Just Wait.....

 I apologize in advance that this post is long, but I wanted to include all these details.

What a week it has been....a week ago, I found two more bumps that felt so similar to the original tumor.  It set off a series of phone calls and e-mails with various doctors and clinics trying to get an appointment and exam before the next surgery coming up this Wednesday.

I'll spare you all the details of trying to coordinate between various doctors and offices, but bottom line is we were able to get an appointment with my plastic surgeon on Monday and an ultrasound at an outside clinic on Tuesday.  It was big to get that lined up so quickly.

Leading up to Monday's appointment with my plastic surgeon, "Dr. Z", I lost count of how many times I prayed "Thank you Lord that this is NOT cancer".  Every single time my mind started to stray into the 'what ifs' and I felt the fear creeping in, I just repeated that over and over and over.  I actually lost count in the first 24 hours.  Having that prayer, that anchor, kept me from unraveling all weekend.

This was from my quiet time Monday morning:  I'm not sure it'll make sense to anyone else, but basically, God spoke something very convicting to me:  the 'peace that passes all understanding' is supernatural and also at the same time a discipline.  In other words, I have to anchor my mind in truth, in scripture, which tells us about the peace of God.  And once I root my mind in that truth about the peace and protection of God, the discipline of peace follows.  I'm not sure if that make sense at all to anyone else, but it felt so clear to me that morning...and so I kept repeating that prayer.  Thank you Lord that this is NOT cancer!'.

Once Dr. Z examined me he said he was 'pretty confident' that the bumps were the knots from the suture that are holding my grafts in place.  What a sigh of relief....nothing would be sure until the ultrasound, but I'll take 'pretty confident'!

Next we had the ultrasound at an outside clinic....this is important to mention because when I originally called for an appointment at our regular radiology clinic nothing was available for three weeks.  (Rich sent an e-mail to all the docs involved and explained the situation, but we never heard anything back...it was Friday...I just simply got a phone call from this outside clinic and they set me up with the Tuesday appointment.)

Now comes the fun part.  I was told the ultrasound results would be ready by Thursday.....yesterday.  My quiet time from Thursday morning included Psalm 130:5 "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I hope."  And I read in Hebrews 4 about 'rest'.  My commentary provided this insight:  the 'rest of God' is from a Hebrew verb "shabath"/Sabbath....which means to 'cease, desist, rest'.  I just figured 'yep, got it....wait...which I have been doing and am glad we find out results today!'.  But what a day it was.  I got three phone calls from the regular radiology clinic offering me an earlier appointment...each time I told them 'um.. I already had the ultrasound done two days ago at the outside clinic'.  Then I spent a couple hours trying to track down my images/results.  Someone stood in front of me and physically saw my CD with the images and said I would receive a phone call in a few hours.  By the end of day, after a few more phone calls, it turned out that for some reason no one could find my CD anymore.  Yup, they somehow disappeared.

At this point I just felt like crying.  And I did.  I had been holding my breath while praying the same prayer over and over again and was just so stinkin' frustrated and disappointed that we had no information.  And all this happened about an hour before we were supposed to be at a fundraiser dinner for Young Life.  Quite frankly, I did not want to go.  I just wanted to pull on some pj's and crawl into bed and I kept asking God "why do you want me to wait????"  "why do I have to keep waiting???"  After managing to finally find something to wear (yep...more tears....finding an outfit to fit my post 4 month baby body and 'half finished girls' was a bad combination with the let down of no results), we headed off (also the first time we had a baby sitter put all five kiddos to bed!).

And this is where I heard God whisper in a new way "just wait".  See, it wasn't 'just wait' in the way I try to buy a few more minutes when my kiddos are asking me for a snack (10 minutes after breakfast!) or when I'm trying to stall.  It was a 'just wait and see what I have in store for you' kind of whisper.

Our guest speaker for the banquet was Kevin Sorbo.  He played the professor in God's Not Dead and years ago played Hercules.  He shared a story that totally surprised me.  He's recently written a book about this and apparently what he shared is something that not many folks know...until now.  During his series where he played Hercules, while in his mid 30's he had THREE strokes that completely disabled him.      

What?!?  Hercules had three strokes in his mid-30's???  And now he's here standing in front of us sharing his testimony!  To hear his journey of recovery and to see and hear him share his testimony was unbelievably encouraging to me.  I can't explain why....but it just felt like God saying "See, this is tough, but you're going to get through this...I am for you.  And I will use your struggle for my Glory through your good. "  Geesh.  If Hercules went through three strokes in his mid 30's and God can use it for His Glory then I guess I can have breast cancer in my mid 30's and God will use this, too.  That's a bit short of poetic analogy, but it just resonated with me.

And so finally, today, after more phone calls and searching for my images, they finally found them!!!  And just before the end of the day, my oncologist called with the results.  Based on the images and what Dr. Z said, everyone is fairly confident that these bumps are the sutures holding my grafts in place.  WHEW.  THANK YOU LORD THAT THIS IS NOT CANCER.  I get to use all caps for that!  :)  And get this:  no one knows how I got that ultrasound appointment with the outside clinic!

