More Than Conquerors

A few nights ago, at community group I blindsided myself....and our group.  While discussing the book of John and highlighting some of the miracles that Jesus did, we read about how Jesus gave sight to the blind man who had been blind for THIRTY SEVEN years.  Y'all.  From out of nowhere I passionately voiced a question that comes naturally to me:  'why THIRTY SEVEN years, Lord?'  why suffer for so long?  Was there something magical about thirty seven years?  I believe some of you may sincerely not get hung up on this question and find no reason to wonder about the thirty seven years.  But part of me can't just let it go without asking God about it (remember my earlier post of being strong willed).  My questioning is not out of defiance or disrespect, but of wanting to truly, desperately know more.

And if we're going to get real honest here, I think it was about me.  In reading about the 37 years, my heart ached for the man.  Because as we draw close to the two year mark of my diagnosis and surgeries and recoveries, there is a part of me that wants to wrestle with God and ask 'why?'.  Why was it SO hard?  Please let me be beyond clear here:  I am not questioning the sovereignty of God or that He is good and in control.  I just have this really simplistic desire to know 'why'.  Because it brings me closer to know WHO He is.  I so desperately want to understand why He saw the suffering as necessary.  I completely understand the concept of trials producing endurance and refinement and the value in it....but I'm talking about the suffering that seems, dare I say, excessive.  Why did the man need to be blind for 37 years?  His whole childhood and into his adult life?  Why did I lose so much blood and have so many complications during my first surgery? Why do we see children suffering through unspeakable abuse and disease?

And it's in the wrestling that God revealed this to me.  It was the pain and heartbrokenness from a complicated surgery that stripped away every shred of pretense that I had and I finally came before God with an honesty that some may consider brutal, but I now see as real for the first time.  And perhaps, that was what it was all about.  Getting past every shred of my protective layers to the point of complete, desperate submission before Him.

I recently stumbled on a talk by John Bevere, who spoke about finding our calling.  He passionately explained the difference between what we 'do' and what we are called to do, and how we will one day be held accountable for these things.  Lo and behold, that IS what scripture says...in Corinthians, Romans, Revelations....we will be held accountable for what we did according to our calling.

This is what it means for me:  before my diagnosis, I lived in the comfort of being an 'active' believer..... tithing, volunteering, being involved, building relationships, having kids, navigating the adventures of parenthood, opening up our home, doing bible studies, striving to be a 'good' wife, etc.  But cancer quickly taught me that my time on this earth is perhaps not as long or as comfortable as I had once thought.  And so I best get busy doing what God has called me to do on this earth vs just doing things that are good.  I believe I was given a second chance to understand that I have been called to something unique to me by God and there should be an urgency to do it.

The hard part is discerning our calling, right?  Duh.  As my good friend said, wouldn't it be nice if God just revealed our calling to us in a burning bush like Moses'  Yes.  It would.  But perhaps that's part of the journey...He builds our faith while revealing our calling.

I don't think I can precisely state what my specific calling is on this earth yet...I do have the responsibility and privilege of being wife, momma, friend, etc...  I like driving fast cars....I love adventure...I love the mountains.  But something I find a passion to do and have always found is connecting people.  I LOVE meeting people and finding ways to help individuals connect to each other ('oh, you homeschool?  This gal, over here could be your friend!'.....'You do Young Life???  Yes!'...'You started a business to raise funds for amputees? Awesome!  I know someone who could totally use your help!'...'You know a teen mom who needs some lovin'?  Yes!  I know just the person you need to meet').  I can't put a name to this passion (it's a stretch to call this a skill or talent, right??? :)), but I do know it's somewhat unique to me and it's been a constant passion throughout my life.

SO, with that said.  Here's my big first step in a project I have had in mind for quite a while.  Is this my calling?  I dunno.  This could be the first and last of these posts....or it could be one more step of obedience that reveals my calling.  Who knows.  This also serves as my disclaimer that this is the first ever interview I have done and forgive me for the sound quality...I'm still sorting through the world of audio equipment/programs/etc.  I promise to make it better.  But in the mean time...

For now, I'll spare you the whole back story of why I wanted to do these interviews....the bottom line is that I know so many stories of incredible, every day women who are STRONG.  They have a strength that is not purely defined by muscle mass or popularity.  These are ordinary women doing the extraordinary through Christ and I want to highlight their stories to encourage others.  

