Food and Grace.

I know I've mentioned food and nutrition several times....and it currently consumes a good portion of my time and energy (which again, I have a LOT of).  Yet, I want to throw out a huge, bbiiiiiig disclaimer.  It's just food.  Sure, I am learning and believe that we can use certain foods/combinations of foods to heal our bodies and restore health, but it's just f.o.o.d.

What I mean is this:  what we eat and don't eat/how we eat is not a matter of salvation.  Let me say that loud and clear:  FOOD IS NOT A MATTER OF SALVATION.  Do I believe that our mental, physical, emotional and spiritual state and discipline are all connected and affect each other?  Yup - so how we eat can/does affect other areas of our life... but food in and of itself does not determine whether you dine on shrimp in hell or manna in heaven.  I hope I have made that perfectly clear.

See, it's easy to grasp at something when you see so much good in it....so much goodness to be obtained from it.  I am personally experiencing the positive effects of a different 'diet' and am so excited to share this with others...., but it is not my life theme or my mission to change people's eating habits.  And that is a tough balance to maintain.  But when we grasp at something other than God and His Goodness for us, we let it rule us.  We become slaves to it.  We begin to worship it.  Slowly.  Sometimes without even realizing it.  Whatever your 'it' may be.  It's easy to become legalistic about what I eat.  Afterall, I'm trying to fight cancer!  But I have found grace in cancer and wouldn't I be an utter fool to then fall slave to my food that I'm using to fight it?  That was a mouthful, but I hope that makes sense.  (I just reread that to see if it makes sense. :)).

And grace in cancer?  Yup.  It's sometimes hard to say, but I'm reminded of it daily.  Because the harsh reality is that we are all dying.... every day from our birth we get one day closer to our last day. And we have so many distractions to keep us from thinking about that fact that we truly have limited days here on earth and we don't know when that last day will be.  I've let my attitude, frustrations and quick temperedness reflect my belief that I take the day for granted.  But Cancer Grace (CG?), makes me constantly reevaluate how I treat others...especially those closest to me (because aren't the ones closest to us the ones who normally take the brunt of our yuckiness?).

So, yes, CG.  Cancer Grace.  I have been given this incredible opportunity of grace...and to then fall slave to food would be such a disgrace.  It would be like taking this gift from God and tossing it over my shoulder absentmindedly into a mud pit.

So, that was a long disclaimer, but I felt convicted to make that clear.  As clear as I can.

And with that out of the way, I am learning more and more about food and nutrition everyday...to heal and protect our bodies from the inside out...to minimize the need for intervention with conventional drugs/surgeries...or to work in conjunction with and enhance the efficacy of drugs/surgery.

But like I mentioned before:  my job is not to change anyone.  Whew.  Just saying that takes a load off!  It's what my fear in pursuing food/nutrition/medicine is linked to.  That I won't be effective.  But I heard someone quote Andy Stanley in saying that our job isn't to change others...we just merely need to pour out what we have into others.  That's all.  That's all I have to do.  Instead of grasping at 'good' things and letting fear be my strategy, I just need to pour out what I have.

I read these lyrics from a hymn:  Heaven Came Down and Glory Filled My Soul.  The elegant simplicity of that hit me.  Heave Came Down (to us).  and Glory Filled My Soul.  The next logical step is to pour out that Glory into others.  As Larry Crabb stated in a devotional, when we give up grasping for things (even good things), we begin to see how we can give and truly live.  

So sit back and relax....when I tout more cool 'food' stuff, know that I don't consider it a marker of how 'good' you are.  No pressure folks.  I have just been handed this gift into discovering some really cool things about the science behind food and nutrition and I'm just excited to share.  That's all.  To God and only God be all Glory.  Through my good and for His Glory.  Because He is crazy Good like that.

Happy Friday y'all!  

And here's a pic for a dose of humor.... because apparently my 'girls' will set off the scanners while we travel this weekend...too bad I don't have this shirt yet!  :)

      

Many Different Names

It's kind of funny....when you have cancer, lots of different folks come to visit you.  :)

And through the different folks that have visited, I realize that I have a lot of different names!  To my parents I am Jennifer or Jae Yun (my Korean name), my high school friends and cousins call me Jenny, some of my college friends call me Jo-Jo, some of post college friends call me Jennyjo or the most common one is Jen.  Yup - lots o different names, eh?  And when I hear each one, it has a different feel/aspect of my personality, but I'm still the same person.

