For good reasons. We had a 'cancer free' celebration a couple weeks ago followed by Ada's 5th birthday celebration this past weekend! And with life in between I just didn't get to some things like I had hoped to. God is bigger than my lack of feeling prepared, not having enough button down shirts, enough reading material lined up, or my fuzzy hospital socks or extra meals on hand. We DO have grandma in town to help take care of the kids, friends bringing us meals and one friend is lending me her spanx to help with post surgery recovery (those things are amazing!!! why am I just now trying them???).
 |
| "mammo-grahams" Where else other than a cancer free party can you have these???? Courtesy of my friend, Kanaan :) |
 |
| Birthday breakfast presents |
 |
| Birthday Dinner: her favs: nachos and brussel sprouts :) |
 |
| Last airplane ride for a while...more to come in a month! |
But I will admit that I am a tiny bit nervous about this surgery...we all know what happened the first time, and this time it's with a different surgeon, different hospital and different anesthetist. It's funny how even when it comes to surgery/needles/scalpels, you develop 'favorites' regarding who gets to poke, prod and cut you.
My surgery this time is for further reconstruction and some 'adjustments' from the first phase of reconstruction. Deep down inside, I do often wish that my vanity could have been okay without the reconstruction, but I am so, so, so grateful for the option. To be blunt, this surgery will involve breast reconstruction and lipo in order to do some fat injections. The whole thing seems so surreal to me because I never ever imagined a procedure like this. And to be very honest: when I wake up, this time my concern won't be 'did they get the cancer out', but instead will be 'what do I look like'? And for some reason, that has me nervous. I feel maxed out on the scars and marks and this will up my tally (read: I'm a bit vain and am growing weary of new scars).
But with all these thoughts swirling in my mind, my mother in law reminds me of the angel. The angel. The one I was so privileged to see (and sometimes I still can't believe I saw it). And the one I know was protecting me and will protect me because God promises to be faithful. And it reminds me of how easily my focus is shifted away from what matters. The truth that God is in control, He is Good and that He sent His Son to die on the cross for us because He loves us THAT much. And in the end, all things will be restored and my scars won't bear any shame and He will be glorified. And if I know that truth, then why do I waste my time on being anxious and worrying? And isn't it a mercy of God that I have an unfamiliar team doing my surgery this time? Because otherwise, I would have placed some of my trust in the familiarity of the team and not Him. But I'm forced outside my comfort zone (I was even getting used to the color of the gown and cap I got to wear at the original hospital) and reminded that the only place to put my trust is in Him.
So, here we go. One more surgery. One more recovery. I just recently regained enough strength to do some push ups and shoot my bow and arrow. Those will be some of my goals again!
I also wonder in the back of my mind....will I ever get to see the angel again? It was both a bit terrifying and awesome at the same time.
Would you please pray for grandma while she's holding down the fort? That she and the kids would be protected and that all would go smoothly? Thank you for your prayers and I'll hopefully be sending an update soon!
To God be All the Glory.