What I learned about God:  that He is indeed for me.  He works in mysterious ways (how did I get that ultrasound appointment???).  And His ways are not my ways.  Just wait....and see what I have in store for you!

What I learned about myself:  the discipline of peace is far from developed in me....I have a long way to go.  And for now I have to choose His peace.  Even if it means I just keep repeating the same line over and over and over.  And I have to trust Him when He says 'wait'.  I cannot force or make anything happen with enough phone calls or e-mails.  I can 'rest' because He is for me.

So, we are still a 'go' for surgery this Wednesday.  As of now, we're proceeding with caution under the assumption that I have a slight bleeding disorder (still waiting on a few more labs to confirm whether or not I have Von Willenbrand's).  We appreciate prayers for a smooth procedure, confirmation that these bumps are indeed just sutures and no more transfusions.  This lady ain't got time for more drama in the OR!  :)

THANK YOU LORD THAT THIS IS NOT CANCER!

To Feast

My heart is kind of heavy as I write this....I had originally intended to share something that God spoke to my heart earlier today.  Then we had a turn of events.  And I need to share about that.  But I feel led to write about what was originally on my heart first....and I trust that God will connect it all somehow.

For the past couple years I have been wanting to know more about the significance of the number '40' in the bible.  It is used in so many ways - 40 days/years..., anointing, cleansing, wilderness, the flood, temptation, etc.  and of course Lent, too.  And with Lent it's often associated with some form of self denial.... I don't know the history or background of how Lent developed into what many now consider a time of self denial while anticipating Easter.  (anyone have a great study or insight on 40 feel free to let me know! :)).  It reminds me of Adam and Eve in the garden....how they got so distracted with the one thing God told them 'not to do' and lost sight of all that they could do.  It made me think of all the 'things' we often decide to give up for Lent...there's a lot to choose from!  And in contrast to that - the 'not to do's', I was reminded of a verse from a song we sang in church this weekend.... a 'to do'.

To Feast on His Grace.  I don't remember the name of the song or any of the other lyrics, but that line convicted me.  Scripture reminds us that His mercies are new every morning.  Every single morning, they are made new for us.  A whole new, undepletable (I may have just made that word up) vat of mercies.  And so we get to feast.  Feast on His Grace.  Because it won't run out on us.  We don't have to ration His Grace.  We don't have to budget His Grace for fear that tomorrow there won't be enough left.  We don't have to save up and 'hoard' His Grace just in case we stumble too bad and incur more debt than there is Grace.

I don't have to keep a reserve of Grace.  We are meant to feast on His Grace - and in that way come to know Him better, more intimately.  So, I can hold my tongue and tone with the kids when my head hurts from the ruckus because Grace is available.  I can refrain from using that condescending tone and instead draw on His deep well of Grace.  I can keep my mind from the judgemental thoughts because the Feast of His Grace has been laid before me.  So, during this Lent, I don't have to concentrate only on what 'not to do/eat/say/eat/use'....I can also learn to Feast on His Grace.

And I believe that somewhere deep this was laid on my heart this morning because He knew what my afternoon would hold.

I found another bump.  Through a random brushing of my fingers I felt a small bump.  In my heart and mind I am screaming "there is NO way.  just NO way.  Just NO way this can be another tumor".  It is on the left side which they biopsied as well after surgery and found no cancerous cells.  And all the tissue was removed.  Yet I can't deny that the bump feels too much the same as the original tumor.

It's ironic:  we had an appointment with my plastic surgeon earlier this week and unexpectedly set a for another surgery in two weeks (it's earlier than we had anticipated because he is retiring and we wanted to find a way for him to do the surgery to stay with a consistent team...and oh yeah, because I am a bleeder).   I was meaning to write an update on that because I just feel so weary of surgeries.  And I'm having tests done to see if I have a bleeding disorder since I required so many transfusions last time.   Who knew all of that would seem minor compared to finding another bump.

My fear seems almost bigger this time.  Because I know everything that another tumor would entail.  Knowing is worse in this case.  And when a tumor comes back a second time it's usually not milder...and it means it would have spread quickly.  Too quickly.  Even if we had decided to start chemo, that would have only been last week.  Now we have to wait to hear back from my doctor to get the ball rolling on figuring out what this bump is.

My warrior friends remind me of His promises.  His Hope. The 'sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain.'  (Hebrews 6:19)  And again, a gentle reminder to pick up my courage.  To "be strong and courageous...for it is the Lord your God who goes with you.  He will not leave you or forsake you. '   (Deuteronomy 31:6)

So I am making a brave choice.  One that forces me to feast on His Grace.  This is scary for me.  This makes me feel so vulnerable.  Because I don't know the outcome.  But here goes:  I will not only pray that this is not another cancer.  I am vulnerably/awkwardly praying with expectation.  Praying with thanks that He will answer our prayer that this is not cancer that has spread.  Every time the fear mounts, I will utter words of thanks for allowing this bump to be something other than cancer.  For His Grace is more than enough.

Will you Feast on His Grace with me?            

