Our holding pattern and unexpected Grace

I was brought to my knees in tears this morning.  I will get to that in a bit.

It's been an oddly 'normal' week.  I finally feel okay enough to work out and try to get some strength back.  I actually took a shower without any help and dried my hair in the same day (woohoo!!!).  I feel good enough to be schlepping the heavy car seat around during errands with two other littles in tow and manage to get back home without missing anyone or anything!  And I keep thinking, 'this is what a normal day is like'.

We've had plumbing repairs and an isolated one time puker and weeds to pull.  Again, I keep thinking 'this is what a normal day is like'.

                                                          Raleigh Mae rockin' her 'do'.  :)

I have texts and phone calls with friends and e-mails and letters that I'm again, behind on.   'This is what a normal day is like.'

Yet, in the back of my mind, there's a part of me that keeps waiting for more bad news.  Once you've been hit with cancer, you realize how vulnerable we are and how often I take my health for granted.  And even though I am at total peace with our alternate treatment plan I keep thinking 'am I going to find another bump tomorrow??'.  

And I confess that I have often wondered out loud 'why God?'  Not a 'why me?'.  But a 'why'.  What is the purpose of my cancer and how can even this be cultivated for Glory.  Because I believe God is intentional.  My cancer isn't a 'whoops'.  It isn't an accident.  God has a purpose for my cancer for His Glory and my good.  And every day I seek that answer.  But I have to learn to submit to the fact that I may not know that answer until I'm on the other side of heaven.  That is a hard gulp.

What do I do in the meantime?  When I'm with a group of acquaintances and someone comments about something being good/bad for cancer.  Do I speak up?  Be that awkward turtle that says "yep, I heard that, too....and oh by the way, I was diagnosed with breast cancer recently?"  Or what about when I see a lady in the store who is trying on scarves to cover her bald head - do I/can I comment and say 'those colors look great on you....and oh by the way, I know firsthand, too that cancer sucks.'

Not that this is the best movie to draw analogies from, but anyone remember the scene from Pretty Woman when Julia Roberts (I can't remember her character's name) has all this cash to go buy clothes, but is frustrated because she can't figure out how to use it/what to do with it????  That's kind of how I feel in my cancer holding pattern.  What do I do with this crazy cancer?  I don't want it to go to waste - it took much from my physically, so I will be darned if I don't use every ounce of this experience for something far greater.  

Always, God is faithful when I seek.  I've been wrestling with this 'normal' holding pattern and what does He show me in His Word?  STEADFAST.  Over and over again.  STEADFAST.

Psalm 92:1 "It is good to give thanks to the Lord, to sing praises to your name, O most High; to declare your steadfast love in the morning, and your faithfulness by night."

Psalm 94:18 " When I thought my foot slips, your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up."

Psalm 89:14 "steadfast love and faithfulness go before you."

Psalm 115:1 "Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness."

Psalm 117:2 "For great is His steadfast love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever."

Psalm 119: 73-80 "your hands have made me and fashioned me; give me understanding that I may learn your commandments.  Those who fear you shall see me and rejoice because I have hoped in your word.  I know, O Lord, that your rules are righteous, and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me.  Let your steadfast love comfort me according to your promise to your servant.  Let your mercy come to me, that I may live."  

A better movie analogy - in a typical battle scene when a group is charging at another, and the camera zooms in on the leader of a group as he tells his men 'steady...steady...' before they charge.

So for now I am learning to take it one day at a time.  To remain steady in the 'normal'.  

But I keep wondering what God is working right now that I will only realize ten years down the road. What seeds are being planted right now that will be harvested in 10, 20, 30 years?

And this is where I found myself in tears on our garage floor.  Just after I snuck in a quick workout and was checking my e-mail on the way in, I saw an update about Kara Tippetts.  