In the same way, God has so many different names/ways and is yet, always God.  Perfect and complete.  Not lacking anything.  He attends to matters of the universe and also speaks to my heart's deepest desires in the same moment....and does it for millions of others.  He hears my nervous soul as I face down more needles and at the same time is rescuing someone across the world and sustains our universe.  And that matters.  It matters because He is a relational God .... every bit of His rescue plan to save our lives is relational.  It happened through a person - God incarnate  - for people, us - for His Glory.

And so I take this crazy cancer ride and realize that there is much of it to be used for relational reasons.  I don't get to bury my head and seal myself off from the world.  I have to take the hits, blows and setbacks.... let them ferment into strength, resilience, faith and then pour it into others for His Glory.  I'm just convinced of this.

Because I can't just talk the talk about how God is revealing mercy after mercy in this battle and then store it all up for myself, right?

I was part of a 'Be Brave Collective' Dinner the other night...everyone shared something brave they want to pursue in the next six months and the idea is that we encourage one another and keep each other accountable.  My 'Brave' that I shared is inspired from a wise friend who has encouraged me over and over again to 'pick up my courage.'  It doesn't just happen - we have to be intentional about what to pursue.  I am afraid to plan and dream of my future....it is a deep fear because I may look the fool when the time comes because I have no idea what this cancer will do to me.  So I have decided to take a deep breath, gulp and go for it - make a future plan/goal.  Cancer will be part of my life from now on....but not my whole life.

As I shared earlier I am radically changing my diet and pursuing a nutritional healing while we wait for the second opinion from MDA.  This doesn't mean I take a sip of apple cider vinegar a day and call it good.  :)  I am learning and researching so much about how to make every bit of food we consume useful for our bodies... because in the end, my body is not my own. I am merely a steward of the body God gave me and I need to take care of it.  And my goal/brave in the next six months is to pursue/work towards medical/nutritional education and pour it out on others.  I'm encouraged because I have a ridiculous amount of energy for having had a baby and two surgeries... I almost feel guilty for how much energy I have.  :)  I have a love and deep appreciate for modern medicine - it has saved my life in the past.  And let's face it, no amount of carrot juice is going to heal a broken finger!  But I am also discovering the science behind how we can use our food to prevent and heal many diseases.

I read Psalm 113:9 the other day (can you tell I've been reading LOTS of Psalm!):  "He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children."  The footnote had this:  "God's majesty never implies his remoteness....it instead implies his EXHAUSTIVE attention to detail and His exhaustive ability to care for the faithful. "  

And so I pray for the 'majesty' of my healing....to be cancer free and cured.. yet, I also know there is more to come from this journey... so many details and mercies that are new every morning and waiting to be discovered.

Our appt with MDA is next week, Feb. 2nd.  I am excited, but also dread it.  To be fully immersed in 'cancer world', go through more tests/procedures, away from the kids (again) and sort through all the new terms/acronyms and be reminded every minute of this disease that threatens my life.  I am excited, though, to get the second opinion and hear what the experts have to say/offer.  Please pray for the details of our travel, childcare (grandparents are going to hold down the fort for the first time on their own with five kiddos!), specific doctors that will be assigned to us and our discernment and encouragement and leading one way or the other.

Oh, and while we're at it, prayer request for the 'little things'.  I am going through the phased reconstruction... I still have limited amounts of feeling...and my shape/size is changing... and I'm so constantly paranoid of a 'mrs. doubtfire' moment...remember?  When Robin Williams doesn't realize his fake breasts are on fire?  yup...  I'm praying against any really, really awkward moments.  :)  

Much Love from Jennifer, Jenny, Jae, Jennyjo, Jo-Jo, Jen.  :)

Leaning In

First off, my apologies for being delinquent with an update....  last week I jumped back into the full routine and I was running a bit slower than normal (actually, there was NO jumping or running, but you know what I mean :)).  :)  It has been good to get back to focusing on the 'regular' routine around here....the stuff that is normal...but living through the lens of fighting cancer, I welcome 'routine' and 'normal'.

In the last post I mentioned that we are researching and waiting for a referral before deciding on which route to choose regarding treatment.  Going nuclear or natural.

The research and wait still continues....

We had originally been waiting on a referral to a place in Phoenix that does offer conventional treatment, but also incorporates a whole body/holistic/natural approach.  I was really excited to meet with the doctors there and hear what they had to say/offer.... it was only a matter of waiting to get the official authorization and appointment.