Door A or B

"seriously?"  I asked the lab tech if that was really how much blood she needed to take.... it must have seemed like a lot to her, too, or maybe just to appease me, she asked her supervisor if she had to fill all those tubes.  Yup.  All 12 tubes need to be filled!

I know there are some who wouldn't think twice of that much blood being drawn, but whew, that surprised me....

And we were surprised again during our trip last week to MD Anderson.

I was a bundle of nerves....we were going to see the experts on cancer...but so many folks told us about their amazing experiences at MD Anderson so in the back of my mind I expected that we would walk out with a sense of peace.

My deep-down-gut-honest prayer from the beginning has been that I don't have to like our treatment options, I just need a peace about it.  It's how we wrestled through options regarding surgery... lumpectomy, mastectomy, bilateral mastectomy.... not easy questions and in the end I can fully say that I did NOT like having a bilateral mastectomy, but God gave us 100% peace about it.  I don't think one decision over the other is right or wrong...it was/is all about seeking His wisdom regarding our decisions.

And in the same way, we have been praying over our treatment options.  A third surgery, chemo, chemo + radiation.... I have asked God that if it was possible, remove chemo and radiation from our path, but if it is the way to go then I just asked for a peace about it.  And that is what MD Anderson was about.  We went to the experts and I anticipated walking out of there at peace about chemo and coming home ready to get the ball rollin'.

Oddly, we walked out after our first morning less convinced than when we walked in regarding the chemo route.  Yup.  I say odd because we had such different expectations and came away with the opposite.   Rich and I actually looked at each other and said 'did we miss something???'  It was so odd.  I still think it was a really odd experience because I anticipated such the opposite.  Again, it was ODD.  

I won't go into all the details regarding our 'odd' experience....this is not a critique of the facility by any means (they actually have a fantastic learning resources library filled with books on cancer that you can check out and return via a prepaid envelope!  Yay for not having to search and search through books to find the right ones - they were all there!  Including medical/research articles that the lady copied for us!).  We did gain some more information regarding statistics, second opinion on pathology, etc.  But in the end, it all added up to a very odd-wow-I'm-not-too-convinced-about-chemo experience.

Can I be clear here in stating that I wanted to be convinced?  I wanted a peace about it.  In some ways, chemo is simpler and a bit more straightforward.  I'm not saying it's a walk in the park...at all... just that the path is laid out for you and you have someone guiding you through the process and everyone pretty much approves.  For the most part, there is a beginning and end.  Again, I am not saying chemo is easier... it  just seems more straightforward to me.  As you guessed by now, going the alternate route has a lot more uncertainty....and disapproval.

God surely convicted my heart this morning.  I still find it a bit surreal that we walked out of MD Anderson without the sense of peace that we had anticipated (and even hoped/prayed for).... and I have been too nervous to tell folks that we are pursuing an aggressive alternate route.  Because.  I fear you.  Yup you.  Your disapproval.  There I said it.... I fear disapproval from everyone around me who will think we're absolutely nuts and will basically count down the time til they can say 'see, didn't work out for 'ya, did it?'  And God gave me a big gut check.  Who do I fear most?  Man or God?  And apparently, I may not have my priorities in order.  The support of our family and friends has been AMAZING.  Absolutely AMAZING.  And I do fear losing support and credibility and the criticism that may follow this post.  But above all, I am reminded that God is for us.  And if He is for us, who can be against us?  :)

And because He is for us, He will not let us choose the wrong path.  WHEW.  When I remember that, I am able to breathe a bit more deeply.  He promises us.  In the same way that I'll let my kids explore and learn a new skill while I keep a close eye on them, ready to redirect if need be.  I would never willingly let my kiddos choose a harmful path.  And golly, He loves us more than I love my kids.  That's a biiiiiig , righteous kind of love.

Psalm 31: 3  "for you are my rock and fortress; and for your name's sake you lead me and guide me;"

Psalm 31: 14 "but I trust in You, O Lord, I say You are my God, my times are in your hand."

Isaiah 30:21 "And you ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, 'this is the way, walk in it', when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left."  

And in the midst of the cancer battle, I am asking for prayer again...for wisdom beyond our years.  Though this battle may seem like the priority for the time being, I know that there may be seemingly smaller, simultaneous and subtle fights to be on guard against.  When you fight a big campaign, often you leave another area vulnerable....  and that comes in many different forms:  letting fear creep in and get a hold, insecurity, self righteousness, pride, etc...I have lots I can add to the list!

If someone had asked me from the beginning which would you rather choose? Door A - it includes a pretty good understanding of God/relationship with Him and no cancer.  or Door B - it includes an deeper, richer understanding of God ..but also includes cancer (to make it better I'll throw in an angel for you :)).  To be very honest and transparent - I would have chosen Door A.  Yup - safe.

I think there will be many turns, twists and curves in this journey.  And who knows, maybe choosing an aggressive alternate route is the way God is leading me to chemo.  I just don't know.  We can only trust as He reveals one step after another.  And I know that the end result is already secured.  It's the journey to the end that we are walking in faith...frightening faith!  We'll look back someday and see an amazing path that He carved out for us.  Until then, just one step at a time.