL the Glory.  Amen.