Well, I am not a trained theologian or philosopher, so when God reveals something clearly to me, I always feel compelled to share.
This past week, one of our Young Life leaders spoke on the passage in Mark 2, where the four friends lower their paralyzed friend through a roof in order to get closer to Jesus, in hopes of him being healed. Honestly, I've always identified myself with one of the four friends....you know, the ones who weren't paralyzed, but rather, were strong enough to carry their friend to the home where Jesus was preaching, strong enough to climb a roof with their friend on a stretcher, and then again, strong enough to lower their friend down with ropes. Instead, this time, God gave me such a clear picture of seeing myself as the paralytic. The helpless one who relied wholly on the help of friends and was completely at the mercy of Jesus. That'll keep ya humble. :)
And then I noted something else in the passage. Or rather something else that wasn't in the passage. Jesus tells the man that his sins are forgiven, and then tells him to pick up his mat and walk. Yet, he never actually says "you are healed". I would never have noticed this detail if it weren't for where I have been wrestling with God lately.
See, it's been just under a year and a half since my diagnosis and fight with cancer. We have one clean scan under our belts with more to come. And in the meantime, I struggle, almost daily with fear. And it shows up at the most inopportune times. Here is the most common place it shows up: I have the post 9-11 GI Bill which provides 36 months of paid school. So I am trying to figure out what to pursue (medical degree/functional medicine), how to pursue (on line vs on campus) and where to pursue it (depends on where we move next!) and when to pursue it (now vs after we move, after all kids are in school, etc.). And sure, those are a lot of decisions to think through, but the number one nagging thought that comes to mind is 'what if cancer returns and I ended up wasting time and money on something that will never come true?' Oh, the fear. It's roots run deeper than I realize sometimes. It's like a nasty weed that seems to constantly undermine hopes for a future. And I've asked God (I know how funny this sounds) to just give me a 'thumbs up'/'go ahead'/'green light' or heck, just to hear him say the words 'you are healed'.
Then I read another seemingly unrelated passage this morning from Luke 5, when Jesus calls the first disciples, including Simon. Jesus instructs Simon to cast his net into a certain area (note, this is after Simon had cleaned his nets from fishing all night) and here is Simon's response "Master, we toiled all night and took nothing! But at your word I will let down the nets." Did you see it? His doubt and obedience? After Peter obeys, and catches a large number of fish, and repents, Jesus responds with such grace and mercy as he says "Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching men." There was no rebuke of Simon's disbelief....just tender mercy in how Jesus teaches him to add belief to his obedience.
So, there it is. I guess it's time to get my 'big girl pants on' and just obey. I was in a functional medicine forum earlier this week and when I got home I told Rich 'I totally felt at place in that forum....it really confirmed that this is what I want to pursue.' Sure, I may still battle the fear and doubt, but God has shown that He can 'help my unbelief' if I am wiling to merely obey. That's all he asks. I wonder if there are some of you who God is nudging to obey and follow His lead in a certain area (relationship with Him/others, jobs, pursuits), but you struggle with doubt? Good news. According to Simon, you don't have to wait to believe and obey. It can start simply with obeying.
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