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2015/03/how-to-recover-the-lost-art-of-dying-well-what-kara-tippetts-taught-us/?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_term=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.aholyexperience.com%2F2015%2F03%2Fhow-to-recover-the-lost-art-of-dying-well-what-kara-tippetts-taught-us%2F&utm_content&utm_campaign=A+Holy+Experience+Blog+Posts

I had listened to an interview with her a while back and someone told me about her blog and her battle with breast cancer several months ago.  Since then, I just didn't have the courage to continue reading her story and updates.  Because her story just hits so close to home for me.  Another young mom.  Another cancer diagnosis.  So much of her story just hit too close for me to bear.  I'm somewhat ashamed to say that I just couldn't bear to read her story.  The emotions were just too raw.  I'm ashamed because  while this warrior was giving all Glory to God, here I was, unable to even read.  When her family was going through their toughest trial, I was too weak to read their story.  I prayed when I thought of her, but I didn't want to know more of her story after I heard that she was on respite care.

And that's when the unexpected happened..... I didn't intend to read an update on her.  But there it was in my inbox, and in those few moments between a workout and waking kids for the day, I ended up in tears, sitting on our garage floor.  Crying because my heart just aches for her family.  Crying because her passing on this earth reminds me that this cancer is real and it just hits too close to home.  Crying with some joy that she is free and celebrating in Heaven with God our Father.  Crying because I imagine our Father cupping her face in His hands and saying 'welcome Home, good and faithful servant'.  She died well because she lived well.  And what a Grace of a reminder that is for me.

So I will trust in Him to be steadfast in these 'normal' days.  By His Grace may we learn to live well and die well.

Welcome Home, Kara.  
http://www.mundanefaithfulness.com/home/2015/3/22/homecoming



 

A Success

In case you haven't noticed by now I'm not a very consistent blogger. :)  I don't even think I qualify as a 'blogger' because I lack consistency.... my husband says I am an 'episodic blogger', though.  Yay - I get my own category!

Anyway, nuances aside, I am overdue in an update!  THANK YOU so much for all your prayers.  The surgery went well and I came home the same day, as planned!  Praise God for a 'boring' surgery.  Given the events of the past few months 'boring' is kind of nice right now.  My surgeon was able to remove the 'bumps' and confirm that they were indeed sutures!  Praise God!  And my bleeding was very normal this time around.  It's funny how major life events came make 'boring' and 'normal' seem so attractive.  :)

So all in all, we call this surgery a success!

And that one sentence seems so simple.  Surgery went well and as planned - a success.  But it doesn't do justice to the hours of appointments, scans, consults, phone calls, tears and prayers that led up to the confirmation of new bumps being nothing more than sutures and surgery going smoothly.  In other words, it's so easy to say - 'yep, it all went well' and not give Glory to the one who soothed every fear, caught every tear, heard every prayer on our behalf.   Thank you Lord, that the bumps are NOT cancer and that the surgery went well.  But above that, Thank you Lord, for being the God who is Maker of the universe and at the same time, 'daddy'.

And how appropriate that our pastor gave a sermon about how we define success.  So much of it was spot on and resonated with me, loud and clear.  I would do a terrible job of repeating his message, but I'll do my best to illustrate it through our situation.

One of my very desperate prayers for the past few months has been that I would beat this cancer.  That I would live to hold my grandchildren and perhaps even their children.  I long to see my children grown and their cultivated souls.  What a gift it would be!  And yet, from the beginning, I've known deep down that that is not what will define ultimate success for us.  Beating cancer sure would be totally awesome (or rad as a friend often says :)), but that is not the ultimate measure of success.

Let me put it this way.  I don't want or intend to look back in 40 years and say 'geesh, 2014 was a rough ride for us....that crazy cancer thing'.  I don't want it to be a mere episode of our lives from which we simply move on and forget.  Neither do I intend to let it be our whole life.  Instead, I want to use it.  Use it for His Glory and our Good.  This diagnosis - as crazy and scary as it is - has a bigger purpose.  I can do everything in my ability to beat this thing and then lay it aside or I can choose to use it.  Use it to point back to Him.

And so the question is how do I define success regarding this diagnosis? It's not just my physical healing at stake.  There is kingdom work to be done.  Regarding success, sometimes we think too small.  i.e. just get married, just find a good job, just buy a house, just stinkin' beat cancer!  But God whispers all that time that there is more.  Much more than just our physical here and now.  There are souls to be saved to celebrate and sing with in heaven.

