Sometimes it feels like life is a never ending series of transitions. And to be candid, I, in general, do not like transitions. It means moving out of my comfort zone, into something new and often times, it's not when or where or how I would have liked to transition! With one exception so far - going from single to newlywed - that was a fun transition. But since then, transitions like new jobs, changing jobs, moving (again and again and again), having kids (you bet I'm going to expand on that! :)), saying good bye to good friends, making new friends, going back and forth between parenting with a spouse to flying solo, school (homeschool and public school), kids changing grades, etc...the list can go on. And sometimes those transitions happen back to back and it can be overwhelming, exciting and sad all at the same time and your husband wonders why in the world you just broke down in tears because he made pancakes instead of waffles on saturday morning. O.Y. V.A.Y. (Truly, my husband makes yummy pancakes!).
But the biggest transition I can think of has been going from a Company Commander to a stay at home mom. Now, let me be clear: that is an understatement. A BIG understatement. And it's a transition that I'm not sure I've conquered yet (yes, it's been six years....progress seems slow at times). Though I think any transition from 'former life' to 'mom' can be tough. period.
I was sitting in a room full of moms yesterday and we were made to think about how to view our roles as moms with significance. This may seem simple at first. Or difficult? I couldn't decide. On one hand, by the Grace of God, I keep my kids alive on a daily basis. So, yes, I matter. On the other hand, I've had endless moments wondering if everything I 'gave up' was worth it to stay home and change diapers, wipe noses, clean up (again), cook (again) all while the distance between me and the 'work force' grew wider and wider and the brain cells I had seem to be fewer and fewer ( I was confronted with that reality when I 'discovered' a dirty diaper I had somehow put in the FRIDGE and realized the most stimulating conversation I had one day was about how fairy wings grow. Anyone????).
I'm sure that a psychologist might attribute some of my doubts to the fact that I did not grow up with a stay at home mom. And I still went to college. Got married. And had kids. So, if I can do that without a parent that could stay home (I'm not criticizing my parents nor do I resent the reality that both my parents had to work to make ends meet) then does it really matter that I choose to stay at home with my kids? And by the way, it's hard. For me, at least. I have not cruised through motherhood. For me, the equation of 'you turn out 'fine' even if neither parent is home' + 'this is a hard job!'= having doubts about the significance of what I do.
And here is where I have been given Grace to realize His Severe Mercy for me (if you haven't read a Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken, put it on your list!): the hardest part of this transition to motherhood has been His refining work in me. In His Mercy, He guides me through this transition (which can be different for everyone - stay at home mom, working mom, single mom/parent, grandparent ,etc). for My Good and His Glory.
In my former DINK life, I was proud of my job and for the most part enjoyed it. I served our country. A country that gave my parents amazing opportunities to pursue happiness and opportunities for their only child that wasn't available in their birth country. And I did volunteer work. In short, I considered my life to be 'good', full of 'good works' and I was happy with it. When I became a mom, I realized that though my former job had selfless aspects to it, it was 'me-centered'. God, in His Severe Mercy, showed me how unaware I had been of my self centeredness. Only now do I see how the biggest (sometimes unwanted) transition of my life thus far has been merciful. And so yes, it IS significant.
Something else that makes me doubt my significance as a mom (other than the lack of pay check, rank, ratings, raise, etc.) is what I mentioned earlier. It can be a tough job. And sometimes I fall flat on my face. One of the strengths that I'm thankful for is that I am a good shot (I know, this seems so unrelated to parenting skills, right???). I can qualify expert on several types of weapons (yes, again, such a useless skill currently). But I used to be terrible. Horrible. Like I could barely hit the target (actually, I could barely SEE the target thanks to all the gear we had to wear). I dreaded going to the range in hopes that I would 'qualify'. I even had to go back as a repeat failure a couple times. Then, one day, for whatever reason, it just clicked and I qualified as an expert (EVERYONE was suprised. :)). And now I love shooting. All that to say, just because the job of parenting may be hard, it doesn't mean we aren't doing a good job. Most newfound skills start off as hard. Unless you're Chuck Norris. I digress.