One morning last week I was reading in Psalms and a few different devotionals and EVERYWHERE I read one theme kept repeating itself... "wait patiently in the Lord".  Seriously, I'm pretty sure I read it at least six times.  I understood it to mean that we'll get the appointment when the time is right.... but a few hours later I got a phone call saying that the place in Phoenix no longer accepted our insurance as of the 1st of the year.  Seriously?? And this would set the whole process back a week or two.  I was disappointed, but honestly, felt such a peace to accept the closed door.  Isn't God good?  He prepared me that morning with every time that I read "wait patiently in the Lord".  So, I figured that is a very clear 'NO' to Phoenix.  I was disappointed, but so very at peace with trusting that this is for a reason.

Last Sunday at church, our pastor spoke about 'Investing Forever'.  It's similar to a really wise saying I learned from my husband's grandparents... 'invest in things of eternal worth'.  I go back to that saying so often regarding our time, money, resources, relationships, etc.  And it has SO much more meaning when you are fighting a disease like cancer.  Take what is temporary and invest it for eternal worth.  That sure is a challenge.  A daunting challenge.  One in which I often wonder if we are doing well.  And then he said something that planted joy and hope:  "He leans forward to rejoice in our work"( Just to highlight one example..those adoptive and foster parents out there - whew.  You blow me away constantly in how well you do this... but everyone does this...with your biological kids, your work, your ministry, etc.)  

Geesh!  Really??  Yes, He leans in and is ready to rejoice in what we do!  See, I've often caught myself thinking 'umm...I hope this is right...Hope you like this God, or well, at least I'm giving it my best effort...'  I've often cringed, wondering if what we did pleased Him.  But I was reminded that He is FOR us....He leans forward to rejoice!  Psalm 56: 9 "This I know, that God is for me"

And it brought me back to our decision regarding going nuclear or natural.  In a sense, it boils down to this:  if I do chemo and radiation and the cancer returns, then we can just say the treatment didn't work/the cancer was just too aggressive.  If I go the natural route and it doesn't work, that rests on my shoulders.  Does that make sense?  Yes, I absolutely dread doing chemo and radiation, but I am also terrified of choosing the natural option, hoping and praying it works and then failing.

And so I choose to remember that God is FOR me...He leans forward to rejoice with us every step of the way... every time this fight bring Him Glory through our Good.  He is excited to rejoice in and with us!

We found out yesterday that we have an appointment at MD Anderson on February 2nd.  So glad to have an appointment finally, but also a bit nervous about walking into a cancer center.... shouldn't I be over the nerves by now?  But it always takes me breath away to walk into a cancer appointment because it just reminds me that I'm battling for my physical life right now.  And so are the many others around me.  I'm part of the cancer club now - 'yay me'.  

In the meantime, I have been pursuing a cancer fighting diet.  I don't have any sort of degree or anything more than what I have researched as a momma fighting for the future days to see her grandchildren, but folks have asked me what I'm doing so here's the skinny:

My diet focuses on three things:  1) detox 2) build my immunity and 3) load up on cancer fighting foods.  Basically, I'm eating a ton of veggies, consuming mostly raw foods (about 80 percent raw) and have cut out all sugar and cow dairy.  I have a carrot smoothie (eating/drinking about 5-6 carrots a day...about to up this to almost 5LBS a day with juicing), green smoothie, big salads (have kale, broccoli, spinach or cabbage everyday), good fats (flaxseed oil, avo, coconut oil, ghee), homemade sourdough bread (thanks, Kerry for getting me HOOKED on this), limited amounts of good organic meat, serious kick of green tea (matcha) and have been using frankincense and myrrh essential oils.  Yup -there's nothing genius in my diet...just boils down to lots of veggies and whole foods.  I am giving this a go until our appointment and we'll see what my tests/scans/docs say.  There's a nagging voice in me that says maybe I'm doing this all for naught and the docs will say the cancer has spread.  But then I remember that I can hope....be brave enough to hope and pray that maybe the docs will say whatever I am doing is working!  It takes so much courage to hope..... but as a wise friend reminds me to do, I will 'pick up my courage' and hope. My hope and courage are in Him and Him only...the one who leans forward to rejoice in and with me.

Oh, and I always, always, always, need a good dose of humor!

The New Year....never has been, never was, never will be All About Me.

....well, sort of.  I am the one with cancer, so in a sense, that part is about me.  But the rest.... it's not all about me.  At all.

I'll explain in a bit.