Since October is National Domestic Abuse Awareness Month, I present to you "Mrs. Dawni and her story".  Again, please be patient and gentle with me....the interview is 25 minutes long and the presentation may not be perfect, but content is there.

Prayers and Popcorn

I hate to tie food into a biblical analogy, but it's what struck me today, as I was popping some popcorn for the kids.

I have been thinking of writing a post about prayer for a few weeks, but avoided it for whatever reason...partially because I just don't truly understand it.  And yet, I feel like God keeps bringing me back to the topic of prayer over and over again.

Why the popcorn? Because, just like prayers, I don't 'TRULY' understand how it works.  I toss a bunch of these tiny kernels into our air popper, turn on a button that makes them whirl around in a tornado of heat and then all the sudden, they pop.  Into popcorn.  It's so simplistic, but makes me  (a person who loves to know the WHY and HOW to all things) really wonder how in the world with enough heat, these kernels explode, not into smithereens, but into something edible.  Of course, despite the fact that I don't understand this chemical/physical process, we eat it and enjoy it just the same.

And that is why I'm finally giving in to the nudge to write this post on prayer.  Just because I don't understand it doesn't mean I get a pass to avoid discussing it.

This is the part I don't understand:  how does it work?  That about sums it up.  Truly.  How do our prayers affect the God of the universe in the outcome of certain situations?  Do our prayers really have an affect?  Do my prayers become more effective when said in a certain order?  Or more powerful when said at at certain time?  With certain people?  Only for certain topics?  How in the world does a prayer from little 'ol me, sway the actions of the Creator of the universe?  Why does it seem to 'work' at sometimes and not at others?  We know parents that plead in prayer for the healing of their sick child, only to end up heartbroken.  We know young professionals praying for a job, only to be discouraged.  And then there is the seemingly trivial story you hear about how God provided just the right couch, placed alongside the road for someone.  The span of prayers from desperate to seemingly trivial is wide.  And it can make this person doubt at times.  But that's when I remember an older pastor telling us to 'doubt our doubts'.

I have to remember to doubt my doubts because I have seen the evidence of prayer over and over again. And aside from that, the Bible tells us over and over and over again to 'PRAY'.  Not to figure out which muscles to heal in which order to heal a man crippled from birth, or come up with fractions to feed 500.  Don't confuse prayer as a lack of action.  It means prayer becomes part of our action. Because the Bible also assures us that at any given moment, Heaven is working on our behalf for His Glory and our Good.  And somehow prayer is part of that equation.  Besides all the reasons and verses I could quote on prayer, it comes down to this.  Jesus, the Son of God, prayed.  If it's good enough for Him, then it's good enough for me, right?  Actually, I get the sense that Jesus didn't pray just because it was a good thing to do (like holding the door open for someone, or yoga, or serving at a soup kitchen).  I wonder if He prayed more out of a need for His Father vs an obligation.  And perhaps that's all I need to understand about prayer.

But wait.  There's the empirical evidence, too (which seems somewhat ironic, given that we're talking about prayer here).  How can I explain the time two different people in two different places prayed for me at the same time?  How can I explain when my friend felt led to pray for me during surgery, when she didn't know that I had just lost a LOT of blood and required four transfusions?  How can I explain the effect of my 24 hour prayer guard that battled on my behalf while unexplainable things went wrong and my life seemed to be under attack?  There's so much I don't understand and can't explain, yet one can't argue with the results.

My 24 hour prayer guard....we left a copy of this with my mom while she was watching the kids during that first surgery so she could know how we were being covered in prayer.  This is one the most humbling pieces of paper that I have ever received.  

To be very honest, this is what may be the hardest obstacle I have to overcome in prayer:  Prayer requires hope.  And I've learned that hope is not something to be taken lightly.  Hope takes more energy, courage, discipline and trust than I ever imagined.  When I was diagnosed with cancer, hope seemed so distant compared to death.  At times, I needed people to hope and believe on my behalf, because I didn't have the energy to hope.  It's a scary thing to hope and risk disappointment or failure.  And it takes strength to continue to hope again in something after facing disappointment.  Which is why our hope has to be anchored in the greater foundation of prayer.

This is from Gloria Furman's book, Treasuring Christ When Your Hands Are Full, where she quotes Martyn Lloyd-Jones.  

I don't think I have provided any more clarity in the matter of prayer in terms of exactly how or why it works.  But maybe this can convince you, the next time you feel a nudge to pray, to go ahead and do it. Anytime.  Anywhere.  Even while popping popcorn.