The Pits, Praise and being Present

Moving can be the pits.  I just want to get that out there... I try not to dwell on it too much, but truth be told, there are some seriously smelly stinky pits to moving so I just simply want to acknowledge the truth.

I spent the last couple days licking some wounds....of hurt feelings, feeling displaced, being disappointed and just a dose of plain 'ol sad.  I was on my way to meet a group of ladies that I was hoping to connect with and just so stinkin' excited about meeting some others of my kind (being surrounded by kids all day just makes me crave adult fellowship sometimes!) and I was blaring some of my recent favorite songs.  But on the way home, I just couldn't help it.... my eyes were wet (let me be clear, this is not a criticism of the ladies...I just didn't find that soul friend). And I had a hard time whispering a single sentence....yet I knew that in a way, that was wrong.  I have sang lyrics so often about praising in the good and bad and yet, in this small moment of disappointment I couldn't utter a single word.  I felt a bit petty.  As the songs continued to play, these lyrics grabbed me:  from Psalm 103.... "Praise the Lord, O my soul....Don't forget His love...who forgives all your sin...crowns you with His love...who satisfies your desires with good and lovely things..."  And then slowly I was able to sing a few words as I entered our neighborhood.

The night also made me think of something that I've tried to balance for a while:  being Present in the moment yet living for eternity.  How to be so fully in the here and now, yet invest in things of eternal worth.  I didn't know how these two things were related, but for some reason God connected these things for me.

36 hours after this evening, I went to another meeting with some ladies and wouldn't you know, I found a friend!  How do I know she's a friend, you say?  Because we met in the morning and had dinner with them in our home less than 12 hours later....and it wasn't in the least bit weird!  What a Praise.... "He satisfies your desires with good and lovely things..."   

And I found another praise regarding moving....from pits to praise:  when you move to an unfamiliar place, everything is NEW.  This means we can explore our neighborhood with the kiddos and it is truly fun!  We went on an outing this morning...my husband pushed the two littles, while I ran with the older two who were on their bikes.  As I was running alongside and between them, I was constantly reminding them - stay on this side, don't go into the soft dirt, move over and watch out for that car, pedal a little faster so we can catch up, slow down so you don't run over his heels.... In that moment God clearly showed me what is was to be fully present and investing in eternity.

I had to be fully present with my two older kids as they rode to keep them safe and guide them along the route....and as I was doing that I was investing in eternity...relationships with my kids.  Conversing with them..encouraging with them...instructing them...as they kept pedaling forward and then finally back to our familiar home.

I'm in awe of how God shows me how real He is in my life - from the pits of moving to praising Him for new friends and learning how to be present yet investing at the same time.  I'm always sure that all this may only make sense to me, but I hope it encourages others!     

Uncertainty and Abundance

I just need to get the words out before I lose the sense of their weight and chicken out of writing...so this may not exactly be poetic prose, but here goes.

Today kind of felt like a bombardment of bits of news that all had a common theme....one of uncertainty.  I spoke with a couple friends who are experiencing some major uncertainty in their lives and then we found out some news from work and family that kind of rocked our little world.

And you know what my first instinct was?  To grasp harder at those things threatened by uncertainty.  My comfort, plans, possessions, privacy....and then the Lord quickly pointed out to me that the very things I was going to try and hold onto even tighter were not really ever mine.  It's like an example that C.S. Lewis uses regarding the lady who thinks she has some quiet time to herself in her home only to have it interrupted by a neighbor knocking on the door.  She's grouchy because the neighbor just interrupted her 'quiet' time....but he points out that though the quiet time was within grasp, it was never hers for the Lord had other plans..that included her neighbor coming to her door.  And so I was reminded of the same...that these things that I feel like can be taken away or threatened in the future are not really mine to begin with.  So why should I even bother acting as if it was?  Act like I have something that is being threatened and try even holder to maintain my grip on it?

Instead, my friend reminded me of how my attitude should be...that I should hold these things loosely, knowing that it's all His anyways.

And so I choose to graciously hold these things, open handed and palms facing up ready to give these things if the Lord asks us to, but keenly aware that He never leaves us empty handed.

Which brings me to another point.....Abundance.  Give me a moment to explain how these two are tied together in my mind.

