Our story one year later

One year ago, today, at around this same time, I received the phone call with my diagnosis of breast cancer.

Whew.  We have come SO FAR.  Thank you, Jesus!  Thank you, Lord!  Sometimes I am in complete awe and can't help but think 'why have You been SO good to me and my family?'.  Our story could look so very different right now and the weight of that is not lost on me.

Our pastor asked if I would share our testimony at church this Sunday and I think the timing is so ...well, timely.  :)  And I'm happy to share because the bible tells us that we honor God when we remember what He has done for us.  And so I am happy to remember and never forget.  I will not dwell on the scars, but thankfully remember just how far the Lord has brought us.  And though I haven't spoken in front of a group about something so personal in a long time, I am happy to have the privilege of publicly remembering what God has done for us.

Psalm 105: 1-5 "Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon His name.  Make known His deeds among the peoples!  Sing to Him, sing praises to Him; tell of all His wondrous works!  Glory in His Holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice!  Seek the Lord and His strength; seek His presence continually.  Remember the wondrous works that He has done..." 

And that's why I also decided to write a memoir for our kiddos.  I am so grateful that they don't understand the full extent of what cancer means or comprehend the fear that comes with that diagnosis.  But when they are older, I want them to fully grasp and understand what God has done for our family.  I want sweet Raleigh Mae to know that God even used her in my belly to discover the tumor.

There is so much wrapped up in what I plan on sharing this Sunday and I wanted to share a little bit here.

While I would have never chosen to walk this path and fight this battle, I would never trade what I have learned about God.  When I think of where I was a year ago, my heart breaks a little because I remember how I felt.  I remember the heartache, fear, devastation all wrapped up in my chest....yet I remember there was always Hope.  Part of me wishes I could go back to that girl, grab her by the shoulders (because as my friend says that is what you do when you want someone to take you seriously), lift up her chin, wipe away the tears, look her square in the eye and remind her that God is good and He is in Control.  That somehow in the year to come I will understand how our Good and His Glory are inexplicably intertwined.  I could never have imagined then what I know now.

When I prayed about what to share in my testimony, I felt led to share my story to encourage others who may be going through a struggle.  Big or small.  Immediate or long term.  Where you are now in your journey may seem completely hopeless and futile.  You may question what God is doing or even question God Himself.  But please hear my heart when I say, He has never left your side, and never will.  He promises your good and His Glory and when the time is right, He will reveal your story.  And I promise you will not be disappointed, but will be compelled to love our Lord even more.  You may be walking through the fire right now, but you will not be left there.  You will walk through the fire, with a faith that is refined and you will see Him more clearly than before.

I hope someone is encouraged or remembers my story when they need encouragement in the future.  All Glory to Him.  

a few day after surgery #1

Raleigh Mae's first trip to Colorado!

almost a year later....typical family photo :)  

Week 1 Post- Op.

     One could say that I severely underestimated what this recovery was going to be.  I had envisioned myself home before the older kids got back from school, up and walking around, slightly sore the next day, and then up and doing my normal routine by day 3.  Reality was me apologizing to the nurses over and over again as I keep oozing bloody fluid all over the room in attempts to go to the bathroom where I puked over and over again…in the sink (cause I couldn’t make it to the toilet).       

     That’s not an attempt to get you to feel sorry for me – just a very humble revelation that I am, indeed, not wonderwoman.  Or her cousin, or second cousin thrice removed. 

     But day 7 here and I am getting more mobile and on my feet more and more.  I may look like a granny while driving, but driving I am, at least!  

     We’ve been blessed with my mother in law who flew in and held down the fort for days, friends who brought us meals, clothes (that I can actually wear over my wraps and bandages), juice (yes, someone juiced for me – incredible, right??), sweet flowers and watched kids for us.  We had a great follow up appt yesterday where all stitches were removed and the doctor nonchalantly stuck a needle in me to remove some fluid that had built up (I will NEVER get used to being poke and prodded!).    

     One last day of antibiotics, I have finally been able to sleep in bed, I can hold Raleigh and we are well on the road to recovery (the primary phase is 6 weeks, and then about 4-6 months for full 

results).

      

     The toughest part may be emotional acceptance of how things look.  I made the mistake of peeking under the bandages after the first day and just cried.  Not because my surgeon didn’t do a good job, but because there was plenty of swelling, dried blood, more stitches, deep bruising and just a general realization that my body has been further changed from what I was born with.  And the reminder that cancer is the reason for the physical changes.  I’ve been wrestling with this for several days.

     And I point this all out to share the significance of what I learned in a study that I recently started with some local gals called Anointed, Transformed, Redeemed by Priscilla Shirer, Beth Moore and Kay Arthur.  We talked about the power of being anointed (this itself is a different topic that I won’t go into now, but would love to discuss more later!) and having a God awareness throughout our day.  And bam, it struck me.  I have not been looking at my physical self with a ‘God awareness”.  What if, when I looked in the mirror, I imagined God’s presence, right next to me, looking at me and pointing out every fiber of my being that He created and knit together before I was even born?  Maybe, instead of crying over how different things look, I could rest in the assurance that He sees me as beautiful the same way that I do not see a single one of my kids as any less beautiful because of a scar.  If my Maker was standing next to me, who created the inspiring sunrises and sunsets without the aid of any man, if my Maker was standing next to me would I dare find reason to cringe at my image?  This isn’t about some mind-game-gobbly-gook about just accepting things as they are and sucking it up and moving on with things.  It’s about living the truth of knowing that God is with us and embracing His Holy Spirit and praying to see as He does.   Of course this applies to so many, arguably more important, areas of my life.  How I interact with the kids when it’s just me and them talking about how fairy wings grow for the umpteenth time, how I speak to my husband when we are disagreeing about a certain topic, how I act while entertaining an unexpected visitor, etc.  It also means that I can walk throughout my day with more confidence that nothing is by accident and that He, the Good of all good, is still in control.  He's not walking beside us saying, 'sorry about that...I dropped the ball on that one, eh?'.  No, instead, when life feels out of control, He's whispering, I still have you.  I have you.  Just rest.  Nothing is out of my control.'    

     This is not about just ‘acting’ right and behavior modification, but about changing the heart.  My heart.  Your heart.  Maybe you believe in God and maybe you don’t.  But just imagine that there was indeed a Maker of the Universe walking next to you and trying to speak to you throughout your day – the Maker who loves you (and LIKES YOU) SO much and delights in you to the point that He sent His only Son to die for our sins so that we could continue to be in His presence.   Imagine Him next to you and you can’t help but change how we see ourselves, our family, and our neighbors. 

     This is just a sliver of what I learned in the study,  but it convicted me so much that I had to change my plans to run errands and instead type out these words.  I pray that it encourages someone else.