Just when I start feeling like I have a green light for this project, I completely undermine myself. On Monday morning we had a meeting for parents who want to help plan the end of year party for the first graders. Of course it's a morning that is more hectic than usual with extra shoe tying, a toddler who INSISTS on walking vs being carried and an extra messy house/kitchen left in the wake of getting kids out the door. At the end of the meeting, a mom I have never met before innocently mentions the idea of prizes for the games, and without skipping a beat, I blurt out something to the effect of 'those things just come in my door and go straight in the trash anyway....besides isn't the party enough?' Hours later, my conscience finally catches up with me and I realize how I completely lost my filter of Grace when I blurted out my opinion....and the worst part is I don't even know who the mom is so that I can find her and apologize for my lack of tact. And y'all. For the rest of day I felt terrible about it. Really, really terrible. And then I recognized the name of this feeling. It is shame. I was ashamed of how I reacted so quickly without pausing to give that woman a chance to put a period on the end of her sentence.
And shame for me runs deep. And it is no coincidence that I just started hearing about a new book by Christine Caine, called Unashamed. Her story is incredible and I am looking forward to reading her book soon.
This feeling of shame has deep, deep roots and I can already tell it is threatening to rear it's ugly head as we head into our next move (which may be in three months of six months!). I'm wrestling with how to meet and make new friends, genuine new relationships....all while I explain that I was diagnosed with cancer in 2014. How in the world do you casually include that in an intro conversation without making the other person feel awkward? How do I navigate explaining what our story has been without making cancer THE story. How do I explain the whole story of God while getting over my embarrassment and shame about cancer? How do I navigate the path of making new friends with a hard past? And even harder than that, how do I explain that even with a cancer diagnosis in 2014, the scariest part of 2016 wasn't cancer?
The scariest part of 2016 so far for me has been watching my 5 yr old get on the school bus by herself. Due to logistics of a napping toddler, and two older kids in school, the bus was our best option. But it was something I had to first confide in some friends about and then ask for prayer. This is where I have summoned up every inkling of courage I have to share my biggest fear so far in 2016. And I'm doing this because enough is enough. Shame has no place in our story and yet, it threatens to unravel me at the most unexpected times. And I think one way to conquer shame is to air it out in the light so that it can no longer whisper it's lies in the dark.
My shame is that when I was a child, I was touched inappropriately by a family friend on Christmas morning when he was watching me while my parents had to work. By the grace of God, it happened once, but that one time, was enough to affect my self image and how I parent - especially as a parent of four girls. That one time was enough to bring me to tears in deciding whether or not to let my 5 yr old girl ride the bus to school because the bus driver was a man (and good grief - why, oh why, does he have to have a mustache????? My son is never allowed to have a mustache. Sorry if that offends those who have mustaches). That one time was enough to stir up feelings of anger when I get stared at because of my ethnicity or just because of my kids. That one time is enough to make me cringe when I hear my voice in a recording, or see myself on video. That one time was enough. And Christ says enough. His blood for me on the Cross is enough. I will make silly mistakes and my behavior will not always be perfect, but He is enough for me.
So, enough is enough. Shame has a way of making me feel like a fraud when I am trying to get to know other people in a true and genuine way. Because shame says eventually they will find out my secrets and realize I am unworthy of their friendship. Enough is Enough. Because He says I am Enough to be called a daughter of the One True King.
I'm sharing this for the person who struggles with their own shame. May you know that He has paid the price for all your darkest fears and shame and He calls you WORTHY and ENOUGH. He has called us out of the darkness and into the light. It's time to say enough is enough and to Hell with Shame.