I was loading groceries into the refrigerator a few days ago and was struck by how much abundance we have.  In soooo many ways.  In the deli drawer of my fridge alone I have FIVE different types of cheese.  It makes me happy.  And so aware of the many different levels of abundance we have.

Growing up, my parents were immigrants and we didn't have a lot of money...not that I ever felt poor or felt like I had a disadvantage of any sort growing up.  I just remember that my parents worked a lot...sometimes on Christmas...and we didn't have a ton of presents or toys.  I never felt like I was really missing out on anything, though.

And with the contrast of our abundance now, I sometimes feel the temptation of guilt creep up.  But I'm constantly convicted that God didn't bless us only to have us feel guilty for His gifts.  How twisted would it be if I gave me son Legos and then expected him to feel guilty in return for the gift I gave him?  No, instead, He's given us gifts to use and multiply for His Glory and pour out on others for His Name's sake.  It reminds me of the parable of talents....use what He's given you, be a good steward of it, multiply it.  Then, in the pouring out of ourselves, He fills our cup to overflowing....I believe this because I've experienced it and know it to be real.

So, back to the uncertainty.  Just like the things He's given us in abundance, I will hold the items of uncertainty with open hands....pour it forth and know that He will fill us to overflowing with things of eternal significance.

If anyone else is experiencing uncertainty in the beginning of this new year I hope some of this resonates with you as well...

Faithful...redefined

During the past few years, God has redefined my understanding of faithful.

I used to understand faithful in the version of "God is faithful.... He always provides."  The same way that we don't have to worry about where our next home will be - "He always provides!".  And it's true - in 10 years and 9 different houses, we've never been homeless.  But my understanding of faithful was rocked to the core a few years ago.

I have a sweet, soul friend, Sarah.  When she was pregnant with her second baby, about 4 months into her pregnancy, doctors found out there was something wrong.  The following weeks involved a series of tests and procedures to first determine what exactly was wrong and then to correct it in utero.  We prayed...prayed hard for baby Mia to be healed.  And I believed in my heart of hearts that everything would be fine.  After all, God is faithful.  He always provides.

But on November 20th, Sarah and David were forced to say hello and goodbye to baby Mia.  To say I cannot even begin to understand their heartbreak is an understatement.  In a selfish way, I have to admit that I was grieving for myself, too.  I was disappointed by God - I felt like He had let me down.  From my finite point of view, there was absolutely no reason why God would not or could not have saved baby Mia.  He is God.  He is faithful.  He could heal baby Mia.  He always provides.  But why not this time?

In the weeks and months that followed Sarah didn't hide her pain or pretend like all was okay.  She was gracefully transparent about her grief, yet she never uttered one word of resentment towards God.  I don't know if she and David wrestled privately with God for answers, but never did they utter a single word of blame towards God.

Sarah and David walked through the refiner's fire and came out with an amazing testimony.  And this is when God redefined my definition of faithful.  Somehow, somewhere, in the midst of their grief, God provided Sarah and David with a lasting faith in Him.  He provided them with a faith that despite heartbreaking loss, grew even stronger.  This is what faithful is:  when everything in the world is stripped away and you have nothing left but God, He proves to be enough.  He provides.  Himself.

I imagine that Sarah and David might be celebrities in heaven.  :)      

   

Engage

We are two thirds of the way through a three month course that my husband is required to take for his next job.  That means we moved about two months ago and we're about to move (again) in less than a month.  My heart was dreading this move.... I left a fantastic community of folks with whom I have some rich relationships and three months is not an ideal amount of time for us (my kids included) to make new friends.  It's one thing to meet someone you like....it's another thing to have time to nurture that relationship.

God has been challenging me, though, to still get 'out there' and meet folks.  Talk to the other moms who are waiting with me during dance class, chat it up with the check out lady, invite someone over for dinner, etc.  Sure, chances are I won't find another lifelong friendship in our short stint here (again....relationships just plain 'ol take time), but I'm convinced that God wants us to be engaged with the world around us.  He showed us this in Jesus' life on earth.  Jesus engaged with humanity...in such a real way.  Even with people we probably wouldn't like.

That's so different from how I tend to react to things I don't like.  I've noticed this in my parenting...to be quite frank, I don't really like barbie dolls and all the princess stuff (go figure, we have three girls! and they'll ALL be in highschool at the same time someday!).  I never had it growing up and just don't see a need for it now.  and I want to shelter them from so many things that I think they represent....warped sense of body image, choice of clothing, etc (just my opinion).  But have you noticed princess stuff is EVERYWHERE?  It's really, really hard to avoid.  In some sense, to some degree, I've avoided engaging in the part of the world that my little girls live in that revolves around all things princess.  It's time to change that.