Here's a quote from our pastor "some of the worst circumstances of our lives open the doors for access to the gospel work".  I can attest to that.  The past few months have been by far, the hardest trial of our lives.  And yet, it has opened many many doors to relating with folks in deep, real, meaningful, God-filled, intentional, eternity-worthy relationships.

I don't know if the end of this journey will end in successfully beating cancer ( though I pray HARD for that!); but I do know what success will look like:  If in the end, when all is said and done, we have fought the good fight and used our heart, soul and mind to point others to Him.

So, in the meantime, I am going to start sharing everything I've learned about health and wellness through local classes.  Again, food does not, cannot, will not save you.  Our only Savior is Jesus Christ.  Can I get an Amen???  :)  That said, the human body is intricately designed and I am passionate about sharing how we can be good stewards of our bodies - for His Glory and our good.  The classes are a progress in the making, but I'm trusting God that it is the first step towards success.  :)

One of the perks of currently living in the southwest:  I get to chop 

veggies outside in the sun while watching the kiddos run around.  

       

   

A little of this, A lot of that.

The 'eve' of surgery is beginning to be a familiar feeling...not one that I like, though!  How do I feel right now?  A little of this - jitters, a lot of that - gratitude.

Jitters because this is my third surgery in three months and instead of my pain tolerance getting better, it's getting worse.  Seriously, I find it odd that I am growing more sensitive to pain rather than used to it.  Before I could endure a few sticks/attempts at getting in an IV...now I wince at one little needle.  And things went wrong during the first surgery that no one anticipated.....and it reminds me just how much I am not in control.  At all.

Gratitude because every time the nervousness and anxiety wells up inside me I get constant reminders of the prayers covering us.  Between Scripture, texts, e-mails and phone calls and wonderful surprise packages I'm reminded that we are not forgotten or alone in this.  It keeps me grounded.  Helps me pay attention to the everyday things.....and we have some genuinely sweet and hilarious everyday things around here.

 Gotta love this outfit....her pajamas bottoms, sister's dress, another sister's sweater, brother's rubber band gun, my heels and dad's nutella.  This was a pretty complete outfit in her book.  :)  

SHE POOPED IN THE POTTY!!!!!  

  Sweet Raleigh Mae....still sportin' her faux hawk.  :)  

Friday was a good day for us.....followed by some heartache.  It was good because we received some consensus that these bumps are 'most likely' sutures holding my graft together.  Yay for sutures - I'll take those any day over tumors!  But heartache followed that evening when we found out another dear friend was just diagnosed as well with breast cancer.  Ugh.  It makes me mad.  Makes me furious that another friend has to endure this.  Makes my heart ache because I know the journey they are now following.

And yet, here she is encouraging me in profound ways:  here's a quote from what she wrote and later said again over the phone (referring to God's orchestration of all things ) "...that He would be so kind to allow us to serve Him together with you both years ago for a foundation to serve Him together again in this time."  I've been thinking about that over and over again....

That we get to serve through this trial.

And that's part of my intent through sharing in this blog...to somehow, through His sovereign grace, serve you.  To provide raw honesty and show that the Christian life is not a bed of roses - He never promised that.  But He is Good.  Crazy Good in how He reveals mercy after mercy.  And shows me one of His angels.  Oh, that angel.  Because even though cancer stinks, He is still crazy Good.  

So, I will be at the hospital around 5:30 tomorrow morning...Rich will arrive by 7:30 and surgery should hopefully be around 8:00 or 8:30.  This should be much 'simpler'.  Yay - let's just have a boring 'ol routine surgery, eh?  And we're all proceeding with caution since results on my bleeding disorder are still out.  We have quite the combination of amazing friends watching our kiddos for the day.  Please pray that I can be back home tomorrow evening after a really boring surgery and for our friends who are helping watch our crew.  And can I ask you to specifically lift up my friend - let's just call her 's' for now.  :)  They have a big day tomorrow as well as scans and appt with their surgeon.  

I have no idea how to make this happen, but I pray that somehow what is shared on this blog blesses you.  Because as my friend said, we get to serve through this experience.  All for His Glory through our good.

Amen.