Raleigh's Day & Leaning In

I really should know better than to think I know what a week will look like....as we were driving back home Monday afternoon, I actually said 'well, this should be a fairly low key week with no major commitments.'  Which was so nice after a string of a couple high tempo weeks.  And of course that's when I received a call from the hospital letting us know they had an opening for us on Wednesday afternoon to have Raleigh's procedure done.   (In hindsight, what a blessing - I truly did not have any commitments on Wednesday or Thursday...God's timing is perfect, right?)

But that threw me into high drive to line up child care (we'll spend a night with Raleigh in the PICU), unpack, get the house organized and set up (did I mention we were just driving back in town....oy!). Given less than 48 hours notice has been a blessing, though, because I just simply don't have time to dwell on Raleigh's procedure.

I keep trying to think of things to distract me from the anticipation and while we are in the waiting room....  books, magazines, music, on line shopping, research, etc.....  you get the idea:  LOTS of things to distract me from knowing that my daughter's heart is being worked on.  (Our doctor reassured as that of all the heart issues you could have, this would be his choice...it's the easiest to fix, in other words....but anything to do with your baby and her heart is not going to sit well.)

But God, in His gentle grace spoke something to me this morning.  Perhaps I am not meant to keep distracting myself.  Perhaps, this is where I am supposed to lean in to Him.  To let Him know how queasy my stomach feels, how my own heart is caught in my throat and beating faster than it should, how my mind is racing through all the possible tragic scenarios, how vulnerable I feel to have no control (though any control is an illusion, anyway), how I know no amount of perfect nutrition could heal her heart, how I hate that there will be something artificial in her for the rest of her life, how I feel a tiny bit upset that we have to deal with this (raw honesty), but how thankful I am we found the issue, how I hate having to face my PTSD-like feelings of being back in the hospital, and overall, how just stinkin' worried my momma heart is.

By default I have been an avoider most of my life.... avoiding uncomfortable feelings and putting on a smile and shoving those tough feelings deep down somewhere....but God is calling me out of that suffocating space.  He is calling me into a space that is broad, wide, secure.  He is big enough for my feelings and He has something in exchange for me.  His peace.  His faithfulness.  His steadfastness. Simply, He offers Himself.  

Here's where I invite you in:  to pray for us...that we would have a 'normal' procedure. Of course.  But I will be talking to God a lot today, so meet me there by letting me know how I can pray for you.  Seriously, when else have I/do I/will I have several hours carved out of my afternoon to just pray?  Send me prayers, please, and I would love to pray for you while I tell God all about my heart.

* the deets:  We will leave our home at 1:00 p.m., check into hospital by 2:00 p.m., register and pre op until her scheduled procedure at 4:00 p.m..  She should be under for 3 hours, and then we hope to spend just one night with her in the PICU.   We hope to be back home by Thursday afternoon.  

I LOVE all the sketches the docs have provided for us.  This helps me understand what they'll be doing to Raleigh to make her heart 'all better'.

Is that not the tiniest, cutest blood pressure cuff?  

The sketch of what the doc will be doing.....  using a vein (left arrow) to thread in a tiny plug to block a valve/duct that is open and is allowing to much blood to flow back into her heart and putting stress on her left ventricle and increasing risk of future infections.  The artery (lower right side, wishbone shaped) will be accessed in case they need to use it to help place the plug.  Easy peasy, right?????  

Come On In...a Deeper Look at Healing

I never cease to be amazed at the ways God speaks to me.  More often than not, it is in the quiet, unexpected moments, as I realize that He's just spoken directly to my heart.  Yes.  I have seen Him in 'loud' ways like the angel, but those 'quiet', unsuspecting moments are no less precious.

Sunday mornings when we're attempting to get ready for church, my husband tries to give me time to actually get ready.  I mean time to actually brush my hair (I confess most days I don't really brush it!), find an outfit that consists of more than workout clothes and feel a bit more put together.  But sometimes, that 'me time' is ambushed by little people.  I admit my normal reaction consists of shooing them out of the bathroom, but that day the words disappeared in my throat and God gave me eyes to see something new.  You see, my kids just walk into my bathroom like it's no big deal.  Like they have a right to be there.  Like they have the privilege of being in my 'me time'.  No hesitation, no asking permission, no checking to see if it's okay.....nope, they just walk right on in.  And that.  That CONFIDENCE to walk into my presence, as if they belong there, with no hesitation is something God convicted me of that morning.  In an instant, I went from knee jerk resentment of their interruption to a softness for it.

This confidence is the same confidence He offers us in approaching Him.

"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:16

If I am completely honest, even though I have a long history with Jesus, there is often a hint of hesitation on my part.  As if I need to ask permission to 'bother' him with another prayer. (There has been a high volume on my behalf recently!)  Because I don't want to impose by mentioning something again.  As if I don't really, truly believe that I am His beloved.  I know some of my behavior has been shaped by my past, but He gently convicts me that I have been given the same freedom to be CONFIDENT when I approach Him, as my kids are when they approach me.  To be sure, confidence isn't to be confused with a lack of reverence.  But here is the catch:  confidence comes from knowing who our identity is rooted in.

I think that is the real battle for so many of us.  To know that our identity is simply in being His.

My kids have no doubt that they belong to me.  They have every confidence in approaching me with requests for everything from the real to mundane to ridiculous.  They know whose they are.

Somewhere in the life journey of having divorced parents, being hurt, experiencing rejection and uncertainty, a brokenness found it's way deep in my heart.  The crevice became filled with a (often times subconscious) doubt that God delights in me.  One of my favorite verses in the Bible is from Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves.  He will take GREAT DELIGHT in you; He will quiet you with His love; He will rejoice over you with singing."  He will do these things simply because of who He is.   

I have found myself, wishing, hoping, praying that someday this would be true for me.  That some day, He would delight in me.  That some day, I would have done enough to make Him proud of me.  That some day I would have a house that is organized enough, kids that are nice enough, a personality that is nice/helpful/creative/submissive/smart/strong/pretty/perfect enough, etc.  But the truth is He already delights in me.  His delight is merely mine to accept.  He delights in us because we are His.  And therefore, we have been given confidence to approach Him as our daddy.  No hesitation or worry about inconveniencing Him.  No making sure it's okay to 'bother' Him about something.  In fact, He is pleased when we approach Him with full confidence that we are His and when we accept His delight in us.   

Confessing this brokenness of my heart and asking for healing has actually been the deepest part of my healing from cancer.  Yes.  I am beyond grateful for His physical healing.  I couldn't be more thankful for the extra years He has given me on this earth and I ask and look forward to many more.  But through this crazy journey with cancer, He has shown me deep needs in my heart that I wasn't even aware of.  To paraphrase an interview I heard with Joni Eareckson Tada "He isn't just concerned with your physical healing; He cares more about healing your heart."

Whatever you are going through right now, I hope this encourages you.  I hope this reminds you that He is always at work, continuing to bring us, His good work, to completion.  Amen.