Christ's example for us on earth was not to run away or avoid things we don't like.  He engaged in society....even parts and people of society that we're SO wrong.  Actually, ESPECIALLY those.  He tackled some awkward moments and engaged them head on... he TOUCHED the leper, he conversed with a Samaritan - a woman, no less, he ate with a tax collector, the list could go on and on.  And that's when lives were changed.  Forever.

As christians, when we choose to engage this world, even the parts that may offend us or that we simply don't really like, we open the door for Christ's amazing grace to transform lives.  Sure, He can change lives with or without us.  He doesn't need us.  But when we choose to engage in this world He created - the good, the bad and the ugly, we get to be that much more a part of His work.  I just hope there aren't barbie dolls in heaven!      

Focus

Several thoughts/ideas have been ruminating in my mind recently....and they are starting to run together so I wanted to write and sort them out.

I'm surrounded by some pretty incredibly talented folks...family, friends, people I happen to cross paths with.  And often, it gets me thinking...what am I doing that's significant?? What else can I do/how else can I contribute to something bigger and better than me?  I have four young kids and am homeschooling and I know I'm investing in something of eternal worth:  their souls.  I KNOW that is important....but I can't deny that I often daydream of what could have been and might be someday.  It's not that I am not thankful for what I have or that I want to change what I have - I am very aware of how blessed I truly am; I'm completely at peace with our decision regarding how we 'do' family.  It's just that in my heart of hearts, I know that some of the gifts and passions God has given me aren't used to their full potential right now.  And I'm learning that that is okay.

As I've been turning this over in my mind, I read a blog post yesterday by Ann Voskamp about the destructiveness of comparison.  I think girls are way more susceptible to comparing themselves to each other, but I'm sure everyone suffers from it to some degree.  Her blog resonated with me in every way - how it's destructive both for the comparer and the compared.  And it got me thinking.... so what is the cure?? I KNOW that comparison is not only the 'thief of joy', but that it goes a step further and destroys...relationships.  It's b.a.d.  But what do we do to avoid it?  How do we get around it?  How do we prevent it?  What is the cure???

And then God renewed for me the passage in 1 Samuel 16 about the choosing of David as the next King.  When Samuel is led by God to anoint David, guess what David was doing???  Tending sheep.  Yep...sheep.  I'm not a bible scholar, but I'm pretty sure the prestigious job of the day was not tending sheep.  I'm guessing that David didn't think to himself 'whew, I'm doing some seriously important work here...my sheep tending (shepherding??) is changing the world!"and I'm pretty sure he wasn't comparing his flock to others.  "Man, John's sheep are SO much better behaved than mine....and Sam's sheep are SO smart... and Ezekial's sheep are SO athletic....and so on.."  Instead, (here's where God really spoke to me) he was just focused on his job at hand.  And it was taking care of the sheep.  Just plain ol' sheep.  In the same way, the only thing I need to do right now is FOCUS on my job at hand.  It's when I start day dreaming about other jobs and wondering how much better other folks are doing this job of raising their families, homeschooling, juggling careers, etc., that I get terribly distracted and fall prey to the effects of comparison.  All I need to do is focus on my current assignment and God will take care of the rest.  He has promised it.  

More of Him

A while back as I was in my quiet time and the big move was on my mind, I asked the Lord to just show me how to know Him more.  Not come to Him with requests, venting or anything else (nothing wrong with presenting prayers and requests, though!)...just how to KNOW Him better.  I realized that the toughest part about moving was leaving the people in our community of friends and neighbors....because we knew our friends and they knew us.  That's what makes a relationship a relationship.  It's not just an exchange of goods and services (though I LOVE taste testing chocolate chip cookies!), but it's knowing others and being known.  And so I wanted to figure out how to know God better.  To love Him more as I knew Him more.  More of Him.

And today it started to come together.... In Romans 4:20, it says of Abraham "..but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God."  That verse is in the middle of the passage describing how Abraham trusted God, believed in His word and how that all added up to righteousness.  It's a passage that always makes me slow down when I read it....it's a lot to chew on because I'm so not there...yet.  I read that on September 11th.