Yesterday was a tough day - unexpectedly.  But it makes sense....when we think of the new year it's usually about what we resolve to do better/different, hope for, anticipate, etc.  My thoughts just continued to swirl around what our next steps will be....that our next year will be a tough year.  That it's a year where we will plunge deeper in the cancer world and it will be the biggest fight I've faced yet.  Everything seemed to be in check until I got an e-mail from our oncologist, a phone call from our surgeon....etc..... all good things (communication is important!), but reminders of what the next year will entail.  

The big decisions right now include deciding what type of treatment to pursue.  There are many factors, but to keep it simple it boils down to 1) what I call the 'nuclear' option:  chemo and radiation... endure 6-8 months and hope for no recurrence and 2) natural methods of healing my body from the inside out and giving my immune system and NK cells a chance to fight the cancer cells and committing to a lifelong change in diet and habits.  (One reason why I would seriously consider option 2 is because my tumor actually shrunk by almost 25% before surgery - that's without meds!  It may have a lot to do with having a baby and estrogen level dropping, but to me it means that my body was fighting the cancer without any intervention!)

I know some who just read about option 2 are screaming 'no' and will consider it insane.  And the same for option 1.  And I go back and forth, back and forth.  And for whatever reason, it all threatened to unravel me yesterday.

The first person who gets a taste of my emotional implosion is unfortunately my husband.  I can feel the emotions brewing inside me, I try to keep them in check (because I KNOW some of my emotions are just emotions....not rational thinking, but the I'm-tired-just-had-a-baby-and-surgery emotions), but then out of nowhere one comment creates a cascade of tears that I can't seem to contain.

And in that very weak, raw and honest moment this is what I said.  "I'd rather have five good years left of trying to heal my body naturally vs ten years after chemo and rad and suffer from the side effects" and "I kind of wish a truck could just hit me tomorrow and let this all be over with."  I'm not proud of what I said, but those are my raw emotions.  As for the truck comment, don't worry, I'm not planning my demise - it's just that I already know I'm going to heaven so part of me just wants to skip right to that part!

Then I received some major conviction:

Look at this pic (disclaimer:  my pics have been coming out blurry...maybe because I recently gained  enough mobility to take pics...or because a little person put fingerprints all over?  ... ).  Check out the top row, excuse the message board which is out of date..... but check out all those amazing Christmas cards and notes!  If you can zoom in, you will find your card up there somewhere....

And here are the kiddos....five amazing gifts that somehow manage to simultaneously exhaust me, yet fuel my fire to fight.

And my solid rock and best friend, my husband.  The rest of my (super generous) family.  My (amazing rock star) friends.  My friends I have yet to meet.

God really convicted me that this battle is not all about me.  There's a story unfolding, His story, unfolding in this battle.  Glory being revealed.  Hope being planted and realized.  Grace upon grace being poured out.  This battle is about Him and His Glory and others' Good that He will accomplish through my good.

A shortcut is not an option for me.  I don't get to crawl into a hole and hide until this is all over.  I have to take every step, get up to fight every round and choose His Glory over my fears.  

And so we pray.  Hard.  About the right path to choose.  Because part of me really, truly believes my body can fight the microscopic cancer cells that may remain through natural ways.  And the other part of me dreads the nuclear option. Having five babies, double mastectomy and adding on chemo and rad (i.e. bald, puking and burned) certainly does not do much for your self confidence.  (Have I mentioned I dread the nuclear option?  I'm pretty sure the bald look is not going to look great on me....geesh, I was BORN with a head of hair...I haven't been bald a single day of my life...okay, I digress.)  

But it's not all about me.  It's about what He convicts us to choose.  Finding a peace with the right decision.  And if He gives me a peace about chemo and rad then that is what we will do.  No questions asked.  I know there is a bigger story unraveling here and whatever He gives us a peace with, we will follow.  I will walk through the fire if that's what He wants me to do... because I know the One who asks me to do it.  I know Who He Is.  

There is hope.  Always.  If I end up bald, that sure does give me a legit pass to hang out with kids fighting cancer in the hospital.  Maybe we'll 'adopt' cancer kids and find ways to love on them and their families.  I've already made new friends through this... my anesthesiologist is a total rock star and in the midst of her own challenges has been encouraging me in ways that only another cancer survivor can.  

So whichever method of treatment we choose, I will fight.  For God and His Glory, for my family, friends and myself.  

Thank you SO much for those that have committed to pray for us...and for promising to remind me to get up and fight when I am knocked down.

Here's to 2015.  Not an easy year.  But a Glory and Joy filled year.

"So teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom.....Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days....Let your work be shown to your servants, and your GLORIOUS power to their children...Let the favor of our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands upon us; yes, establish the work of our hands!"  Psalm 90:  12-17