And today I read in Luke 11:33-36 "Your eye is the lamp of your body.  When your eye is healthy, your whole body is full of light, but when it is bad, your body is full of darkness."  Some might interpret this as the whole idea of how we see life in terms of 'glass half full or glass half empty'.  I want to take it a step further... it's 'having an eye' to see God in everything.  Some of my friends are gifted with 'an eye for fashion/interior design'...they see a space, a piece, a color...and they can put it all together to create beautiful spaces.  Just the same, when this passage in Luke talks about your eye being healthy, I think it means to have an eye that sees God and His faithfulness in everything.

And here it comes full circle...when our 'eye is healthy' and we see the hand of God at work in everything around us, we can't help but give Glory to God and just like Abraham, our faith will grow strong.  And that, I believe, is how we are to know Him better.  I'm pretty confident that our heart's desire to just know Him and actually doing it make Him smile.  I'm confident because that is what I'm missing most right now... to be known by folks where we are now living.  We're surrounded by plenty of people - Richmond is a big place!  But to be surrounded by folks and to be known by folks/friends is so different. If our desires and the way we crave to be in relationship with others is a semblance of how our God designed us to be in relationship with Him, then I'm going to keep my eye open to see more of Him.        
 

Our first DITY move.....

I had no thoughts of continuing a blog after Whole 30, but since our arrival in Virginia there has been so much that I wanted to give thanks to God for and so many folks to share it with so here goes....

First off, I would not recommend a DITY move as the least stressful method of moving a family of four kids and two dogs.  Just sayin'.  That said... we had so much help from friends and if there was ever a time for our family to do a DITY, this was it!

From watching our kiddos, providing meals, packing boxes, loading boxes and furniture, cleaning out our garage, praying for our sanity, and throwing a farewell ice cream partay, our friends were there EVERY step of the way.  Truly, this was a team effort.  Did I mention we are a family of six (that's a lot of food to make and four extra kids to watch!)??  And our friends aren't exactly in what you a call a 'slow' season of life.  Classes had just kicked off and yet our friends provided in every way.

If I had known what the day of our drive was going to be like I would have just crawled back under the covers.... isn't God good in NOT letting us know the future?? :)  I'll just say we had loose ends that took up more time than we allowed for and our drive was way slower than what we had in mind (our max speed with the trailer was about 55 mph), hence our arrival to our new home at 1:15 a.m. and finally getting to bed after 3 a.m.  The only way I stayed awake for the drive was the prayers of many, drive thru starbucks and perfect snacks from friends.  Seriously, I was t.i.r.e.d.

Homesickness (for friends, neighbors that I know, playground for the kids, familiarity with streets, etc) has hit me several times a day since our arrival....but I am reminded constantly that God has plans for us here as well.

The day after our arrival I went to the grocery store with the kids while Rich unpacked....and my first stop was another drive thru starbucks.  Twice in two days - that's a record for me.  I almost cried on the way there because I had no idea where I was and took a wrong turn within 3 minutes of leaving the house and I was plain 'ol tired.  But the gal at the window, who was at least 15 years younger than me, called me 'darlin' and I had to smile.  She also told me which grocery store was the best... and I ended up agreeing because as I was parking, I found a special spot for us.  :)

 This is what I found at the end of our grocery trip.... BLUE BELL!!!!!  I have been craving this for YEARS.  I made a commitment and a promise to the kids right then and there:  we will try EVERY flavor before we move!  :)

And as I left the grocery store, the kind gentleman who was bagging our groceries helped me to the car with them and then proceeded to tell me that I'm not allowed to tip!  say what?!?

Today we went to a church that Rich researched on line and I was kind of nervous about going.... we only have a few months here so I was really praying that it would be one we could plug into right away... and one where our kids would feel comfortable.  As we registered our kids for their classes, they were each handed a stuff animal to help them find their classrooms....and guess what Ada Jo got?  A Zebra!!!!!  For some reason, she loves zebras and if you ask her what they say, she says 'zeeb, zeeb'. Thank you, Lord.  

I'm missing our friends like crazy, but am encouraged with all the ways God reminds us that He is with us....no matter where we go.  Psalm 139:5 "You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me."  

We're working on making this place our new home for however long God chooses for us to be here.  Many, many humble thanks to all our friends and family.